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2:57 PM on 05.25.2010

Finally, a web comic comes along to ask: Can Mario F*** It?

Hey Destructoid. It's been a while. I've been reading the front page every day, I just haven't really been back to the community. I haven't really had anything worth while to write about. Then summer started, and a friend of mine and I were hanging out in my room. He got a Wacom tablet - let's him draw directly to his laptop. That's how it started: he was in my room hanging out, and I looked at his laptop, and he had drawn Mario naked, staring at a lamp. That sketch became the very first Can Mario Fuck It. It's a project we've decided to get going, and our goal is to keep it going until the good people at Nintendo send us a Cease and Desist letter. I hope you like it, DToid. Also, I missed you.   read

4:11 PM on 12.20.2009


It appears Brittany Murphy, 32, has died this morning. Her death raises interesting questions: was it drugs? was it MURDER? and, most importantly, who the fuck is Brittany Murphy? Well, Wikipedia tells me she was the voice of Luanne Platter on King of the Hill, and she was in Just Married (which sucked), Uptown Girls (which sucked), and Riding In Cars With Boys (which was about riding in cars with boys, so it probably sucked). So, I guess we didn't really lose much acting-wise, but now I'm going to feel guilty about masturbating to her because that would make me a necrophiliac. Is it still ok to masturbate to Luanne?

This was the classiest picture of her I could find

As my friend Michelle put it: "yeah i haven't seen anything this girl was in but she was young so i feel bad"   read

12:57 PM on 10.19.2009

Faptoid 1. Why ask for directions when we can just use Google Faps?

Like many of you, I enjoy 2 things in life: video games and fapping. The great thing about video games is that they have many wimmenz in them for me to fap to. I find video game wimmenz easier to fap to than real life wimmenz, because video game wimmenz don't leave the room whenever I take out my winky (and I'm not talking about the Donkey Kong Country series... unless I'm fapping to Candy Kong). Because video games are so convenient to fap to, I've decided to start a series with which to cover to many fappable wimmenz in the world of gaming. For my first entry, I wanted to talk about Bayonetta, but since Jim Sterling has already covered her (with his sperm), I decided to choose a different wummen for my first entry.

Carmen Sandiego

Carmen Sandiego is very elusive, and is always trying to hide from me just like a real wummen! She has a sense of mystery about her, which means you never know just how your faptasy (fapping fantasy) is going to turn out. She's an evil crime overlord, which means that she's probably a top, which I like because I'm a power bottom (and I would power her bottom). She tends to wear a Fedora, which means we could act out all of the Humphrey Bogart fantasies which I'm going to say I don't have because I'm writing this on the interwebs which means that everybody will see it at Thanksgiving when we have our yearly talk about how much of a failure I am. She tries to hide all over the world, which means that when I fap to her, my faptasy can take place in any exotic location I wish, such as the dungeon in my basement where I keep my ex-girlfriend because I have trouble letting go... or Hawaii or something. Anyway, I'd like to Carmen her Sandiego.

Fap fap fap.   read

8:32 AM on 10.18.2009

Why Destructoid's Extra Life Marathon Was A Bit Disappointing

I thoroughly enjoyed what I watched of the Extra Life marathon last night. I watched from about 10:45 AM until about 1:30 AM or so (I am a college student, and this is how I spent my Saturday night. Great fun was had by all. Colgate Bennett wrote me a love letter. Topher, Hamza, Rey, and the almighty Horsehead all gave me girl advice. We got to see CEO cat. We heard Colgate's beautiful singing voice. I started to believe in the god that is Kyle McLaughlin. We were introduced to the greatness that is Super Mic Chan. MEME'S WERE CREATED! But there's still one thing about last night that truly disappoints me: Gabe never took his shirt off.

No matter how much we begged and pleaded, Gabe's shirt just would not come off. Rey's shirt came off multiple times, and for that, Rey, I thank you. But nobody else, especially not Gabe, ever took their shirt off. I had to cry myself to sleep, thinking about how shirtless Bizarro Jim Sterling could have been. But alas, it was not to be. I eventually fell asleep dreaming about playing Super Mic Chan with a wimmenz.

I'm not so disappointed that Colgate Bennett didn't sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" to me. That could easily happen at some point in the future. I'm not even upset that they didn't play VISIONS! But I still can't get over Gabe and the shirt that never came off.   read

3:32 PM on 02.15.2009

Randomtoid: Kittens - Inspired by Kittens [NVGR]

A friend of mine showed me this random clip today, and it made me realize that when I was a kid, I probably would have done the same thing. At the very least, the video should provide some "aww"s for the cuteness-loving crowd

She is so hot   read

11:10 AM on 02.09.2009

How to play video games with your penis (don't worry, no pictures. But there is a SFW video)

Video games and masturbation have always gone together. From Custer's Revenge to Xtreme Beach Volleyball to Cho Aniki for some of you guys out there, many gamers have had to deal with the dilemma of having to pause because the game is to hard too control with one hand. But now you, yes YOU, can play video games not just while you're masturbating, but because you're masturbating*. This is all thanks to the guys at SF Media Labs who have invented the Joydick (no, I'm not making this up), a device that turns your penis into an Atari joystick (as if you've never referred to it as a joystick). To quote their write-up "For games requiring the fire button, a separate ring can be worn which converts hand-strokes into button presses," so it seems they're already thinking ahead (or should I say: thinking o' head) to future game possibilities. In case you're curious, the link I posted has a guide to making your own.


*Does not apply to wimmenz

Note to the front page censorship system: This post does not contain lobster milkshakes   read

11:55 AM on 01.26.2009

AIM FUN: a brand new text adventure!

I was talking online with a friend of mine, when he decided to try and fuck with me. However, since he is a friend, and not some random person who finds out about my AIM fun and then tries to IM me so they can have fun with me (it has happened way too many times. If you do this, you will be blocked. DToiders are welcome to IM me, providing they tell me their DToid name and hope that I've heard of them), I decided to play along. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent

kwaselow (12:43:48 PM): use hotsauce

Alec (12:43:54 PM): You can't use that here.

kwaselow (12:44:03 PM): eat baby

Alec (12:44:23 PM): Inventory: no BABY

kwaselow (12:44:29 PM): take BABY

Alec (12:44:35 PM): Baby is in stomach!

kwaselow (12:44:45 PM): GET IN MAH BELLY

Alec (12:44:56 PM): Baby is already in yah belly!

kwaselow (12:45:10 PM): approach WIMMENZ

Alec (12:45:17 PM): WIMMENZ approached.

kwaselow (12:45:21 PM): use ROOFIE

Alec (12:45:30 PM): inventory: WIMMENZ

Alec (12:45:36 PM): also HOT SUACE

kwaselow (12:45:43 PM): take BRASS KNUCKLES

Alec (12:45:55 PM): There are no BRASS KNUCKLES

kwaselow (12:46:02 PM): take KNIFE

Alec (12:46:24 PM): You fumble with the KNIFE, and it falls. Next time you will grab it by the handle.

kwaselow (12:46:33 PM): take KNIFE

Alec (12:46:38 PM): Took KNIFE

kwaselow (12:46:45 PM): use KNIFE on WIMMENZ

Alec (12:46:56 PM): The WIMMENZ appears to be loving it!

Alec (12:47:06 PM): "STOP" she laughs as you butcher her!

kwaselow (12:47:21 PM): take REMAINS OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:47:26 PM): current status: LADIES MAN

Alec (12:47:42 PM): There are no REMAINS OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:47:50 PM): You did your job a little too well.

kwaselow (12:48:08 PM): take BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:48:28 PM): The BLOOD OF WIMMENZ slips through your ashy hands. It seems like you will need a container of sorts.

Alec (12:48:34 PM): empty HOT SAUCE?

kwaselow (12:48:38 PM): no

Alec (12:48:41 PM): Good choice.

kwaselow (12:48:51 PM): take SEVERED VAGINA

Alec (12:49:14 PM): I don't know the term "SEVERED VAGINA"

kwaselow (12:49:22 PM): take LUNG OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:49:31 PM): That is not her lung!

Alec (12:49:37 PM): Try again.

kwaselow (12:49:49 PM): take EMPTY ROOFIE VILE

Alec (12:49:54 PM): took EMPTY ROOFIE VILE

kwaselow (12:50:00 PM): take BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:07 PM): took BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

kwaselow (12:50:14 PM): approach ALEC'S DRINK

Alec (12:50:21 PM): approached ALEC'S DRINK

kwaselow (12:50:27 PM): use BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:32 PM): used BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:39 PM): Things are getting exciting!

kwaselow (12:50:40 PM): watch ALEC use ALEC'S DRINK

Alec (12:50:57 PM): ALEC seems to be enjoying ALEC'S DRINK.

Alec (12:51:06 PM): "This is fantastic! What do you call it?"

Alec (12:51:09 PM): INPUT: ______

kwaselow (12:51:47 PM): input BLOODY MARY LULZ

Alec (12:52:59 PM): "Well, thanks bartender! I'll definitely have to order another BLOODY MARY LULZ next time I'm here!"

Alec (12:53:01 PM): YOU HAVE WON



kwaselow (12:53:38 PM): input I THOUGHT THIS WAS HALO 4   read

1:24 AM on 12.06.2008

Late Night Lulz: Old lady shoots em up


This video is easily the funniest thing I have seen all week. What started out as an audition shoot for an early Xbox 360 add turns into pure greatness when you take an old lady, and tell her to make pretend that she's shooting a gun. Enjoy   read

5:20 PM on 12.03.2008

My biggest regret from high school (NVGR)

Now that I'm almost done with my first semester of college, I find myself looking back on high school. I find myself thinking about all the things I did, all the things I didn't do, and all the times I showcased my horrible Goofy impression (and I do mean horrible). Unfortunately, there's one thing I didn't do in high school that I truly regret not having done: Whenever 2 people started dating, and my friends and I knew it wouldn't last, I never started a betting pool.

The pool would have been a simple betting pool. Members would put in an equal amount of money (for the purposes of demonstration, let's say $5), and would be designated a length of time (something such as 2 weeks or 1 month). If and when (99% of the time it would have been "when") the couple breaks up, the person who was designated the most recently passed amount of time would have won the pool. For example, if one person has 2 months, and another person has 3 months, and the couple breaks up one day before they would have reached the 3 month mark, the player designated 2 months would win the pool.

If I would have done this in high school, I could have had a more enjoyable 4 year experience, and probably would have made an extra few (hundred) dollars.

For extra fun: Secretly designate the over to a (non-betting) member of the couple. If all designated lengths of time pass and the couple is still together, give all the money to the clueless member of the couple. Then wait for the day when s/he figures it all out and then calls you to tell you how big of a dick you are.   read

11:44 AM on 11.23.2008

Free Dr. Pepper is free

Today is the day that Dr. Pepper lost a bet with himself. That bet was that Guns n' Roses wouldn't release Chinese Democracy in 2008. Well, it's still 2008, and Chinese Democracy is currently in music stores (and all over Rapidshare). And so, the good doctor is making good on his promise. I've included the link to the page on Dr. Pepper's website where you can just fill out some information (you'll have to make an account on the website, but it's absolutely free) and a coupon will be sent to you. There are only 2 possible problems: 1) You either have to be at least 13 years old (or simply lie about your age to meet that requirement) and 2) You have to fill it out by midnight EST. The coupons will be good until February 28, 2009. Now go get your free Dr. Pepper!

Free shit is FREE!   read

12:56 PM on 11.01.2008

Should reason for creation factor into review scores?

Ever since Jim Sterling posted about whether or not hype should factor into review scores, I've been wondering if there's something else that should be factored into review scores for both games and movies. What should be factored in is the reason for creation; whatever the movie/game was made for. Let me explain...

Saw 5 is a horrible movie. It's plot is mindless (a dead guy is still controlling you? Cereally?), the acting is far from Oscar-worthy, and it relies on gore to put people in the seats. However, it does not deserve devastatingly low review scores. This is because it was not made to be a good movie, it was made to be a gorefest. When it came to being a good movie, which is what most movie reviews are based on, it doesn't deliver. But when it comes to being a gorefest, which was the sole reason why the movie was made, it shined.

The same goes for games. Manhunt 2 was not a great game. However, it was not made to be a great game. Manhunt 2, like any tortureporn flick, was made to be a violent bloodfest. And hey, it delievered!

I'm not saying that review scores should be based solely on the movie/game's goals. At the end of the day, most people want to know if, by industry standards, the product is good or bad. But when something isn't made to be good, and is just meant to be entertaining to people who want something filled with violence or laughs... it deserves to be reviewed based on whether or not it delivers what it wants to.   read

4:17 PM on 10.16.2008

Palin Porn: Confirmed! NVGR. NSFW text

This just in: Larry Flynt recently put an add out on Craig's List looking for an adult film actress who could also act as a decent look-alike to Wasilla's "finest": Sarah Palin. It looks like Larry found his girl, and there will be at least few Palin Pornos (of course, in the porn world, "a few" means at least 12). There are rumors that one of them will include a lesbian 3-way between Palin, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleeza Rice. HOT. Flynt provided Radar with an excerpt from a film currently titled Riding Pipeline. For your lolling pleasure, I have included that excerpt in the bottom of this post. No word yet on any other possible titles, and Flynt still hasn't given me any feedback on the script I sent him entitled Hope Diamond In My Cunt 7.

Note: Larry, if you liked it, please let me know. I'd be willing to switch to your Palin projects. Heck, I've already started writing one called Wasilla Taint Street.

(Open on the PALIN residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor SARAH PALIN is sitting on the couch, reading "all of the magazines." She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. TODD is out of town on business. TRIGG is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. PALIN puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)

PALIN: Who is it?

GRUFF MALE VOICE: It's JOE, the tanning-bed repairman.

(PALIN unlocks the door and opens it)

PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?

JOE: I'm sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.

PALIN: Well, you're in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a plate of 'em?

(JOE obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. PALIN enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to JOE, but not before looking him up and down.)

PALIN: My oh my. That's quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.

JOE: I have a big hammer.

PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America's diverse tools, big and small. They're what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.

(PALIN takes a seat on the coach beside JOE and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)

JOE: Let's go take a look at the tanning bed first.

PALIN: Oooh, okay.

(PALIN leads JOE to the tanning salon in the basement. JOE carefully inspects the machine.)

JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.

PALIN: (seductively) You're in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.

(PALIN pounces on JOE and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)

PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!

JOE: I'm bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?

PALIN: It's okay. I already took a morning-after pill.

JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?

PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I'll get back to ya with specifics.

(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. PALIN amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)

PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)

PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven't had a ride that good since Todd took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.

JOE: That was amazing. What now?

PALIN: I feel so alive! Let's grab my gay friend and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.

(End scene)

Note: Joe's profession should be changed to unlicensed plumber IMMEDIATELY   read

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