I like video games, I like writing, so c-bloggin' at Destructoid seems like the recreational thing to do. I'm in sciences, so writing is almost NEVER on the menu. Even if writing were on the menu, it would likely not be about video games, so it would suck. This is better.
If I've written anything so far, I hope you enjoyed it. If you are reading this before I've had a chance to write, hang in there.
Ladies and gentlemen, you will love what we have for you today.
You've seen motion control with Nintendo's Wii.
You saw it taken to the next level by Playstation's "Move".
You've seen controller-free gaming with Microsoft's "Project Natal".
Ladies and gentlemen, we here at Steam have designed the future of how you will control your video games; it is called "Operation Voleur".
This new peripheral for our upcoming console will go beyond motion control, beyond controller-free gaming, beyond anything you've ever seen. It will be a real life person.
As the name suggests, the person will actually come to your house and steal your controllers. The Wii has 1-4 controllers, as does the PS3; Natal has zero controllers. Operation Voleur will actually manage to make you end up with a negative number of controllers. If you had 4 controllers, for example, Operation Voleur will make sure that you have none.
Playstation's "Move" is evolutionary. Operation Voleur will be revolutionary.
Move past the age of controller-free gaming; move into negative-controller gaming. All you have to do is order a Voleur unit, and sit on your couch. The Steam Operative will thoroughly tear apart your residence in search of any manner of controller. Playstation controllers, GameCube controllers, Xbox 360 controllers, Wii controllers, your TV remotes, and even your microwave oven will all be removed from your home, and you will get to sit down on the couch and play games the way that they were always meant to be played.
We know that you know that Steam is the shit. We rock so much ass. And now we're bringing controller philosophies to the industry that make Peter Molyneux look less innovative than something something [insert HALO clone here].
Make the right choice. Negative-controller gaming: you heard it from us first.
This is going to be a short post, because my main argument for why you shouldn't get all serious and angry about stuff on the internet (especially on a VIDEO GAME WEBSITE) is "dude, chill out. Seriously. Whatever it is, it is not as big of a deal as you're making it. Also, understand what an opinion is."
Right, what was that first point? Oh yeah, chill the fuck out. Here, have a look at this:
Get it? It's like "we have a problem", but they replaced "we" with "Wii", as in the video game console which is pronounced exactly like "we". It's funny!
That is the kind of stupid, funny shit the average internet user is into. Hilarious shit is great. It's why I come to the internet half the time.
If I wrote on the internet professionally, maybe my opinion would be different... OR WOULD IT!? Have you read Destructoid recently? Seriousness is a thing that sometimes is maybe sprinkled over a few of the articles. And that is part of what makes it great. If I wanted to read boring-ass focused-on-objectivity stuff, I would not have Destructoid and GiantBomb accounts.
Seeing people's differing opinions is cool, I guess. If I was more pretentious, I might even call it "interesting", but that's just another way of saying "cool" as far I'm concerned, Podtoid. If you have loved and hated all the same games Jim Sterling loves and hates, then you should buy games based on his reviews. If your opinions differ, maybe you shouldn't read his reviews. For example, I haven't agreed with a Jim Sterling review since I first discovered Destructoid. I don't get angry, though.
Why would I? Because Jim Sterling and I aren't the same person? Fuck naw! The dude thinks differently than I do. Simple as that. I respect his opinion, and I also respect his funny-ass writing a lot of the time. If you step back and take it as an opinion, rather than taking it as a personal attack on your game preferences, you might catch some of the humour as well.
I'm using Jim Sterling as an example a lot of us here at Destructoid can relate to. I'm not defending or verbally assaulting him. As I said before, we differ on pretty much everything - other than how funny it is when people take things on the internet too seriously - but I still like his work because he's him, and he does his thing, and it's usually funny.
So lighten up, y'all! Nobody wants to anger you. Nobody is condemning your method of thinking or your opinions. They're just putting what they think out there, and the reason they're getting paid for it is because they can write better than you and me. Oh, and also because they spend almost all their time playing video games for professional purposes.
I don't play nearly enough video games to be able to talk about them professionally. Shit, I loved Assassin's Creed. And the second one. The second one wasn't as disliked as the first one (outside Destructoid, that is) though. The first one was. Nobody liked that. I did. YOU CAN JUMP OFF A FUCKING MILLION-METER-TALL TOWER INTO A 1-METER-DEEP HAYSTACK WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE?!
I am not that guy. I am not even close. Since I don't sit around and play games all day, I don't really have the chance to get exceedingly good at anything. I'm not bad, really, since I've been gaming for most of my life and can get used to a control scheme and different types of gameplay pretty quick. But I'm not amazing at any one thing. You know, real-life stuff to do that's more important, games take a backseat, that whole business. But I enjoy gaming, people who write about gaming, and even a few of the people who play games (take a bow, Destructoid community. GiantBomb, too.).
This little c-blog post is basically to ask all you pro-ass gamers out there if it really enhances the experience; would I have a much bigger boner for HALO if I could snipe dudes in the face with my eyes closed, or does it end up becoming a chore if I go that far? Which types of games are better when you're good at them? Is being good at a game on "Normal" or "Hard" the same thing as being average at a game but kicking ass on "Easy"? I mean, I usually burn through a game on "Easy" my first time around, and if I think it's worth my precious time to get better and such, I'll go through on "Normal" or "Hard" to see what's up. For example, whenever I get around to Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2, I fully intend to play a couple characters on different difficulties.
*um.. maybe Mass Effect 2 Spoilers? Not really, though. If you're incredibly sensitive, maybe.*
Actually, the little bit of Mass Effect 2 I did play, I played on "Normal", and died probably more than I should have. I think it's because the enemies go down so quick that I tend to just run in and hammer on every "THIS BUTTON DOES DAMAGE" button until the bad guys fell down. This worked most of the time. When things got rough, I died, because I was used to steppin' up in that piece and ripping dudes up with my hot lady Shepard. I learned my lesson on the collector ship, where I kept dying because I kept popping my stupid head out of cover when 6 giant missiles were coming at me.
How I got past that part was hang out behind cover, shoot my fully-upgraded "Warp" at dudes while they were reloading, wait for my ability to recharge, and repeat. I occasionally switched it up with "Push", because it's funny to watch, and I used my collector beam thingy on the ones that got possessed. This lesson was promptly forgotten as the next mission I went on was not a story mission, and as such just had a bunch of droids whose punk asses I happily fucked the fuck UP, son! Man, I love curving biotic powers around cover. I need to buy that game immediately; the 7-day rental was quite obviously not enough time (I was studying for midterms in between).
*The "not-really-but-maybe spoilers" end here*
Where was I? Right, being average at games. So tell me, good people who read c-blogs, do any of you think that being totally kickass at a game makes it better? I don't count bragging rights or feeling good about yourself for beating people online "better", by the way. I'm talking about the experience itself, in terms of good old fashioned make-you-smile or make-you-throw-up-the-horns-'cause-it's-so-badass FUN.
Man, that turned out longer than I expected... Anybody? ANYBODY? Fine.
Disclaimer: I AM NOT RACIST. LIKE NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. AND I ALSO HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH MY GAY FRIENDS, BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY APPLY HERE (all caps were necessary).
Not to be a dick or anything, but if Africa was more or less totally OK at the end of 2012... dude, I'm not fuckin' landing there.
In the movie they were like "Cool! It never flooded! Let's roll, bitches!". Little do they know, the Africans are going to be waving their middle fingers at them from the shoreline. "Who needs humanitarian aid now, huh? You didn't listen when Bono had commercials about sponsoring kids, and now we can't see your big shiny metal boats because of the glare of our fresh water and newly forming ice from the increased elevation! What's that? You're hungry? HAHAHA! Get the fuck away from our continent!"
I mean, Africa was pretty fucked up BEFORE 2012, imagine now, after all the wispy clouds of corrupt government have fallen into cracks in the Earth's crust, how totally *bananas* that place would be; solar flares don't do shit to AK-47's and RPGs.
Just saying, odds are the good people of Africa wouldn't exactly welcome a bunch of multi-billionaires in big fancy metal boats with open arms. Even if they did, Africa ain't exactly the best place to dump a bunch of apocalypse survivors, because the apocalypse has been going on in Africa since like... right after the Egyptian Empire... donate now, I guess?
Well, the fact remains that if the magnetic poles went down, even for a couple hours, all the cosmic and solar radiation and highly energetic charged particles we were shielded from before would fry some of our DNA as well as our electronics well before the guy who played the emotionless assassin in Serenity could give an inspiring speech about compassion to all the other Arks.
Right, the next one will be about video games. Promise.
Oh, and here's something cool I whipped up a while ago:
I made up munnyman5 when I was in grade 5 or something. Why would I change it? I'll never remember anything else.
Contrary to what has probably now become popular belief, that is not my gamertag/username because I have lots of money. It is because when I was in grade 5 or whatever, I always wondered about having a twin brother named "Munnykarn" (indian name; dot indian, not feather indian), because that's what my parents almost named me. Fortunately they didn't because my current name kicks more ass, but that's a fact for another time.
I think video games really started being my thing about 2 years ago. I was into video games as a kid, but there were about 2 years in between that and 2 years ago where I was completely game-less. I finally was spurred into my current level of geek/nerd/gamer-ness when I went to one day of PAX '09, mainly to see the GiantBomb panel. And dude; LINE. UPS. For EVERYTHING. But yeah, I stood in the GiantBomb panel lineup for about 7 lifetimes, right at the very front. The panel was fantastic.
The GiantBomb dudes and I strike a pose for a shitty iPhone picture
I didn't really know about the existence of Destructoid at that time. After I came back, my friend pointed out how much Destructoid is mentioned in the Giant Bombcast, and I thought it would be worth a visit.
To tell the truth, at first, I didn't know what to do at Destructoid. Forums usually aren't my thing. But then I came to the forums here, and realized that there are people out there who don't post on the internet to be jackasses. And they all live in the Destructoid forums. I was so happy to not see Anonymous Contributor being all hard because he was protected by the distance the internet puts between him and the person he's being a jerk to. Then I decided "Hey! I like to write, sort of, and I like video games! Why don't I do this fancy c-blog thing!" because why not? I don't get to write about video games, being a sciences student and all, so this is a great place to blow off that creative steam. So I end up doing stupid things like this:
Anthony's picture from Street Fighter, and Ashly's from The HAWP Before Christmas.
Yeah it's an old meme. So what? The fact stated above remains the absolute truth.
And some other stuff.
I'm a fan of HAWP, too. The last 2 episodes (Shadow Complex and Rock Band) made me laugh pretty hard, and that's always good.
Lastly what video games I like.
I rented Mass Effect 2 and played up to everyone's loyalty missions before returning it today. Dude, I need to buy that game. And I also need to play the first Mass Effect.
I like HALO. Yeah, I know. Shut up. HALO 3 kicked a lot of ass, as far as I'm concerned, and I played the multiplayer for a good long while. Right up until I bought Modern Warfare 2, in fact. I might even go back to it...
The game I played the most when I was young is "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project". Every time I was over at my NES-owner cousin's house, that is all we would play. It took like, 2 years worth of visits, but one day, we woke up, turned on the NES, and beat that motherfucker. SO MUCH AWESOME.
I also really like Banjo and Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. 'Nuff said. Play that shit, right now.
And that's my intro.
Here's my outro:
Oh, Jeff Gerstmann. Will you never not be totally fucking awesome?