I was religiously playing FF7: Crisis Core right before I put m33 on my PSP. After I upgraded my hand held, I pretty much totally forgot about the UMD.

I was really enjoying the game...for what it was. I suppose the month or two I was spending on it, I was merely convincing myself it was a better game than it really was...it's fun, don't get me wrong..it's just..."mehhhhhhhhhh!!!!!", and another lackluster addition to the FF7 compilation. What are they going to do in 20 years, update the games they used to update a PSX classic? Give me a fucking break.

Anyway, FF7 didn't even need to be fleshed out. It was completely solid, it was beautiful. Advent Children didn't really affect the story of FF7 for me so much, negatively or positively..it just...existed. I'm embarrassed to own the dvd because even though the CGI is luscious, it's totally gay as hell. 3 tranny silver haired dudes beating up other men while pursing their lips as if they are hungry for dick..woah boy. I'm not even bashing anime-esque trends in j-rpg's..it was just a movie over saturated with bishounen.

I mean this is sort of why I am reluctant to pick up Crisis Core again. It doesn't have that much to do with Nomura, some of you may remember I hate that fucking creep..no, it's just what they did to this concept, to the story of a "pre-FF7" situation that serves as a crucial backbone to the telling of the PSX title.



*Sniffle*...hai..*Sob*...It's me, Gackt...

Do you know who Gackt is? Gackt is Japan's equivalent to like Justin Timberlake or some shit. Or more like RuPaul, if you ask me. An androgynous pop star that sells cd's because we can't tell what the fuck the person is packing in between their legs. Well, Gackt was the model for Genesis, who you may have also seen in Dirge (which I'm glad I completely ignored)

The addition of Genesis just ruins the fucking story of FF7 completely. Now it becomes like some sort of "beyond good and evil" plot with these power ranger super soldiers who all jerk each other off after sparring on the offensively large phallis that is the Junon Cannon. I tolerated Angeal, I thought he was a good character to explain how Zack grew as a soldier, where his confidence and skill came from..also, how that relationship lives on between Zack and Cloud...but this whole "OMG SOLDIER CLONE" shit was just a really lame plot device.

It's sort of like the ALIEN movies...when you have one or two stalking the unfortunate crew of a space vessel, it's fucking scary..a whole hive, and it just turns in to a bloody laughing fit.


A shot of a Crisis Core mission..WOOPS, my bad. Well, they're equally as mundane.


The "MISSION" menu shouldn't even exist. I can't tell you how fed up I am running around maps that all look the same, populated with monsters that I've fought in 20 other maps. No variety, almost no fucking point to any of it unless you're a die-hard materia maven. I sort of am, so I like to do that time-wasting shit so I can explore the materia fusion system..but ultimately, it's not worth it. It doesn't redeem the hollow plot of Crisis Core (short too, I'm pretty close to the end), nor does anything in that fucking game justify Gackt's presence. Talk about skidmark stains.

Well, at least it's cool to see your favorite FF7 locales, fleshed out in 3d. Maybe I'll beat it before 2012.




Here is your fan service and a bottle of jergens.