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3:33 PM on 09.09.2010

Pendelton Talks About Stuff (also SCOTT PILGRIM AWESOMENESS)


That totally just happened.

It was pretty cool.

Actually, it was one of the best experiences of my life, to be honest with you. I had so much fucking fun in and around the streets of Seattle. I got to take a picture with my big group of friends, play Space Oddity with a great group of fellas, see king3vbo almost naked, and get stalked by a creepy drunk guy (who a surprising lot of you ran into). It all made me realise how much I miss the Dtoid community. Sure, I stop by every once in a while (Tuesdays, to be exact). But I haven't posted a blog since *checks position of sun in sky* fucking June. I love you guys a hell of a lot more than that, and I feel like it's time to post some stuff. Which I will be doing at least once a week. What might said stuff be? Well...

I could write a supplement to a piece I wrote over at Nukezilla, my current JOURNALISM home. For instance:

I recently wrote a piece about my time with Comic Jumper, where I almost played the entire game because the full version was playable for all at the PAX show floor. You should really go check it out if you have the time. Something I wanted to add, though, was how much Twisted Pixel reminds me of Pixar. In case you didn't know, Pixar has a thing with recurring items and motifs, like the ball in Luxo Jr. (blue and yellow with a red star) that appears in every single one of their films (seriously, look it up sometime). Well, TP has started doing that with their games. In the first level of Comic Jumper a bunch of billboards are positioned in the background. These billboards advertise, among other things, Big Science Labs, which is apparently where all the 'Splosion Man testing was going on. There's another that looks like a military recruiting poster for the military-like beings in The Maw.

Interesting, right? I could also post an update on my somewhat credible underground child po...sorry, bead sprite job, like:

So I totally made this recently:

This is the biggest piece I've made so far. It's pretty fucking great, right? I had to basically pause the game, mid-animation, to attempt to pull this off. Then I did a basic internet search (which I should've fucking done in the first place) and found this couple who do fantastic bead sprite work, and followed the piece that they made. Looks great, right? If you'd like me to make you something like this/this thing exactly, please let me know through a DM or comment. I'd be happy to make anything your mind can imagine (for a small fee).

Hell, I could even go one step further and write a full-blown erotic fanfiction if I felt like it. Something along the lines of:

As Roll entered the boss doors, jumping through in a whimsical fashion that lifted her skirt a bit, her foe was just in range. Wood Man, the dastardly and deliriously devilish of the forest the young female robot had just battles hours to get through, was waiting. Saying this man had wood was an understatement: every piece of him was made from a strong oak. While this made him susceptible to heat, he contained a lust for the fairer sex that burned brighter than a thousand Solar Men. Roll knew that all of her sexual conquests up to know were only practice for Wood Man. She also knew that Fucking him was the only way to find out what happened to her brother Mega. As she stepped forward, letting her dress fall to the wayside, she gave the Wooden One a coquettish smile. They both knew what she was here to do. Finally, Roll sheepishly said "Do you have any protection?"

That's when the leaves started swirling around his penis.

Wow, that was hot. Anyway, that's the kind of shit I wanna bring back to the Cblogs. I hope you're ready for it. I sure as hell ain't.   read

11:01 AM on 06.16.2010

Level-Headed: Mission 2 (Metal Slug 3)

What makes a great zombie? That really depends on who you ask. Some will say that the Romero-based ghouls are the best; shambling creatures devoid of thought, driven only by their hunger. These beasts-once-human are analogous of the very society that birthed them: mindless consumers who care only about that next meal. Others have fallen in love with the Rage-virus-infected, speed-boosted animals made popular in recent years. More machine than man, these devices of unending torment are as relentless as they are senseless; they’ll break down anything and everything just for a simple taste of grey matter.

Me? I just want zombies that vomit rivers of blood.

Thankfully Metal Slug 3 exists to give me just that. After hearing about the abilities of the zombies in Mission 2 of MS3 from Topher Cantler in an old Retroforce GO! episode, I had to experience them for myself. And I was not disappointed. Not only were the zombies and the zombie abilities you gain incredible, the level isn’t half-bad.

As with most Metal Slug levels, this one begins with your character of choice parachuting on the outskirts of an army base. Something feels different this time; as you land, a horde of terrified scientists run by…but from what? That’s when you see the first of many undead horrors. These zombies are in a class all by themselves. Instead of chasing down their prey for food, these creatures want you to be more like them. So they’ll vomit and spray brain matter all over you in an attempt to do so.

They also blow up quite spectacularly.

Yes, turning into a zombie is as simple as getting drooled on, but epic nontheless. As the level goes on, various townspeople are at risk from zombification, and must be protected. Unlike the usual captured soldiers from the Metal Slug games (who are still present), these people can become a problem (read: zombie) if not rescued from the hordes of slavering undead. If they get retched/erupted upon, they turn into the zombies you’re trying to destroy.

What’s even MORE foul is that you, too, can be transformed into one of these awful creatures. Except when it happens to you, you become a FUCKING BADASS. What, has the Army come out of hiding to destroy your new zombie form? Sucks to be them: you are completely impervious to any, ANY Army-based weaponry. Which is great when you fight a squadron of helicopters late in the level. The only way you can be killed is by getting attacked by another zombie. So as long as you keep the undead masses in check you’ll be fine. The fact that you’re invincible doesn’t grab ya? Oh how about UNLEASHING A TORRENT OF BLOOD FROM YOUR FACE.


The biggest draw of this level is this power: replacing your grenades when you turn is the ability to vomit blood which literally covers the entire screen, destroying everything in fucking sight. Literally everything; there isn’t a single enemy who is immune to your Sickle-cell-stream of death. This level has a lot of noticeable power-ups like that that are difficult to find elsewhere in the game. Monkey partner armed with a machine gun who joins you in battle? Check. A self-contained stormcloud that you get for rescuing the President from certain doom? Check.

Aside from the whole living dead aspect, my favorite part of this level is the final boss fight. After blasting and vomiting your way through the level, you come across an alien crash site. The air grows thick and cold as you approach the site (represented by the fact that you can see your character’s breath). Then, as soon as you arrive, six horrible, grotesque alien beings appear out of fucking nowhere to try and destroy you. They begin rotating around the alien artifact coming out of the ground, bombarding you with energy blasts from their eyestalks. If you’ve kept your zombie form up to this point, you can unleash your vomit to dispatch them quickly. Just watch out: zombie form makes you much slower, and these fuckers are fast.

Also, they’re goddamned fucking ugly.

With the alien menace defeated, the artifact begins to rise out of the ground, and the thing gets down to business. Your task is to defeat the machine/UFO/whatever by blasting the top of it with everything you’ve got. Your attempts to destroy it are met with opposition, of course. The machine makes obelisks drop out of the fucking sky along the path of a beam of light. You can either shoot these obelisks to destroy them A.S.A.P., or use them to leap up and shoot the hell out of the glowing top of the thing. Success in this section is all about speed. The more damage you do to the device, the quicker it spits out obelisks.

With the alien menace finally defeated comes the close of one of my favorite Metal Slug levels. This level distances itself from most MS level by being more fantastical with the inclusion of zombies and aliens (which, granted, are the main focus of MS3’s story). Also, there’s no need for you to use one of the titular Metal Slug tanks. Why would you, when you’re the fucking unded with one of the greatest zombie powers in gaming?

Pelican Bay (On The Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness Ep. 1)
World 8-1 (Super Mario Bros. 3
Industrial Castle (Castle Crashers)
The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts)
Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)   read

2:16 PM on 12.14.2009

The Great Dtoid Drought of '09

Ladies and gentlemen,
I hope this news finds you well. I am contacting you with what limited resources I have left. In case you didn't know, for roughly the past two days, our beloved was stricken with some sort of grave tragedy. We have been unable to access the glorious bounty of information it provides. At this time, I know not how such an incident came about. I have been beside myself trying to find out the answer. As such, I've been unable to do things, including process normal human functions; I have neither ate nor sleep since last I saw the glorious green mechanoid that graces our fair frontpage. All enjoyment seemed to have been sapped from my essence. And my Sunday was completely ruined; I had no Sterling article to enjoy, nor dumbasses that regularly comment on such articles to laugh at. But, thankfully, I can still talk to you through these wonderful cblogs. Have you found a way to live on during this horrible drought? Please leave note on you have survived these past harrowing hours. I hope that this blog can serve as a bandage to heal the wounds this past weekend may have left. Thank you, and God bless.


Also cocks.   read

9:23 AM on 11.26.2009

Celebrating Thanksgiving in The Wasteland

Time to carve the bird!

Saying that I�m thankful that Fallout 3 exists is putting it lightly.

After having a run-in with it last year, I picked up the GOTY edition earlier this month. The game has taken control of my life. So much so that on the day that I should be spending time with my family, I�ll instead spend it in the desolate D.C. plains. But that�s not a bad thing. In fact, I can spend my time in the Wasteland just as I would any other Thanksgiving, with these yearly traditions.

Stuffing your face

Getting fat on soda and beetle carcass.

Food choice is important and abundant in Fallout. Rather than spending your days filling up on stuffing and dark meat, you can get full up on irradiated macaroni and mutated steaks. Now I�ve already discussed the problems with eating the Wasteland�s bug population. But that doesn�t mean the rest of Fallout 3�s food is bad. Hell, look at Yao Guai meat; on top of being a lean meat (I�m assuming), you get a friggin� health boost from it! And all you have to do is shotgun one of the fuckers in the face. Ain�t that better than trying to cook a turkey for 15 hours?

Sleeping off food sickness

Like this, but in your colon.

During Thanksgiving you�ve got to be ready for the onslaught to your vitality that is tryptophan. An essential amino acid, the chemical is known for making you pass out after large festive meals. For most, this isn�t a problem; it�s a holiday meant for eating and sleeping. But if you want to do shit for the rest of the day/night, you�re shit outta luck. In Fallout, your biggest food-based foe is radiation poisoning. Luckily battling it is as easy as popping a few Rad-X, getting an injection of Rad Away, and taking a short nap. And if you�ve completed a certain mission early on, you can actually get healed from advanced rad poisoning! I�ll take that over some knock-out chemical any day.

Spending time with family


I�m especially thankful for the opening sequence of Fallout 3. It�s the most ingenious and well-developed intro/tutorial level I�ve ever seen. Following you from birth until your escape from Vault 101, your introduced to various customization methods in interesting ways. More important than all that is the interactions you have with your father. This loving, kind man (with the voice of Liam Neeson *squee*) teaches all you need to know about the Vault and helps facilitate you leaving the Vault for good. You then spend the rest of the game trying to find your father again, fighting anything and everything the Wasteland throws your way. At least it�s better than being grilled by your relatives at the dinner table.

Imposing your will on natives

Too bad they won�t get casinos.

Yes, I realize that this was kind of a one-off Thanksgiving tradition for most. The original pilgrims came to this country to find freedom, all the while squelching the freedoms of its natives. Well, why not do the same to the many denizens of future D.C.? As an outcast of the Vault, you�re in the same boat as the pilgrims; in a dangerous and unknown land, with little or no help from your past home. So you have a grand opportunity to show your dominance over the various Ghouls and Radiers peppering the Wasteland. Some Slaver giving you a sideways glance you don�t like? Blast his goddamn head off and steal his clothes. Have a few Enclave fighters chasing you? Mini-Nuke them�then steal their clothes. At least you�re not giving them irradiated blankets to kill them off.

Whether or not you spend your holiday with your real or virtual family, I hope all you lovely Dtoiders have a great Thanksgiving. I know I will.   read

5:52 PM on 11.16.2009

The Gaming Gourmand: Video Game Foods I'd Never Eat

No, of course this isn't Photoshopped.

Last time I gave you folks all the makings for a fantastic night of game food. While I'd like to give you another great menu, I've decided to look at the darker side of video game grub. I wouldn't give this stuff to the lowliest Goombah as a meal. Say hello to the Pizza by Alfredo of video game food:

Burgertime Burger

Now that is just unsanitary.

Alright, this is a given. While preparing your delicious meat patty Chef Pepper feels the need to walk over any goddamn ingredient, in the hopes of making a better burger for his customers (and attempting to not die). Plus, the burgers are rather plain; only lettuce and meat? Where’s the tomato? The ketchup? Who in the hell orders such a simple burger? AT LEAST PUT CHEESE ON THERE, JESUS. To make matters worse, the Chef liberally applies pepper to the burger whenever he feels like it (i.e. to not die). Oh, and don’t get me started on putting hot dogs and eggs on burgers…

Turkey in Final Fight


Bloatfly Meat from Fallout 3

What a creepy bastard...

C'mon, are you serious? Do you really fucking expect me to believe that someone, anyone would eat the backside of a giant beetle? This is disgusting. I understand that various bugs are delicacies in other countries, but I don't understand this. The nutritional value is awful, it can give you radiation poisoning, and it is a bugs ass. This wouldn't even be good fried...yeah, I know.

Poison Rice Balls from Tenchu

A bit too deadly for my delicate palate.

Ok yes, of course I'm not gonna eat anything I'm explicitly told is poisoned. That's a given. But that's not the worst part about these treats. Have you ever eaten something that's been in someone's pocket for a while? Rikimaru has to carry these things around with him for days, and has to have gotten them dirty, sweaty, wet, and bloody through his adventures. And with the way rice absorbs flavors, you never know how bad this stuff could actually be.

Ice Cream from Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em

Eww, gross...vanilla.

The premise of Beat Em and Eat Em is rather simple; 2 scantily-clad women run back and forth under a building, attempting to catch the drops coming from a gentleman's ice cream cone. At least, that's what the cover tells me; I have no idea what the game is REALLY about. I find this very unsanitary. Who in their right mind eats ice cream dripping out of someone else's cone? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.   read

5:18 PM on 10.22.2009

Animals Cooler Than Their Video Game Counterparts

Animals are awesome, aren’t they? Fluffy, scaled, terrifying, gigantic, wonderful creatures of all makes and models are around us every day. So it would only seem natural to imbibe these creatures with features that would make them good video game characters. Sometimes, the characters come out with great personalities and powers. But most of the time you get characters that are just plain terrible; figures who disgrace the animals they’re modeled after.

Bobcat vs. Bubsy:

Bobcat traits: Brown coat, black-tuffed ears, hunts by ambushing animals and pouncing, collects small rodents, birds, and insects to eat.
Bubsy traits: Exclamation point t-shirt, giant fucking eyes, hunts by “pouncing” on enemies’ heads (a la every platformer EVER), collects red, blue, and yellow balls of yarn because HE’S A CAT LOL.

Bubsy: Bubsy, Bubsy, Bubsy. He’s the reason I created this list in the first place; there isn’t a worst animal-based character in gaming. Period. Not only has Bubsy’s name been attached to some of the worst platformers ever, he’s basically a snapshot of 90s advertising; edgy, cool, wise-cracking, and a cat. It’s a shame that he’s labeled a bobcat, since these majestic killing tools of nature deserve to have a more awesome character representing them.

Hedgehog vs. Amy

Hedgehog traits: takes part in the Internet’s cutest pictures
Amy traits: takes part in the Internet’s most disturbing pictures

Hedgehogs have an interesting place in pop culture. A tiny, adorable, not-really-good-for-much rodent became synonymous with a video game company in the 90s, when Sonic blast-processed onto the scene for Sega. It was a strange decision to choose a hedgehog. But at least the little guys aren’t ANNOYING AS HELL. That’s where Amy comes in. Originally Sega’s answer to Princess Peach, Amy changed clothes, hairstyles, and attitude, and became Navi to Sonic’s Link: constantly following him around, being bothersome, and spewing the most grating dialogue of anyone in the Sonicverse. Sonic made hedgehogs cool; Amy ruined their reputation forever. And seriously, have you ever seen Amy hentai? Highly disturbing…

Killer Whale vs. Duff McWhalen

Killer Whale traits: largest animal in the dolphin family, lifespan of 40-60 years, isn’t named Duff McWhalen
Duff McWhalen traits: is named Duff McWhalen

Ok, this might seem a little backwards: a robot whale is LESS awesome than a regular old flesh-and-blubber killer whale? Yep. The majestic orca should seem like a perfect candidate for robot modification; it’s fast and powerful, and can live a pretty long time. But when that robot mod is Duff McWhalen, you might want the old killer whale back. First of all, Duff isn’t in Free Willy which automatically costs him points. Secondly, Duff stared as one of the Mavericks in one of the more disjointed and complicated Mega Man games, X5. Thirdly, HIS. NAME. IS. DUFF. MCWHALEN. I’m sorry, but that is inexcusable; that is one of the stupidest character names in gaming history. Who in their right mind thinks to name a character after a Guns N’ Roses bassist and a big fish? Also, he attacks with a weapon called the Goo Shaver. Seriously.

Toad vs. Slippy Toad

Toad traits: brown, leathery skin (good for camo), croaking-like mating call
Slippy Toad traits: cannot hide self well, whiny, annoying voice, constant death

Ok, sure, I’ve talked about some annoying characters in this list. But, let’s be honest, they’re nothing, NOTHING, compared to the biggest slimy green pest to ever pilot an Arwing. This poor excuse for a frog is supposed to be the engineer/inventor of the Star Fox team (even coming up with the designs for the Blue Marine and Landmaster vehicles), and it shows on the battlefield. Slippy is the worst support character in the game (or any game, for that matter), and on top of constantly whining about being attacked, the bastard dies practically every second in the field. Such a shame for a creature who, in real life, is a mighty amphibian. Native to every continent other than the cold, bullshit ones, toads are known for their tenacity in different conditions, toxicity, and sex-changing abilities. And, while they may croak a lot, none of them bitch on and on and on and on about being chased by enemy aircraft.   read

9:11 PM on 09.11.2009

Pendelton's PAX Pontifications: The Best and Worst Booth at PAX

Awesome, yet retarded.

If you come to any of the big gaming industry events like PAX, you’re bound to see some of the craziest exhibition booths in existence. Game companies will do ANYTHING to get you to try out their games; give out free swag, have costumed people walk around their booth, erect mechanical bulls. The good companies draw you in with these gimmicks; the BEST one have amazing swag and games. Somehow, the Hudson booth managed to be both the best AND worst booth at PAX.

Those that went to PAX might not even know what booth I’m talking about. If you blinked, you missed it. Positioned between the Capcom and Conan booths, this Hudson kiosk was tiny. 3 of ‘em could fit in any of the other companies’ booths. This thing was small. On display were 4 LCDs, running 2 games of Deca Sports 2, a Diner Dash XBLA demo, and a video screen showing off gameplay videos of some space marine bullshit, Miami Law, Diner Dash, and Deca Sports 2. That’s it. 2 Hudson signs were the only other decoration. Right off the bat, the Hudson booth fails on the basis of presentation. It’s just…just awful.

Even more vile were the games on display. I played both on display, for reasons explained in the next paragraph, and MAN did they suck. Deca Sports 2, as you can probably gather from the name, is the sequel to the shitty, much-advertised-and maligned Deca Sports. Also, as you can easily guess, the game is a crappy, awful, no-good, very bad Wii Sports clone. For testing purposes, I played in a “tournament” with a few others, all vying for whatever random prizes they had to offer. First up, Gary (some douche) and I faced off in a motorbike race. Controls were as you’d expect, in that they were exactly Mario Kart’s controls. One difference was if you didn’t slow down through a turn, you’d hit a wall. But, rather than doing the sane thing most games do and have your speed decrease upon contact, you come to a COMPLETE FUCKING STOP. Seriously, all forward momentum is gone if you so much as TAP a wall or barricade. At the end of the longest race of my life, Gary came out the winner, and moved on, leaving me feeling like I was sexually abused by a video game. Yeah, it was that bad.

Being a glutton for punishment (apparently), I stepped to the next screen to play some Diner Dash. I knew DD was alright because, seriously, how can you fuck up that game? Thankfully, they didn’t, but it’s still Diner Dash, something you’ve played millions of time before online, on your cell, on your DS, etc. They did at least add in restaurant upgrades; items you could gain after achieving a certain score that helps your customers stay happy. In my demo, we picked up a drink station and juggler; the station to give them something to drink before their meal, and the juggler to keep them entertained while they wait in line. I’m guessing there aren’t enough people willing to buy this on PSN and XBLA, but they did it anyway. Oh well, at least the multiplayer was kinda fun; I got a bit of enjoyment “fighting” someone else to be the best waitress.

Now, you must be thinking, “Pendelton. This booth sounds like a poor person designed and payed for it. How can this possibly be good?”

Swag, my friends, swag. Of all the free shit given out at PAX, Hudson gave away the awesomest. Seriously. For participating in the Deca Sports Shit-a-thon, you got…these:

AWESOME motorcycle racing gloves! When I originally got them, they had a Deca Sports 2 patch on the back. I cut that shit off as soon as I could, and now I have bitchin’ gaming/biking gloves.

What about Diner Dash you say? Oh, well, I just got:

A FUCKING APRON. What. How ridiculous is this thing? WHO GIVES OUT FREE APRONS?!?! On top of that, I picked up a metal pin/police badge for Miami Law, and 2 individually numbered dogtags from that space marine nonsense from before.

This shows the strange greatness of this booth; not only are they giving away really cool shit, all the swag has a real connection to the game. Unlike other booths that showered you with God of War 3 lanyards and Brutal Legend stickers, Hudson made each and every bit of swag relate with the game it was advertising. Seriously, giving out aprons for a game associated with dining? Genius. They also allowed swag possession ONLY if you played their shitty games; thus, you had to at least try out their product before they would spend money on you. Not enough booths at PAX made this rule; why spend money on swag that you’re just gonna hand out to passers-by, rather than those who took time to actually play your game?

Hudson, if you’re reading this, I have a question; how did you pull this off? How exactly could you publish such crap games as those displayed at PAX, yet have enough know-how and spunk to make your swag the best of the show? There’s something so wrong about it. I felt like I had whored myself out for swag; subjecting myself to these rotten gaming experiences for some really cool shit. If any booth at PAX could’ve done that, it had to be the best AND worst booth there.   read

8:31 PM on 09.09.2009

Level-Headed: Pelican Bay

As wonderful an experience as PAX was, something was missing. Going to Seattle, I knew, in my heart of hearts, I was gonna be able to sink my teeth into news about the 3rd installment of my favorite downloadable series, On The Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness. This ingenious and funny RPG created by the Penny Arcade guys has delighted me for hours on end, with both episode 1 and 2 holding some of the best turn-based battles and enjoyable scenarios I’ve ever played. Not hearing anything about Ep. 3 made me a sad panda, to be sure. But, going to PAX, I decided to go back and play Ep. 1, in preparation for the news that never came. In doing that, I was reminded of one of the strangest levels I’ve ever witnessed in an RPG: the festival-like, mime-infested Pelican Bay.


Pelican Bay, much like the boardwalks of your youth, contains everything for an enjoyable summer afternoon: mimes, barbershop quartets, games of chance, popcorn, and cults trying to release an ancient unspeakable horror onto the land. This level opens up about 1/3rd through the game, while you, Gabe, and Tycho are on the hunt for the Fruit Fucker that destroyed your house (God I love this plot). The area begins with a visit to the shop of the odd-doesn't-even-begin-to-describe-him Mr. Swindell. Navigate some of the strangest in the dialogue in the game, and give Swindell your ticket, to gain access to the boardwalk.

Making your way through the opening gate, you come in contact with a mime scientist. He tells you that he was once under the control of some sort of mime cult, who has now confiscated some of his invisible mime items. Guess who has to find that shit? Well, you do, and that means walking through the gorgeously-drawn boardwalk doing everything from playing carnival games, collecting prize tokens, and fighting, fighting, fighting. You basically carve your way through swarms of clowns, singing quartets, and the aforementioned evil mimes. The best part about these enemies are their attacks; the clowns toss their over-sized red boots at you with an attack called Bop Shoe Bop, the quartet fights using their vast vocal skills, and the mimes attempt to, well, MIME you to death.

Greatest attack name ever.

As you progress through the level, you eventually come into contact with the Necrowombicon, the book that turned all these mimes into religious zealots, obeying the will of some great being known as The Silent One (see where this is going?). Eventually you get the mime scientist's parts back for him, and learn that, to save the world, you have to battle the as-yet-unseen Silent One, who is looking to come into this world and rule with a giant, unspeaking hand. Through determination and battling the higher-ups in the mimes evil cult cabal, the final boss battle comes. You go face to face, tentacle to rake, against The Silent One; a statue…possessed by Cthulu…in a mime outfit. Yeah.

See? Frightening, isn't he?

Now, I'd rather not spoil the final fight, as it's not only the final of the episode, but one of the better ones I've fought in so far. Just know; it's awesome. If you're a fan of RPGs or what Gabe and Tycho do in general, you fucking OWE it to yourself to pick this (and Ep. 2) up, and enjoy pure, hilarious bliss. Then, you can join me while I wait for news about Ep. 3.

World 8-1 (Super Mario Bros. 3
Industrial Castle (Castle Crashers)
The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts)
Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)   read

11:36 AM on 09.08.2009

Pendelton's Post-PAX Pontifications: Welcome home.

Suddenly, a god-like voice boomed out over the masses. “Ladies and gentlemen,” it spoke, “PAX 2009 is now open.”

“Welcome home.”

Ain’t that the fucking truth. PAX 2009 has officially commenced, leaving me feeling the same way someone must feel at the end of an orgy; hot, sticky, and sighing in ecstacy, but longing for more. I could not have asked for a better weekend. Not only did I get to take part in some of the greatest minutes in gaming, I also met the greatest group of people in exsitence, and forever emblazoned the symbol of said group on my body. Yes, you’ve heard it a million times before, and you’ll hear it even more in the future, but it really is true; you MUST come here.

The sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings; it all must be experienced. You have to stumble through the streets of Seattle on a Friday afternoon and see a man walking a leashed ferret. You must listen to the pings and shouts of joy coming from the arcade playground known as Gameworks. You’ve gotta get your hands on a game that you’d never heard of before, but INSTANTLY want. (Oh Shank. Oh God yes Shank.) You should really feel the embrace of a drunk internet superstar that you weren’t expecting (love you, Sessler!). You must come home.

Over the next few days, if you’d indulge me, I’m gonna fucking shove PAX down your throats. I’ve got a new Level-Headed tomorrow about a PAX-related game, a story about the worst AND greatest booth (the Hudson booth) at PAX, a review of the Freezepop concert, a behind-the-scenes tale of the Dtoid tattoo, a collection of cosplayers, and my love letter to the Elephant and Castle, the meeting place of the PAX Dtoiders.

Whether you’re upset that PAX is over, or that you couldn’t go, I hope you’ll enjoy the tales I’m prepared to tell. ‘Cause I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing them.

How much is a plane ticket to Boston?   read

11:32 AM on 08.31.2009

College Course Using Guitar Hero To Teach...Guitar?

Unless you have to do it for homework.

Whilst perusing through my daily publication-of-choice (The BG NEWS, my campus' newspaper), I came across a story about how professors are taking everyone's favorite tiny baby guitar and putting it to good use. Prof. Tom Cody and Ass. Prof. Ann Clements have been teaching their music education students proper techniques for teaching begining guitar players the basics. This spring, Penn State students who sign up for MUSIC 112 will learn all about guitar basics, Star Power, and how to properly defeat the devil with the power of rock. Ok, it's not that awesome, but the GH controllers will be used to teach proper coordination and guitar handling. Since most K-12 students are being brought up with gaming, and most teenagers have alreaqdy had interactions with these sort of games, Clements believes that it will attract more kids to picking up their own six-string. "It's something more than a game," Clements said. "It's more than pushing buttons."

What makes this article more interesting is a poll done in this musical education class. Of the 35 students in the class, when asked if video games were a viable form with which to teach music, only 20% said that they were. Once the class was over, and the students had learned about how the game can be used in an educational fashion, roughly 90% agreed that this was a good method to use. It just goes to show that some of the naysayers (such as the ones Harmonix talks about) might be wrong about dismissing these rhythm games.

Original article found here   read

8:48 PM on 08.24.2009

Why I love Destructoid

Because, within 5 days of asking for a tattoo design, not only did the community (including the beautiful, awesome Mikey) oblige, but Niero fucking agreed to fully pay for it. Awesome.


10:57 AM on 08.20.2009

Top 10 reasons why the Rock Band portable drum kit rawks ass.

10. It's portable: do you realise what this means? YOU CAN DRUM. ON THE GO. Well, as long as you also have some sort of portable 360 and television.

9. It works better than the GH drums: God, what a horrible peripheral the GH drums are. Whoever created those needs to have them surgically attatched to him/herself, so that they must always live with that shame.

8. If the portable drum kit was a useable item in Yakuza 3, you could probably use them to kill someone. Probably.

7. The footpedal: it's adjustable, big, and won't snap in half when your Uncle Morty (and his gigantic feet) try and use it.

6. The red drum head: Seriously, that fucking kicks ass.

5. Fat Princess does more for feminism...wait, shit, that's a different list.

4. When configured properly, the portable drum kit looks like an intergalactic super squid.

3. The hidden classic controller: all 4 drum heads and the foot pedal get connected to a center console, that looks a bit like a SNES controller. Amazingly, you can actually use this console LIKE AN SNES CONTROLLER. Seriously, the dpad is pretty good, and I love playing Mega Man 9 with it.

2. It's basically a custom drumset kit creator, as the drum heads can be arranged any way you want them. That means you can have a head by your balls, 2 across the room, and one behind your head, replicationg the drum set up Neil Pert uses.

1. Yojimbo: because I like following trends.


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