Some games suck. That's just the way of life in the video game world. But sometimes, games that everyone thinks sucks get a bum rap, and looking back on them, we realize they don't suck as much as we thought they did. Consequently, there are other games that we once thought were awesome, but looking back, they weren't so great. And some games just suck no matter what.
(horray for copypasta!!!)
So, blasting off into space, it's...
Basic Info
Magical Starsign
Developer - Nintendo
Console - Nintendo DS
Year - 2006
The Premise
Take the characters from Chrono Trigger, put them in a Harry Potter book, and blast the whole concocted shitstorm into outer space. Oh, yeah, and name the characters after desserts/salad dressing/cheeses. And fight a big, alien, magical chicken. In space.
Yes, it is really that fucking dumb and uninspired.
Robo...sorry, Mokka, one of your deliciously-named partners.
The Gameplay
Standard RPG fare: rock-paper-scissor elements, different attacks and defenses depending on where you place your characters in battle, elemental magic, blah, blah, blah. It's nothing you've never seen before. The only big change is a use of the solar system to boost your powers. Depending on the time of day, and the alignment of the planets, you or your opponents powers will increase. But, because of the way the fighting system is set up, this is a moot point.
Your basic battle screen, with the solar system at the top.
Battles are easier than anything you've played before. The game gently coaxes you into using magic rather than attacks. To help this out, the game replenishes your MP quickly. This then eliminates the need for healing items (if you have enough healing spells), MP recovery items, and weapons, even though the game offers them. It's really unusual for a game like this to hold your hand throughout the battles by giving you every advantage, and it detracts from gameplay.
The story involves you and your party running after one of your teachers at Hogwarts...sorry, Will 'O Wisp Academy, when you find out she's run off to another planet for some reason. The problem is, you've never been in outer space. Apparently, no one has, what with there being no such things as space ships. So, of course, you find 6 space ships in a back room of the academy, and you and your friends blast off into space. But, along the way, each ship is marooned on a different planet, and it's your job to get everyone back together. I think there's more, but I just didn't give a shit.
The Graphics and Sound
Magical Starsign is apparently the sequel to a Japan-only GBA game called Magical Vacation. Something tells me that the graphics and sound from that game aren't that different than this one. Poor music and lame character sprites drag the experience down. Thankfully, environments are rather vibrant and fun, until you get into dungeon levels, where each turn looks the same as the last.
The Conclusion
Forgetable story, characters you've already played as 15 years ago, difficulty level on par with a 5-piece jigsaw puzzle, and lame graphics make this game a throwaway RPG experience.
Final Vedict: Moderate Suckage
Not even worth being pissed off over.
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Tee-hee. Ass is in the title...TWICE!!!
Today's Mini-Game was actually raved about from a few people on the cblogs and in the forums. I passed by the game a few times, thinking it would be completely awful. I mean, seriously, how could they possibly shrink the experience of Assassin's Creed down small enough to fit it into a damn cell phone?
I'm not sure, but they did it, and did it well.
First of all, the game starts out by telling you that, if you enjoy this cell phone game, you should check out the other versions on the 360 and PS3. Do they honestly think there would be, anytime, anywhere, someone who would hear about the cell phone game before hearing about the console version? Seems rather idiotic to me. Anyway, the game tells the same story as the console versions; you get stripped of your assassining powers and weapons, have to go across a very, very condensed version of 12th century Holy Land, going across Jerusalem, Acre, Damascus and Masyaf, killing 8 important people 'cause some bearded douche tells you to.
And, much like the console versions, many of the abilities and tricks you have as an assassin are put to use here. There's the crazy acrobatics you can pull off, the ability to blend in with the monks, and the general bad-assness that comes from being an assassin lile Altair in the 12th century. For the first time in my Mini-Games reviews, I'm gonna say something I thought I'd never say about a cell phone game:
You Need To Play This.
I just killed a boss. Oh, and I came.
Honestly, I never thought I could get so much pleasure, and become so amazed, at a CELL PHONE game before. Everything that went well in this game was amplified that much more because all of this cool shit was pulled off ON A CELL PHONE! Almost every minute of gameplay was just mind-blowing to me as I wondered how the hell such a great game could be packaged like this. For instance, one of my favorite moves occurred in the first level, when you have to take a ladder, and somehow spin it around your body, while still being attached, and have it stay up against the wall you're currently on. Then, I had to climb up the ladder, stab a guard in the back, and flip up a wall. I then fell over the top of the wall, and caught myself between 2 walls, then dropped myself (sword first) onto a guard below me. Yes, it's a bit too badass to be described in writing. The game is filled with moments like this.
Right here's where I talk about the problems with the game. I was gonna say combat was nothing more than just mashing the attack button. Then I proceeded to run up a guard's shield and stab him in the face. Here I was gonna talk about how the assassinations (while having amazing animations) never really provided a challenge. Then I came upon the 3rd assassination where I fought my enemy in a Mega-Man-boss-style fight. Here I was gonna talk about how the sword, and other weapons aren't utilized as well as they should be. Then I proceeded to use a grappling hook to drag an enemy into a stack of spikes, and kick off his body...IN MIDAIR...to complete a jump I was making. Seriously. Every time I had an objection to this game, it gave me an awe-inspiring moment that made me shut my mouth. Well, except for the horseback riding levels. They were shitty and monotonous.
Fucking horses.
Even if you've never bought a cell phone game in the past, it will do you good to pony up the $8 to get this mobile gaming masterpiece. It's that damn good.
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Previous Mini-Games:
Turok
Dead Rising
Final Fantasy Snowboarding
Doom RPG
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Raised me better than my parents ever could.
Folks, I need you to step back in time with me today, as I travel to my childhood. As a kid, I never really had a lot of money, so I didn't get my SNES until everyone on the block owned a Playstation. But, I didn't care (and, to this day, still don't) Why is that? 2 reasons: 10 Street Fighter 2, and, of course, Zombies Ate My Neighbors. The most appreciated under-appreciated game ever, ZAMN is the epitome of classic gaming in my mind: no rewards other than your name on a scoreboards, frantic gameplay, great music, memorable enemies and challenges, and using crazy-ass weapons to off your foes. No where was that more apparent than on level 4 of ZAMN, today's Level-Headed stage: Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem.
For those not in the know, ZAMN is the story of a kid going around his neighborhood (and various other locals), destroying abominations of God (everything from zombies (big surprise) and werewolves to the purple tentacle from Day Of The Tentacle), and trying to save other human beings from being eaten alive. As a kid, this game was awesome. The different weapons you could use were crazy (squirt guns, rocket launchers, Pandora's Box, silverware, footballs, etc.), and each level had brought something new to the table. The first 3 levels were a showcase of the pros of the game; interesting level design, an array of cleaver weapons, and introduction to the first few meager enemies. Then, you reached level 4, and shit truly began happening.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO THOSE FAT TOURIST FUCKERS?
You start off the level amongst a row of hedges, with no enemies around, thinking this is gonna be a cakewalk. You walk around for a bit, maybe find a few neighbors, stock up on a few supplies.
Then it happens.
You turn a corner, hear an odd sound effect, then A CHAINSAW WIELDING MANIAC BUSTS THROUGH THE HEDGES AND ZOMG HE'S COMING FOR YOUR ASS!!!!! As a child, first witnessing the maniacs scared the ever-loving shit out of me. See, shit like that wasn't supposed to happen; in the earlier levels, you realise that the hedges are impenetrable, unless you happen to have a rocket or monster-change potion on hand. Then, without expecting it, some crazy motherfucker busts through the hedges like they're paper.
I just shit myself looking at this picture.
So, you start running, trying to get your bearings back, and trying to stay alive while finding the rest of your neighbors. Once you come to your senses, you think, "Hell, I'll just kill these guys. They're just like every other enemy in the game!" Oh, but that's not true. These are beasts from hell, out to rend your head from your body, and a mere squirtgun won't do shit to them. Hell, even a single rocket isn't enough for these bastards!!! Aside from the fact that this level introduces you to the nightmares you will have ongoing for the next 7 years, the maze design throws you off. Up to now, each level has been rther straightforward. Not, the programers decide to throw a wrench into your thought process and just toss you in a fucking maze. I've always appreciated that.
To this day, everytime I go back and pop in ZAMN, I still get shivers knowing level 4 is coming up. If you've ever played this level before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't check out the video of this scary-ass level (obviously with cheats).
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Previous Levels:
Temple of Ice (Legend of Zelda:Phantom Hourglass)
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Satan (or Little Horn, or The Beast) and his ugly bitch.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
What has the fucking world come to!?!?!
I can honestly say, without a doubt, if this goes through, the end of days is nigh. I mean, sure, EA is a soul-less, abhoration of a video game company, who feels totally content with releasing games to the masses that find the border of unplayability, and jump across that line like there's a tasty plate of wings on the other side. And, yes, deciding one day that they're going to own an ENTIRE GAME (namely, football...the good kind) is worthy of eternal damnation. But, this is a new level for them. Just...just sit back and think about it...
It's a video game.
About boring, bad-acting, whorish Spencer and Heidi.
2 people from an MVT television show.
Produced by EA.
I just shit myself and vomited all over the computer. Excuse me while I go clean myself off with gasoline.
And a match.
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Gain Ground: a hell of a lot better than this game.
For today's retro game, I had to find one of those 6-Genesis-In-A-Game emulators you can
get at any KB Toys store. But, even for such a bastardization of gaming, it was still worth it to
pick up one of my fucking favorite Genesis games.
Gain Ground.
For those not in the know, Gain Ground was one of the most perfect strategy/action/slow-scrolling-shmup games
available at the time, and it's not lost it's glory even today. In the game, you were part of a
team that needed to kill some dude, somewhere...ok, the story sucked ass. The gameplay itself was quite thrilling, though. In each level, you had a group of fighters to use at your disposal. You brought out each fighter to get through a battlefield strewn of enemies, obstacles, and your fallen brethren. Each individual had a different weapon (the three you start out with, Athra, Betty, and Gascon, threw speart, shot a gun, and used a grenade, respectively).
Aww, lookit those cute little sprites!!!
Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, they all had goofy-ass names. From Honey, to Mars, to Mud Puppy, each one had some dumb moniker. Of course, I only just found out about this; I would always call my fighters Mega man bosses and G.I. Joe characters. So, anyway, in certain levels, you had to use a combination of characters, like Flame Man and Snowbound, to get around the level, killing enemies and playing Pokemon. As you killed off opposing forces, you picked up little figurines that acted as other fighters who had different weapons (such as shields and rockets). When put in the right order of release, you had a line of fighters who were near impossible to defeat.
That's Betty (you can tell my the picture) grenading the shit outa people
Every few levels, you had to fight a stationary boss that was a HUUUUUUGE pain in the ass. The little bastards shot out flames, had little henchmen, and God help you if you brought out a slow dude like Cyber. Fuck, just talking about this game's getting me pumped! Thankfully, I found out this bad boy's available as a VC download. I'd suggest this game, any time, anywhere. Also, this is one of the best 2-player games, if you like getting pissed off at your friends for loosing a character every damn level (not talking about anyone in particular).
P.S. Happy holidays, everyone!!!
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Previous Time Travels:
Crazy Taxi
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See, she likes Rock Paper Scissors, too!
Oh, Rock, Paper, Scissors. A great, classic children's game that's been brought into the limelight in recent years due to RPC championships held across the country and around the world. [adult swim] decided to get in on all that hot RPC action with their new game, and the subject of today's Hot Piece of Flash, Rock Paper Scissors: Extreme Deathmatch. As you can expect, this is the hardcore version of the game you grew to love.
With a little Super Smash Bros. thrown in the mix.
Get ready for some pain, office-supply style.
I knew this game was gravy when, on the "Warning" screen, you could press "Yes, I've been warned" or "No, I prefer Lolcats". Awesome. In the game, you choose (surprisingly) to be either Rock, Paper, or Scissor, each with a different move-set and special ability. Also, between rounds, you unlock various weapons, such as chainsaws, cigarette bits, and cinder blocks, that can be whipped at your opponents. The battles themselves play out, much like previously stated, as SSB-like bouts, with the 3 adversaries leaping about, causing all kinds of mayhem to the destructible environments, and each other.
That's me, as Paper, kicking the shit out of my foes.
I chose to play as Paper, after hours of exhaustive research and decision making. Paper comes with the ability to teleport (Mobius Strip), heal himself (Recycle), and duplicate (Office 2000). The duplication came after I charged up the Special meter, and each character has 3 different special moves. One of Rock's moves, for instance, is a giant stone fist that comes crashing down on opponents, while Scissor can grow 10 times his own size and snip away at his opponents. Every few stages has a breather level, where you beat the crap out of an object, like roller blades or a computer, to get extra points (hearkening back to the car destruction of Street Fighter). There's also your requisite block, dive, and taunt abilities, as well as pick-ups that recharge your health, special meter, or both. All in all, a nice little goofy fighter that can whittle away a boring hour or two at the office.
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Previous Hot Pieces:
Amateur Surgeron
Grid16
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This is Level-Headded, where I look at the best levels/temples/boards/areas in gaming. Games are all about setting, and it's gonna be my job to show you the best games to utilize setting. The first level I'd like to talk about is one that I talked about in this forum topic, the Temple of Ice from The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass.
Aww...isn't he precious?
Now for those of you that have played the game, you might be wondering why I'm not talking about the grand-daddy temple in the game, the Temple of The Sea King. With it's many levels, constant changes, and interesting puzzles, it is one of the most impressive temples in any Zelda game.
But, it just gets fucking boring.
The constant repetition of levels gets to me every time, and, rather than continue the game, I'll just go out on sea and try and finish my list of boat pieces. Now the Temple of Ice, that's a whole different story. This level becomes the most important (and fun) in the game for one BIG GODDAMN reason: you get the grappling hook here.
the only thing in life that matters.
Let's be honest: ever since you picked up the hookshot for the first time in A Link to The Past, you've been waiting to get a piece of that hook-attached-to-a-chain-or-rope glory in every game. Well, in PH, the Temple of Ice holds this amazing device. PH had the distinction of giving the hookshot (here called a grappling hook) new abilities, such as using it to make a tightrope when strung between 2 posts.
Yeah, it IS that fucking awesome.
Aside from that, the grappling hook opens up a shit-ton more game for you, as a bunch of the secret areas in the game are only reachable with the weapon. But, that's beside the point. As you move through the dungeon, fighting of spiders with removable faces and bunnies you have to literally scream at to kill, you eventually come upon the most inventive boss battle in the game, Gleeok, the 2-Headed Dragon.
2 heads filled with tear-your-hair-out difficulty.
I don't want to give away a lot with this battle, because it's just to damn awesome. All I can say is this: using your grappling hook in new, inventive ways (slingshotting his atacks back at him!?!?! dragging his face into a platform by grappling his tongue?!?!?), this is just the perfect cap on the perfect level. If you haven't played this game, go do so now, if only to play what I believe to be one of the best Zelda dungeons ever.
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I mean, come on.
Awesome.
Anyway, now that that nonsense is out of the way, anybody catch the new little sidebar button on the front page? The one that links to something called Destructoid Radio?
No?
Well, please, go do it now.
I'd like to applaud the guys and gals who set this bad-boy up, because it's awesome. Not only do you get a list of some wonderful video game music from little known soundtracks like Skies of Arcadia and Shadowgate, but you also get some of the amazing mixes produced through the website OC Remix. I've been listening to this ever since I saw the button this afternoon, and it's just fantastic. Working on a term paper is so much better when, right in the middle of a sentence, the Jet Force Gemini theme pops on, giving me enough strength to get through that awful fucking assignment.
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Vintage games, no matter how you slice them, are the proverbial shit. Nothing comes to
playing the old classics; the unfortunate music and voice chioces, the graphics that will
make your eyes bleed, and the controls and mechanics that make you want to throw your
entire NES into your nearest family member's face in frustration. But, that's the beauty of
them. So, as many other people have done before me, I'll be looking at these gorgeous
pieces of gaming history, and the impact they had on gaming today, in my new segment,
Gaming at 88 M.P.H.
(If you don't get the reference, get the hell out of here.)
Today's game is the wonderfully dangerous, high-speed cab simulator Crazy Taxi
(Dreamcast), which came out in arcades in 1999 and the consoles in 2000. The game
revolves around you, a simple cabbie (picked out of a possible 4 candidates), tasked to go
around a fake city and pick people up to drive them to their destinations.
Oh, and you're a bit of a fucking lunatic, too.
I think someone should've been fired in this situation.
Lunacy is the only way to explain why cabbies would perform like this. You have all kinds
of routs you can take to get passengers to their destination, including driving through and
over buildings, if the need arises. But, that's where the game gets it's name; the craziness
that ensues once a fare is picked up.
As you drive along your selected route, you have a time limit, other cars on the road, and
different obstacles that get in your way, and also earn you more money. Get your
passenger to their destination in record time? More money. Jump over a fucking river just
to get someone to KFC? More money. Narrowly avoid the grim grip of death by sideswiping
a semi? More money.
It's magnificent.
The fast-paced nature of this amazing game is great in 10-minute bursts, or 2-hour
marathons with friends. Even better are the Portal-like puzzles offered in "Crazy Box"
mode. The puzzles, ranging from dropping off 4 fares within a minute, or causing a chain
reaction with your car as the starting point, offer a little extra challenge for those bored
with defying latural law in the main mode of the game. Sure, this game is just plain fun,
and it spawned 3 sequels (and an amazing PSP port). But, it also should be credited as the
game that helped The Simpsons come out of video game mediocrity.
Finally, something not full of suck.
Of course I'm talking about The Simpson: Road Rage, the first Simpson's game I can
remember that was actually playable, and fun. Being almost an exact copy of Crazy Taxi
(with a new coat of paint), Road Rage led to the creation of one of the best Simpsons
games ever, Hit and Run, and the eventuall king of the Simpson's gaming throne, The
Simpsons Movie: The Game.
So, if you happen to have an old copy of this game lying around (or a few bucks to burn
on the great PSP port), be sure to spend some time with this classic gaming gem. It'll be
sure to *sigh* get your motor running.
/lameness.
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