Didn't you hear? Wii Fit has outsold Halo 3 in the good ol' US of A! Doesn't that make you angry? Normies are playing video games now! Wait, my mistake, not "games" but rather "non-gaming interactive software." Still, it's a worrying trend, is it not? With the Wii and its software breaking records every day, it won't be long before Sony and Microsoft attempt to pull off a Wii-like phenom of their own. Time is ticking. What shall you do?

The answer is simple. Before you can become tainted by mass-market garbage, you have to quit gaming. There's nothing left for you here. Nothing at all. It's going away. The spirit of gaming is dying. It's inevitable. Save yourself the heartache and just go. Now.

A little extreme, don't you think? Come to think of it, I haven't heard that phrase in quite some time. "If these trends continue, I'm going to quit gaming!" That was big not too long ago. No one says it anymore, but you know people are thinking it. It's at the tip of the "hardcore" gamer's tongue every time Nintendo posts its fiscal year earnings or when Ubisoft publishes another game in the Petz line. I think you guys have trained to hold back another such outburst after the initial shock of Wii dominance died down. You probably convinced yourself that the Wii truly is a fad and that real gaming will rise up like the mighty phoenix. Well... bad news. Sony and Microsoft have seen what runaway success looks like and you can bet they will jump on the bandwagon in due time.

So, that's it. Gaming is through. That brings us back to my original suggestion: Everybody should quit gaming right this second. Don't put it off, don't linger. No. Just do it right now.

Yeah right.

When I hear someone announce that he or she is on the brink of leaving games once and for all, I always notice two things. First, it's phrased as a threat. Like the person is contemplating suicide or something serious like that. To whom is this threat addressed? Why should I care if you quit gaming? Please, do it. One less person whining about how they feel abandoned by people they have never met. Second, it's a bluff. The only reason that life without gaming is such a threatening scenario to you is that you really don't want to quit in the first place. You are too emotionally invested in the pastime, possibly to an unhealthy degree. No, you will make concessions and you will deal with it through clenched teeth. In the end, all your pissing and moaning won't make a difference because the games you like to play will never stop being made no matter what happens.

I know, I know. There are people who do quit gaming for real, but their reasons are actually valid. Perhaps it's an issue of priorities whereby work and school and raising children demand the time that you waste on games. Maybe you need some cash and decide to sell off your game collection. You don't WANT to give up games, but it's necessary in order to manage the more important things. Maybe you just grew out of the hobby. You understand that games are still fun and that you would enjoy yourself if someone shoved a controller in your hand, but it's like how teenagers stop playing schoolyard games of tag and hide-and-seek not because they aren't fun but because they've found other age-appropriate activities to occupy their time. The distinction here is that these individuals don't feel some misguided sense of fear that their hobby is being poisoned by the lowest rungs of society.

So I know none of you will actually quit gaming. At least, not for any of the current BS reasons that you tout. Since it's not going to happen, since it's just a fantasy of mine that a sizeable chunk of the rabid enthusiast crowd will just drop out of message boards and blogs en masse and leave the reasonable, level-headed ones in peace, I'm going to pretend that a bunch of you will actually take me up on my suggestion.

So now that you are soon-to-be gaming-free, what will you do with your life? Why, you can pursue those activities that you just never got around to doing. Maybe you'll learn a second language or take up water sports! The money you save on such an expensive hobby could go towards tuition to further your education! You might even start dressing decently enough so that your friends and family will no longer be ashamed of you in public!

That gets me excited! Excited for YOU, that is. I'm happy that you are willing to get out of my face in order to better yourself as a person! I'd join you, but I am unfortunately far too invested in this hobby to willingly drop gaming cold turkey. In a way, I'm not that different from you. On the flipside, I'm not foolish enough to think that a few news articles featuring Wii Sports-playing senior citizen leagues is going to have any influence whatsoever on what I personally enjoy doing. If I have to make some concessions, so be it. Gaming is a privilege, not a right.

Really, though, I wish you would just quit.