Alright, before you bastards say it, yes, I realize that this is on the front page today, and it's pretty big news everywhere else. That doesn't take away from the fact that this game is awesome. Sure, while it is just a blatant rip-off of a DS game made to get gamers and, presumably, young children interested in animal rights this time of year, that doesn't detract from the fact that it's fun, it's got a message, and it contains the biggest dynamic character change I've ever seen in a video game. So, won't you come along as I, with the help of Mama, maim a dead turkey carcass in Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals?

For those of you that don't know, Cooking Mama is a DS and Wii game that puts you in the shows of Mama, a super-happy anime chick tasked with cooking meals for...her family? Friends? I'm not real sure; she might just be practicing her technique for later on in life when she finally gets a man and settles into a life of servitude. Anyway, in the games, you prepare every meal by cooking, chopping, sauteing, and serving all the food in the meal. PETA (not People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, the other one) decided to capitaliz on this fact, and make a game showing the horrifying way that turkeys are treated in this country, perfect for Thanksgiving! So, in the game, you're an evil, villainized form of the happy-go-lucky Mama, tasked with serving a Thanksgiving feast. And, since this is a PETA game, you do this in the most horrible way possible.


Holy shit, that bitch looks evil.

You're greeted to the game with a blood-curdling scream, and the sound of a knife cutting through flesh. Then, the title screen comes up, accompanied by an infectious, twangy folk soundtrack. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at how ridiculous this opening sequence is. Then, you get into the game. First, of course, you must prepare the bird. And, just like all other evil, meat-eating people in this country do, that task is accomplished by hanging the turkey up on a hook, ripping its feathers out, and eviscerating it. You do this in the game in, honestly, the CUTEST WAY EVER! Once you're done removing all valuable organs and plumage from the bird, you then get to stuff the turkey.Of course, to make the stuffing, you have to crack a few eggs. Only, these aren't your normal eggs. Nope, these are THE BLOODIEST EGGS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.


WHAT EGGS BLEED LIKE THIS?!!?

After mixing together the stuffing ingredients, you're left to stuff the oddly hairy and gray "stuffing" into the turkey's gaping body wound, followed shortly thereafter by lopping off the dead fowl's head. Then, you cook what's left. Oh, and, I forgot to mention, after you complete a certain number of tasks, you're given "rewards" which consists of "What Mama Never Told You", facts about how horribly those tasty, tasty turkeys are treated in this country, and videos detailing the grueling life of a fat, flightless, retarded bird.


Wow. Thanks PETA. I couldn't care less about this.

Anyway, once the bird is fully cooked, you make the final and truly necessary item for the meal. What? No, not potatoes. Nope, not vegetables of any kind. Mama likes her food bloody and meaty. So, of course, you gotta make the giblet gravy! Giblets, for those that don't know, are the inner organs of an animal, and pretty much whatever else you can scrape out of a dead animal carcass. So, of course, Mama loves that shit! To make the gravy, you first take the head you just cut off the turkey and segment its neck. Seriously. You then take the heart, liver, and other organs of the bird, mixed with the neck parts, and saute them with some butter and strange gray liquid on the oven. Finally, you strain the body parts out of the gravy. How do accomplish this? By running the gravy through a strainer? No, BY PICKING THE BODY PARTS OUT OF BOILING HOT LIQUID WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. Now, I'm all for the message that PETA is (poorly) attempting to get across here, but, this is just plain dangerous. You don't tell people to pick out organs from a pan of boiling hot liquid. It's just stupid. Once the straining is done, it's time to serve your delicious meal!


Yeah, that's what the final product looks like. But, PETA's not done yet. Thanks to your work in making a disgusting meal, Mama has learned the error of her ways! Seriously, Mama goes from being, essentially, a heartless, uncaring, brutal meat-eater who wants nothing more than to torture every living thing on the planet, to a caring, nurturing, vegetarian messiah for all poultry around the world. The final segment of the game, called Mama Loves Animals, is more mini-games, only, instead of making a traditional Thanksgiving meal, you make a Tofu Turkey!

Now, with all that said, this game is really fun. Each level has 3 rankings depending on how good you did. Though, the rankings are completely useless when it comes to unlocking the final mode or any bonus videos, which sucks. But, the game is rather intuitive: each action feels the way it should, and is kinda fun. You never really do the same action twice (until the bonus level), and each mini-game is a little more interesting than the last. Plus, the cartoony-style of it makes everything you do a little more fun. The game's music is the kind of refreshing, upbeat folk you'd get from a bunch of hippies like PETA, but dammit if I didn't have my foot tapping along at times. Overall, this is a pretty damn good Flash game, even if the message that PETA tries to get across is completely lost due to the cartoon-like qualities of everything you do. Honestly, the entire game seems like it should take place in an [adult swim] animated short.

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