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I'm Old School. That's the cool way to say that I'm too poor to buy a modern console.

Can I still be considered a gamer if I only own a PC that's too slow to play modern games?


I'm still waiting for MECC to release a patch for Oregon Trail that allows for online gameplay.
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The other day, Kid Niki and I decided to check out the new club Contra. It was a 10-Yard Fight to get in the door, but we finally made it in. Almost immediately, this girl Zelda, covered in Metal Gear, was trying to get Yoshi's Cookie. My friend saw what was up so he slid me a Power Glove because he knows a guy who's stuck for the rest of his life with the Double Dribble. Now I'm no Don Flamingo, but I've dealt with plenty a Hello Kitty that wants to Bubble Bobble. She said she heard I'm hung like a Bionic Commando and she wanted to see my Mushroom Power-up. I wasn't feeling this Fire Flower. And even though she wanted to Bump N Run, I stick by the old French saying: "Yie Ar Kung Fu." I told her to give me her number and maybe we could Link up. She said she didn't like to play these kinds of California Games and stormed off. She can live without me; there's no way she goes Home Alone tonight. Next thing I know we're being confronted by 2 Bad Dudes. I'm a Mega Man, but I'm no Karate Kid, so we ran out the door right into Hogan's Alley. Niki exhibited his Track And Field skills and left me for dead. So I jumped into the back of a parked newspaper van full of goods surely to be picked up by tomorrow's Paperboy. I figured I'd stay there until those goons gave up their Duck Hunt and suddenly the van started up. "Uh oh, the truck have started to move!" I thought as the driver sped through the alley. For all I knew, this van could've taken me all the way to Castlevania. I'd seen plenty of those milk cartons with the pictures of kids on them proclaiming that Mario is Missing and I knew I'd be next. Finally, the van's gas tank hit FZero and he stopped to fill up. I climbed out of the back to find that I was on the wrong side of the tracks in Section Z. The sound of a Sky Shark made me look up and there it was, a ragged old billboard with the web address DESTRUCTOID.COM.

I knew I was home.