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nekobun avatar 11:20 PM on 03.22.2010  (server time)
Congress Passes Sweeping Elfcare Reform Bill

After months of contention and intense campaigning from both sides of the aisle, both the House and Senate have ratified president Obama's revolutionary elfcare legislation. While seen as a key, if not career-saving, victory for the president and his supporters, reactions to the events on Capitol Hill have been mixed, to say the least.

"It's nice to see someone finally looking out for us," said the Prince of the Castle Of Elf. "It may have been too late for poor Erdrick, but it should do a lot of good now that the Light Warriors are no longer in business. Sickness isn't uncommon here, what with all the swampland nearby."

Elder Sahasrala, of Kakariko village in Hyrule, was a bit less pleased. "Frankly, I think it's condescending, if not downright racist," he stated. "It's some blanket nonsense for anyone with pointy ears, without any thought being put into what groups could use help most. I mean, look at us Hylians," continued the elder, gesturing toward some passing townsfolk, "Every few years, we've got some hell-raising pig-man coming through, razing things and maiming and killing whomever he pleases. You'd think we could get some kind of break, but no. We're just as covered as, say, the Newmans, over in Ragol."

"What do they even need coverage for?" Sahasrala emphatically shouted, waving his arms briefly in protest. "Damn newmies already had special exceptions to stem cell research, even during the ban, and they're already splicing human genes with bio-monsters. Monsters! It's crazy to think they're getting the exact same shake we are on this. At least we're getting something, I guess."

An employee of an existing, commercial elfcare firm, who preferred to remain anonymous, mentioned that if nothing else, she hoped the bill would force companies like her to straighten out their accounting issues in order to remain competitive and in compliance with government regulations. "It's a nightmare anymore. You've got some people paying in meseta, others in rupees, and still others in four or five different forms of gold. There are clients who ship us a full treasure chest every month as their premium. A treasure chest! Payments really need to go entirely electronic if possible, because this is just getting out of hand."

One last viewpoint comes from Questor, who purports to be a professional archer and dungeon spelunker. "I'm really glad they snuck in some of the supplementary items that people were getting upset about, like damage-resistant comestible research. Do you know how many deaths, elven or otherwise, occur every year due to food being shot? It's not just we the elvish who'll benefit from this, but also wizards, barbarians... everyone!"

As you can see, despite the very vocal reservations of some parties, the general outlook regarding this legislation seems to be optimistic. Whether it's out of genuine faith in our lawmakers or relief at the possibility they may finally move on to other, and in some voters' eyes, more important projects, remains to be seen.

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