No, of course this isn't Photoshopped.

Last time I gave you folks all the makings for a fantastic night of game food. While I'd like to give you another great menu, I've decided to look at the darker side of video game grub. I wouldn't give this stuff to the lowliest Goombah as a meal. Say hello to the Pizza by Alfredo of video game food:

Burgertime Burger

Now that is just unsanitary.

Alright, this is a given. While preparing your delicious meat patty Chef Pepper feels the need to walk over any goddamn ingredient, in the hopes of making a better burger for his customers (and attempting to not die). Plus, the burgers are rather plain; only lettuce and meat? Where’s the tomato? The ketchup? Who in the hell orders such a simple burger? AT LEAST PUT CHEESE ON THERE, JESUS. To make matters worse, the Chef liberally applies pepper to the burger whenever he feels like it (i.e. to not die). Oh, and don’t get me started on putting hot dogs and eggs on burgers…

Turkey in Final Fight


WHO THE FUCK KEEPS FOOD IN TRASH CANS THAT IS A STUPID WAY TO STORE FOOD.

Bloatfly Meat from Fallout 3

What a creepy bastard...

C'mon, are you serious? Do you really fucking expect me to believe that someone, anyone would eat the backside of a giant beetle? This is disgusting. I understand that various bugs are delicacies in other countries, but I don't understand this. The nutritional value is awful, it can give you radiation poisoning, and it is a bugs ass. This wouldn't even be good fried...yeah, I know.

Poison Rice Balls from Tenchu

A bit too deadly for my delicate palate.

Ok yes, of course I'm not gonna eat anything I'm explicitly told is poisoned. That's a given. But that's not the worst part about these treats. Have you ever eaten something that's been in someone's pocket for a while? Rikimaru has to carry these things around with him for days, and has to have gotten them dirty, sweaty, wet, and bloody through his adventures. And with the way rice absorbs flavors, you never know how bad this stuff could actually be.

Ice Cream from Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em

Eww, gross...vanilla.

The premise of Beat Em and Eat Em is rather simple; 2 scantily-clad women run back and forth under a building, attempting to catch the drops coming from a gentleman's ice cream cone. At least, that's what the cover tells me; I have no idea what the game is REALLY about. I find this very unsanitary. Who in their right mind eats ice cream dripping out of someone else's cone? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Animals are awesome, aren’t they? Fluffy, scaled, terrifying, gigantic, wonderful creatures of all makes and models are around us every day. So it would only seem natural to imbibe these creatures with features that would make them good video game characters. Sometimes, the characters come out with great personalities and powers. But most of the time you get characters that are just plain terrible; figures who disgrace the animals they’re modeled after.

Bobcat vs. Bubsy:

Bobcat traits: Brown coat, black-tuffed ears, hunts by ambushing animals and pouncing, collects small rodents, birds, and insects to eat.
Bubsy traits: Exclamation point t-shirt, giant fucking eyes, hunts by “pouncing” on enemies’ heads (a la every platformer EVER), collects red, blue, and yellow balls of yarn because HE’S A CAT LOL.

Bubsy: Bubsy, Bubsy, Bubsy. He’s the reason I created this list in the first place; there isn’t a worst animal-based character in gaming. Period. Not only has Bubsy’s name been attached to some of the worst platformers ever, he’s basically a snapshot of 90s advertising; edgy, cool, wise-cracking, and a cat. It’s a shame that he’s labeled a bobcat, since these majestic killing tools of nature deserve to have a more awesome character representing them.

Hedgehog vs. Amy

Hedgehog traits: takes part in the Internet’s cutest pictures
Amy traits: takes part in the Internet’s most disturbing pictures

Hedgehogs have an interesting place in pop culture. A tiny, adorable, not-really-good-for-much rodent became synonymous with a video game company in the 90s, when Sonic blast-processed onto the scene for Sega. It was a strange decision to choose a hedgehog. But at least the little guys aren’t ANNOYING AS HELL. That’s where Amy comes in. Originally Sega’s answer to Princess Peach, Amy changed clothes, hairstyles, and attitude, and became Navi to Sonic’s Link: constantly following him around, being bothersome, and spewing the most grating dialogue of anyone in the Sonicverse. Sonic made hedgehogs cool; Amy ruined their reputation forever. And seriously, have you ever seen Amy hentai? Highly disturbing…

Killer Whale vs. Duff McWhalen

Killer Whale traits: largest animal in the dolphin family, lifespan of 40-60 years, isn’t named Duff McWhalen
Duff McWhalen traits: is named Duff McWhalen

Ok, this might seem a little backwards: a robot whale is LESS awesome than a regular old flesh-and-blubber killer whale? Yep. The majestic orca should seem like a perfect candidate for robot modification; it’s fast and powerful, and can live a pretty long time. But when that robot mod is Duff McWhalen, you might want the old killer whale back. First of all, Duff isn’t in Free Willy which automatically costs him points. Secondly, Duff stared as one of the Mavericks in one of the more disjointed and complicated Mega Man games, X5. Thirdly, HIS. NAME. IS. DUFF. MCWHALEN. I’m sorry, but that is inexcusable; that is one of the stupidest character names in gaming history. Who in their right mind thinks to name a character after a Guns N’ Roses bassist and a big fish? Also, he attacks with a weapon called the Goo Shaver. Seriously.

Toad vs. Slippy Toad

Toad traits: brown, leathery skin (good for camo), croaking-like mating call
Slippy Toad traits: cannot hide self well, whiny, annoying voice, constant death

Ok, sure, I’ve talked about some annoying characters in this list. But, let’s be honest, they’re nothing, NOTHING, compared to the biggest slimy green pest to ever pilot an Arwing. This poor excuse for a frog is supposed to be the engineer/inventor of the Star Fox team (even coming up with the designs for the Blue Marine and Landmaster vehicles), and it shows on the battlefield. Slippy is the worst support character in the game (or any game, for that matter), and on top of constantly whining about being attacked, the bastard dies practically every second in the field. Such a shame for a creature who, in real life, is a mighty amphibian. Native to every continent other than the cold, bullshit ones, toads are known for their tenacity in different conditions, toxicity, and sex-changing abilities. And, while they may croak a lot, none of them bitch on and on and on and on about being chased by enemy aircraft.

Awesome, yet retarded.

If you come to any of the big gaming industry events like PAX, you’re bound to see some of the craziest exhibition booths in existence. Game companies will do ANYTHING to get you to try out their games; give out free swag, have costumed people walk around their booth, erect mechanical bulls. The good companies draw you in with these gimmicks; the BEST one have amazing swag and games. Somehow, the Hudson booth managed to be both the best AND worst booth at PAX.

Those that went to PAX might not even know what booth I’m talking about. If you blinked, you missed it. Positioned between the Capcom and Conan booths, this Hudson kiosk was tiny. 3 of ‘em could fit in any of the other companies’ booths. This thing was small. On display were 4 LCDs, running 2 games of Deca Sports 2, a Diner Dash XBLA demo, and a video screen showing off gameplay videos of some space marine bullshit, Miami Law, Diner Dash, and Deca Sports 2. That’s it. 2 Hudson signs were the only other decoration. Right off the bat, the Hudson booth fails on the basis of presentation. It’s just…just awful.

Even more vile were the games on display. I played both on display, for reasons explained in the next paragraph, and MAN did they suck. Deca Sports 2, as you can probably gather from the name, is the sequel to the shitty, much-advertised-and maligned Deca Sports. Also, as you can easily guess, the game is a crappy, awful, no-good, very bad Wii Sports clone. For testing purposes, I played in a “tournament” with a few others, all vying for whatever random prizes they had to offer. First up, Gary (some douche) and I faced off in a motorbike race. Controls were as you’d expect, in that they were exactly Mario Kart’s controls. One difference was if you didn’t slow down through a turn, you’d hit a wall. But, rather than doing the sane thing most games do and have your speed decrease upon contact, you come to a COMPLETE FUCKING STOP. Seriously, all forward momentum is gone if you so much as TAP a wall or barricade. At the end of the longest race of my life, Gary came out the winner, and moved on, leaving me feeling like I was sexually abused by a video game. Yeah, it was that bad.

Being a glutton for punishment (apparently), I stepped to the next screen to play some Diner Dash. I knew DD was alright because, seriously, how can you fuck up that game? Thankfully, they didn’t, but it’s still Diner Dash, something you’ve played millions of time before online, on your cell, on your DS, etc. They did at least add in restaurant upgrades; items you could gain after achieving a certain score that helps your customers stay happy. In my demo, we picked up a drink station and juggler; the station to give them something to drink before their meal, and the juggler to keep them entertained while they wait in line. I’m guessing there aren’t enough people willing to buy this on PSN and XBLA, but they did it anyway. Oh well, at least the multiplayer was kinda fun; I got a bit of enjoyment “fighting” someone else to be the best waitress.

Now, you must be thinking, “Pendelton. This booth sounds like a poor person designed and payed for it. How can this possibly be good?”

Swag, my friends, swag. Of all the free shit given out at PAX, Hudson gave away the awesomest. Seriously. For participating in the Deca Sports Shit-a-thon, you got…these:

AWESOME motorcycle racing gloves! When I originally got them, they had a Deca Sports 2 patch on the back. I cut that shit off as soon as I could, and now I have bitchin’ gaming/biking gloves.

What about Diner Dash you say? Oh, well, I just got:

A FUCKING APRON. What. How ridiculous is this thing? WHO GIVES OUT FREE APRONS?!?! On top of that, I picked up a metal pin/police badge for Miami Law, and 2 individually numbered dogtags from that space marine nonsense from before.

This shows the strange greatness of this booth; not only are they giving away really cool shit, all the swag has a real connection to the game. Unlike other booths that showered you with God of War 3 lanyards and Brutal Legend stickers, Hudson made each and every bit of swag relate with the game it was advertising. Seriously, giving out aprons for a game associated with dining? Genius. They also allowed swag possession ONLY if you played their shitty games; thus, you had to at least try out their product before they would spend money on you. Not enough booths at PAX made this rule; why spend money on swag that you’re just gonna hand out to passers-by, rather than those who took time to actually play your game?

Hudson, if you’re reading this, I have a question; how did you pull this off? How exactly could you publish such crap games as those displayed at PAX, yet have enough know-how and spunk to make your swag the best of the show? There’s something so wrong about it. I felt like I had whored myself out for swag; subjecting myself to these rotten gaming experiences for some really cool shit. If any booth at PAX could’ve done that, it had to be the best AND worst booth there.

As wonderful an experience as PAX was, something was missing. Going to Seattle, I knew, in my heart of hearts, I was gonna be able to sink my teeth into news about the 3rd installment of my favorite downloadable series, On The Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness. This ingenious and funny RPG created by the Penny Arcade guys has delighted me for hours on end, with both episode 1 and 2 holding some of the best turn-based battles and enjoyable scenarios I’ve ever played. Not hearing anything about Ep. 3 made me a sad panda, to be sure. But, going to PAX, I decided to go back and play Ep. 1, in preparation for the news that never came. In doing that, I was reminded of one of the strangest levels I’ve ever witnessed in an RPG: the festival-like, mime-infested Pelican Bay.


<3

Pelican Bay, much like the boardwalks of your youth, contains everything for an enjoyable summer afternoon: mimes, barbershop quartets, games of chance, popcorn, and cults trying to release an ancient unspeakable horror onto the land. This level opens up about 1/3rd through the game, while you, Gabe, and Tycho are on the hunt for the Fruit Fucker that destroyed your house (God I love this plot). The area begins with a visit to the shop of the odd-doesn't-even-begin-to-describe-him Mr. Swindell. Navigate some of the strangest in the dialogue in the game, and give Swindell your ticket, to gain access to the boardwalk.

Making your way through the opening gate, you come in contact with a mime scientist. He tells you that he was once under the control of some sort of mime cult, who has now confiscated some of his invisible mime items. Guess who has to find that shit? Well, you do, and that means walking through the gorgeously-drawn boardwalk doing everything from playing carnival games, collecting prize tokens, and fighting, fighting, fighting. You basically carve your way through swarms of clowns, singing quartets, and the aforementioned evil mimes. The best part about these enemies are their attacks; the clowns toss their over-sized red boots at you with an attack called Bop Shoe Bop, the quartet fights using their vast vocal skills, and the mimes attempt to, well, MIME you to death.


Greatest attack name ever.

As you progress through the level, you eventually come into contact with the Necrowombicon, the book that turned all these mimes into religious zealots, obeying the will of some great being known as The Silent One (see where this is going?). Eventually you get the mime scientist's parts back for him, and learn that, to save the world, you have to battle the as-yet-unseen Silent One, who is looking to come into this world and rule with a giant, unspeaking hand. Through determination and battling the higher-ups in the mimes evil cult cabal, the final boss battle comes. You go face to face, tentacle to rake, against The Silent One; a statue…possessed by Cthulu…in a mime outfit. Yeah.


See? Frightening, isn't he?

Now, I'd rather not spoil the final fight, as it's not only the final of the episode, but one of the better ones I've fought in so far. Just know; it's awesome. If you're a fan of RPGs or what Gabe and Tycho do in general, you fucking OWE it to yourself to pick this (and Ep. 2) up, and enjoy pure, hilarious bliss. Then, you can join me while I wait for news about Ep. 3.

LEVEL SELECT:
=========================================================
World 8-1 (Super Mario Bros. 3
Industrial Castle (Castle Crashers)
The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts)
Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)

Suddenly, a god-like voice boomed out over the masses. “Ladies and gentlemen,” it spoke, “PAX 2009 is now open.”

“Welcome home.”

Ain’t that the fucking truth. PAX 2009 has officially commenced, leaving me feeling the same way someone must feel at the end of an orgy; hot, sticky, and sighing in ecstacy, but longing for more. I could not have asked for a better weekend. Not only did I get to take part in some of the greatest minutes in gaming, I also met the greatest group of people in exsitence, and forever emblazoned the symbol of said group on my body. Yes, you’ve heard it a million times before, and you’ll hear it even more in the future, but it really is true; you MUST come here.

The sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings; it all must be experienced. You have to stumble through the streets of Seattle on a Friday afternoon and see a man walking a leashed ferret. You must listen to the pings and shouts of joy coming from the arcade playground known as Gameworks. You’ve gotta get your hands on a game that you’d never heard of before, but INSTANTLY want. (Oh Shank. Oh God yes Shank.) You should really feel the embrace of a drunk internet superstar that you weren’t expecting (love you, Sessler!). You must come home.

Over the next few days, if you’d indulge me, I’m gonna fucking shove PAX down your throats. I’ve got a new Level-Headed tomorrow about a PAX-related game, a story about the worst AND greatest booth (the Hudson booth) at PAX, a review of the Freezepop concert, a behind-the-scenes tale of the Dtoid tattoo, a collection of cosplayers, and my love letter to the Elephant and Castle, the meeting place of the PAX Dtoiders.

Whether you’re upset that PAX is over, or that you couldn’t go, I hope you’ll enjoy the tales I’m prepared to tell. ‘Cause I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing them.

How much is a plane ticket to Boston?

Unless you have to do it for homework.

Whilst perusing through my daily publication-of-choice (The BG NEWS, my campus' newspaper), I came across a story about how professors are taking everyone's favorite tiny baby guitar and putting it to good use. Prof. Tom Cody and Ass. Prof. Ann Clements have been teaching their music education students proper techniques for teaching begining guitar players the basics. This spring, Penn State students who sign up for MUSIC 112 will learn all about guitar basics, Star Power, and how to properly defeat the devil with the power of rock. Ok, it's not that awesome, but the GH controllers will be used to teach proper coordination and guitar handling. Since most K-12 students are being brought up with gaming, and most teenagers have alreaqdy had interactions with these sort of games, Clements believes that it will attract more kids to picking up their own six-string. "It's something more than a game," Clements said. "It's more than pushing buttons."

What makes this article more interesting is a poll done in this musical education class. Of the 35 students in the class, when asked if video games were a viable form with which to teach music, only 20% said that they were. Once the class was over, and the students had learned about how the game can be used in an educational fashion, roughly 90% agreed that this was a good method to use. It just goes to show that some of the naysayers (such as the ones Harmonix talks about) might be wrong about dismissing these rhythm games.

Original article found here