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nukka jdav avatar 10:51 PM on 01.18.2009  (server time)
Kirby: Fake Chinese Dracula Spelling Errors Edition

Note: Yeah, all I have is a webcam, so close up pics look like shit. To make up for this you get to see me make funny faces. Hooray!

I went to China about four years ago. I really wanted to get a game of some kind so while I was in a shady ass market I looked vigorously for any scrap of digital entertainment possible. Of course I chose the dirtiest, cheapest joint I could. I was a poor fool...even in China. The place was in Xi'an, around some place called the Tea Gardens or some shit. I guess Bill Clinton went there so every fucking native went out of their way to remind me, the blatant American, that he was my president at one point in time. It was a small street side store surrounded by countless other merchants and shops peddling cheap Majhong boards and giant posters of Yao Ming.

The shopkeeper was toothless, female (she had tits for those who don't use that term), and caked in sweat and dust. In front her and slightly to her left were rows of Gameboy Advance games. All very cheap and laden with oversaturated boxart, I knew I must have one. I ended up choosing Kirby and The Amazing Mirror. I had always hated Kirby games, but felt obliged to buy one now for some retardedly retarded reason. I can't remember exactly how much it cost, but it wasn't much. All I had were large bills, so I pulled one out with my grubby, rich American fingers and gave it to the shopkeep. I got my change and the game as one expects from such a transaction. Life was great.

Yeah, until I tried playing it.

Ker-Bling! Nintendo screen hooray!



Yeah that's all the game did. It went to the Nintendo screen and froze. Totally worth it, right?


Infuriated, I actually read the fucking box. Oh my god it was great. The description on the back says the following, word for word.

"Count Dracula has been resurrected and evil will reign supereme unless he is stpooed. As Nathan Graves, you'll hunt down the Count and use your whip and a variety tof special items to destroy his minions. Battle your way through Dracula's castle and rid the world of evil once and for all!"

To me, this box is a work of art (and I apologize for shitty pics, all I have is a webcam). To have a Kirby game described in such a way has brought heaps of joy into my life. I think irony is a joy in general. Anyway, not only is the description fucked, but there are numerous spelling errors through out.

"Licensedn by Nintendo"

"81% Post Conisumer Content"

"Please recygle where facilities esist, check to see if recvcling exist in your area."

Now I know that these are simple translation errors, or even just typos, but god damn they make me smile. Probably because I want to pretend my purchase was justified. Speaking of justice, as I was shopping later on I noticed a legitimate copy of the game. I thought it would be somewhat neat to have both a working and fake copy so I bought it as well. Turns out the bitch who sold me the dupe copy game me counterfeit money as change too. After the clerk explained to me how she knew it was fake I coughed up some real dough and finished the transaction.

I've never been so cheated in my life, but I've also never felt better about it.

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