Swing from a bionic arm! Grumble about your ex-wife! Make Hitler’s head explod! (yes, “explod”) Bionic Commando Rearmed is awesome times one thousand!

First things first, if you haven’t played the original Bionic Commando from 1988 (also known as “Top Secret: Hitler‘s Revival” in Japan), you’re going to struggle with the controls. The game looks like Contra, but there’s no jump button. It’s a bit of a case of forgetting everything you know; after 20 years of being trained to jump over enemy fire that is no longer an option. You can only avoid enemy fire by ducking under it or deflecting it with your bionic arm. Mega Man this ain’t.

But stick with it young grasshopper and the rewards are plentiful. The bionic arm takes some getting used to, but once you get the hang of it you’ll be swinging around like a pro. Which isn’t to say the controls are entirely graceful. This isn’t Super Metroid after all. It can seem a bit silly when you can’t hop over a crate that only goes up to your waist, but this offbeat style of platforming isn’t without it’s charms. You have to be more patient and thoughtful in your approach (a bit like Ghouls n’ Ghosts where you couldn’t change the trajectory of your jump), but that’s not entirely a bad thing. It lends the game a less hectic sense of action that is no less difficult. Considering that Rearmed is a platformer without a jump button, the fact that it manages to be as fun as it is is quite the achievement.

Much of this goes out to the brilliant level design. Comprised of all the 80s classic settings you’d expect like the docks, a hi-tech fortress, and my favorite, a factory that apparently produces lava, Bionic Commando Rearmed has a wide range of environments. But the genius is in how they play. One particular level is comprised of conveyer belts and rolling barrels of death; an obvious nod to Donkey Kong, but having to deal with such familiar obstacles without jumping gives the game a very distinct identity.

The bosses in particular are extremely creative; all requiring you to use your signature bionic arm in a new, unique way. While the bosses do repeat in the second half of the game, they all come back with an extra attack, so you’d best be on your toes. Even better is that on harder difficulty settings they’ll have more attacks, so just when you think you’ve got a handle on things they’ll come up with new ways to surprise you.



I should probably say something about the game’s plot. At it’s core it’s a pretty basic save-the-world story, but look deeper and its amazingly offbeat and eccentric. Rather than have to save a damsel in distress or stop some egomaniacal villain from taking over the world (which does happen eventually), you’re tasked with saving some guy. But he’s not just any regular joe. Oh no. He’s Super Joe! Which is quite possibly my favorite name in a videogame ever. Along the way you’ll team up with hot helicopter pilot, Hailey, delve into the protagonists marital issues, and fight a bunch of villainous midgets. Yes midgets! Because midgets are evil apparently. Oh, and while the game never explicitly mentions it, the final boss is supposed to be Hitler.

While rushing through the game will only take a handful of hours, there’s plenty of replay value on display here. There’s plenty of secret weapons and items to find as well as a hard mode, and an unlockable very hard mode. On normal mode the enemies didn’t give me much trouble, and the difficulty came from the platforming. On hard the platforming stays the same, but the enemies are much harder and you can’t take much damage. And on very hard you’d best have a priest handy. Especially if you somehow manage to get to the final boss on that mode. My hats off to you if you can beat him.

If there’s one thing that Bionic Commando doesn’t do so well it’s the semi-random top-down encounters with enemies between levels. The level select screen has you in a helicopter flying from level to level on set paths. But if you run into an enemy truck you’ll be plunged into a top-down Commandoesque mini-level. These levels are generally extremely easy (accept on very hard with no rocket launcher, which is near impossible), and you can sometimes get extra lives in them, but they break up the pacing significantly. Especially when you’re just trying to roam around scouring the levels for secrets and hidden goodies. Apparently these were part of the original game, so I understand why Grin included them, but they could just as well have been completely abolished and I don’t think anyone would miss them.



Special mention should go out to Rearmed’s unique “challenge rooms.” A Metal Gear Solidesque virtual reality array of obstacle courses relying solely on platforming. And let me say the name “challenge rooms” does not lie. While they start off easy enough, some near the end comprise some of the hardest levels I’ve seen in any game ever. Some of these levels took me over 300 attempts to complete. I could beat 53 of the 56 rooms, never scoring more than 4 out of 5 stars on my rank. There’s also an additional set of secret challenge rooms hidden throughout the main campaign. So for the truly hardcore, there’s A LOT of extra content here.

Bionic Commando Rearmed is nearly perfect for what it is. While the top-down mini-missions begin to grate, the rest of the game is exactly what you’d want from an NES update. Beautiful 3D graphics, the addition of saving, a story that pokes fun at how nonsensical it is, and a wonderfully remixed version of the original score. Coupled with all the extra bonus features and goodies for the extremely low price of $10 and you have no reason not to get it. Unless for some reason, you like Hitler.

9/10

Pros:
+Original, unique take on the side-scrolling platformer.
+Wonderful graphics and sound
+Hilarious story that pokes fun at the genre
+You can make Hitler’s head explod

Cons:
-Top-down sequences grate after awhile