Jonathan Holmes. Beloved editor. Television superstar. Ex-costumed wrestler. Black man. Actually, I'm not too sure about that last one. Let me double-check my source:

"I'm currently sort of fat, sort of bald, and sort of black."

Straight out of his mouth. But how can one be "sort of black"?

"My avatar makes me look totally black, not at all bald, and not too fat. In the summer, being in the sun will probably lead to my complexion becoming a lot blacker, which will be fun for me."

So does this mean that Jonathan Holmes is just a really tan guy? I surmised as much and thought nothing more of it. Fast-forward a few months to when those E3 videos and photos began to surface. Soon community began to question what they had been led to believe all this time. "WHY ARE YOU NOT BLACK?!" "Why does Jon look black in his profile picture?" "You're not black? What the hell?" The shock and confusion reached a fever pitch and I knew that it was up to me to dig into the heart of the matter and uncover the truth.



What did I discover? Jonathan Holmes is indeed black. Sometimes. Other times, he's cream with two sugars. Across the myriad media, his skin tone fluctuates to an unnatural degree, especially considering that these days were spent predominantly indoors. As you can clearly tell from the above color swatch, the variation is quite astounding. How is this possible? What could cause such an anomaly? What is Jonathan Holmes not telling us?

Unfortunately, I was unable to arrive at a solid conclusion. However, I offer the following four possible explanations in order of increasing plausibility:



1. Jonathan Holmes has an evil twin from a parallel universe.

Should a wormhole appear in the fabric of time and space, it is feasible that alternate versions of ourselves can pass into this universe. It is also possible that there exists a universe in which our physical traits and psychological characteristics are inverted, resulting in "evil" versions of our friends and family. If Jonathan Holmes's evil twin has entered our world, he would be easily identified by his contrasting appearance. Our Jonathan Holmes is balding, a little tubby, and of a creamy complexion. Evil Jonathan Holmes would therefore have a full head of hair, muscle upon muscle, and skin the color of night.

Look at what has been captured on camera.

Why would Evil Jonathan Holmes come into our world? To ruin the reputation of our dear friend through poor journalism, bad language, and questionable fashion sense, of course. The chaos of his world is status quo, ironically, so it would be in his nature to infect other worlds with his brand of entropy. Should he prove successful, other duplicates may follow and spark a chain reaction that annihilates all that is and ever will be. They may be here already!

But I highly doubt it. First of all, that photo I've linked to is several years old. If Evil Jonathan Holmes was ever in our dimension then he hasn't been seen in quite a while. Second, both dark- and light-skinned Jonathan Holmeses exhibit the same behavior, so unless the evil twin is trying to remain incognito these two must be the same individual. Finally and most importantly, no goatee. Duh.



2. Jonathan Holmes was bitten by a radioactive chameleon.

Jonathan Holmes is quite the cosmopolitan. Either that or he visits lots of zoos. Or he is a PETA radical who breaks into animal testing clinics. Regardless of the scenario the placed him in the vicinity of genetically altered lizards, Jonathan Holmes now possesses the abilities of the common chameleon. That means he can change the color of his skin to best suit his environment.

With great power comes great responsibility and that responsibility is to make sure that those around him are never uncomfortable in his presence. If he visits the Apollo Theater, he'll be black. If he visits Salt Lake City, Utah, he'll be white. But that's not to say he doesn't use his powers to give himself a leg up from time to time. Should he be posing for a group photo, he'll alter his skin tone in order to better stand out. For such a Samaritan as Jonathan Holmes, he has every right to award himself such tiny luxuries.

But if he is in fact a human chameleon, where is his elongated tongue? Is he ashamed of it? Did he have tongue reduction surgery? Why can't he turn green or yellow or blue? Why can he only cycle through shades of next-gen brown?



3. Jonathan Holmes is the pilot of the Ikaruga.

Constantly switching colors back and forth? Jonathan Holmes is either Shinra himself or a test pilot with extensive flight experience aboard the legendary Ikaruga. The technology that powers the Ikaruga is highly experimental so it wouldn't be out of the question to assume that long-term usage can result in a number of strange side effects. Exposure to asbestos can result in mesothelioma, while exposure to whatever substance burns in the plane's engine can result a benign case of polarity phase shifting. Makes sense.

This can explain Jonathan Holmes's camouflage technique without the need to explain his lack of extendable tongue or inability to explore other hues on the color wheel. Also, unlike a chameleon, in battle he can absorb any damage as long as he matches the skin tone of his attacker! Much more effective for a life of crime-fighting should he choose to engage in such.

Best of all, the ship itself is an excellent chick magnet. Imagine the amount of poon he can score if he's seen flying around that thing! I only wonder why he hasn't given anyone else rides. What's the matter? Are we not cool enough to ride shotty, Jonathan Holmes?



4. Jonathan Holmes is Darkman.

As we all know, Jonathan Holmes was once a cast member on Road Rules. According to the always reliable Wikipedia, there was a Real World/Road Rules Extreme Challenge in 2001 during which he crashed the party in full Kaiju Big Battel garb. The suits at MTV were not pleased by such mockery and plotted revenge. Deadly media warlords that they are, they managed to blow up Jonathan Holmes's house with him in it.

But he survived. He body was charred to a crisp, but he survived.

Unbeknownst to them, Jonathan Holmes is also a scientist and had developed synthetic skin in his underground laboratory. The means to produce the skin remained survived the fire and now he uses the skin in order to regain his original appearance. Unfortunately, the skin has one major flaw in that exposure to light for 99 minutes will cause it to dissolve. As the time limit approaches, the skin will become lighter in appearance, a cue for Jonathan Holmes to find the nearest porta-potty and don a fresh mask.

Every time you see a light-skinned Jonathan Holmes, he's on the verge of a major Ark-of-the-Covenant face meltdown. A dark-skinned Jonathan Holmes is a happy Jonathan Holmes. Perhaps he is wearing someone else's face at the moment. All the better obscure his presence as he hunts down the men who tried to snuff him out, wouldn't you agree?

In the end, I'm back to square one. All I have are hypotheses that raise more questions than solutions. Like what role if any does Destructoid play in the truth about his physical condition? And why do most of my theories lend themselves to the near-certainty that Jonathan Holmes is a superhero and/or shadowy vigilante? My mind reels.

I first approached this issue with mild curiosity and am now wrought with the sense that Jonathan Holmes's skin pigmentation holds the key to some all-important secret. Why do you keep that secret to yourself, man? Didn't your mother ever teach you the value of sharing?