INTRO
I've been a Destructoid lurker for a while now and am happy to say I've finally decided to jump in and post something. Instead of saying a little bit about myself, I decided to post a list of five games that kick ass and let the selections speak for me. The list is just what it says, not a top five or anything, just five games that will pump you up and make you want to roundhouse kick some people in the face.

1. DOOM
Every gaming historian ever agrees that Doom is the original kick ass game. In fact, it kicked so much ass that it spawned almost as many sequels as demons. Doom/Ultimate Doom, Doom II, Doom 3, Final Doom, Doom 64, a million console ports, ten million fan made maps and mods, and an insane deathmatch. There isn't a dull moment in the entire classic Doom franchise. And there isn't a single monster, level, item, texture, or sound effect that doesn't kick ass. Halo is enjoyable and everything, but this texture alone would eat the entire Halo universe for lunch (including all of the novels and movie rights):



2. GOD OF WAR (spoiler)
The first time I sat down with God of War, the in-game tutorial told me to hit the circle button to grab an enemy, so I did. Kratos picked up the nearest monster and... casually held it three feet off the ground by its neck. So I arbitrarily hit Triangle and Kratos ripped it in half with his bare hands. I literally paused the game, set the controller in my lap, and caught my breath... did that really just happen? I unpaused and played through roughly nine hours of snapping necks, ripping wings off of harpies, shoving blades down minotaur throats, smashing siren faces into concrete, and ultimately ended up ramming a sword the size of Athens into Ares's heart.

This game is pure adrenaline. Like Doom, EVERYTHING is intense. The soundtrack is intense, the way Kratos runs is intense, the way Kratos opens doors is intense, hell, the cut scenes are intense (and I normally get bored with cut scenes). If my life was the (horrible) movie "Crank", I would spend my remaining days playing God of War non stop to maintain the adrenaline needed to survive, and I'd probably live for three weeks. Sure I'd never exact revenge on the bad guys, but I would end up spending my remaining hours tearing every living thing in Athens to pieces.

3. SHINOBI (PS2)
Shinobi is everything a ninja game should be. Fast paced, responsive controls, running on walls, shurikens, ninja magic and killing enemies faster than they can react. You wield a cursed sword that will start eating your soul if you don't kill your enemies fast enough. That's right, you don't kick enough ass, and your sword is gonna kick yours. If you kill an enemy, it will stay frozen for a brief moment. If you kill an entire group of enemies fast enough, you've achieved Tate ("Tah-Tay"). The screen freezes, you flick your sword, and all the enemies fall to pieces where they stand while you say some cool sounding Japanese shit:



As long as I've had this game (7 years now), I've yet to beat it on the hardest difficulty. I come back to it every few months or so but still haven't quite done it. As one metacritic.com reviewer describes it:

"TATE in my language means...male testis (how I laughed!) and that proves it...you need balls to play Shinobi-and if you dont like the game then you dont have balls! Simple!"

I couldn't agree more.

4. HALF LIFE 2
Half Life 2 is every nerd's dream come true. Your character is a theoretical physicist who runs around ruining aliens' days with a crow bar, an automatic weapon equipped with a grenade launcher, and a bazooka. Half Life 2 is a great extension of the original, building on the killer story and gameplay that made the first game so great. Forget watching cut scenes, in this game you're in the cut scenes.

I honestly can't even think of words to describe how much ass this game kicks. Ravenholm alone blows my mind. Is there anything better than launching a circular saw blade with the gravity gun that cuts a zombie in half? Yes, launching a circular sawblade that cuts 5 zombies in half at once. But that's it.

5. Contra 3: The Alien Wars
As much as I love this game, I'll never be able to top Maddox's review

In conclusion...
... I strongly recommend all of these games. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!