Like many of you, I enjoy 2 things in life: video games and fapping. The great thing about video games is that they have many wimmenz in them for me to fap to. I find video game wimmenz easier to fap to than real life wimmenz, because video game wimmenz don't leave the room whenever I take out my winky (and I'm not talking about the Donkey Kong Country series... unless I'm fapping to Candy Kong). Because video games are so convenient to fap to, I've decided to start a series with which to cover to many fappable wimmenz in the world of gaming. For my first entry, I wanted to talk about Bayonetta, but since Jim Sterling has already covered her (with his sperm), I decided to choose a different wummen for my first entry.


Carmen Sandiego

Carmen Sandiego is very elusive, and is always trying to hide from me just like a real wummen! She has a sense of mystery about her, which means you never know just how your faptasy (fapping fantasy) is going to turn out. She's an evil crime overlord, which means that she's probably a top, which I like because I'm a power bottom (and I would power her bottom). She tends to wear a Fedora, which means we could act out all of the Humphrey Bogart fantasies which I'm going to say I don't have because I'm writing this on the interwebs which means that everybody will see it at Thanksgiving when we have our yearly talk about how much of a failure I am. She tries to hide all over the world, which means that when I fap to her, my faptasy can take place in any exotic location I wish, such as the dungeon in my basement where I keep my ex-girlfriend because I have trouble letting go... or Hawaii or something. Anyway, I'd like to Carmen her Sandiego.

Fap fap fap.

I thoroughly enjoyed what I watched of the Extra Life marathon last night. I watched from about 10:45 AM until about 1:30 AM or so (I am a college student, and this is how I spent my Saturday night. Great fun was had by all. Colgate Bennett wrote me a love letter. Topher, Hamza, Rey, and the almighty Horsehead all gave me girl advice. We got to see CEO cat. We heard Colgate's beautiful singing voice. I started to believe in the god that is Kyle McLaughlin. We were introduced to the greatness that is Super Mic Chan. MEME'S WERE CREATED! But there's still one thing about last night that truly disappoints me: Gabe never took his shirt off.

No matter how much we begged and pleaded, Gabe's shirt just would not come off. Rey's shirt came off multiple times, and for that, Rey, I thank you. But nobody else, especially not Gabe, ever took their shirt off. I had to cry myself to sleep, thinking about how shirtless Bizarro Jim Sterling could have been. But alas, it was not to be. I eventually fell asleep dreaming about playing Super Mic Chan with a wimmenz.

I'm not so disappointed that Colgate Bennett didn't sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" to me. That could easily happen at some point in the future. I'm not even upset that they didn't play VISIONS! But I still can't get over Gabe and the shirt that never came off.

A friend of mine showed me this random clip today, and it made me realize that when I was a kid, I probably would have done the same thing. At the very least, the video should provide some "aww"s for the cuteness-loving crowd


She is so hot

Video games and masturbation have always gone together. From Custer's Revenge to Xtreme Beach Volleyball to Cho Aniki for some of you guys out there, many gamers have had to deal with the dilemma of having to pause because the game is to hard too control with one hand. But now you, yes YOU, can play video games not just while you're masturbating, but because you're masturbating*. This is all thanks to the guys at SF Media Labs who have invented the Joydick (no, I'm not making this up), a device that turns your penis into an Atari joystick (as if you've never referred to it as a joystick). To quote their write-up "For games requiring the fire button, a separate ring can be worn which converts hand-strokes into button presses," so it seems they're already thinking ahead (or should I say: thinking o' head) to future game possibilities. In case you're curious, the link I posted has a guide to making your own.



*Does not apply to wimmenz

Note to the front page censorship system: This post does not contain lobster milkshakes

I was talking online with a friend of mine, when he decided to try and fuck with me. However, since he is a friend, and not some random person who finds out about my AIM fun and then tries to IM me so they can have fun with me (it has happened way too many times. If you do this, you will be blocked. DToiders are welcome to IM me, providing they tell me their DToid name and hope that I've heard of them), I decided to play along. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent

kwaselow (12:43:48 PM): use hotsauce

Alec (12:43:54 PM): You can't use that here.

kwaselow (12:44:03 PM): eat baby

Alec (12:44:23 PM): Inventory: no BABY

kwaselow (12:44:29 PM): take BABY

Alec (12:44:35 PM): Baby is in stomach!

kwaselow (12:44:45 PM): GET IN MAH BELLY

Alec (12:44:56 PM): Baby is already in yah belly!

kwaselow (12:45:10 PM): approach WIMMENZ

Alec (12:45:17 PM): WIMMENZ approached.

kwaselow (12:45:21 PM): use ROOFIE

Alec (12:45:30 PM): inventory: WIMMENZ

Alec (12:45:36 PM): also HOT SUACE

kwaselow (12:45:43 PM): take BRASS KNUCKLES

Alec (12:45:55 PM): There are no BRASS KNUCKLES

kwaselow (12:46:02 PM): take KNIFE

Alec (12:46:24 PM): You fumble with the KNIFE, and it falls. Next time you will grab it by the handle.

kwaselow (12:46:33 PM): take KNIFE

Alec (12:46:38 PM): Took KNIFE

kwaselow (12:46:45 PM): use KNIFE on WIMMENZ

Alec (12:46:56 PM): The WIMMENZ appears to be loving it!

Alec (12:47:06 PM): "STOP" she laughs as you butcher her!

kwaselow (12:47:21 PM): take REMAINS OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:47:26 PM): current status: LADIES MAN

Alec (12:47:42 PM): There are no REMAINS OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:47:50 PM): You did your job a little too well.

kwaselow (12:48:08 PM): take BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:48:28 PM): The BLOOD OF WIMMENZ slips through your ashy hands. It seems like you will need a container of sorts.

Alec (12:48:34 PM): empty HOT SAUCE?

kwaselow (12:48:38 PM): no

Alec (12:48:41 PM): Good choice.

kwaselow (12:48:51 PM): take SEVERED VAGINA

Alec (12:49:14 PM): I don't know the term "SEVERED VAGINA"

kwaselow (12:49:22 PM): take LUNG OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:49:31 PM): That is not her lung!

Alec (12:49:37 PM): Try again.

kwaselow (12:49:49 PM): take EMPTY ROOFIE VILE

Alec (12:49:54 PM): took EMPTY ROOFIE VILE

kwaselow (12:50:00 PM): take BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:07 PM): took BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

kwaselow (12:50:14 PM): approach ALEC'S DRINK

Alec (12:50:21 PM): approached ALEC'S DRINK

kwaselow (12:50:27 PM): use BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:32 PM): used BLOOD OF WIMMENZ

Alec (12:50:39 PM): Things are getting exciting!

kwaselow (12:50:40 PM): watch ALEC use ALEC'S DRINK

Alec (12:50:57 PM): ALEC seems to be enjoying ALEC'S DRINK.

Alec (12:51:06 PM): "This is fantastic! What do you call it?"

Alec (12:51:09 PM): INPUT: ______

kwaselow (12:51:47 PM): input BLOODY MARY LULZ

Alec (12:52:59 PM): "Well, thanks bartender! I'll definitely have to order another BLOODY MARY LULZ next time I'm here!"

Alec (12:53:01 PM): YOU HAVE WON

Alec (12:53:03 PM): CONGRATULATIONS

Alec (12:53:21 PM): THANK YOU FOR PLAYING "BLOODY BARTENDER 2: BLOODY MARY"

kwaselow (12:53:38 PM): input I THOUGHT THIS WAS HALO 4

This video is easily the funniest thing I have seen all week. What started out as an audition shoot for an early Xbox 360 add turns into pure greatness when you take an old lady, and tell her to make pretend that she's shooting a gun. Enjoy