Now that I'm almost done with my first semester of college, I find myself looking back on high school. I find myself thinking about all the things I did, all the things I didn't do, and all the times I showcased my horrible Goofy impression (and I do mean horrible). Unfortunately, there's one thing I didn't do in high school that I truly regret not having done: Whenever 2 people started dating, and my friends and I knew it wouldn't last, I never started a betting pool.

The pool would have been a simple betting pool. Members would put in an equal amount of money (for the purposes of demonstration, let's say $5), and would be designated a length of time (something such as 2 weeks or 1 month). If and when (99% of the time it would have been "when") the couple breaks up, the person who was designated the most recently passed amount of time would have won the pool. For example, if one person has 2 months, and another person has 3 months, and the couple breaks up one day before they would have reached the 3 month mark, the player designated 2 months would win the pool.

If I would have done this in high school, I could have had a more enjoyable 4 year experience, and probably would have made an extra few (hundred) dollars.

For extra fun: Secretly designate the over to a (non-betting) member of the couple. If all designated lengths of time pass and the couple is still together, give all the money to the clueless member of the couple. Then wait for the day when s/he figures it all out and then calls you to tell you how big of a dick you are.

Today is the day that Dr. Pepper lost a bet with himself. That bet was that Guns n' Roses wouldn't release Chinese Democracy in 2008. Well, it's still 2008, and Chinese Democracy is currently in music stores (and all over Rapidshare). And so, the good doctor is making good on his promise. I've included the link to the page on Dr. Pepper's website where you can just fill out some information (you'll have to make an account on the website, but it's absolutely free) and a coupon will be sent to you. There are only 2 possible problems: 1) You either have to be at least 13 years old (or simply lie about your age to meet that requirement) and 2) You have to fill it out by midnight EST. The coupons will be good until February 28, 2009. Now go get your free Dr. Pepper!

Free shit is FREE!

Ever since Jim Sterling posted about whether or not hype should factor into review scores, I've been wondering if there's something else that should be factored into review scores for both games and movies. What should be factored in is the reason for creation; whatever the movie/game was made for. Let me explain...

Saw 5 is a horrible movie. It's plot is mindless (a dead guy is still controlling you? Cereally?), the acting is far from Oscar-worthy, and it relies on gore to put people in the seats. However, it does not deserve devastatingly low review scores. This is because it was not made to be a good movie, it was made to be a gorefest. When it came to being a good movie, which is what most movie reviews are based on, it doesn't deliver. But when it comes to being a gorefest, which was the sole reason why the movie was made, it shined.

The same goes for games. Manhunt 2 was not a great game. However, it was not made to be a great game. Manhunt 2, like any tortureporn flick, was made to be a violent bloodfest. And hey, it delievered!

I'm not saying that review scores should be based solely on the movie/game's goals. At the end of the day, most people want to know if, by industry standards, the product is good or bad. But when something isn't made to be good, and is just meant to be entertaining to people who want something filled with violence or laughs... it deserves to be reviewed based on whether or not it delivers what it wants to.

This just in: Larry Flynt recently put an add out on Craig's List looking for an adult film actress who could also act as a decent look-alike to Wasilla's "finest": Sarah Palin. It looks like Larry found his girl, and there will be at least few Palin Pornos (of course, in the porn world, "a few" means at least 12). There are rumors that one of them will include a lesbian 3-way between Palin, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleeza Rice. HOT. Flynt provided Radar with an excerpt from a film currently titled Riding Pipeline. For your lolling pleasure, I have included that excerpt in the bottom of this post. No word yet on any other possible titles, and Flynt still hasn't given me any feedback on the script I sent him entitled Hope Diamond In My Cunt 7.

Note: Larry, if you liked it, please let me know. I'd be willing to switch to your Palin projects. Heck, I've already started writing one called Wasilla Taint Street.




(Open on the PALIN residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor SARAH PALIN is sitting on the couch, reading "all of the magazines." She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. TODD is out of town on business. TRIGG is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. PALIN puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)

PALIN: Who is it?

GRUFF MALE VOICE: It's JOE, the tanning-bed repairman.

(PALIN unlocks the door and opens it)

PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?

JOE: I'm sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.

PALIN: Well, you're in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a plate of 'em?

(JOE obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. PALIN enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to JOE, but not before looking him up and down.)

PALIN: My oh my. That's quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.

JOE: I have a big hammer.

PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America's diverse tools, big and small. They're what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.

(PALIN takes a seat on the coach beside JOE and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)

JOE: Let's go take a look at the tanning bed first.

PALIN: Oooh, okay.

(PALIN leads JOE to the tanning salon in the basement. JOE carefully inspects the machine.)

JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.

PALIN: (seductively) You're in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.

(PALIN pounces on JOE and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)

PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!

JOE: I'm bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?

PALIN: It's okay. I already took a morning-after pill.

JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?

PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I'll get back to ya with specifics.

(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. PALIN amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)

PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)

PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven't had a ride that good since Todd took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.

JOE: That was amazing. What now?

PALIN: I feel so alive! Let's grab my gay friend and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.

(End scene)

Note: Joe's profession should be changed to unlicensed plumber IMMEDIATELY

Last night, I made a post about Sony putting out fake downloads of Black Ice in an attempt to prevent piracy. It was only today that I realized the best way any company could prevent piracy of games, CDs or even movies. It won't be 100% effective, and it will cost some money, but it will also make some would-be pirates buy the game. It might even cut down on second-hand ownership. This is also something companies have been doing for a while, but it's not something that has been done by every company or with every game.

Reward us for buying the game.

Remember, that word was reward. Not punish. Do not punish pirates or second-hand owners. That will only make your company look bad. Instead, you must be extra kind to people who bought the game new. Something as simple as throwing in a t-shirt could be the difference between $0 and $50, and since I think it'll be a while before t-shirts can be downloaded, it could prove to be damn effective. Any die-hard fan would kill for that t-shirt, and if it's only available with the game, you can bet your ass they'll buy it.

The problem is, most of the time when companies do this, it's only during the time of pre-orders. These incentives should stay with the game at least 2-3 months after release (forever is a better option for gamers, but I can understand cutting it off after 2 months. This IS a business, and since you're not charging extra for the buyers' reward - or else you're doing it wrong - you probably have to end that some time).

Remember, something as simple as that worthless coin that came with Super Mario Galaxy pre-orders could be enough to turn some pirates into buyers. But if you keep the swag with the game for an extra 2-3 months, it could do wonders.

I'm sure many of you have already heard that AC/DC's new album, [u]Black Ice[/u], has been leaked. I'm also sure that many of you guys have already downloaded the album. But how many of you got a real download? Apparently, Sony has come up with a great way to attack internet piracy. They're not putting DRMs on the songs, they're not coding the album so it can only be used on one computer... they're filling the interwebs with fake downloads. Sure, some files are the real deal, but many of the files downloaded from torrent and file sharing sites have been faker than Ashlee Simpson's nose and voice put together.

Game publishers, please take note that if you want to stop piracy on PC games, don't go filling the games with DRMs and restrictions that will turn potential buyers off. Just fight fire with fire and release fake downloads! That way, good, paying customers can get exactly what they want, and you can turn away pirates.

[eyepatch]Yar community, ye be giving me yer thoughts?[/eyepatch]

Also, true story: My sophomore year of high school, my English teacher dressed up as a pirate for Halloween. She went around the class, offering candy from a pirate chest. When she got to me, she asked "Would you like some of my booty, Adam?" She then looked me in the eyes, and gave me a look that said "if you think that I had a double meaning, I will hurt you."