Humanity is responsible for a few terrible and horrendous things visible in the course of history- the Holocaust, Attila the Hun, France, all of the World Wars, the Internet, Oprah, and something that dwarfs them all in comparison- the retarded numerical system for reviewing games.

I will tread lightly because I know that official Destructoid reviews still use them, although I believe they do out of habit.

I love comparisons and juxtapositions, so let’s compare game reviewing to car reviewing. Almost none of the car review sites (or the ones that matter) use the numerical system for reviewing cars because you simply can’t. It’s impossible to quantify a whole car in a single digit because the car itself cannot be quantified. It’s a ballet of engineering and design- much like gaming. Each variable and shape complimenting each other to form something that is as beautiful as it is useful. You could give the new 2008 BMW M3 a 9.0 because it performs extremely well and looks good, but what about the fact that the gearbox is simply atrocious? What about the looks- the reviewer may like the curves, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder; most people don’t like the aesthetics of BMWs at all. And the gearbox? Although the reviewer may not like it, some people like their cars to punch them in the genitalia when they switch gears, because it feels sporty. Autoweek’s reviewer might think the new BMW M3 is great, but I bet the queen of England would hate the way it pummels her labia when she switches into second.


A judge can give an Olympic diver a numerical score because they’re a judge.
Tell me then- are gaming journalists judges, or reviewers?


Games are items of interactivity, balance, and art. Can we start treating them as such? Because every person’s experience with a game will be completely different from someone else’s, literally and figuratively; we need to account for that and start taking a look at our point of view when reviewing a game. Instead of trying to decide how good the sound or graphics were, and what the replayability value was; think about what struck you as good or bad. Was the game worth your $60? What made it worth it? What made it not even worth the two dollars in tax you paid for it? What would bring you back to play the game again?

When we journalists can start asking ourselves these questions, as opposed to fighting with our better halves on how to determine numerical values for each portion of the game; we’ll find ourselves much more receptive to what the reader wants, instead of the editor. Due to the unique and shitty way the gaming industry works, a lot of the time game developers will get the shit end of the stick due to a single number. Because some high school dropout at IGN gives a review of 6.0 instead of the “This is a niche game.” it deserved- a team who spent a lot of time and money making a great game will not get the funding they wanted to make their sequel.

Although sites like Destructoid don’t focus on the number system, but instead, write their reviews and then tack on a number just for good measure; it still irks me when I see the numbers pop up at the end of articles. I see it like this- when you go to a museum, and your friend asks you how it was, do you say to them “9.0”? No, you tell them to drop what they’re doing and go to the fucking thing. When someone asks you how SAW 16½ was, you don’t tell them “1.0”, you tell them to avoid it like a case of syphilis. The same goes for EA’s Skate- instead of a “7.5”, you tell them to go rent and enjoy it.
People want to know what to expect, and whether they should rent it, buy it, or don’t buy it. So let’s start focusing on that, and drop the numerical system we use for putting a set value on a video game.



Hi Guys, Ryan Clements of IGN.com here. When I heard Nopk was reviewing the reviewers, I thought I would step in and Review the Review of the Reviewers.

First of all, Nopk is a complete idiot when it comes to grammar. What the hell does he think –‘s are for? He uses them as often as I cash checks from Nintendo. Zing! I kid I kid, Nintendo doesn’t write checks. They send me cash money. Yowza!!!

Anyways, back to the review. So this article is totally an insight about why my way of reviewing games based on numbers is a bad idea, which frankly, itself is a bad idea because numbers rock. Think about it, if it wasn’t for numbers and maths, we wouldn’t have the space shuttle, Hulk Hogan, or the little plastic packages we put GoGurt in- which by the way, are super awesome. By that logic, don’t you all think we should review awesome games with awesome numbers, and bad games with bad numbers? Here! I’ll do it right now.

This article gets a 1.0. It sucks and it took too long to read. Actually, are there numbers smaller than one? If only I had finished high school.