Me and a couple of friends went to Vancouver for a few days and had ourselves a time. We were talking about movies and their formulaic cliches like "it's not an action movie without a catch phrase" and "it's not a horror movie without pre-marital sex". Thus I applied the same formula to game genres.
Fighting games: it will never truly be a fighting game until there are upskirt shots and panties, without them, it's just a "combat simulator". Punch your opponent into the air and enjoy the view, after all, it just wouldn't feel right without it. Also it's not a soul calibur game without boobs. If Ivy were to ever realize her massive bust is responsible for her constant back pain, it just wouldn't be Soul Calibur.
It's not a FPS until it has an overly patriotic, apple pie eating, communist beating hillbilly
somewhere. You just wouldn't be playing a fast paced shoot-athon without hearing a dimwitted one liner like "Yeeeha" or "Booya!" along the way. Whether it's smiting terrorists, bringing the hurt to Nazis or aliens, you just have to do it with a redneck smile on your face.
It's not a survival horror movie game or book until there is a young boy or girl involved in some sense. According to Horror formula, toddlers are
creepy as shit. They face the camera and march towards it slowly, silent in their approach, to wrap their miniscule hands around your face and open their mouth wider than humanly possible and scream at you at ear-shattering volumes. Sure it's creepy, but apparantly these kids are
everywhere. Also... why do most of them look Asian? (just asking...)
look familiar?
of course...
It is not a crime epic until there are barely tolerable racial stereotypes to bask in. You just aren't shanking cops if there's not a Jamaican around the corner calling someone a "rudeboy". You're just not robbing a bank until a mexican tries to jump over a fence. It is also not a Grand Theft Auto game until the media regards it as Satan. You're just not playing Grand Theft Auto if you haven't felt inclined to murder shamelessly. As we all know, a man could kill three prostitutes and it would just be a crying shame, but if he has a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4 at home...
Grand Theft Auto=Satan
It's not an online match without the terribly scratchy voice of a 12 year old carving the word "Fagot" into my eardrums. If you ever played an online match of Halo 3 without a kid teabagging you somewhere along the way, you might as well been playing single player.
such form... such grace
It's not a platformer if there's no bunnies or cute faces. If you're jumping up and down that's a bit closer, if you're climbing up and down structures you're a step close to a platformer. Is there anything purple? Or green? Or squeaky? Or
sweet as pie? no? Well then... you were playing Tony Hawk.
It's not a beat 'em up if you don't have blisters on your thumbs from playing. If you're not crying over your re-shapen thumbs from hours of pounding on a button. If you're not sulking while leaking the pus out of your thumbs bitterly in a bathtub and regretting ever picking up a controler then you weren't playing a beat 'em up, then you were playing a violent stroll-down-the-street simulator. Not until you have calluses comparable in size to doorknobs have you played a beat 'em up. (I almost put an image up of an epic blister but it made me gag.)
I am not saying that there is no game in these genres that doesn't follow the formula (well I am saying it as a joke) I'm saying these are basic formulas for these genres. If any of you have an example please feel free to leave a comment.
