I, not having a girlfriend or really any sort of a social life, watch a lot of television. TV watching leads to commercial viewing. Commercial viewing leads to seeing movie previews. Before you say anything, I know, Destructoid's about games, not movies. But movies are something we all enjoy, and seeing as how I haven't been able to do any Jew Sleuthing lately (Riot Zone for Turbo-Grafx 16 will be released for the Virtual Console some time this month for 800 Wii points, I'm just not sure when), I feel the need to post my thoughts on another of our favorite entertainment mediums, and how some soon to be released movies will disappoint anybody who plans to watch them.

I will be rating these movies on a disappointment scale from 1 to 5. The disappointment scale will rate the disappointment that I speculate would be had by a person who camped outside the theater in anticipation for said movie. A 1 represents if the person were to see the movie and like it, though it didn't live up to their expectations. A 5 represents if the person were to see the movie... and then burn down the theater.

Movie #1


The Eye

The Eye is a movie about a woman who can see people dying before they actually die. So, why shouldn't you see it? Because if you saw Premonition, Minority Report, the first 30 minutes of Final Destination, or a single episode of Tru Calling, this isn't anything new. The star of this film is America's Sweetheart, Jessica Alba, who has been in exactly two watchable movie throughout her entire career (Sin City and, if you're a chick, Never Been Kissed). Also, it's a remake of a Chinese film, so it will probably give you lead poisoning.

On the Kwaselow disappointment scale, I give The Eye 3 out of a possible 5 whiny Breakfast Club characters.

Movie #2


Meet the Spartans

Remember Epic Movie? Remember Date Movie? Remember how both of those movies sucked major donkey balls? Well, this is the same god damn thing (and if I reference the possibility that there might actually be a god, I'm fucking mad). The problem with parody movies is that, 5 years later, they lose all of their effect, especially when they parody not only movies, but also celebrities. There's a reason why, back in the day, they didn't make a movie about Clara Peller... because movies based on current pop culture references never fucking work.

On the Kwaselow disappointment scale, I give Meet The Spartans 5 out of 5 whiny Breakfast Club characters.

I think now would be the time to mention that I hate The Breakfast Club

Note: This is an experimental series. I've had some success with Mascots That Failed, and I want to try my hand at having another series (unlike Sega, I can handle running 2 at a time). However, since DToid is about games, not movies, and I'd never do anything to purposely anger the robots in charge... if you guys don't think this is the type of content you'd like to see in the Clogs, I will not add to the series, and will continue to do whatever I can to preserve the greatness of the Clogs. However, if this post is well received, I promise that the next volume will contain more analysis, and therefore more LULZ.