Hello video game pals. It's been a long time. What's new?

As usual, I am spending most of my times these days getting grody in the shop, making fake dead animals and slopping fake blood on myself. I've also been muddling my way through the summer game drought. What little time I have to play games has been spent mostly with poor to middling games I bought for very little money on Ebay. So, here's a fart-filled addition of Summer Game Drought Desperation for ya'll:

BUT FIRST!

Before I talk about games, here's a picture of where I plays 'em.



Seen here is my old Toshiba CRT HDTV with glorious 720p resolution, my janky 5.1 sound system running through an old Creative Extigy soundcard, and a bunch of gross stuff. Not shown is my amazing shelf of painted miniatures. It's a miracle I ever get laid.

Now, as promised, I will tell the tales of some shitty games I have been playing.

First up this summer we have Conan for the Xbox360. Ah, Conan. One of only two games this summer to contain the Methadone-inspired mumblings of Ron Pearlman. Remember when that guy was in City of Lost Children? That movie was great...oh, sorry, my brain strayed away from things that suck and toward things that rule...must be my overriding optimism. If the idea of hearing Ron Pearlman say, "Die you cur" with the same growling intensity of 50 Cent droning about his Magic Stick, well, Conan is your game, TARD. On the other hand, you do get to murder many giant apes and chop a lot dudes in half. I particularly liked when I would cut a guy in half and his animal-balloon intestines would come flopping out like I just bashed a viscera pinata. I guess I can't say too many bad things about this game. After all, I actually finished it. There are some cool bosses, lots of blood, and you get to fight a giant zombie elephant. In fact, this game could have been not bad...EXCEPPPTTTTTT then there's the final boss fight: an exercise in suffering and futility akin to attempting to jam your dick into a hamster's anus. This amazing boss fight has it all, multiple fucking stages, rotating obstacles, smaller enemies to deal with at the same time, and a bunch of cranks you have to turn while this steaming pile of butt blood whisks you away to a wonderful land of dingleberry milkshakes. And just in case you were not fed up with existence by the end of all that retardation, they throw in a nice long quick time event! Oh joy! The only saving grace of this whole fight was the fact that the developers clearly knew it was complete shit and just didn't have time to fix it. How do I know this? I shall tell you. In the arena where you fight this monstrosity of mediocrity, there are four cranks you have to turn. After you successfully fend off the marching bloody stool creatures that keep pestering you while you try and turn the fucking crank, the boss gets damaged a bit and then reverts to his other form. After doing this a couple of times it begins to dawn on you that if you are expected to repeat this grueling trial all four times this fight will take no less than six hours. Which is why it mysteriously ends after turning the third crank. WHAT ABOUT THE FOURTH FUCKING CRANK?!?! God damn fucking cranks. Seriously though, not having to turn that last crank was the best gift I've received all year. So I want to say a hearty, "THANKS!" to the developers of Conan...Thanks for creating such a delicious turd.

Next time on Summer Drought Desperation, I'll be talking about Viking for the Xobox360. Guess what...you cut dudes in half.

Scott