Nobody reads my blogs, so my solution was to come up with a title that was sure to catch your attention, it won't happen again sorry.

The real name of this blog should be "Best Games, Worst Ideas".

It's my incredibly sexy and clever list of games that should, and I hope to hell, never happen. Games that our beloved companies churned out as a sick joke to gaming altogether. By the way, this article could offend you from here on, I'm only warning you because I don't mean any hard feelings and don't want to offend any one.

First off: Nintendo

Cooking Mama: Let mamma feed you!
The crazy Italian woman is back, this time the game contains a lot less cooking and a lot more tacking and force feeding.

The Legend of Zelda: Speak and Spell
Learn to speak just like Link!

Super Mario Chess
Now with power ups! Check-a-mateeee!

Harvest Moon: Methamphetamine Lab
They're happy because they're dopey!

Nintendogz: "Life is harsh" edition
Now you can take your pet to the Veterinarian to put him down after contracting rabies!

It's all fun and games until he gets hit by a car

Pikmin: Jihad
Purge the land of infidels! Down with the west's decadent immoral filth!

Trauma Center: Colonoscopy
Save your patients lives, no prostate is too much to handle in this DS classic!

I'm sure this is how all the commercials for the game would look

Microsoft

Halo 3.1
Wait for thousands of years until Master Chief wakes from cryogenic sleep!

Gears of Minor Inconveniences
War is too popular a topic nowadays and Epic wants to get away from that. Now you can get stuck in traffic and spill your coffee on your tie! Those damned Locust!

Ninja Gay-den (bet you saw that coming)
Become romantically involved with 15 feet tall oni-monster-fiend-things!

Viva pinata: Revenge
Those children will finally get what they deserve! It's the pinata's turn to administer the wacking!

Call of Duty: Minor Confrontation
Now you can experience real life arguements like you were part of the event!

Sony

Shadow of your Pissed off Menstrual Girlfriend
The spiritual successor to Shadow of the Colossus. Apologize for things you never did and get things thrown at you!

I'm so bloated!

God of War: Educational
Now Kratos gets to teach you a thing or two about ancient Mythology!

Jack and Daxter: Bestiality
The Romance you never saw coming!

Grillzone
Post-apocalyptic cook out!

Final Fantasy MCMXCVII
Wouldn’t you just be sick of it by now?

Socom. U.S. Navy cleaning crew.
Swab the deck bitch!

Now get down and give me fifty!

Others

Sims 2 funeral:
Decorate your casket!

Sonic the Hedgehog: 3D
Not another one! (Yeah… I could’ve tried a bit harder…)

Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Air horn operations
See how hard it is to sneak about with air horns attached to the bottom of your shoes!

Resident Evil 6: Canada
Kill zombie beavers and fight off infected moose! Holy shit! Vampire bears! (by the way I'm canadian)

Pacman: Bulimia
It’s the game where you play and play and gain no weight!

Alright, I feel absolutely terrible about myself. I further apologize in advance for whomever I may offend, and to those that I didn't, any suggestions?

We've all seen actors in a movie or on the T.V that look like they'd rather be somewhere else, or fishing, or altogether dead. Well I'm taking it a step further. Here's my list of video game (and some T.V characters) that wish it would all end, whether it's through retiration, or a quick painless death.

Pikachu

You can almost see him holding back the tears

It's interesting to see such a happy little rat on T.V and ask yourself, "do you think he's absolutely tired of the same shit for 10 years?" Looking at the things he's required to do on the show, I wouldn't be surprised if he absolutely despised his little yellow self. He's been outrunning, outsmarting, outgunning and pitfighting for ten years, with a perpetually young co-protagonist.

You can only suppose that Pikachu goes home once the spotlight is no longer aimed at his dishonest smile, downs a flask full of whiskey and contemplates hanging himself, but realizes he has no neck. Which only fuels a blind rage, striking Mrs. Pikachu and scaring all his children Pichu. The next morning his children won't even look him in the eye, scared he will go into another depression-induced rampage.

Sonic the Hedgehog

It ain't easy being the blue blurr

How depressing must it be to be Sonic I mean he was the king of the castle back in the 90s. But then some random animals came, pissed all on his legacy and screwed it all up for the poor guy. Before they came, he was on top of the world, now, his 3D efforts are the laughing stock of the video game community. Now, he has killed his reputation. Now... he has taken part in one of the most furverted missadventures ever... here's what I mean:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgNzGlEenAw&eurl See.... SEEE?!

Link


Link has been fighting the same bad guy for twenty years and saving the same princess (technically at least) for two decades. He's dealt with all matter of terrifyingly annoying sidekicks. He's constantly donning the same smelly, torn, beaten green tunique. The worst part about the repetitiveness and his terrible depression is that he can't even ask for help. Do you think Link wouldn't have looked for help yet if he could? The reason why Link hates his green-wearing self and his miserable job is because all he can do is yelp. Wouldn't you be constantly sad knowing the only sound you can make is AYYYYYYYYYYY?

The Power Rangers


Ah the Power Rangers. I'm not sure if any other T.V show had me hooked quite like the Power Rangers did. You're probably asking how could you hate being you if you owned giant mechs and could flip through the air like Tumbleweed of steroids. You probably think wearing sincronised (yet individual) uniforms with a cluster of your best friends while fighting the forces of evil would be the complete opposite of depressing.

Well, have you ever seen a Ranger bleed? No of course not, instead they have sparks project out of their body. The Power Rangers don't bleed, they burn. Their veins are filled with hot, flowing flames burning them slowly from the inside, that must hurt tons.

Even if the Sparks don't hurt, the Rangers must have a terrible case of depression. Every single episode, they had to act surprised when they obviously knew, from seasons of experience, that the enemy would appear and then expand to skyscraper stature. The Power Rangers take orders from a giant head (Zordon) in a giant jar. That is a whole lot of sad. Not to mention all that unnecessary flipping must be destroying their brain.

Any character from any final fantasy game


I don't really think they have a reason to hate themselves as much as they do, maybe it's the pressure of saving the world, maybe it's the fact that their swords weigh a ton, they're just really sad people and they don't even try to hide it. Cloud strife would slit his neck with that pillar of a sword if he wasn't so busy being idolized. Sephiroth is so evil he's making himself cry, Lulu must dress in black for a reason, I've never had anything against any final fantasy I've played, but I think they have something against themselves...

The Prince Of Persia


They say that in Prince of Persia: the Warrior Within, the prince completely changed and ruined the story. I dissagree. He did not change he simply was honest enough to say that it pretty much sucks to be him.

Let me put it this way, in the first Prince of Persia (nevermind the early 2d Persia) he was a plucky young man with not a care in the world. Soon he became jaded, and he has good reason. He unleashes a terrible plague that destroyed his Kingdom and was forced to kill his father. He then had to reverse time to before he did all this had happened. Then fate came knocking at his door to put an end to his sad existence. Then he became scizophrenic...

Yes the Prince has been through a lot. One of the things that must get to him is that we technically don't know his name. We just call him "Prince".

And worst of all, when he falls onto a pit of spikes, he gets to feel the pain of dying, then reverses time to avoid the tragic event. In other words he gets to feel the pain and then he gets to clean up his own mess. Also he gets to deal with this continiously through his games.

Aquaman

Can you see the Aquatears? Can you?

I feel terrible for Aquaman. DC made him look like a complete tool. DC made him a complete tool. His super power is comunicating with fish. Not only is that depressingly useless, it must be terrifying to walk by the fish isle in the super market. When people tap at the glass of a fish bowl, does he cry for the fish? Has he ever given a eulogy for a fallen fish friend as he flushed it down the toilet? You can only imagine how sad it must be to be Aquaman because even though he goes through all that pain and all that grief of knowing the feelings of the oppressed, he gets no compensation or praise. There is no love for Aquaman.

Goombas as well as other Game henchmen

A thousand anti-depressants will never take away the hurt from that single stomp.

Depression is only a shoe-mark away for these anonymous fungi. You can't blame them for despising themselves they have no real means of defense, they move side to side (never hesitate to actually jump off a cliff) doing the one thing they're meant to do. Get stomped

This is for all you anonymous game henchmen, Grunts, Koopas, faceless badguys that will always be remembered by the size of the shoe-print on your forehead, not for the pain you have to cope with. If you really think of it, are those stomping maniacs, really the good guys? Speaking of which...

Mario


Mario must be hiding a large chip on his shoulder. He seems very strangely proportioned doesn't he? Maybe he's tumorous and his games are really just hallucinations from the large amount of morphine he's fed to numb the pain. I mean think of it his adventures are strange enough to be delirious, morphine enduced dreams. For all we know, there could be no Mushroom Kingdom, there could be no Peach, there might not even be a Luigi. This theory makes sense since his latest games have gotten stranger and stranger than his older games(Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros. brawl, Mario Kart wii)

Even if it was all real, do you think it's all enjoyable for the poor itallian stallion? He has to rescue a ditsie little princess for, likely, the rest of his life. He engages in sport activities with his biggest rival (Bowser).

He rescues Princess Peach because he adores her so. He is so blindly in love with her that he doesn't notice that she's probably being kidnapped by Bowser on purpose and pretends it's completely unwanted so that her kingdom will not turn their back on her. She gets to romance a giant turtle dragon while Mario gets to look like a douche over and over.

Luigi


Luigi is exceptionally sad. Unlike his brother he does close to nothing, but somehow looks like more of a douche, simply because Nintendo wants him to be.

After my frightfully honest (and somewhat explicit) display in Stupid questions #01, I decided that y'all just ain't ready for that amount of realness.

So with question number two I tackle an age-old myth, a mystery of all the ages, the only reason his question is considered "stupid" is because of its source. This dilemma exists solely on a form of entertainment we enjoyed as children (and others, like myself, still occasionally enjoy.)

The cliche I'm confronting is the famous "banana peel" myth involving momentum, an animated criter, and a whole lot of fail. The single gag that inspired hours upon hours of T.V. Although, I am not asking if this Myth is plausible or not.

What I am asking is how would the popular "slipped on a banana peel" ordeal, be administered flawlessly into gaming.

I say the question answers itself really, as banana peels seem to be the number one cause of injury by Acme products, why not use them to harm others? Just imagine firing loose banana peels at your opponent in Unreal Tournament, causing them to fall and destroy their own craniums via the weight of their enormous armor, and you emerge victorious, seven ultra kills, and a banana peel gun in your hand. The banana peel gun would almost fit in with some of Halo's more inventive weapons, as they come in all the colors of the rainbow. The spartan armor happens to weigh thousands of pounds, all Master Chief would need is a well placed change in friction and he would crush himself under the weight of his own armor.

A banana peel would be amazing for stealth games. If an enemy just so happened to spot you, you could run away a la Looney toons and drop a banana peel along the way. Sam Fisher would have a new found respect for the vitamins and minerals in Bananas. Not to mention the possibility of even stopping a colossal Metal Gear in it's tracks with the casing of the popular fruit. In fact I can actually see Hideo Kojima placing a banana peel in the inventory of the next Metal Gear Solid, along with potato guns and apple peelers (that is... if there's ever another Metal Gear Solid)

Sure banana peels were employed in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but that was pretty lame. Diddy Kong just dropping his peels sloppily along the stage looks nothing like in the cartoons.

If the cartoons weren't meant to be appropriate, any character would have broken it's neck upon impact with the ground. The peel is deadly, not just inconvenient, but DEADLY.

So in your opinion. How would unconventional weapons like the banana peel blaster and the potatoe gun make it into a game? Use your imagination, I am terribly curious.

This question is probably a bad way to start off my series of "stupid" questions, as this question is not stupid, it's very disturbing (kids cover your ears) and simply boggling to me. In the past three weeks, I have not found an answer or even a legitimate excuse as to why it keeps happening.

I ventured through my basement one day where my room happens to reside and I had a completely natural urge to empty my vowels (kids cover your ears) so I went along to the washroom.

I felt something was strange and wrong about my washroom, Maybe the shower's towel was gone? It was a much larger feeling than that. Maybe I was running dry on toilet paper? I soon discovered what was making me so paranoid.

It seems some one has broken into my basement and droppled a deuce in my toilet. Who would do that? I know it's not anybody I'm living with, because nobody in my family has enough power to generate such an epic mud-penguin.

The brown child must weigh a hefty amount and I was fearful to dispose of it, as it seemed like one of those enormous logs that need splitting with a diamond cutter in order to fit through the toilet. Fear is the only way to describe the feeling you get from trying to flush that monster.

My question is, who has been breaking into my washroom and birthing a mud-baby in my toilet? (yes it's happened before, and now I'm scared to go in there) and if you say it's me, I'd be surprised I survived the weight. I feel truly violated, you wouldn't think of your toilet as a sanctuary, but knowing a stranger has used your throne feels cheap and dirty.

This is a video game website, so why not, which video game tyrant mass-produced basketball-sized clay-bombs in my toilet? Bowser? Ganondorf? One of the Metal Gears?

Hello every one who chooses to read my blog, I'm going to say this once to clear out the obvious and get it out of the way, I enjoy writing (as the epic nerd I am, I chose destructoid because I love the sense of humor) and in this blog I will question things about games and everyday life that in my opinion need questioning. Just so I don't get comments saying "you're a total wannabee" and "you need a new pass-time" I know.... I know...

I began writing this blog for a few reasons. The first of which is obvious. I adore video games, I can truly say I've played games since before i could remember. If my memory serves me right, my first game console was the SNES (I am 16, spare me). I played that thing until I started seeing colored bars when I closed my eyes.
One of my favorite games of all time is probably Megaman 2. I still remember some of the sound track, which inspired me to play guitar, and I still wait for the true-to-form Megaman sequel.

I also started this blog entirely out of self-motivation. I've always enjoyed writing; I used to do volunteer work for a small-time local newspaper. My writing is a little stale now as i haven't picked up a pen or truly sat down at the keyboard in months. I stopped writting for the local newspaper (which I will not name, I respect my confidentiality) because I felt i had very little room to put in my own opinion and there was a very small margin for error, as well as personality. Also the stories depressed me and although these stories were simply a fact of life, they truly did faze me from time.

I write this blog to ignite my own passion for freedom of expression and hope that my desire to express myself creatively returns.

I'm not usually this direct and my grammar may be crap but atleast it's sort of readable. My plan for this "blog" is to have three main features I update every week in true destructoid fashion.

Stupid question of the day (or week, depending) is entirely based on my own lack of common sense. These questions are like those little thoughts everybody has that, for some reason, you decided to share naively thinking your friends would take it seriously.

Compare and contrast (I may not actually name it that) is where I compare certain things about games, be it characters, locations, weapons, price, the list goes on.

The third of which is unplanned and probably completely miscellaneous. This may have nothing to do with anything or may completely change your lives... (I lol-ed at that too)