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Community Discussion: Blog by leiden | Dead or Alive - No, I don't mean the game.Destructoid
Dead or Alive - No, I don't mean the game. - Destructoid

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There is going to be spoilers, but I doubt you care givin the nature of the film.

Bored out of my mind and looking through the new releases on my Video on Demand service, I came across the movie adaption of Dead or Alive. Being me, I had to see it and chances are at some point I will own it. You might be asking yourself, "why?" because without even reading my pseudo-review, you know this movie is going to be terrible, so why would I purchase it? Because I can't help myself. My two passions are video games and movies, and when you combine them, no matter how awful or terrible, I must own it. And yes, it includes the Uwe Bolle Collection, I'm sorry.

Anyway.

I knew they were making a movie out of DOA, but I had no idea that it came out over a year ago or else I would have seen it much sooner, needless to say as soon as the cursor came down to the option on the screen, I paid my $3 and grabbed some popcorn.

The opening scene easily sets the tone for everything. Bad acting, low budget props, bad CG, and a hot chick. Other than that, there is some really lame plot going on that I don't pay much attention to because the opening credits are rolling and I want to know who I can attribute this pile to. Than a familiar name crossed the screen and I was confused, J.F. Lawton? The name stroke a cord and I knew I heard it before, and half way through the movie it occurred to me -- he had part in writing Blankman, Pretty Woman, and Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. The latter easily one of my all time favorite movies.

The opening scene went on about Kasumi being some sort of princess going off to try and find her brother, Hayate. Now, I only played the 4th DOA and I haven't played it in quite some time, so maybe this is the plot of the game too, but I promise, the game does it better. Apparently Hayate entered in the last DOA tournament and never returned to the ninja village, obviously there was foul play involved. Now, Kasumi must set out to find what happen to her brother, even if it means defying Hayabusa who strongly recommends against it! Kasumi goes to leave, than Ayane shows up, who apparently loves Hayate but must kill Kasumi for leaving the ninja village. Follow?

In short, Kasumi and Ayane battle, Kasumi gets away and jumps over the edge of a big fuckin' cliff. Luckily, under her ninja robes she wears a back pack equipped with a hang glider and glides to safety, but not before a DOA Ninja Star Invitation gets thrown at her and she catches it. Garbage like this continues for about ten minutes and all the girls of DOA get introduced: Tina (who is played by White Trash Princess herself, Jaime Pressly), Christie, Helena, Ayane, and Kasumi. Oddly, they are all quite attractive and not wearing very much through out the entire movie.

The movie focuses on those four girls the most part, however there is appearences by Zack, Gen Fu, Bayman, Leon, and Bass - who is played by Kevin Nash... FUCKIN' BIG DADDY COOL!

Ahem, there is a little more sub plot going on with Christie and how her and Max (her boyfriend) are going to knock off the tournament and steal the money and stuff like that, but I couldn't really pay attention because of the girls playing volleyball and fighting in the rain while wearing white.. things. Good thing that plot didn't really matter much, because out of nowhere, random battles begin. Action packed baby, action packed.

There is about an hour of random fighting going on, and mixed in ever so blatantly, is the boobs. Not naked boob though, which made me sad but it made sense when I noticed the PG-13 rating. So yeah, fighting and stuff.

Than with about 20 minutes left in the flick, they explain the rest of the plot that you don't really care about anyway. Basically, the event organizer killed Helena's father so he could test out these sweet sunglasses that steal you martial arts kicks and blocks, and teaches you how to fight like the person you stole sweet moves from. He used the DOA tournament to get the best fighters in the world so he could download their move lists, and than test the glasses out on none other than... HAYATE! Oh snap.

Oh, yeah. He got Hayabusa, Tina, Kasumi, and Christie all in that big chamber room thats at the end of DOA 4 where you fight the Nanobot. Ya know, that annoying, green girl that steals your moves. I guess they couldn't afford anymore CG, which is why Eric Roberts, who plays the event organizer Donovan by the way, had to wear cheap sunglasses with a red laser on the nose piece, instead of getting a sweet nanobot to fight Hayabusa.

The worst fight scene I have ever seen proceeds, Hayate obviously losses to the sunglasses, but thank god there is a computer geek around who frees the girls and they kick Eric Roberts ASS! Like, really bad, you wouldn't believe how bad they kicked his ass. His face melted, because they blew up the DOA island, that's how bad they kicked his ass.

Yeah so, this movie was really bad. However, it was fun to watch and the best line in the movie is "THE LAB IS GOING TO EXPLODE!" But with no emphasis whatsoever. I don't know what the deal was with this movie, or why it was even made. I'm honestly surprised that it isn't a Uwe Bolle film, but Corey Yuen, who directed this pile of fail, could easily keep up with the Bollster for bad video game movies if he continued down this path.

I mean, this is the guy's first American film, or well, film in English, because I IMDB'd this fool, and he hasn't done a god damn thing I can pronounce.



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