I grew up in a relatively strict Catholic household. I went to a private Catholic school, said my nightly and before-meal prayers every day, and got up each Sunday to attend mass. Even though I was the model Christian, every day, after school, I became a horrible sinner. Each afternoon, I came home and performed, usually with a friend of mine, most of the 7 evil cardinal sins. My heart became filled with lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, envy, and (later in life) pride. What could drive a sweet, innocent young child to do such evil things?

The goddamn motherfucking Turbo Tunnel.


Now, that name might not be familiar to most. Some might know this den of sin as the hardest level in gaming. Others understand it to be an instrument of torture. What it is, though, is the speeder bike level from Battletoads. Yep, now the gears are clicking in your head; you understand why I was able to bring myself to embody the essence of evil every afternoon as a kid. This level brought out the worst in me, and probably brought out the worst in you:

Wrath: Oh, sweet, sweet Christ. The speeder bikes. For a while, I actually thought Battletoads was a fun little game. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then, I came to the speeder bikes; the most infuriating area of a videogame ever. The game, it seemed to my friend and I, contained an area that was designed to piss you off. You could have the best possible day; you just won the lottery, got married, whatever. If you play the Turbo Tunnel, your day will be ruined. The walls just kept coming, over and over again. I wouldn’t be surprised if Battletoads was created by drywall producers; the amount of holes I put in my bedroom wall from throwing my controller at it probably kept the industry alive. My eyes would burn red, the rage would take me over, and *BAM*, there’s another hole to explain to mom. And don’t get me fucking started on the Space Invaders...

FUCK THOSE GODDAMN SPACE INVADERS.

Gluttony/Greed: Now, early on, I wasn’t the best of Battletoads players. So, I would take a lot more damage than my friend. Luckily, there was a bit of a respite in the middle of the Turbo Tunnel; a feast of 2 health-replenishing flies. Now, each fly was meant for each player. But, depending on how bad off I was, I’d knock down my buddy and steal both flies. Survival of the fittest, baby.

Envy: As my friend and I made our way through the opening area of the level, I’d always find some way to get pissed at him. Either the bastard got every single rat enemy dispatched, or made each jump perfectly. Being the mediocre player I was, I would miss a jump here and there, or miss a perfect opportunity to knock off a rat. I never thought I’d be as good as him.

I saw this screen a lot. My Buddy did not. Fuck him.

Pride: All my life, I’d been looking at Turbo Tunnel as my Everest; an unbeaten, imposing force that I could never overtake. Then, a while back, I decided to go back to the game, on my own, and attempt to overtake the beast. After a rigorous 2 weeks of studying videos, getting the movements down, and replaying the game probably 100 times, I finally, FINALLY finished the bastard. I had beaten the beast of my childhood, and it felt good. I was beaming with pride, as if I had just lost my virginity. It was the happiest moment of my life.

Sloth: Yep, Battletoads even caused me to be lazy. Remember how envious I was of my friend? Well, just to piss him off, I’d let 2 rats beat him around for a bit, just you put him in his place. Or, I’d intentionally miss a jump on the speeder bike area. If I thought my friend was being a bit too cocky that day, I’d just put the controller down, thinking “That’ll show him to be a pretentious dick during an NES game.”

Lust: I’ll be blunt: if you didn’t want to fuck The Dark Queen, you might be gay.

Oh my God I'm so hard right now.

Now, years later, after finally overcoming the Turbo Tunnel, I’ve never gone back. I’d rather not subject myself to that den of sin. Besides, I sin enough during the day; I don’t need a videogame to send me to hell.

LEVEL SELECT:
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Ye Olde Royal Odeon(Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)