My name is Pendelton (well, not really, but it sounds cool).
I have thoughts on Video Games.
You will listen to them.
Then your panties will melt.
I know, because I saw all this happening in a dream.
Also, I've got a Destructoid tattoo.
Top 10 Loved Games Evar:
2. Skies of Arcadia
4. Mega Man X
5. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
6. The World Ends With You
7. Chrono Trigger
8. Super Mario RPG: Legend Of The Seven Stars
9. The Legend Of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass
10. Space Channel 5
Bottom 10 Games:
9. Shaq Fu
7. Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm
6. Castlevania 64
5. Backyard Hockey
4. Magical Starsign
3. Spawn Armageddon
2. Simpsons Wrestling
1. MTV Sports: Skateboarding
And now, the sacred oath of The Rainbow Squirts:
To promote niceness.
To make the world prettier.
To share candy with everyone.
To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman.
To protect the Milkman at all costs.
To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective.
Actually, it was one of the best experiences of my life, to be honest with you. I had so much fucking fun in and around the streets of Seattle. I got to take a picture with my big group of friends, play Space Oddity with a great group of fellas, see king3vbo almost naked, and get stalked by a creepy drunk guy (who a surprising lot of you ran into). It all made me realise how much I miss the Dtoid community. Sure, I stop by every once in a while (Tuesdays, to be exact). But I haven't posted a blog since *checks position of sun in sky* fucking June. I love you guys a hell of a lot more than that, and I feel like it's time to post some stuff. Which I will be doing at least once a week. What might said stuff be? Well...
I could write a supplement to a piece I wrote over at Nukezilla, my current JOURNALISM home. For instance:
I recently wrote a piece about my time with Comic Jumper, where I almost played the entire game because the full version was playable for all at the PAX show floor. You should really go check it out if you have the time. Something I wanted to add, though, was how much Twisted Pixel reminds me of Pixar. In case you didn't know, Pixar has a thing with recurring items and motifs, like the ball in Luxo Jr. (blue and yellow with a red star) that appears in every single one of their films (seriously, look it up sometime). Well, TP has started doing that with their games. In the first level of Comic Jumper a bunch of billboards are positioned in the background. These billboards advertise, among other things, Big Science Labs, which is apparently where all the 'Splosion Man testing was going on. There's another that looks like a military recruiting poster for the military-like beings in The Maw.
Interesting, right? I could also post an update on my somewhat credible underground child po...sorry, bead sprite job, like:
So I totally made this recently:
This is the biggest piece I've made so far. It's pretty fucking great, right? I had to basically pause the game, mid-animation, to attempt to pull this off. Then I did a basic internet search (which I should've fucking done in the first place) and found this couple who do fantastic bead sprite work, and followed the piece that they made. Looks great, right? If you'd like me to make you something like this/this thing exactly, please let me know through a DM or comment. I'd be happy to make anything your mind can imagine (for a small fee).
Hell, I could even go one step further and write a full-blown erotic fanfiction if I felt like it. Something along the lines of:
As Roll entered the boss doors, jumping through in a whimsical fashion that lifted her skirt a bit, her foe was just in range. Wood Man, the dastardly and deliriously devilish of the forest the young female robot had just battles hours to get through, was waiting. Saying this man had wood was an understatement: every piece of him was made from a strong oak. While this made him susceptible to heat, he contained a lust for the fairer sex that burned brighter than a thousand Solar Men. Roll knew that all of her sexual conquests up to know were only practice for Wood Man. She also knew that Fucking him was the only way to find out what happened to her brother Mega. As she stepped forward, letting her dress fall to the wayside, she gave the Wooden One a coquettish smile. They both knew what she was here to do. Finally, Roll sheepishly said "Do you have any protection?"
That's when the leaves started swirling around his penis.
Wow, that was hot. Anyway, that's the kind of shit I wanna bring back to the Cblogs. I hope you're ready for it. I sure as hell ain't.
What makes a great zombie? That really depends on who you ask. Some will say that the Romero-based ghouls are the best; shambling creatures devoid of thought, driven only by their hunger. These beasts-once-human are analogous of the very society that birthed them: mindless consumers who care only about that next meal. Others have fallen in love with the Rage-virus-infected, speed-boosted animals made popular in recent years. More machine than man, these devices of unending torment are as relentless as they are senseless; they’ll break down anything and everything just for a simple taste of grey matter.
Me? I just want zombies that vomit rivers of blood.
Thankfully Metal Slug 3 exists to give me just that. After hearing about the abilities of the zombies in Mission 2 of MS3 from Topher Cantler in an old Retroforce GO! episode, I had to experience them for myself. And I was not disappointed. Not only were the zombies and the zombie abilities you gain incredible, the level isn’t half-bad.
As with most Metal Slug levels, this one begins with your character of choice parachuting on the outskirts of an army base. Something feels different this time; as you land, a horde of terrified scientists run by…but from what? That’s when you see the first of many undead horrors. These zombies are in a class all by themselves. Instead of chasing down their prey for food, these creatures want you to be more like them. So they’ll vomit and spray brain matter all over you in an attempt to do so.
They also blow up quite spectacularly.
Yes, turning into a zombie is as simple as getting drooled on, but epic nontheless. As the level goes on, various townspeople are at risk from zombification, and must be protected. Unlike the usual captured soldiers from the Metal Slug games (who are still present), these people can become a problem (read: zombie) if not rescued from the hordes of slavering undead. If they get retched/erupted upon, they turn into the zombies you’re trying to destroy.
What’s even MORE foul is that you, too, can be transformed into one of these awful creatures. Except when it happens to you, you become a FUCKING BADASS. What, has the Army come out of hiding to destroy your new zombie form? Sucks to be them: you are completely impervious to any, ANY Army-based weaponry. Which is great when you fight a squadron of helicopters late in the level. The only way you can be killed is by getting attacked by another zombie. So as long as you keep the undead masses in check you’ll be fine. The fact that you’re invincible doesn’t grab ya? Oh how about UNLEASHING A TORRENT OF BLOOD FROM YOUR FACE.
YOUR FUCKING FACE.
The biggest draw of this level is this power: replacing your grenades when you turn is the ability to vomit blood which literally covers the entire screen, destroying everything in fucking sight. Literally everything; there isn’t a single enemy who is immune to your Sickle-cell-stream of death. This level has a lot of noticeable power-ups like that that are difficult to find elsewhere in the game. Monkey partner armed with a machine gun who joins you in battle? Check. A self-contained stormcloud that you get for rescuing the President from certain doom? Check.
Aside from the whole living dead aspect, my favorite part of this level is the final boss fight. After blasting and vomiting your way through the level, you come across an alien crash site. The air grows thick and cold as you approach the site (represented by the fact that you can see your character’s breath). Then, as soon as you arrive, six horrible, grotesque alien beings appear out of fucking nowhere to try and destroy you. They begin rotating around the alien artifact coming out of the ground, bombarding you with energy blasts from their eyestalks. If you’ve kept your zombie form up to this point, you can unleash your vomit to dispatch them quickly. Just watch out: zombie form makes you much slower, and these fuckers are fast.
Also, they’re goddamned fucking ugly.
With the alien menace defeated, the artifact begins to rise out of the ground, and the thing gets down to business. Your task is to defeat the machine/UFO/whatever by blasting the top of it with everything you’ve got. Your attempts to destroy it are met with opposition, of course. The machine makes obelisks drop out of the fucking sky along the path of a beam of light. You can either shoot these obelisks to destroy them A.S.A.P., or use them to leap up and shoot the hell out of the glowing top of the thing. Success in this section is all about speed. The more damage you do to the device, the quicker it spits out obelisks.
With the alien menace finally defeated comes the close of one of my favorite Metal Slug levels. This level distances itself from most MS level by being more fantastical with the inclusion of zombies and aliens (which, granted, are the main focus of MS3’s story). Also, there’s no need for you to use one of the titular Metal Slug tanks. Why would you, when you’re the fucking unded with one of the greatest zombie powers in gaming?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I hope this news finds you well. I am contacting you with what limited resources I have left. In case you didn't know, for roughly the past two days, our beloved Destructoid.com was stricken with some sort of grave tragedy. We have been unable to access the glorious bounty of information it provides. At this time, I know not how such an incident came about. I have been beside myself trying to find out the answer. As such, I've been unable to do things, including process normal human functions; I have neither ate nor sleep since last I saw the glorious green mechanoid that graces our fair frontpage. All enjoyment seemed to have been sapped from my essence. And my Sunday was completely ruined; I had no Sterling article to enjoy, nor dumbasses that regularly comment on such articles to laugh at. But, thankfully, I can still talk to you through these wonderful cblogs. Have you found a way to live on during this horrible drought? Please leave note on you have survived these past harrowing hours. I hope that this blog can serve as a bandage to heal the wounds this past weekend may have left. Thank you, and God bless.
Saying that Iï¿½m thankful that Fallout 3 exists is putting it lightly.
After having a run-in with it last year, I picked up the GOTY edition earlier this month. The game has taken control of my life. So much so that on the day that I should be spending time with my family, Iï¿½ll instead spend it in the desolate D.C. plains. But thatï¿½s not a bad thing. In fact, I can spend my time in the Wasteland just as I would any other Thanksgiving, with these yearly traditions.
Stuffing your face
Getting fat on soda and beetle carcass.
Food choice is important and abundant in Fallout. Rather than spending your days filling up on stuffing and dark meat, you can get full up on irradiated macaroni and mutated steaks. Now Iï¿½ve already discussed the problems with eating the Wastelandï¿½s bug population. But that doesnï¿½t mean the rest of Fallout 3ï¿½s food is bad. Hell, look at Yao Guai meat; on top of being a lean meat (Iï¿½m assuming), you get a frigginï¿½ health boost from it! And all you have to do is shotgun one of the fuckers in the face. Ainï¿½t that better than trying to cook a turkey for 15 hours?
Sleeping off food sickness
Like this, but in your colon.
During Thanksgiving youï¿½ve got to be ready for the onslaught to your vitality that is tryptophan. An essential amino acid, the chemical is known for making you pass out after large festive meals. For most, this isnï¿½t a problem; itï¿½s a holiday meant for eating and sleeping. But if you want to do shit for the rest of the day/night, youï¿½re shit outta luck. In Fallout, your biggest food-based foe is radiation poisoning. Luckily battling it is as easy as popping a few Rad-X, getting an injection of Rad Away, and taking a short nap. And if youï¿½ve completed a certain mission early on, you can actually get healed from advanced rad poisoning! Iï¿½ll take that over some knock-out chemical any day.
Spending time with family
I LUV YA DADDY
Iï¿½m especially thankful for the opening sequence of Fallout 3. Itï¿½s the most ingenious and well-developed intro/tutorial level Iï¿½ve ever seen. Following you from birth until your escape from Vault 101, your introduced to various customization methods in interesting ways. More important than all that is the interactions you have with your father. This loving, kind man (with the voice of Liam Neeson *squee*) teaches all you need to know about the Vault and helps facilitate you leaving the Vault for good. You then spend the rest of the game trying to find your father again, fighting anything and everything the Wasteland throws your way. At least itï¿½s better than being grilled by your relatives at the dinner table.
Imposing your will on natives
Too bad they wonï¿½t get casinos.
Yes, I realize that this was kind of a one-off Thanksgiving tradition for most. The original pilgrims came to this country to find freedom, all the while squelching the freedoms of its natives. Well, why not do the same to the many denizens of future D.C.? As an outcast of the Vault, youï¿½re in the same boat as the pilgrims; in a dangerous and unknown land, with little or no help from your past home. So you have a grand opportunity to show your dominance over the various Ghouls and Radiers peppering the Wasteland. Some Slaver giving you a sideways glance you donï¿½t like? Blast his goddamn head off and steal his clothes. Have a few Enclave fighters chasing you? Mini-Nuke themï¿½then steal their clothes. At least youï¿½re not giving them irradiated blankets to kill them off.
Whether or not you spend your holiday with your real or virtual family, I hope all you lovely Dtoiders have a great Thanksgiving. I know I will.
Last time I gave you folks all the makings for a fantastic night of game food. While I'd like to give you another great menu, I've decided to look at the darker side of video game grub. I wouldn't give this stuff to the lowliest Goombah as a meal. Say hello to the Pizza by Alfredo of video game food:
Now that is just unsanitary.
Alright, this is a given. While preparing your delicious meat patty Chef Pepper feels the need to walk over any goddamn ingredient, in the hopes of making a better burger for his customers (and attempting to not die). Plus, the burgers are rather plain; only lettuce and meat? Where’s the tomato? The ketchup? Who in the hell orders such a simple burger? AT LEAST PUT CHEESE ON THERE, JESUS. To make matters worse, the Chef liberally applies pepper to the burger whenever he feels like it (i.e. to not die). Oh, and don’t get me started on putting hot dogs and eggs on burgers…
Turkey in Final Fight
WHO THE FUCK KEEPS FOOD IN TRASH CANS THAT IS A STUPID WAY TO STORE FOOD.
Bloatfly Meat from Fallout 3
What a creepy bastard...
C'mon, are you serious? Do you really fucking expect me to believe that someone, anyone would eat the backside of a giant beetle? This is disgusting. I understand that various bugs are delicacies in other countries, but I don't understand this. The nutritional value is awful, it can give you radiation poisoning, and it is a bugs ass. This wouldn't even be good fried...yeah, I know.
Poison Rice Balls from Tenchu
A bit too deadly for my delicate palate.
Ok yes, of course I'm not gonna eat anything I'm explicitly told is poisoned. That's a given. But that's not the worst part about these treats. Have you ever eaten something that's been in someone's pocket for a while? Rikimaru has to carry these things around with him for days, and has to have gotten them dirty, sweaty, wet, and bloody through his adventures. And with the way rice absorbs flavors, you never know how bad this stuff could actually be.
Ice Cream from Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em
The premise of Beat Em and Eat Em is rather simple; 2 scantily-clad women run back and forth under a building, attempting to catch the drops coming from a gentleman's ice cream cone. At least, that's what the cover tells me; I have no idea what the game is REALLY about. I find this very unsanitary. Who in their right mind eats ice cream dripping out of someone else's cone? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Animals are awesome, aren’t they? Fluffy, scaled, terrifying, gigantic, wonderful creatures of all makes and models are around us every day. So it would only seem natural to imbibe these creatures with features that would make them good video game characters. Sometimes, the characters come out with great personalities and powers. But most of the time you get characters that are just plain terrible; figures who disgrace the animals they’re modeled after.
Bobcat vs. Bubsy:
Bobcat traits: Brown coat, black-tuffed ears, hunts by ambushing animals and pouncing, collects small rodents, birds, and insects to eat.
Bubsy traits: Exclamation point t-shirt, giant fucking eyes, hunts by “pouncing” on enemies’ heads (a la every platformer EVER), collects red, blue, and yellow balls of yarn because HE’S A CAT LOL.
Bubsy: Bubsy, Bubsy, Bubsy. He’s the reason I created this list in the first place; there isn’t a worst animal-based character in gaming. Period. Not only has Bubsy’s name been attached to some of the worst platformers ever, he’s basically a snapshot of 90s advertising; edgy, cool, wise-cracking, and a cat. It’s a shame that he’s labeled a bobcat, since these majestic killing tools of nature deserve to have a more awesome character representing them.
Hedgehog vs. Amy
Hedgehog traits: takes part in the Internet’s cutest pictures
Amy traits: takes part in the Internet’s most disturbing pictures
Hedgehogs have an interesting place in pop culture. A tiny, adorable, not-really-good-for-much rodent became synonymous with a video game company in the 90s, when Sonic blast-processed onto the scene for Sega. It was a strange decision to choose a hedgehog. But at least the little guys aren’t ANNOYING AS HELL. That’s where Amy comes in. Originally Sega’s answer to Princess Peach, Amy changed clothes, hairstyles, and attitude, and became Navi to Sonic’s Link: constantly following him around, being bothersome, and spewing the most grating dialogue of anyone in the Sonicverse. Sonic made hedgehogs cool; Amy ruined their reputation forever. And seriously, have you ever seen Amy hentai? Highly disturbing…
Killer Whale vs. Duff McWhalen
Killer Whale traits: largest animal in the dolphin family, lifespan of 40-60 years, isn’t named Duff McWhalen
Duff McWhalen traits: is named Duff McWhalen
Ok, this might seem a little backwards: a robot whale is LESS awesome than a regular old flesh-and-blubber killer whale? Yep. The majestic orca should seem like a perfect candidate for robot modification; it’s fast and powerful, and can live a pretty long time. But when that robot mod is Duff McWhalen, you might want the old killer whale back. First of all, Duff isn’t in Free Willy which automatically costs him points. Secondly, Duff stared as one of the Mavericks in one of the more disjointed and complicated Mega Man games, X5. Thirdly, HIS. NAME. IS. DUFF. MCWHALEN. I’m sorry, but that is inexcusable; that is one of the stupidest character names in gaming history. Who in their right mind thinks to name a character after a Guns N’ Roses bassist and a big fish? Also, he attacks with a weapon called the Goo Shaver. Seriously.
Ok, sure, I’ve talked about some annoying characters in this list. But, let’s be honest, they’re nothing, NOTHING, compared to the biggest slimy green pest to ever pilot an Arwing. This poor excuse for a frog is supposed to be the engineer/inventor of the Star Fox team (even coming up with the designs for the Blue Marine and Landmaster vehicles), and it shows on the battlefield. Slippy is the worst support character in the game (or any game, for that matter), and on top of constantly whining about being attacked, the bastard dies practically every second in the field. Such a shame for a creature who, in real life, is a mighty amphibian. Native to every continent other than the cold, bullshit ones, toads are known for their tenacity in different conditions, toxicity, and sex-changing abilities. And, while they may croak a lot, none of them bitch on and on and on and on about being chased by enemy aircraft.