I've been on a break, and to be honest, it wasn't pleasant. I was away from all forms of communication. The cold shiver of boredom was not only murdering me, but murdering me in the after life, and proceeding to sleep with my mother.
Just when all hopes were lost I returned to society, and discovered that society was still about as intelligent as a bag ful of newly shaven chest hair.

I swore I wouldn't blog again, so I will admit, this is not a blog, this is me intentionally setting the internet ablaze. The odds of somebody caring enough to read this are astronomical, but if you read this, and you decided to take this to heart, concequently I will have succeeded.

My gripe is with comment boxes. It seems as soon as people discover they can interact with flashing lights on your computer screen, they get the urge to stoop to the level of a retarded lemming. They will type in the most incredibly stupid thing they could think of. Something that if anybody were to say outloud in a public place, people around them would seriously consider flogging them viciously.

You're probably asking "Mitchell you spicey manwich, what-ever could you mean?" Let me explain.

It appears the more time spent on the internet, the more bitter you will eventually become. It's either that or you will become more and more idiotic. When commenting on a page, video or anything of the like you will either A) Point out something painfully obvious. B) Intentionally say something to anger somebody you've never met. C) Debate how something else may be "better" and sound like a tool.

Of course I wouldn't go through the trouble of saying this without proof:

I visited multiple sites and found the comments which enraged me the most.

First off: Youtube. Allowing anybody and everybody to express themselves is bound to end up in terrible backlash.

I searched up "wipeouts", or "faceplants" to view the comments on the videos. Then I sat back and marveled as people unleashed their stupidity in the form of blind key punching.

"WHEELCHAIR
LOL OMFG"
As made famous by oreosoccer, whom I presume knows only the words 'Wheelchair', 'Oreo' and 'Soccer'.

"omg i couldnt stop laughen... dudes im crying ahhh thth was good"
But nobody's laughen with you, kidnamedkyle.

"BURY ME NOW! This was the best FACE PLANT COMPILATION (FPC) EVER! If I were not a quadraplegic I would have made this video the exact way. Face plants forever."
oh I would love to bury you stachowi, along with your keyboard.

"soccer ball XD"
-billeebo
What is it with idiots and soccer balls?

So now I move on to a site arguably as popular as youtube; Newgounds. For all of you not familiar, Newgrounds is a website in which anybody can upload their own flash creations. Newgrounds claims to be 'everything by everyone" but it is mostly populated by talented, usually intelligent flash animators and slow-as-molasses viewers.

"This is a best animation ever!!World War 3 is a great idea!!And your work is very very well......I like it..:D"
-Fif0j
No! World War 3 is NOT a great idea, what are you? A communist?

"awsome game...i got as far as the 2 time u use a red freak 2 make u move....than it got 2 a point were i was having a lot of problems on it...lol XD..but ya great game was awsome ^_^"
-sakura50000
I would have let this comment slide if it made any sense at all.

Now onto gaming sites. First off, gametrailers.com. Gametrailers is great for keeping track of all the latest in videogame news but perhaps it's even better at sparking horrible, ongoing fanboy wars.

"Dude!? I noticed something.... the visuals improved... look at the guys hair in the opening scene at 0:07 to 0:10 secs... now go watch the E3 2007 trailer!!! Huge Difference!!! not only the hair but everything looks so improved... I'm so getting this game... 2009 game of the year!? HELL YEAH!!! THIS IS HELGHAN!!!!"
-LeeRasta907
First off: Who's 'dude'?
Second: Are you actually a Rastafarian?
Third: Why do you talk about the visuals as if they magically 'improved' themselves?
Fourth: Does Sony have a large Rastafarian-fanboy demographic?
Fifth: Hair rendering is that important? Do scalp mappings make or break games?
Sixth: Instead of comparing videos, shouldn't you be hitting the electric lettuce and giggling while watching a fish tank bubble?

"your an idiot"
-macNcheese
No, you're an idiot. Also, mac n' cheese is gross.

"Bull Shit, it shoulda got a ten, GT is just mad cuz its not for 360, their such fanboys."
-babysbottom
This was in response to the Littlebigplanet video review. It scored a 9.4 which is a quite decent score... Well at least he spelled 'ten' right.

I found these comments in Gametrailer's Golden Axe review:

"well, I know the original had it but is a coop mode no really required in every game? I mean the God of War games didnt have one either"
-CpnHero
This would have been a good point if he/she didn't sound like a caveman. Garrr co-op mode no really required! Rawr! God of War no have!
Here's what 1sttreeman had to say in response:

"God of war fucking owns, this sucks ass like all 360 games"
Let me be the first to say I've played both God of Wars on ps2 and Psp, and although they were good, they are not better than every Xbox 360 game out there. Also Golden Axe is a PS3 game as well as Xbox 360.

Now onto IGN, a well executed, all around pop-culture website, that while it successfully talks about many different types of entertainment and media, it lacks spirit and personality. It's like comicon without the awesome, really. I've never took the time to investigate comments on this site, but I have the feeling that they are just as narrow minded as the viewers of gametrailers.com.

*Takes Bot apart with a wrench then sends his parts to the four corners of "CAHNADUH"*
-ShawnDamian
I have no comments... this is just unbelievable.

"Yeah Right! Woop WOOOooooop!"
-dosxxxxx
Woop, woop to you too...

Onto Gamespot. In my opinion, gamespot has lost it's best staff members over time. I barely bother with the website anymore, it is a good website never the less, but it is rarely updated and sometimes updated too late on current events.

I found a preview for Left 4 dead, and headed straight for the comments.

"Haha, what an awesome slogan:
"Their flight just got delayed. Permanently."
-Foggel
If you ask me, that is an incredibly cheesy slogan and wouldn't seem out of place in Snakes On a Plane.

"Uff ... waitin for ya sweetie xD Well who cares IXI i just want to play something with zombies ... "
-Josip2
Uff? Is that even an onomatopoeia? What is that a puffing sound?
This comment shows exactly how simple and easy to please the average web comentor really is.

"Hordes of infected, FPS, cheezy movie script? Sign me up for this game, I've been waiting for something like this!"
-elmstterror
There has been plenty of cheesy movie script nonsense in FPS history, where have you been?

That's as far as I will go. Simply reading these comments feels like my brain is being massaged with sand paper and sprinkled with salt. Maybe I am the biggest idiot of all. I actually wrote about how stupid, bitter and arrogant everybody is on the internet and ended up sounding ridiculously stupid, bitter and arrogant. I took the time to down talk an entire community. If anything I might be the most dim-witted of all. I may be a pretentious dick, but at least I admit it.

Now keep in mind that if you comment on this page and happen to sound as smart as cardboard, I will immediately vomit. Not because you said something disgustingly stupid, but because you, as a person, nauseate me.

So what if the games you've grown to love weren't what they are? If in some convoluted mistical alternate dimension they were completely opposite to what they are? Here's where I go all out and tell you exactly what these games would be if they were in opposite land. I guess it is only appropriate to tell a "in Soviet Russia" joke so, *ahem, clears throat, speaks with russian accent* In Soviet Russia, Game plays you!

(yeah, I hate myself too)

By the way if you're not into random humor, this will make you cry.

Any game from the Mario series would be terrifying and disturbing in opposite land. You would be kidnapping princesses and actually having sex with them, then running from giant murderous tigers with wings and clovers with bloody fangs and sharp claws (I decided tigers were the opposite of turtles and clovers were the opposite of mushrooms, it's my blog, things are what i want them to be here!) You would travel to the left of the screen until the entire screen was soaked in blood. Eating clovers and shooting tigers with your bear-trap gun (yes, a gun that shoots bear-traps) Screaming profanities at the top of your lungs, in french might I add.

When your reach the red, square-shapped flag, your character (a stereotypical french mime, Pier) will march in expecting a princess, but instead is greeted by a hairy, delusional Homeless person that looks like a cross between Santa Clause bathed in Urine and a mildly shaven Wookie (It's safe say that said Hobo is the complete opposite of Princess Peach). The Homeless person proceeds to give you a big, cat urine scented hug and sais "Thank you Pier, Now you can take me home and I won't get kidnapped again."


the anti-Mario, Pier

The Halo Franchise would be hilarious in opposite land. Your character, a naked, purple, cyclops pigephant (that's a pig crossed with a pig... I decided that's the complete opposite of master chief) travels through the universe fixing giant cubes called "blocks". Fighting infants with bazookas and blabbering nonsense about war and life. While your tiny yellow holographic kitten give you instructions.


the opposite of master chief... if it were purple and it had a bit more pig in there...

You would use weapons like pop-tart blasters and cork-screws. You would be able ride diabetic penguins, and red unicorns with tonsilitis (don't question my Mitchelly-ways). The multiplayer would spawn a famous trademark move of the series called the anti-bag, where you grab your live opponents legs and shove their package on your own face. This is, of course, the ultimate compliment.


The opposite of a halo of course

I decided that was enough for now, I would make more, but god i hate myself already for this. Of course i would love to see some one photoshop my descriptions of opposite land.

But if you want to get deep about opposite land, the truth is, none of these games would exist in opposite land. The opposite of existing is not existing, thus everything in our world does not actually exist in opposite land. Suck on that.

I appologize if you tried to read my accidental post of this iteration of stupid questions a while back I actually accidentally posted this completely empty and upon realizing that some freak accident happened that erased the article completely, I hid the blog, re-wrote it and waited a few days to hope nobody would remember me as a spammer.

I was watching Winnie the Pooh with a kid I was baby sitting (I can be tender) and wondered to myself many things, "this show is still running?" and "if a bear were to run so gaily through a field like Pooh does, would he not be shot?"

Then I imagined myself making a big old rug out of Pooh, reading a newspaper next to the fire in my dark red bathrobe and blowing out soapy bubbles from a fake pipe. Smirking smugly and asking my buttler to pluck my eyebrows while I read, then warn him that if he distracts me from my read, there will be a new rug next to my fireplace (a fireplace that is made from solid Iranian gold might I add).

Thus my question: If you could use whatever needs necessary and had all the time in the world with a loathed (or mildly disliked) videogame personality, who would it be and how would you ruin him/her/it?

Say you pull on Mario's mustache until his face is torn from his goofy body. Or you drop kick Big the cat and watch him crawl through a field of bear traps and tri-headed attack dogs (from Mars). Or maybe you'll be slightly less creative (and fun) and just take him/her/it out onto the street, shoot 'em/'er/it in the ear and deal with the concequences. Whatever sadistic adventure you decide to embark on, please let me indulge with you and please be creative. (By the way, it's not considered insane if I'm not the only one doing it...)

Me and a couple of friends went to Vancouver for a few days and had ourselves a time. We were talking about movies and their formulaic cliches like "it's not an action movie without a catch phrase" and "it's not a horror movie without pre-marital sex". Thus I applied the same formula to game genres.

Fighting games: it will never truly be a fighting game until there are upskirt shots and panties, without them, it's just a "combat simulator". Punch your opponent into the air and enjoy the view, after all, it just wouldn't feel right without it. Also it's not a soul calibur game without boobs. If Ivy were to ever realize her massive bust is responsible for her constant back pain, it just wouldn't be Soul Calibur.

It's not a FPS until it has an overly patriotic, apple pie eating, communist beating hillbilly somewhere. You just wouldn't be playing a fast paced shoot-athon without hearing a dimwitted one liner like "Yeeeha" or "Booya!" along the way. Whether it's smiting terrorists, bringing the hurt to Nazis or aliens, you just have to do it with a redneck smile on your face.

It's not a survival horror movie game or book until there is a young boy or girl involved in some sense. According to Horror formula, toddlers are creepy as shit. They face the camera and march towards it slowly, silent in their approach, to wrap their miniscule hands around your face and open their mouth wider than humanly possible and scream at you at ear-shattering volumes. Sure it's creepy, but apparantly these kids are everywhere. Also... why do most of them look Asian? (just asking...)


look familiar?


of course...

It is not a crime epic until there are barely tolerable racial stereotypes to bask in. You just aren't shanking cops if there's not a Jamaican around the corner calling someone a "rudeboy". You're just not robbing a bank until a mexican tries to jump over a fence. It is also not a Grand Theft Auto game until the media regards it as Satan. You're just not playing Grand Theft Auto if you haven't felt inclined to murder shamelessly. As we all know, a man could kill three prostitutes and it would just be a crying shame, but if he has a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4 at home...

Grand Theft Auto=Satan

It's not an online match without the terribly scratchy voice of a 12 year old carving the word "Fagot" into my eardrums. If you ever played an online match of Halo 3 without a kid teabagging you somewhere along the way, you might as well been playing single player.

such form... such grace

It's not a platformer if there's no bunnies or cute faces. If you're jumping up and down that's a bit closer, if you're climbing up and down structures you're a step close to a platformer. Is there anything purple? Or green? Or squeaky? Or sweet as pie? no? Well then... you were playing Tony Hawk.

It's not a beat 'em up if you don't have blisters on your thumbs from playing. If you're not crying over your re-shapen thumbs from hours of pounding on a button. If you're not sulking while leaking the pus out of your thumbs bitterly in a bathtub and regretting ever picking up a controler then you weren't playing a beat 'em up, then you were playing a violent stroll-down-the-street simulator. Not until you have calluses comparable in size to doorknobs have you played a beat 'em up. (I almost put an image up of an epic blister but it made me gag.)

I am not saying that there is no game in these genres that doesn't follow the formula (well I am saying it as a joke) I'm saying these are basic formulas for these genres. If any of you have an example please feel free to leave a comment.

Today's question is the first in a while now (I was off moving furniture and carrying heavy objects because I was being told to do so). If you actually care for the Stupid questions series, I am sorry it took me so long to return to it, if you're not, you're probably crying and wishing "the bad mouse would just go away!"

Today's question occurred to me a while back when I came across an article of the voice of Mario (the famed plumber, you've heard of him I presume?) Charles Martinet also does voice acting for other maskots like Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, Toadsworth among others. I asked myself "Mario would live forever aslong as their's sports to power up in, but what happens when Charles dies/quits/gets fired?"

Nevermind the fact that they have his voice recorded, who cares, that's just no fun. My question is who would take the wheel once Charles is no long the plumpy plumber?

Tom Kenny of Spongebob fame? Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks?

I would adore to see an actual plumber from Brooklyn with a terribly raspy voice and a smoker's cough. Or Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Morgan Freeman or just a sailor with barbedwire for vocal chords.

In your opinion, who would be the best or worst new voice actor for Mario if Charles "let's-e-go!" Martinet so chose to leave Nintendo?

I wanted to approach my first monthly musing the way I've approached most of my other articles, with a sense of humor that boils down to the lowest common denomenator in funny-bone tickling. Toilet humor and Michael Jackson jokes. Then I noticed that writing a satirical blog would defeat the purpose of this monthly musing, as it serves as a tribute to our nostalgic gaming culture.

I realized that naming a single character from a game would be insencere. Characters have always had an impact on me more by their interactions with others, rather than being a relatable character. The first living, breathing, in-game world that I fell in love with was with The Legend of Zelda: The Majora's Mask.

Termina (the setting of the game) struck a chord with me because it was a land caught in a morbid situation. The residents of Termina had been cursed to suffer the brunt of the end of the world, the moon would crash into Termina in three days. The sense of urgency reached me at a personal level, making me feel for the inhabitants of Termina. Perhaps the thing that affected me most, was the fact that you were there to witness it all, and you were there to control it. You could restart the doomsday clock over and over again, but if you so choose, you can sit around and watch the day of judgement.

In the game you relived those three days so often, that you eventually memorized everyone's actions, where abouts, and stories along the way. You became a witness in a world full of victims. Majora's Mask was the first game I could possibly call art when I was young. The people in Majora's Mask were the first characters I could somehow grow attached to even if they were just blocky shapes upon my television screen.



Link, in my opinion, was the most unfortunate soul of all. Link would actually have memory of those three days, while others would not recolect any of it after cycling back in time. Link was a blank slate. You could've played the game with an anonymous black shroud and you would have still had the same effect. He was your connection to the world of termina and it's citizens.

The world of Termina was filled with people, almost all with a story to tell. Every character had his/her own pattern during the three days, every character had his/her own interactions with the world. Sometimes I would attempt tasks characters would assign me in the game, and if i failed their errand, I would genuinly feel like they were dissapointed in me. The fact that if you failed to please them you would have to start over from (literally) day one to attempt the chore again.



Skullkid probably had the largest effect on me, making the least effort. He was never a large part of the plot, he never recieved too much screen-time. He was a haunting precense behind the plot. Althought this sounds menacing, skullkid was just a puppet of the titular mask. His memorable, haunting theme was menacing but skullkid himself never was evil. Like everyone in Termina, he was a victim as well.



Majora's Mask had an effect on me because the entire game was centered around urgency, and the citizens of Termina. You genuinly felt like you had to stop those three days from cycling over and over and save Termina as well as the rest of the world. The moon hung from the sky lower and lower each day, to serve as a reminder of your limited time.

A well written fictional character can leave a mark on people, but only the world around him can truly make it shine as a protagonist.