I started playing games as a kid, on the good ol' atari. To this day my favourite game ever is Toejam & Earl on the genesis. I dig a lot of games, specially "odd" ones (pepsiman, courier crisis, urban chaos, tokyo jungle).
Disclaimer: this blog talks about penis. If that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you stop now. No graphic sex or anything, but there's some descriptions of morning oak and speedo wearing, so, yeah, you've been warned. Also, cocks
So persons and non-human lifeforms. I was thinking about life, about the mysteries of the sexytime we all abide to sooner or later and came upon a realization. We need to develop the Underpenis.
I was talking to Benny Disco, my friend and colleague in the field of advanced knowledge known as "madness", and I came upon the realization that we could have, just like the sideboob, the sidepenis. If you're a penis-sporting-human you probably even did it, at least once.
Imagine the scene, you wake up, and you notice your nether regions friend woke up before you. You're wearing common underpants, the ones that look like a speedo (I don't know the name of those, I learned english from Tommy Wiseau by the way). So, The Thing is hard, and pointing forward, straining the fabric. The hole where your leg fits is strained, and if there's someone with you they can see the side of the shaft, but not the head. That's a sidepenis. Me and Benny are working on ways of showing an underpenis. Maybe wearing only a low belt or something like that. We're open to suggetions.
And just like that, we create a complete new niche of penile-related entertainment. Like the sideboob, the underboob and all boob related semi-showing pictures, we can do this to our happy fellow. Instead of the nipple, we cover the head, and it's all ok, just the same. Fellows, get you speedos out of the closet, it's time to shine, to brave that limit between clothing and full exposure. Ladies (and all penis appreciating individuals), it's time you get something as excusable as those semi-nude under-side-no-nipples-boobs-so-it's-ok pictures to appreciate at work. "Hey, it's only skin, the head is under this skimpy thong, so it's ok, right?" you tell your underboob fan "friends". I myself don't give a damn. Since I came up with the concept I expect to make a million bucks through licencing and exposure of my own Woody Harrelson. No shame here.
Anyway, seriously, imagine the riot the internet would make if males were expected to see the under/side penis and think it's acceptable, just like the sideboob/underboob is. Yeah. I'd call it progress, but I think we're far from that point.
And before you come at me saying it's censorship or whatever, I seriously don't give a damn about seeing penises. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of "hey, no nipples, so it's not porn". If you're into it, I'm cool, but don't come tell me it's not about the sex appeal, 'cause it totally is. It's about getting as close as you can while being "safe". So, if you expect the side/underboob to be something acceptable or "safe for work", try to think about how you'd react to the side/underpenis.
Oh and yeah, to those that will say "huh penis equals vagina, not boobs" the thong is something seen as completely acceptable, as are those bikinis that can only be worn when a lady is completely waxed down there. Again, I'm not against nudity, I'm against hypocrisy. If you feel uncomfortable around male nudity, don't expect ladies to be ok around female nudity as if it's no big deal. Each person has their own problems and traumas. Let's try to respect that.
And seriously, why are men so afraid of seeing penises? Are they afraid of liking it? You've got to work your insecurities dudes.
To those of you who can draw and think we should storm the internet with drawings of under/sidepenises to fight this hypocritic shit, please, help me out here. I can't draw for shit, if I could, I'd draw a big fat one.
I'll be glad to know what you people think about the subject.
I don't know if you guys noticed but the chat is back.
THIS IS IMPORTANT OK?!
When I first came here I didn't know anyone, it was far before disqus so you ended up remembering a name or two from the comments. I remember mostly Stealth and Jimboxxx 'cause they were the funniest. But then the chat started to pop, and I, at work, started chatting up. DUUUUUUDE!
I made some wicked friends, like Phil, Seph, Fluorescent Bum, BananaGobbler, Jinxed, a lot of other folks (sorry, I drink a lot, but I stopped smoking pot so 10% of my brain is working sometimes, still, I forget a lot of stuff), I even named my crew and played FTL live, turning the experience into a blog. The chat is what made me really love Dtoid.
I mean, remember those blogs with caps from Idontrememberhisname saying shit like "every smoker should die"? I think it was Smithy that made those? Hymnnzin? Something like that. (FUCK YOU BRAIN).
When it went away I almost stopped coming here, for serious. Although Disqus helped keeping track of people, Outer Heaven was...well, it was the best ok, sorry guys.
When I was at work, when I was sad, everytime I felt like talking shit and laughing I'd come here 'cause it was a fun place.
AND NOW THE CHAT IS BACK!
I know it's not as easy like that little popup automatically window, but it's there, here, check it out:
I'm longjohnlong but also darkboner, it's a login I created in the dark souls wiki and it connected automatically here, but I'll stick to long john so you guys will know it's me. I don't know, what else can I say? You wanted it, it's back! Rejoice! Let's talk about dicks! Also, cocks!
P.S. can't get the picture to work, but it's there.
I know, it sounds like a bad joke, but it's serious.
Sony is holding a press conference here in Brazil and just announced that now they'll produce the PS3 inside our country, which will lower the price of the console to R$ 1099,00 (which converted to dollars is U$ 600,00). Seriously.
The reason for this? There's more than one actually. But I'm tired and no one wants to read that much about foreign tax policy, so let's make it simple.
Brazilian taxes are fucked up. We pay SO MUCH in taxes that we should have a public healthcare/transportation/school system as awesome as Canada but that's not what happens. Those, here, truly, really suck. Most of our taxes go to the politicians, who are not interested in changing this at all, of course. And why don't people vote for new politicians? Because the biggest part of the population barely has electricity and clean water, and votes on whoever promises them FOOD. It's not their fault, it's a system built to keep the corrupt in power.
That system, specially the tax policy, states that foreign products must pay some pretty absurd taxes, to "protect our market". Makes sense, right? But when you try to open your own industry, you pay almost the same amount of taxes. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. (Because the system was built some centuries ago, and instead of erasing the current one and building a new one, they keep implementing new taxes, so the politicians can keep their huge salaries). And if you try to buy software/parts/technology/anything from other countries to help your factory? Well, you pay both taxes, fuck you very much.
So what happens when Sony tries to avoid the import taxes by building a new factory here? Well, they're subject to the national taxes. Even if they truly built the whole console here (which I doubt that happens, I'd bet they bring the parts and just assemble it here, and it wouldn't be weird if THAT was the cheaper option) it wouldn't be much cheaper than importing it whole.
It's actually a bit more complicated, but I won't get in the taxes details, the main thing is, gaming in Brazil is fucking expensive, and around the world too. I don't want pity from anyone and I don't mean "you shouldn't complain you pay U$ 60,00 for a game", what I want to point out is that, if the richest countries in the world ain't ready for always online consoles, imagine the rest (even Brazil being a 3rd world country is still one of the best ones). My point is this industry is being ruled by a bunch of motherfuckers and I hope they break soon. I don't give a fuck if I don't see a new CoD or Battlefield or Ass's Creed ever again. If they don't care about the customer they don't deserve the money.
If you're curious, yes most of the people who play games here pirate it to the max. I play on PC because, believe it or not, it was cheaper to buy a gaming PC than a PS3 (it's easier to traffick computer parts than a whole console, so I bough part by part from some shady dudes, which is the common thing to do around here, sorry). I buy mostly from Steam for 2 reasons: 1. We don't have to pay import taxes on their digital store (a politician tried to implement those tho, and failed. He got to Amazon tho, which makes an import Ebook as expensive as a real one around here. Yeah, I know). 2 I buy mostly indie games, which are cheap and because I like to support those dudes. Yes, I'm one of those people that pirate an AAA game and buy it if I like it later on a Steam sale. Sorry, I truly do that.
Also, a friend of mine said that Sony is probably just trying to make back the money they lost with the PS Vita because they know there ARE people here who CAN and WILL pay all that for a PS3. There truly ARE, but the thing is those people already got one. If Sony really wanted to make money, they would sell it for a decent price and sell a lot more units...the thing is I believe they have no way to lower the price, given our tax policy.
Thanks for reading, sorry for any grammar errors, I'm willing to hear your corrections, I learned english by myself playing games and listening to music so my basic verbal grammar knowledge is kinda fucked up. And you wouldn't even believe if I told you guys how much cars cost around here. THAT is TRULY outrageous.
I was all like "hey I'm a cook so let's make some cookies" and then I did it.
But I used vegan butter instead of butter and then half of each cookie didn't cook and the other half burned so I got these terrible tasting pieces of shit. I can't give this to any girl, or person, not even people I don't like.
I mean, a punch on the face, ok, that's honest, but cookies that look good but actually taste like shit? That's not fair, at all.
And now I'll never get laid again, probably, because my cookies suck.
I'm not even joking, this just happened ):
So, then I found these gifs that are actually pretty cool, check them out:
They're all from this guy's tumblr so you should just go there if you like that kind of stuff:
Good day to you people that have loved ones and have sex and stuff, and to everyone else too.
At least I have wine, now that it's night I can drink it.
So I've decided to play Faster Than Light, and while talking to you guys at Outer Heaven, decided to make you guys my crew. My first trips were a disaster, until I found out how to move the characters around the ship.
So, I've decided to start a new trip, with Banana Gobbler and Kirari_Shiino(former Emshumi) on my crew. Stealth was in our first trip but he disappeared in space (Outer Heaven)
A little backstory of our crew: I'm the Captain, Han Solo Kick Ass style. Banana is my "Chewie", except he has four arms and says he's hung like something alien. He is forbidden of proving said fact, I believe his word.
Banana comes from an Alien planet where everyone is named after a phallic fruit. In said planet everyone is gay and heterossexuality is a crime. I decided to take him in, in the hopes of making money out of a porn movie with the only heterossexual from Phallic Planet. It didn't work.
So he joined me in my smuggling career. We smuggle bourbon and fleshlights (you wouldn't believe in how many alien races have penises. Also, cocks).
We took Shiino in because we needed someone responsible in our crew (and a medic/engineer). He's pretty much the most "normal" of us (at least so far).
So we decided to set sail like the space cowboys we are. In our first stop we found some slavers. They offered us some slave for 46 space bucks, but I said "fuck that" and we attacked them. It was a success. They gave us a slave in exchange for not killing them. They said if we didin't accept, we would be killing all the slaves along with them, so I accepted their request.
We got the Slave Luaan Ti, a mantis looking green haired chick which immediatly took a liking to Banana. I said "no fucking during the night" and hopefully they would follow my command. Ti proved herself a very capable engineer, despite having mantis claws for hands, and we went our merry way.
We had some fights but for a while everything was cool aboard S.S. Titanic Dick. Our next sector was a Mantis sector. I hoped for the best, but not them. At our first stop we were attacked by two Mantis dudes. They didn't mind Ti being one of them, and almost killed her. Almost.
We fought bravely and Banana ripped one of the guys with his bare (four) arms. I shot first 'cause
I'm fucking Long John Solo. Shit was cash. We soon found a trade spot in the middle of the Mantis system, refilled our tanks and left for the next one. It was an Engi sector, an allied one, so we were cool for a while. We escorted an allied ship and got some wares. Me and Shiino started getting a little jealous of Banana, and decided we would attack the next slaver we found in hopes of finding love in outer (heaven) space.
We had a few encounteers but none with chicks. We killed a lot of assholes though.
Our next sector was a Zoltan one. Allied sector, feisty chicks. Me and Shiino started thinking about red skinned freaks with three breasts. Banana and Ti were banging in the engine room (I put them there to avoid the noise, but it didnt work much) so I turned on the stereo and some Motorhead got us all pumped.
We pressed on, and in an asteroid belt some fuckers decided to attack us. We fought back bravely, but during the attack they damaged the engine room. Ti was there. Banana went there to stop the fire, but got caught himself on it. Banana died in the arms of his only love, and I killed those assholes, eyes filled with tears. My oldest friend died, but not without finding true love first. I drank to his courage, his boldness, and to his gigantic phallus, the only one in his species to ever touch a pussy. A human sized, green, mantis one.
We moved on. After that terrible day, Ti decided to stay in the engineering room and we respected her grievance. Banana's ashes were mixed with space rubber and turned into a giant, jolly, space mantis dildo. It's the least we could do. When we got to the next sector end there was a slaver ship waiting for us. Ti came to the control room, I could see the rage burning in her red mantis eyes.
We were all enraged. I decided to engange in combat. Kill those motherfuckers.
I should have thought through it. During the ensuing battle they sent two slaves to our ship, and while we fought them Ti manned the ship's guns. We won, but not without losing another life: Shiino died by my side, fighting that space scum.
He was just a naive kid, trying to find something in space. I really liked him. He was like a son to me, no, like a younger brother. He kept us light in the most unexpected of situations. Here I was, without my two friends. We managed to free a slave, a robot dude called GMFaux came aboard, but I felt very, very alone. I decided to see this trip to its end, in the honor of my friends. I put a bit of Shiino's ashes in a shot of bourbon, and fired the FTL systems to our next sector.
It was a pirate sector. We found a store, and I hired a chick, Lana, short haired, serious faced doctor. I always had a weak spot for tough chicks, but I was too sad to think about anything now. I sent her to the shield room, sent GM to the guns dock and lef Ti in her grievious engi room. Shit got rough soon after.
We soon engaged some space pirates in a fight that almost killed us all. We only made it because of I kept my skill even drunk, and managed to jump to lightspeed faster than our enemies. While everyone was recovering in the doctor's room I decided I had to stop drinkin so much if we were to survive. I had to do it, to honor my dead friends and my remaining crew. I promised never to let them down again.
Gm left, Ti left too. Lana came over to me and said she didn't respect men without inner strenght. She said she though I was just a drunken wino, but when she heard our story she found out I was more than that. I told her I was glad to have her aboard, that she was more than I deserved. We spent the night together and I woke up decided to be a better man, for the sake of everyone. She had amazing, perky, beautiful small breasts.
Unfortunately, our next encounter was with a huge pirate ship. They destroyed us, room by room, until I gathered everyone in the health room, opened a bottle of bourbon, and we drank to our fate. We would soon, hopefully, meet our dead friends, or at least join them in becoming space dust. I died, but I had found friendship, understanding and love, in the most inhumane of places, Outer (Heaven) Space.
Hey, I'm brazilian so sorry for my (lack of ) grammar. I learned english playing videogames (seriously). Anyway, Faster Than Light is an AMAZING game with some KICKASS music. Buy it if you can. The indie guys really deserve it. Seriously, so far my GOTY is Lone Survivor. Let's support those dudes, they're putting out some great stuff.
Thanks to all involved, I should have taken more pictures, I know, sorry. Hope you guys enjoy my little story.