Vintage games, no matter how you slice them, are the proverbial shit. Nothing comes to
playing the old classics; the unfortunate music and voice chioces, the graphics that will
make your eyes bleed, and the controls and mechanics that make you want to throw your
entire NES into your nearest family member's face in frustration. But, that's the beauty of
them. So, as many other people have done before me, I'll be looking at these gorgeous
pieces of gaming history, and the impact they had on gaming today, in my new segment,
Gaming at 88 M.P.H.

(If you don't get the reference, get the hell out of here.)

Today's game is the wonderfully dangerous, high-speed cab simulator Crazy Taxi
(Dreamcast), which came out in arcades in 1999 and the consoles in 2000. The game
revolves around you, a simple cabbie (picked out of a possible 4 candidates), tasked to go
around a fake city and pick people up to drive them to their destinations.

Oh, and you're a bit of a fucking lunatic, too.


I think someone should've been fired in this situation.

Lunacy is the only way to explain why cabbies would perform like this. You have all kinds
of routs you can take to get passengers to their destination, including driving through and
over buildings, if the need arises. But, that's where the game gets it's name; the craziness
that ensues once a fare is picked up.

As you drive along your selected route, you have a time limit, other cars on the road, and
different obstacles that get in your way, and also earn you more money. Get your
passenger to their destination in record time? More money. Jump over a fucking river just
to get someone to KFC? More money. Narrowly avoid the grim grip of death by sideswiping
a semi? More money.

It's magnificent.

The fast-paced nature of this amazing game is great in 10-minute bursts, or 2-hour
marathons with friends. Even better are the Portal-like puzzles offered in "Crazy Box"
mode. The puzzles, ranging from dropping off 4 fares within a minute, or causing a chain
reaction with your car as the starting point, offer a little extra challenge for those bored
with defying latural law in the main mode of the game. Sure, this game is just plain fun,
and it spawned 3 sequels (and an amazing PSP port). But, it also should be credited as the
game that helped The Simpsons come out of video game mediocrity.


Finally, something not full of suck.

Of course I'm talking about The Simpson: Road Rage, the first Simpson's game I can
remember that was actually playable, and fun. Being almost an exact copy of Crazy Taxi
(with a new coat of paint), Road Rage led to the creation of one of the best Simpsons
games ever, Hit and Run, and the eventuall king of the Simpson's gaming throne, The
Simpsons Movie: The Game.

So, if you happen to have an old copy of this game lying around (or a few bucks to burn
on the great PSP port), be sure to spend some time with this classic gaming gem. It'll be
sure to *sigh* get your motor running.

/lameness.