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mrplow8 avatar 4:43 PM on 03.04.2010
NSMBW Review - How far are you willing to read to get where I'm going with this?

WARNING!!!: This blog contains Heavy Rain SPOILERS. If you don't want Heavy Rain ruined for you, DO NOT play Heavy Rain. Also, don't read this blog.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii is set in an alternate universe where the world has been taken over by British people with Down syndrome. The game follows four heroes; Mario, Luigi, Blue Toad, and Detective Scott Shelby, as they try to rescue Princess Peach from the evil Bowser.

Through out the game, player control switches between the four main characters. This gives the player the opportunity to see the game from each character's perspective, as you try to figure out where Bowser is. Each character has their own unique backstory. Mario is a plumber, Luigi is also a plumber, Blue Toad is a weird mushroom guy, and Scott Shelby is a serial killer who pretends to be a detective in order to find evidence of his previous crimes; as serial killers are known to do.

The game also gives the player the ability to read the thoughts of the characters at any given time. This allows you to really get to know the characters on a more personal level. For example, if you read Mario's thoughts you'll hear things like "It's a me, Mario!" Another example is that if you read Scott Shelby's thoughts you'll hear something like "I'm definitely NOT Bowser disguised as Scott Shelby."

At its heart, New Super Mario Bros. Wii is truly a love story. It's about how far you're willing to go for the Princess you love. Are you willing to poor a glass of orange juice? Would you be willing to scramble eggs? Or take a shower? The choices are entirely up to you, and every decision that you make will effect the game. For example, if you choose to have some orange juice, you may find yourself really needing to pee later on. Will there be a bathroom near by? Even if there is, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't end up peeing all over yourself, thanks to the quick time controls. Your heart will be pounding as you try to avoid pissing yourself, in which case you'll have to use the previously mentioned shower to clean yourself off.

One of the many groundbreaking things about New Super Mario Bros. Wii is that it features a very mature love scene between Luigi and Blue Toad. I really felt like a mature adult as I controlled Luigi as he violated Toad. As I masturbated to this scene, I realized that video games have come a very long way and are finally as legitimate as movies. What do you have to say about that, Roger Eabert? Probably nothing, since it's hard for people to talk without Jaws. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, Roger Eabert doesn't own the movie Jaws.

I was completely floored by the shocking twist at the end of this game. It turns out that Scott Shelby, the guy who we thought was a serial killer pretending to be a detective, was actually Bowser pretending to be a serial killer pretending to be a detective. This was especially surprising since reading Shelby's thoughts earlier in the game had indicated that he was NOT Bowser. Clearly Scott Shelby(a.k.a. Bowser) is such an evil genius that he was constantly thinking those things in case of the highly unlikely event that someone were to read his mind.

It turns out that Bowser had seen Mario risk his life to save the Princess in almost every other Mario game ever made, and he needed to find out if Mario would be the type of person who would risk his life to save her again in this game.

This game is absolutely brilliant. There are no plotholes or lose ends at all. What may seem like plotholes or lose ends are actually just the writers' way of allowing players to use their own imagination to make the game make sense. If this game were a movie it would without a doubt win an Oscar, if it were a song it would without a doubt win a Grammy, and if it were a football team it would without a doubt win the Superbowl. It's just that good.

In fact, the only flaw that I was able to find in New Super Mario Bros. Wii was that I'm an Xbox 360 fanboy who hates the PS3. I know New Super Mario Bros. Wii isn't even on PS3, but I just hate the PS3 so much that I still see it as a flaw somehow. Because of this, I'm giving New Super Mario Bros. Wii a 7 out of 10, which is the worst possible score a game can get.

Score: 7 -- Terrible (7s are the worst games ever made. If any reviewer ever gives any game a 7, that means that they hate everything about it and everyone who likes the game should feel personally insulted.)

 
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