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My name is Joseph. I have a computer, I eat food, all my socks have holes in them, I almost never wear a cape, and I'm currently using that computer I told you about before.
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Cow dumps are not very comfortable to look at. Really, smelling them isn't either. I've always preferred to taste them. Just kidding. That's my idea of opening with humorous banter.

Anyway, the newest(mooest?) cow taking a dump video is out. We're finally out of the 3 part 'Cows Dumping in an Open Field' section and moving on to a new thing. Mostly, it's about the cow dumping inside a closed in area.

More than in previous videos, the cow seems to emphasize the point that it can crap on your toothbrush without crapping on everything you own, and so, therefore, it's inconceivable why you would have a problem with it crapping on your toothbrush. It seems like an attempt to nip any dumb counter arguments in the bud. Like at 0:22, where the cow explains that there's no reason why you can't brush your teeth with cow shit. In fact, cow shit is actually better for your teeth than toothpaste. The cow provides no evidence for this claim, but, as usual, if you point that out, it must be because you're an angry toothpaste lover who hates all cows. Of course, I doubt that'll cool any of the hot fingers(let's face it, you guys have very attractive fingers) just itching to yell about having cow shit on their toothbrushes. What babies.

To quote myself from my own subconscious thoughts, "Hey everyone, I'm a passive aggressive twat!"

Nintendo caused a bit of a storm during its new Smash Bros. character reveal.

The problem arose when Wii Fit Trainer, A WOMAN, said in her character introduction trailer, "Feel the burn!" This blew up on Twitter and other social networks, as people questioned whether or not they'd just heard a joke about venereal disease.

Among those to chime in on Twitter was Jonathan Blow, who Tweeted, "I haven't done anything relevant since 2008, and I desperately need attention."

For what it's worth, I doubt that this was intended to be a joke about venereal disease. If anything, the real offensive comment is the one at the end of the trailer. "Wii Fit Trainer WEIGHS IN"? Really? Just because she's a woman, we have to bring her weight into it?

In any case, jokes about venereal disease, made intentionally or not, are embarrassing and need to go away. Forever. And the only way to do that is to apply a special cream twice daily.

This originally started as a reply to someone else's blog, but it started getting pretty long. So I decided to just make it into my own blog.

Game companies don't have an agenda other than that they want to make money. They design their games based on what they think will sell. If you aren't seeing the types of games that you want with the types of characters that you want, it's due to the fact that game companies don't believe that those games will sell. They could be wrong, and I'm sure they are from time to time, but, in most cases, my guess would be that they're probably right.

I personally don't feel that there is a gender problem in video games. I don't believe that anyone has made a convincing case for that. The people who assert that there is one seem to be under the impression that most female gamers want games that are more or less the same as the games that most male gamers want, only with a female lead character who dresses modestly and doesn't look like a super model. The problem is that there's no evidence that that's what most female gamers want. If there were, that game would already exist.

I think that a lot of us so-called "hardcore" gamers tend to forget that there actually are video games that aren't in the action-adventure genre and don't involve shooting things. A lot of female gamers simply don't care how Lara Croft is dressed, or whether or not the female lead in Remember Me gets to have a husband, because a lot of them are too busy playing things like Angry Birds or Bejeweled. Those are video games too, and, when people cite those statistics that nearly half of all gamers are women, they conveniently leave out that a lot of those women are playing FarmVille; not BioShock.

As for the female gamers who do like playing action-adventure games, why assume that all of them have a problem with those games in their current forms? It's really easy to look at a character like Bayonetta or Juliet from Lollipop Chainsaw and conclude that those characters appeal exclusively to straight men, and that women must either not like them at all, or would at least like them more if they'd put some clothes on.

But look at Britney Spears. Britney Spears looks and dresses like she's something straight out of some 14 year old boy's wet dream. Yet, if you look at her fan base, most of her fans are women and gay men. So there's obviously something about the image of an attractive woman who dresses provocatively that is capable of appealing to more than just straight men. This, by the way, is the point that I'm most interested in hearing feminists, or just anyone who thinks sexism is a problem in games, address. How do you rationalize claiming that the idea of a sexy woman in skimpy outfits only appeals to straight men when that claim is demonstrably untrue, as we have multiple examples, most notably in music, of that image appealing to women and gay men?

It's also not really fair to make the assumption that, just because someone is a female gamer, they would prefer to play as a female character. They may not care one way or the other. They could also prefer playing as a male character. There are plenty of male gamers who will tell you that they prefer playing as female characters. Why couldn't the opposite be true?

I can understand the frustration of the people who do want games with female protagonists who possess characteristics that are different from the ones commonly seen in female characters in games today. However, that's no different than the frustration you would feel if not a lot of stores carried your favorite kind of ice cream due to the fact that it wasn't a very popular flavor. It doesn't mean that there's a gender problem, or that what female gamers want is being ignored, or that game developers think women should be locked up in Josef Fritzl's basement(Don't bother looking up that reference if you don't get it. You'll be disturbed for days).

It just means that you happen to like something that isn't very popular, and therefore isn't in very high demand, and therefore isn't as likely to be produced. And that sucks, but it doesn't mean that anyone is doing anything wrong. It's just an unfortunate part of life. We all have things that we like that aren't very popular and aren't likely to ever be made. I, for one, would like a Batman game called "Barkham Asylum", where the entire game takes place in a dog pound for the criminally insane, and all of the Batman characters are replaced with anthropomorphic dogs. Even Catwoman would be a dog. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that game isn't in very high demand, and, even if they did make it, all the dogs would probably be dressed like skanks. So I know how you feel. However, that doesn't change the fact that there is no sexism problem in gaming.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing how wrong I am in the comments.

In light of the whole controversy surrounding the "Bros Before Hos" trophy in the recently released God of War: Ascension, I thought that I would share my thoughts on the whole situation.

First of all, let me start by saying that I think both sides are partially correct, even though the only time you'll ever hear me agreeing with one of the sides is when I'm conveniently trying to pass myself off as a person who can understand where both sides are coming from. You see, I'm taking the moderate position on this issue. This means that I'm being reasonable, because, as everybody knows, the moderate position on any given issue is inherently the most reasonable one, for reasons that no one has ever bothered to explain.

When I first became aware of the despicable, misogynistic trophy in question, I was absolutely appalled. As a man who is able to overly empathize with women, thus proving how not sexist I am, I'm being completely sincere when I say that seeing that trophy made me understand what it's like for women who struggle with breast cancer.

And, to those of you arguing that this trophy is not misogynistic(How nice of you to take time away from beating your wives in order to share your views with us, by the way), please don't be ridiculous. What else could a trophy called "Bros Before Hos" mean other than a statement by the game's creators that 100% of all women are literally prostitutes? Are you actually going to argue that words are sometimes used to mean things other than their original literal meaning? Don't be stupid. That never happens. That's why, whenever rappers say that they're pimpin', they're immediately arrested for confessing to committing a sex crime.

But, for the sake of argument, let's just go with the ridiculous premise that, by using the word "ho" in their trophy, Sony Santa Monica Studios weren't calling all women prostitutes. So what? They were still being insensitive to women. As the self appointed spokesperson for all women, I can say with absolute certainty that seeing the word "ho" in any context is offensive to every woman on the planet.

I'm glad that Sony Santa Monica Studios did the right thing and changed the trophy to "Bros Before Foes." That name is actually better, and so that's all that should matter. There's no reason for either side to be bothered by this change since this in no way creates a precedent for developers to be bullied into changing the content of their games every time someone is offended, nor is there any chance that a developer may ever be pressured into compromising their game in a way that takes away from its overall quality for the sake of not offending someone. So there's nothing to worry about.

The real issue here has to do with the gaming community. I think it's sad that the issue of sexism in games can't be talked about without the gaming community shouting down anyone who tries to start a dialogue about the possibility of sexism existing in games. Just look at Anita Sarkeesian, for example. All she did was try to create a dialogue with her video that had comments and ratings disabled, and she's immediately shouted down by the fact that some people have the nerve to not agree with her. Many of them have even been rude and insulting, which is the same as shouting her down, since, as we all know, receiving rude and insulting comments prevents you from being able to express your views and opinions. That's why no one has ever been able to use the Internet to express any point of view or opinion whatsoever.

In order for us to have a true dialogue on the issue of sexism in gaming, we all have to be willing to come together and allow one side to completely dictate what the dialogue should be. We have to stop debating whether or not sexism in games is a problem, and instead focus on debating whether it's a major problem or a really major problem. Also, we have to stop with the personal attacks on the character of anyone we disagree with, you sexist, misogynistic, pigs.

I've never been a big Tomb Raider fan. In fact, I don't think that I've played Tomb Raider since the PS1 games, and, even then, it was never for more than a few minutes. So it should come as no surprise that I haven't really been keeping up with all of the latest news about the upcoming Tomb Raider game. I watched the original trailer that was released for it, and thought that it was interesting that they seemed to be taking the series in a new direction, but I haven't been keeping up with it much since.

That is, of course, until this year's big E3 reveal, where they announced that the game was going to be sexist. Not being a fan of the game, I didn't actually realize that that's what they were announcing. All I saw was a new trailer for the game. It wasn't until several days later that a bunch of angry people on the Internet explained to me that the trailer was about how the game was sexist now, and they were even nice enough to explain it to me without my asking or wanting them to do.

This actually sparked my interest in the game. Could the game that so many people grew up masturbating to really be sexist now? And, if so, how? Is Lara now only getting paid a fraction of what Nathan Drake makes for starring in a similar game? Is there a controversial scene in the game where Lara gets a stupid Barbie toy with her McDonald's Happy Meal, while her brother gets a much cooler Hot Wheels toy? Is no one forced to pay for Lara's birth control?

It turns out that it's something much worse than all of those. They've made Lara Croft weak. The once strong, positive female role model who millions of girls weren't allowed to leave the house looking like has now been reduced to some dainty damsel in distress who can't even properly aim a bow and arrow without apologizing to the innocent creature she's about to brutally murder with it. At one point, Lara even declares how she hates tombs, presumably because tombs have no mirrors for her to powder her nose in.

Of course, not everyone is offended by this new, blatantly sexist take on Lara Croft, and that's okay. Everybody is right and wrong in this situation. It's all a matter of perspective. The people who aren't offended are simply looking at it from the perspective of people who hate women. And that's fine. Like I said, no one is right or wrong here. Or did I say that everyone is right and wrong? I don't remember. All I know is that either everyone or no one is right and wrong.

Still, it's not unreasonable to ask that those who don't think that women should be treated as equals understand where the other side is coming from. Try putting yourself in their shoes. The ones that you won't allow them to wear because you think that all women should be barefoot and pregnant while standing in the kitchen. It won't kill you to look at somebody else's point of view. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with them, or that you have to renounce your belief that Rihanna was asking for it.

If you'll take the time to examine the game from the perspective of those who are offended by it, I think that you'll find that their point of view, while seemingly retarded at first, second, and ninety-fifth glance, actually makes a lot of sense.

All of this Tomb Raider controversy starts making perfect sense once you realize that the people who are offended are total bad asses. Only then can you begin to process statements like, "I like to project myself onto the character, and you made her weak." Yes, because the average gamer is so much tougher than Lara Croft is portrayed as being in this game. That's why they aren't impressed by seeing a woman heroically fend off an attacker before wrestling his gun away from him and shooting him in the head. They do that all the time. Hell, they did it this morning, but you don't see them starring in a video game about it like some kind of drama queen.

They need a protagonist who they can relate to. Someone like Batman in Arkham City. Most gamers play Arkham City and think, "I can really relate to this game. This is exactly the way that I usually single handedly take down gangs of murderous thugs in real life." That is, of course, when they aren't too busy ripping an elephant man's brain out with their bear hands. And, yes, I did mean to say bear hands. That's because these gamers are so tough that their hands are actually much more bear-like than they are human. They're the demographic that Kinect appeals to, because their bear hands are too misshapen to hold a controller. So it's understandable why they'd be offended by a weak protagonist like Lara Croft, who has a difficult time even handling a simple task like overcoming overwhelming odds stacked against her. That's why it's not unreasonable for them to be mad over basically nothing, and to dismiss this game before even having given it a chance.

2:51 AM on 02.03.2012

Ever since Capcom's recent announcement that Mega Man and Pac-Man would be joining the already impressive roster of characters in Street Fighter X Tekken, Mega Man fans have been irate. You might think that they'd be happy, as the surprise inclusion of Mega Man in Street Fighter X Tekken would seemingly make up for his absence in both Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 and Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. But you'd be thinking wrong.

You see, while Capcom's inclusion of Mega Man may seem like a gesture of good will towards fans to those of us who aren't crazy, a few sharp tacks out there have managed to see the truth behind Capcom's actions. They've grown wise to the fact that this was not intended as a gift to Mega Man fans, but rather as a blatant attack on them.

For you see, the Mega Man that Capcom has chosen to include in Street Fighter X Tekken is not the particular version of the character that fans wanted, but is instead a different version of the same character. What the fuck, Capcom?! How can you do this to Mega Man fans after how loyal they've been to you? They've stood by you through your most difficult times. They were the ones there for you when you were getting those death threats for cancelling Mega Man Legends 3. Sure, they were the ones sending the death threats, but the point is that they were there.

Even if you're not a Mega Fan(as Mega Man fans are commonly referred to by me just now), surely you can relate to the Hell that they must be going through. We've all been through similar situations at some point or another. We all know what it's like to have a friend go out of their way to get us a Starbucks latte, only to find out that they got us caramel when they know we like chocolate! We all know what it's like to start up our copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the first time only to find that, to our horror, they used the Twilight Princess Link when we wanted Wind Waker! We all know what it's like to have to smash said copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl into pieces in a fit of rage, only to feel stupid later when we find out that Wind Waker Link actually was in the game as an unlockable character!

Well I for one am tired of being made to feel stupid! It's time we stood up to bullies like Capcom and let them know that we aren't going to take it anymore. It's time we threw that latte right back in Capcom's face, and told them that they'd better go back to Starbucks and get us chocolate Mega Man like we asked for! (I mean this figuratively, of course. Mega Man fans might hang themselves if they made Mega Man a black guy.)

Because, if we don't take a stand against this sort of thing now, then where does it all end? Mario Kart with blue Yoshi instead of green? Soul Calibur with skimpy outfits that are pushing it instead of skimpy outfits that are going too far? Glover with memorable parts instead of referrences that escape me at the moment?!!

We have to take a stand here and now. This is where we draw our line in the sand. It's time that we told Capcom that we aren't going to support Street Fighter X Tekken under any circumstances. Unless Blanka is in the game. In that case, you're on your own, Mega Man fans. Blanka is way better than Mega Man. He's like a combination of The Hulk and Donnie from the Wild Thornberrys. Plus he can make electricity. None of the other characters can do that. You don't count, guy from Infamous. I don't get why you're even in the game.