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nekobun avatar 5:19 AM on 02.11.2010  (server time)
Is Jim Sterling servicing the video games industry?

Despite his unilateral panning (7.5 or lower scores, which, as any Game Informer reader knows, means "Absolute Shite") and frequent criticism of every highly anticipated or thoroughly hyped-up game, companies still send games to Jim Sterling and all of his Destructoid reviewer minions. Meanwhile, smaller games, that no one has heard or cares about, and will never play intentionally, get sparkling reviews, despite many of their publishers essentially being transients in the street that could never provide much of a hookup, or are merely sending their games out to die.

One would think the consistently bad press would have dissuaded at least some companies out there from giving him anything. Clearly, the man is up to something, and I think it's obvious what that something is.

Jim Sterling must love giving head to industry reps, and by now, he is probably great at it.

For starters, just look at the man. He's enormous. You don't get that huge without consuming mass amounts of food, which would imply that his mouth is very adept at taking things in, and there's plenty of room therein for whatever's being swallowed. Additionally, a lack of gag reflex would aid nicely in the consumption of foodstuffs, as well as other "activities."

Secondly, given that Jim is that fat, it's a known fact that fatties are that much kinkier and know all the tricks, because they have to try that much harder. One can only imagine the things Jim can do with his tongue, never mind what may happen should he bring his teeth into the equation.

And third, his hands are likely also very adroit; when you type up as much "content" as Jim does in the average day, your digits must get quite the workout. Assumptions can't really be made in regards to his grip, but those little sausages of his are probably very, very nimble by now. How ironic that a Briton should very likely be giving out "Yanks."

It's obvious that Jim Sterling hates all things good and light in the world, and this hatred is only further fueled by his insatiable lust for cock. I'd say that he should move to the porn industry if he wants to eat dick all the time and still be surrounded by mediocre reviews. He could probably pass as a Bear well enough, and those guys even have their own flag.

In all seriousness, though, why are you people dredging the Heavy Rain marketing criticism up again? He's got a review of the game up, so you might as well whine like babies about that, even though you're not going to read anything besides the score at the end.

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