hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


long john's blog

1:44 AM on 05.05.2015

About the question of "the meaning of life"

This started as a reponse to Jonathan Holmes article but turned out to be long and interesting (for me) so I decided to share it with you. I miss all of you and hope that with this you can get the feeling of "fuck is this guy that we miss? wtf is this? fuck him!"

Okay, seriously, the question presented in the trailer was "Is life meant to be shitty?" and's my short answer:


That is a question that intrigues me, more by the way it is worded than anything else.
I mean, if it was worded "is this what life is? shitty?" it would be clean enough, it would be saying "is this what life is then, shit happening all the time?", it would be coming to the conclusion not only that life is rough and unfair but also that that's the experience everyone else has. It sounds pretty empathethic and straight forward, sad but in a charming way, kinda like a Muddy Waters song.

But no, it asks "is life MEANT to be shitty?" which by itself asserts a very questionable point: that there IS a MEANING to life.
That is another interesting phrase, because "meaning" is something attributed to words and sentences, so to ask if "life" has a meaning, by itself, is as absurd as
asking "what's the meaning of dogs?" or "what is the taste of tuesday?".

That's just empty wording (yeah, I know that some people have intermeshed senses and can actually taste colors, but I'm talking about regular joes like most of us who
don't have that ability).

I'm a fan of poetry, it's beautiful to see words get new meanings, but this one ("the meaning of life") is not only meaningless (hah!) but very unoriginal.
To jump from this and say "yeah, WE ALL KNOW life has meaning, but was it meant to be shitty??!?" that's just narcisistic.
No, life has no "meaning", as a word it means "being alive", as anything else that phrasing doesn't make sense.

Alternate ways to say that would be "what's the point of life?" or "what's the mission of life?" or even better "what are the achievment requisites for life?"
(pro-tip: death).
No one's life was "meant to be" anything (talking semi seriously now) because life ain't a movie, there's no plot, no writer and no one is a protagonist. That's just
narcisism mixed up with a bad understanding of religion.
There's no objective to life, living itself is all there is to it.

The sentence "is life meant to be shitty?" is actually saying "MY life shouldn't be THIS shitty! that's not the way I see stuff happening in movies and other people's
lives!" which is basically teenage misunderstanding of how life is hard and how we only remember(or even get to know) the good stuff in other people's lives and how
our mind is directed to remembering good things or bad things, depending on what we are trying to justify.

More to the point: we are always trying to make sense of things that happen to us and all around us. We try to put things in an order and construct a narrative
because as humans, WE DO THAT TO EVERYTHING. That's our way of understanding things: we assess quantities, qualities, anything that can be used to discern where one
thing ends and the other starts.

When we find there's a way to represent stuff numerically, we try to represent EVERYTHING numerically, that's how JRPG fascinate most of us: every thing is well
defined, you can know exactly what will kill you and what won't, who's exactly how much stronger than who, everything MAKES SENSE.
We do the same with time (this happened in this date, so it was before this, so perhaps what will come after it is...)
We do it with words too, we can only UNDERSTAND thoughts that we have WORDS to define. Which is why we like to write and talk about stuff, to find ways to explain
stuff to ourselves and to others (but mostly to ourselves).

So, of course, seeing we can quantify and qualify so much stuff, how come we wouldn't try to do it with life?
Humanity is always trying to define and understand what came before and after an event, so we can predict how and when will it happen again. That we do this by
itself is pretty bizarre, but that's the way we found to be sure of things: if it happens always in a way, there's a chance it will happen again that way.
So, we jump ahead and ask "why did this happen?".

Some times that makes sense. "Why is my dick hard? Because I'm looking at the things that make me feel excited". But sometimes "Why?" is the wrong question.
It's like asking "Why is spaghetti?" instead of asking "how come this motherfucker decided to turn pizza into thin, long, cylinders?". That's a pretty simple way to
put it, but I think you get my point.

"What is the meaning of life?" or "was life meant to be shitty?" are terrible questions. Asking "how come did I ended up in this shitty moment of life?" and "how
do I get out of it without using drugs?" are more intelligent questions.

But you need to be RESPONSIBLE for what happens to you to ask these questions.
When a person doesn't want to be responsible for what happened, neither for what is going to happen, even if they don't believe in god, they will put it in a way that
disavows themselves and put their lives in the hands of some mysterious and vague non entity (like "was life meant to be shitty?").

Usually these are followed by sad drawings/emo songs and prefaced by a parent forbidding someone from going somewhere they shouldn't be anyway.
So yeah, this answers the real question: not WHY but HOW can you tell someone is still a teenager? They refuse to take responsibility but expect to be taken seriously.
And this is not about age. It's about how you deal with what happens with you. Because that's better phrasing. Things don't happen TO you, they happen WITH you.

Love you all folks!


10:19 PM on 04.13.2015

Sorry, I've been away :(

Yeah, I'm a douchebag

I'm sorry friends, I've been working and studying a lot and been away from here :(
I promised (and was even featured by Strider in the interesting blogs recap! ;___;) to make my interview blog a regular thing, but I haven't had a regular life.

My Boss is leaving the country (he's going to Oregon, kick his ass for me) and my dream job is going to end in June :( so in the meanwhile we're recording a lot of albums and I am putting together a music festival. 
I've also just made an internetional credit card so I can finally put my music and Bandcamp and sell it to anyone willing to inflict dementia on themselves and PAY FOR IT! :D

Also I've got my drummer back (from rehab, for reals, he sold his last drum for coke money years ago) and we're writing new songs, rehearsing and recording them so yeah. I'm back into the music life, and it's fucking me up the ass since I have to attend night school and...

Fuck, I'm sorry, this reads like a real asshole bunch of excuses, I just meant to say I'm sorry for abandoning this wonderful place and all the friends I've made here. I am also sorry for leaving my blog/podcast behind.
Really, I'm sorry friends :(

I've been meaning to get back here, and I did it today after reading the news that Andy is leaving the board of dickrectors :(
Man that's a lot of sad faces and no pictures. So check this out:

This is Ludwig Wittgenstein, he's a really cool dude. I've been reading philosophy, his philosophical investigations to be precise, and dude, it kicks ass. The guy is a badass.

Anyway. I'll try to stay active and record soon. I've been more on Twitter since I can use it on my cellphone, but I don't want to subject you guys to the torrent of portuguese nonsense I post there. I don't know how the folks that follow me can stand it (thanks Julien Gabrien and Jawsh, I won't take it personally if you unfollow me). Anyway, if I disappear again contact me through twitter (@stereosaur), or skype ([email protected]) (though I haven't accessed it for a while, I promised a soundtrack to that Dtoid game maker and wasn't able to finish it, I'm so ashamed :() or perhaps email ([email protected]).

Well, just to say I'm alive and sorry. Also, read philosophy guys, you'll feel compelled to drop online discussions. It feels liberating as fuck.

Here's another picture of Wittgenstein from when he was a kid and went to school with Hitler:

Told ya he was a badass.
The guy literally went to school with fucking godwin's law and didn't give a fuck about him, going on to discuss semantics with his idols and telling them to eat dick.

How hilarious would it be if Hitler was the first troll butthurt because someone declined to argue with him?

Fuck yeah. Much Love to you folks.


5:35 PM on 01.14.2015

Community Interviews Podcast - Alphadeus

Hai friends!
So, yesterday I recorder with Alphadeus, and people, it was great!
I shouldn't be surprised everytime I to talk to Dtoid people and find they're as
awesome as they seem to be, but it's so cool to talk to someone you only know
through comments and meet a new friend, I'm really happy to do this. I will try to
keep this schedule of recording on tuesdays!

For the people who don't know him, Alphadeus is a musician and he made a lot of
albums, three of them about gamers (that's us!, I mean, seriously, he made specific
songs for Dtoid users, it's awesome!) and I reccomend listening to his stuff. I
myself have yet to listen to all of it, I was listening to the latest Songs For
Gamers (Volume III) lately and it sure is awesome. I even used a song from it for
the opening of the podcast (the 9th track, "A Knight and his Synth" (for Gajknight))
and I think you guys will enjoy it. He sure shows these dudes that try to make 16bit
music how to make REAL music.

So, I found out a lot of stuff about Alpha, he's a really great person and one of
those artists that you WANT them to be rich, but they just want to get by. I think I
understand the thought process behind that, it's really bad to associate art and
money, and real artists just want their stuff to be seen by the biggest possible
number of people (which helps when it's free), but I really want all my artist
friends to make enough money so they don't have to get a day job that wrecks their
creativity and energy. So, Alpha himself talks about that on the podcast, and about
how bandcamp works for artists. So pay him a visit on youtube
( ) or Bandcamp ( ) and if you can, drop a dollar or two so he can keep
making awesome music. Just don't tell him about it :p

We also talked about other kinds of music he did, about videogames (I swear we
did!), about the great musician cat Alpha has and about some problems with
depression. I tried to relate some experiences I had with mental health, I hope I
didn't cut Alpha too much, because he talked about a lot of interesting stuff and it is really nice
to see someone finding the right mix of medication in those situations. I hope you
keep getting better Alpha and never have to leave the internet again, but if you do,
know that you have a lot of people cheering for you to get better man. You're
awesome and so fun to talk to! Thanks for taking you're time to do this.

On the technical side, I found out the problem is my mic, so yeah, there's a
insistent noise on it, I even made two mixes, one in stereo (where you can hear the
noise on the left side only, with my voice) and a mono one (where the noise comes
from both sides, but the voices too). You guys can pick both and see what works
best, I'll get a new mic for the next podcast. I'm sorry for this issue :(
There was also a break on the connection around the middle, so I added more of the intro song for your pleasure :P And yeah, I used more than the usual "ten seconds intro" because I really dig Alpha's stuff, I think you guys will understand when you listen to it.

Unfortunately we weren't able to answer all questions because we recorded before
some of them, but Alpha took to answering them right on the blog. He's a really
great dude.

So, below are the links for both mixes, and if you didn't, listen to the first
episode where I talked to the great Retrofraction! Hope you enjoy! Bai friends :)

Edit: Following Alphadeus' tip, I used Audacity to take most of the noise out and now the recording can be much better heard :D To download the new version click here 
Thanks again Alpha! Sorry for the hassle folks ;(

And if anyone wants to be interviewed, drop me a PM or add me on Skype, I'm [email protected] (tell me what's your Dtoid nickname there so I can recognize you :p).
I have some guys on the list already, but I want to talk to everyone if possible! Love to all :)


7:55 PM on 01.12.2015

I'm recording tomorrow with Alphadeus! Send Questions!

Hai friends!

I'm back and as I apologized for not getting some interviews last year, now is the time to get the ball rolling. And since we are all so lucky to have the magnificent Alphadeus in our community, he was so kind as to agree to participate in my podcast. And we're recording tomorrow! 

So send us some questions! I'll be sure to ask him about music stuff because I'm crazy for that and so is him, but we'll get around to stuff like how do I know where his avatar is from and how to pronounce his nickname and more (seriously, I'm brazilian, you guys have to excuse my accent).

Anyways, again, this is my project to interview the community in podcast format, so anyone interested in being interviewed send me a PM or add me at [email protected]

For the first episode featuring Retrofraction check this out

And for the unbeliavable Alphadeus's music, check out his blog you dummies! For your health! (this is a reference, you people all rule, sorry).

Here's Wiseau petting a dog


9:43 PM on 12.24.2014

Comunity apology: regarding my podcast

Bob Dylan and Santa

How are you friends? Let me tell you, I've been busy :(
I promised to record as many podcast interviews with the comunity as possible until christmas and I wasn't able to record anymore yet :( 

I was working until the 23th and will work again on the 26th. That's no excuse, but I work in a recording studio and the sessions have gone until late. There's a chick doing a record there and stuff is tense.

Anyway, I apologize to everyone, I promise I'll get back to this project as soon as possible.
I want to talk to all of you. Even the people I made mad in any occasion, I think a good live conversation can solve a lot of internet comment discussions.

So, while that doesn't happen, check my earlier blog, where I interviewed Retrofraction. That dude rules.

In the meantime, I'll leave you guys with two songs. The first one is one of my favourite Guide By Voices songs, and to me is the perfect Dtoid anthem:

The other one is this video that took me by surprise of Bob Dylan enjoying Xmas. It says all the profit from this album is going to charity and stuff, so yeah, that's cool too. I love Dylan, btw:

So I wish a Merry Christmas to all of you, I love everyone that talks to me here and I'll promise I'll talk to you guys as soon as possible. Anyone interested in being interviewed add me on Skype: [email protected]

P.S. Thanks Phil, Agent9 and MrDandyMan for all the gifts, you guys are amazing people. It means a lot more than money to me, you guys are seriously beautiful. <3


8:15 PM on 12.09.2014

DTOID Community on the Spot - Retrofraction

it's hard being torn apart by a long john

SOOOOOO...What's up Dtoid?

I'm doing fine, thanks! As you guys might now I was one of the fans of the classic Not'Toid where Occams, Zombie Orwell and Benny Disco did a Podcast together. I've been trying to ignite some kind of project with Benny but my hours have been pretty crazy, so I decided to do a diferent thing: start a podcast in which, at every edition, I talk to a different member of the community. It's kind of the roguelike of podcasts. 

So, to kickstart this thing (no, I won't ask for money, I mean kickstart like the Motley Crue song Kickstart my Heart), we have our friend Retrofraction talking about his experiences with gaming and at Destructoid. 

You guys might be surprised, but Retro is actually here since 2006. We mention ancient history in this podcast! We try to remember in which event Niero was trying to get into when he started Dtoid! We talk about our friends that left Dtoid and the epic flame wars that were lost when Disqus was implemented! We also talk about our favourite games ever! Can you guess what mine is?


Anyway, I'd like to thank Retro for his participation, and I'd also like to invite you guys to participate in this! Anyone interested in talking about their experiences with Dtoid and videogames in general are welcome, PM me and we'll set up a date and time! I'll try to record as many episodes I can as a Christmas present to the community, but I'll keep doing them after the holidays too, so don't fret, you'll all get a chance to be part of the new frenzy in the gaming podcast community! 

We actually talk about how cool it is to talk to someone you know online, how it gives you a sense of real interaction, so that's the thing I'm trying to do here: let's all listen to what this community has to say and feel as if we're all in a big sauna room talking about cocks videogames!

Also, if you have an idea for the name of this thing, you're welcome to share it with us, the best idea will get a...well, we'll think of something. I can give you a signed picture of my dog.

So thanks for your time, and give it a listen, even if my jokes suck I promise you'll laugh a lot of my english pronunciation. The blogosphere is already calling me the "Tommy Wiseau of videogames".
Oh, and if you never did, go play Turrican, it's a great series! 

man, I miss these art drawing covers

I'm posting this at 4shared, if anyone has a better idea, please let me know! Love y'all!

EDIT: Ok, two things!
First: everyone is more than welcome to participate, it's my pleasure to do this, so anyone interested in recording, add me on skype ( [email protected] ) and send me a message saying who you are. If you can, tell me your timezone too so I can schedule this better. Let's do this! :D

Second: Not everyone can get 4shared to work so I'm creating a MEGA account to upload the episodes. This first episode is here: Episode 1


8:20 PM on 10.20.2014

So, I'm working on videogames now :D

How are you my friends? Long John here. It's been a while!

Steve Albini and a cat. Even Steve Albini loves cats.
(Even Steve Albini can't resist cats. And he pretty much hates everything.)

So, I'm really busy. I got the job of my dreams: I'm working in a music recording studio!
After all the stuff I did ( it sure feels good to find a way to work with what I love without going crazy. That's hard, you know?

So, I'm also going to night school (night university kinda) and am learning a shitload of stuff about doing videos and music. It's really cool guys! I feel like Steve Albini.

I have pretty much no time left in my days, but that didn't stop me from trying a career in videogame music anyway, cause I'm a masochist! :D

I started by doing this song for Porpentine ( ) and have been tinkering with some music making programs (and a two octave midi keyboard). I tell you guys, that shit is fun. I might go into rap later (Heard that Occams? We could make a Dtoid rap supergroup like Public Indecency or something like that)

that's Rick Rubin btw
(that's Rick Rubin btw)
((the white bearded santa on the right))

Anyway, I'm here to talk about the game I'm working on. It's called Iron Fire and it came to my attention through another Dtoid user making a blog about it. I talked to him, and now I'm part of the team. Sadly the Kickstarter has a long way to go, but these guys are pretty cool, so I told them that we should try greenlight if the kickstarter doesn't work. They are still in need of help with art and programming, so if anyone wants in, contact Flame Ridge, here or on Skype, he's a pretty cool dude.

The game they're making is called Iron Fire and it has some pretty cool elements to it. Personally it reminds me of Total Annihilation a game I liked a lot when I was younger. Do you guys remember when Warcraft turned into Warcraft 3 and later Dota? They're going for something similar, but using Starcraft II as base engine. But they don't want to go exclusively MOBA. Check the Kickstarter page, I'm not good at pitching stuff:

I think it's a pretty cool project, so I said "hey guys, I can make a couple of songs" and I'm doing that. Right now I'm not thinking about getting paid, but IF the game makes it, I'll get myself a Avid Mbox so I can get my ass into Pro Tools and be a REAL producer. I'm telling you guys, Rick Rubin will be a no one when I get into the scene. ( I meant to say that if I get any money of this I won't spend on drugs or hookers, just more hardware, but if I don't it's okay, I'm making a name for myself and this is the break I needed.)

So, I understand Kickstarter is hard and everything, I'll just ask you guys that if you're not interested in the game, could you help me spread the word? That's all we need right now. Thanks for you patience!

Oh, I'll be also recording some voice work, so if you guys want to do some crazy voices and be in a game, I can make that work :D I don't know if the script will include mentions of space sausages or any Spaceballs reference, but we can make it fun anyway!

Thanks again and much love to you all!

This is Butch Vig. Nevermind that he produced NEVERMIND.  (if you want these kinds of jokes to stop polluting the internet, get me money so I'll be working full time and have no time to talk shit like this.)

This is Butch Vig. Nevermind that he produced NEVERMIND.
(if you want these kinds of jokes to stop polluting the internet, get me money so I'll be working full time and have no time to talk shit like this.)


9:25 PM on 05.12.2014

10 inches of long john

Hello my friends! Stay a while and listen...

So, I've been here for some years but never properly introduced myself. I'm not a big fan of talking in lenghts (ha!) about me, but I'm not feeling very good and thought maybe this is an oportunity to introspect a little. Also, for weiner jokes. So let's-a go:

1 - I'm brazilian

Yeah, I know, huehue, etc. I'm not one of those dudes, actually I barely play online, I played a lot of Quake TF, UT'99 and TFC but these days there's not many online games that interest me, and the latency usually fucks it up. TF2 is kinda fun but not so much, and I cannot deal with servers with respawn wait. I know, I'm dumb, sorry. 

Anyways, being brazilian is interesting because I see things from outside, I play mostly on PC because consoles are expensive as fuck here, PC's are expensive too but it's always easier to smuggle a RAM chip so in the "black market" it ends up being worthwhile being a PC gamer. Also, there's no console that comes here and stays unpirated (I'd say that's thanks to the huge chinese populace here, but I can't be sure. Anyway, piracy is rampant and it's all cool. There's a guy selling Xbox 360 games and porn dvd's around my block, another one that unblocks PS3's and 360's on the next block (PS3 pirates usually use external HDs to store games), it's very very regular around here. I'm sorry for those that think this is outrageous, I think the industry already accepted that, actually MS is the one that tries to do stuff to lower prices around here, but the government is retarded.

Well, just meant to say that it's interesting seeing things from here. Sometimes it's sad, I wish I could attend events and meet up with you folks, but that's probably never going to happen, but I'm happy to have met such an amount of amazing people even from afar. Gives me hope for humanity and stuff.

Also, I learned english mostly from playing games, reading and looking up music lyrics. People who say games are bad for you are ignorants. I learned a crucial skill gaming, something that to this day amazes every job interviewer I meet. I'm not THAT good, it's just that I feel secure enough speaking in english and as you know, company assholes love people that can do stuff and make it look like it's no sweat. I even taught english for a while, and I'm shit at grammar. But it seems I learned a lot with my "stupid nerd pasttimes". Yeah, eat a dick jocks. I'm a badass. I also play guitar, am in a band and fuck all their sisters. Well, going on:

2 - I was once a videogame journalist

(Hunter S. Thompson, John Cusack, Johnny Depp and an inflatable sex doll on a convertible car. That's the life of a videogame journalist, pretty much. Also, that's from a pretty cool documentary on Thompson.)

Yeah, I see a lot of folks around here that aspire to that, and I won't say don't do it, I'll just say it changes the way you feel about playing videogames. Gaming is actually my third passion, my first one is music and the second one literature.

I tried working with both of those, with varying degrees of success, and the hardest part is that you have to change the way you relate to the stuff you love. No one tells you that. You have to accept that a music student will want to learn Fall Out Boy or that you'll have to translate a Twilight book, stuff like that. Works make you prostitute yourself, and when you work with what you love, unless you're lucky enough to become a famous artist, you'll have to accept that. And even if you become famous, you may not have to prostitute your work, but you'll have to do that with your time. Being famous means going to places to be seen and hang around people you'll hate. As you can see I never want to be famous. I wish I could live of writing or playing, but I hat the idea of fame and everything that comes with it. I don't mean to say "don't do it" to anyone, it's the kind of thing you have to deal with to see if you CAN deal with, I'm just saying that I learned a lot through working with what I love, and it made me want to work with things I don't love, so I can say "fuck it" and don't feel bad about it.

Anyway, my point is, being a gaming journo involves a lot of stuff most people don't want to deal with. You'll have to talk to PR people from all kinds of companies. Even if you hate Titanfall (as an example) you'll HAVE to play it and feature it on your website, because if you don't people won't come to it and you won't have anything to eat. That's why I have a website today that's just a blog. I don't live of it, so I can write only when I want and about what I want. You want to make gaming journalism your main profession, you'll have to take the "bad" with it. And seriously, playing and writing about bad games is still better than working the counter at a bakery. Trust me on that, ok?

I don't mean to make anyone sad, it's just that that's part of growing up, and I too learned it the hard way. Any job has (a lot of) downsides. Accepting that is what means being an adult. So next time you want to critique a game, or EA, fire it up, go ahead, they ARE capitalist scumbags, just don't diss our writers and editors, they're giving their blood for us and trying to make a living out of this. They can't ignore the biggest stuff out there.

They have to write about everything, even if they don't like it, they can't say "EA is shit" and give it a 0/10, they have to be fair and professional about every game. I got tired of that, and had a lot of problems with the people that do that around here (imagine every site is IGN, US gaming journo's are lightyears ahead of us), but I admire all the folks that balance working and personally loving games at Dtoid, which is why is the only gaming news website I visit. In short, hate the game, not the playas, ok?

Yeah, I tend to write a lot, sorry folks. I think I wont have ten things as long as this anyway. Speaking of that...

3 - I'm a short dude

It may sound funny because of my screen name, but I'm short as fuck. 5 foot 3 or somthing, in american standards. 1,65 to the rest of the world. I used to be bothered by that, specially in school, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I mean, if I were different I would be a completely different person, and I don't know if I would be who I am that way. I learned a lot about myself this way, about jealousy, projection, insecurity, about blaming other people for my problems, and I like the place I am right now so, I'm cool with how I am. I also had an operation for scoliosis as a kid, so my back looks like this

Yeah, I didn't ask for any of this, so don't fuck with me. I'm short, hairy, and have titanium on my bones. I'm the closest you can get to Wolverine in real life.

Seriously, they gave me morfine for a week at the hospital, that shit is awesome. Totally worth it.

Oh and my screen name comes from a brand of whisky me and my brother used to drink. It doesn't sell anymore in brazil, but I've heard it's still around in europe or something.

4 - I love music and literature

Yeah, I've said that already, but I really do. Me and my brother started playing listening to my father's LPs and game music. My bro picked up a bass trying to play Toejam & Earl and we went from that to Chili Peppers and Funkadelic. My father had some awesome vinyls from the Stones, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, and we went with that. I studied music in a university but droped after two years, after checking out the kind of jobs I'd end up getting. Anyway.

There's a cool story about that. About the time Toejam & Earl 3 was about to come out, my brother sent an email to the dude that did the soundtrack and said we loved the games from the genesis era, that we didn't have an Xbox but we were happy to see it finally coming to life (the game stood in development hell for years, we had a dreamcast in hopes it would come to it, but it never did until recently), that we started playing to those tunes back in the '90s, etcetera.

So. The dude went up and sent us a letter with a CD with the full soundtrack. Two kids in Brazil. I tears me up to this day, it was one of the most amazing things that ever happened in my life. Which goes to show, even if a lot of people are assholes, there are people who are worth your time. Also, try knowing and talking to your favourite devs. I'm sure they are happy to know how much their games had an influence on your life. Thinking now, that dude must have been pretty happy that these two kids learned music to his tunes and sent him an email from brazil just to say that. Love goes around bros.

I won't talk much about literature, just that my favourite writer ever is Dostoievsky and my favourite book "The Idiot". I also love Phillip Roth, Camus, Celine, Bukowski, Sylvia Plath, T.S. Elliot, Wittgenstein, Phillip K. Dick, Joseph Heller, George Orwell, Hemingway, Chekov, Twain, Herman Hesse, Hunter S. Thompson, Rimbaud...I'll stop now, but I guess you can get my kind of thing.

5 - I love weird games

I started playing on the Atari and went through most consoles since then. I always loved crazy ass games that weren't as polished as the most famous ones, but that did different things. The 16 bit era had a lot of those, the first playstation too. Games like Bubba & Stix, Toejam & Earl, Pepsiman, Deception, King's Field (what would be of Dark Souls if not for them?), Wild 9, Urban Chaos, Rampage, Silhouette Mirage etcetera.

I miss those times, when there was medium budget games and budget games all around. There were a shitload of great bizare games, a lot more of variety. I mean, a game like MDK or Jet Set Radio today? Would end up as a kickstarter. I'm sad for the young generations that won't get the feeling of those crazy ass games. I mean, there's a lot of that on the indie scene, but it will take a long time until they can match those great games, specially because 3D is still hard and expensive to do. Also, the japanese crazy scene disappeared (mostly because it's expensive as fuck to game games, so outside of a bloated economy like the US economy it's almost impossible to keep doing them).

Still, the indie scene is what gives me hope. I barely play "new" games these days. Can't take anymore boring FPSs or gritty mature games, I'm tired of those. I'm a 90's dude, I remember when making fun of that was still fun (even games like Doom and Twisted Metal had a sense of humor). It feels as if the world is taking itself too seriously, and I surely don't have fun with that. All these serious shooters make me think about Nirvana's "In Bloom". Too much insecurity guys. I also think Bioshock is dumb as fuck, so sorry folks. System Shock was better, in every way. So that's me, videogame wise.

6 - Once upon a time a did a shitload of drugs, for a long time

I write a lot about this but then I noticed it was just me pitying myself. In short, I did weed and coke and drank for about 8 years of my life, and it was kind of a waste. I mean, it was awesome, but I was depressed, I couldn't get anything done, I had problems with my stomach, but it's no excuse. I didn't notice how fucked up I was until I got really depressed and couldn't leave the house.  Now I'm clean, I drink, but not everyday, and I got my band back together, wrote a shitload of short stories and am writing a book. In two years I got back almost all the time I wasted, but still, it was a waste. I don't like people telling me what to do, and I won't tell anyone how to lead their lifes. Just pay attention folks. Once you start doing drugs to become normal, instead of doing them to get out of the regular you, then it becomes another job, and it's a pretty bad one.
If anything, avoid doing them every day. That's when shit becomes fucked up. But I don't like being preachy, so let's leave this subject.

7 - I like tea

Yeah, who would've thought huh?
Coffee fucks up my stomach, milk too, I have a really fucked up stomach (one of the reasons I loved drugs) so I drink a lot of tea. Tea rules. Also, when your hungover, the best shit is orange juice or tea with honey. Seriously motherfuckers, try it for yourselves. You're welcome.

8 - I had a lot of oddbjobs

Music didn't work as a career so I said "fuck it". I was a cook, a baker, a law library clerk, I sold english courses, I did excel work for big companies, I worked on a motivational course for executives (that shit is hilarious, it's like training dogs to bark math, I never want to be an executive, good lord), I taught music, I played guitar for a really bad folk singer, I did proofreading, I translated walkthroughs from gamefaqs for a real famous brazilian videogame magazine (and they sold it as their work), I was a gaming journalist, I was a clerk in other places, you get the idea. Right now I'm studying recording and editing audio and video, I really like it and wish I could work with it, but I don't know if it will work out. I hope I can finish my first book within the year and get a new drummer soon. A job is a job. It's just money so I can do what I really want to do. Once I got into this mindset, everything became a lot easier. Sometimes working with what you love can kill your passion, so fuck that if you're like me. Get an oddjob and get your passion out, truthfully, no compromises, in your spare time. I'm sure that's how Dtoid got to be what it is, instead of just being another IGN.

9 - my dog rules

Seriously, look at this motherfucker. It's a stray female, I've had her for 6 years now. At the height of my depression this little thing saved my mind. Animals rule. This dog rules. And yeah, it looks like a black corgi. I love her.

10 - here's my big ten inch

Well, thanks for sticking through all this. Sorry if I write a lot, I was going to write a lot more but I felt like an asshole after reading everyone's blogs, so I deleted a lot of shit about my drug years and etcetera. Maybe I'll put it in a book or something one day. Well, I love this place, been here since 2011, and I love you all, so without further ado, here's my big ten inch, hope you guys like it:

LOVE YOU ALL!   read

9:16 PM on 01.28.2014

[NVGR]Underboob? I want the Underpenis!

Disclaimer: this blog talks about penis. If that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you stop now. No graphic sex or anything, but there's some descriptions of morning oak and speedo wearing, so, yeah, you've been warned. Also, cocks

So persons and non-human lifeforms. I was thinking about life, about the mysteries of the sexytime we all abide to sooner or later and came upon a realization. We need to develop the Underpenis.

I was talking to Benny Disco, my friend and colleague in the field of advanced knowledge known as "madness", and I came upon the realization that we could have, just like the sideboob, the sidepenis. If you're a penis-sporting-human you probably even did it, at least once.

Imagine the scene, you wake up, and you notice your nether regions friend woke up before you. You're wearing common underpants, the ones that look like a speedo (I don't know the name of those, I learned english from Tommy Wiseau by the way). So, The Thing is hard, and pointing forward, straining the fabric. The hole where your leg fits is strained, and if there's someone with you they can see the side of the shaft, but not the head. That's a sidepenis. Me and Benny are working on ways of showing an underpenis. Maybe wearing only a low belt or something like that. We're open to suggetions.

And just like that, we create a complete new niche of penile-related entertainment. Like the sideboob, the underboob and all boob related semi-showing pictures, we can do this to our happy fellow. Instead of the nipple, we cover the head, and it's all ok, just the same. Fellows, get you speedos out of the closet, it's time to shine, to brave that limit between clothing and full exposure. Ladies (and all penis appreciating individuals), it's time you get something as excusable as those semi-nude under-side-no-nipples-boobs-so-it's-ok pictures to appreciate at work. "Hey, it's only skin, the head is under this skimpy thong, so it's ok, right?" you tell your underboob fan "friends". I myself don't give a damn. Since I came up with the concept I expect to make a million bucks through licencing and exposure of my own Woody Harrelson. No shame here.

Anyway, seriously, imagine the riot the internet would make if males were expected to see the under/side penis and think it's acceptable, just like the sideboob/underboob is. Yeah. I'd call it progress, but I think we're far from that point.

And before you come at me saying it's censorship or whatever, I seriously don't give a damn about seeing penises. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of "hey, no nipples, so it's not porn". If you're into it, I'm cool, but don't come tell me it's not about the sex appeal, 'cause it totally is. It's about getting as close as you can while being "safe". So, if you expect the side/underboob to be something acceptable or "safe for work", try to think about how you'd react to the side/underpenis.

Oh and yeah, to those that will say "huh penis equals vagina, not boobs" the thong is something seen as completely acceptable, as are those bikinis that can only be worn when a lady is completely waxed down there. Again, I'm not against nudity, I'm against hypocrisy. If you feel uncomfortable around male nudity, don't expect ladies to be ok around female nudity as if it's no big deal. Each person has their own problems and traumas. Let's try to respect that.

And seriously, why are men so afraid of seeing penises? Are they afraid of liking it? You've got to work your insecurities dudes.

To those of you who can draw and think we should storm the internet with drawings of under/sidepenises to fight this hypocritic shit, please, help me out here. I can't draw for shit, if I could, I'd draw a big fat one.

I'll be glad to know what you people think about the subject.   read

6:05 PM on 10.20.2013


[img]<img src=[/img]

I don't know if you guys noticed but the chat is back.


When I first came here I didn't know anyone, it was far before disqus so you ended up remembering a name or two from the comments. I remember mostly Stealth and Jimboxxx 'cause they were the funniest. But then the chat started to pop, and I, at work, started chatting up. DUUUUUUDE!

I made some wicked friends, like Phil, Seph, Fluorescent Bum, BananaGobbler, Jinxed, a lot of other folks (sorry, I drink a lot, but I stopped smoking pot so 10% of my brain is working sometimes, still, I forget a lot of stuff), I even named my crew and played FTL live, turning the experience into a blog. The chat is what made me really love Dtoid.

I mean, remember those blogs with caps from Idontrememberhisname saying shit like "every smoker should die"? I think it was Smithy that made those? Hymnnzin? Something like that. (FUCK YOU BRAIN).

When it went away I almost stopped coming here, for serious. Although Disqus helped keeping track of people, Outer Heaven was...well, it was the best ok, sorry guys.

When I was at work, when I was sad, everytime I felt like talking shit and laughing I'd come here 'cause it was a fun place.


I know it's not as easy like that little popup automatically window, but it's there, here, check it out:

I'm longjohnlong but also darkboner, it's a login I created in the dark souls wiki and it connected automatically here, but I'll stick to long john so you guys will know it's me. I don't know, what else can I say? You wanted it, it's back! Rejoice! Let's talk about dicks! Also, cocks!

P.S. can't get the picture to work, but it's there.   read

5:36 PM on 05.07.2013

Would you pay U$ 600,00 for a PS3?

I know, it sounds like a bad joke, but it's serious.

Sony is holding a press conference here in Brazil and just announced that now they'll produce the PS3 inside our country, which will lower the price of the console to R$ 1099,00 (which converted to dollars is U$ 600,00). Seriously.

The reason for this? There's more than one actually. But I'm tired and no one wants to read that much about foreign tax policy, so let's make it simple.

Brazilian taxes are fucked up. We pay SO MUCH in taxes that we should have a public healthcare/transportation/school system as awesome as Canada but that's not what happens. Those, here, truly, really suck. Most of our taxes go to the politicians, who are not interested in changing this at all, of course. And why don't people vote for new politicians? Because the biggest part of the population barely has electricity and clean water, and votes on whoever promises them FOOD. It's not their fault, it's a system built to keep the corrupt in power.

That system, specially the tax policy, states that foreign products must pay some pretty absurd taxes, to "protect our market". Makes sense, right? But when you try to open your own industry, you pay almost the same amount of taxes. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. (Because the system was built some centuries ago, and instead of erasing the current one and building a new one, they keep implementing new taxes, so the politicians can keep their huge salaries). And if you try to buy software/parts/technology/anything from other countries to help your factory? Well, you pay both taxes, fuck you very much.

So what happens when Sony tries to avoid the import taxes by building a new factory here? Well, they're subject to the national taxes. Even if they truly built the whole console here (which I doubt that happens, I'd bet they bring the parts and just assemble it here, and it wouldn't be weird if THAT was the cheaper option) it wouldn't be much cheaper than importing it whole.

It's actually a bit more complicated, but I won't get in the taxes details, the main thing is, gaming in Brazil is fucking expensive, and around the world too. I don't want pity from anyone and I don't mean "you shouldn't complain you pay U$ 60,00 for a game", what I want to point out is that, if the richest countries in the world ain't ready for always online consoles, imagine the rest (even Brazil being a 3rd world country is still one of the best ones). My point is this industry is being ruled by a bunch of motherfuckers and I hope they break soon. I don't give a fuck if I don't see a new CoD or Battlefield or Ass's Creed ever again. If they don't care about the customer they don't deserve the money.

If you're curious, yes most of the people who play games here pirate it to the max. I play on PC because, believe it or not, it was cheaper to buy a gaming PC than a PS3 (it's easier to traffick computer parts than a whole console, so I bough part by part from some shady dudes, which is the common thing to do around here, sorry). I buy mostly from Steam for 2 reasons: 1. We don't have to pay import taxes on their digital store (a politician tried to implement those tho, and failed. He got to Amazon tho, which makes an import Ebook as expensive as a real one around here. Yeah, I know). 2 I buy mostly indie games, which are cheap and because I like to support those dudes. Yes, I'm one of those people that pirate an AAA game and buy it if I like it later on a Steam sale. Sorry, I truly do that.

Also, a friend of mine said that Sony is probably just trying to make back the money they lost with the PS Vita because they know there ARE people here who CAN and WILL pay all that for a PS3. There truly ARE, but the thing is those people already got one. If Sony really wanted to make money, they would sell it for a decent price and sell a lot more units...the thing is I believe they have no way to lower the price, given our tax policy.

Thanks for reading, sorry for any grammar errors, I'm willing to hear your corrections, I learned english by myself playing games and listening to music so my basic verbal grammar knowledge is kinda fucked up. And you wouldn't even believe if I told you guys how much cars cost around here. THAT is TRULY outrageous.   read

5:40 PM on 04.01.2013

I was making cookies but I fucked up

I was all like "hey I'm a cook so let's make some cookies" and then I did it.

But I used vegan butter instead of butter and then half of each cookie didn't cook and the other half burned so I got these terrible tasting pieces of shit. I can't give this to any girl, or person, not even people I don't like.

I mean, a punch on the face, ok, that's honest, but cookies that look good but actually taste like shit? That's not fair, at all.

And now I'll never get laid again, probably, because my cookies suck.

I'm not even joking, this just happened ):

So, then I found these gifs that are actually pretty cool, check them out:

They're all from this guy's tumblr so you should just go there if you like that kind of stuff:

Good day to you people that have loved ones and have sex and stuff, and to everyone else too.
At least I have wine, now that it's night I can drink it.   read

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -