I've never truly been a fan of Mother's Day. after all, it's a fake holiday created by greeting card companies to make money. However, this year's Mother's Day has an extra reason for my displeasure: it is the first Mother's Day since my mother's death.
Sometime in the late morning or early afternoon of March 27th, my mother passed away unexpectedly. I missed the call from my uncle which would have informed me, so I didn't know about her death until 8:30 that night. I was the last person in my family to know.
It happened during my school's spring break, and I did not take any time off from school. All of my teachers were informed before school started on the first day after break. My physics teacher told me I shouldn't have come to school that day.
My mother and I never had a great relationship. Since this is my first Mother's Day without a mother, I want to take this time to apologize to my mother for the way I treated her. I moved out of her house about 6 months before her death, and during those 6 months, I treated her horribly. She died at a time when I was trying to get her out of my life, and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I'm sorry, mom.
I'd like to start out by saying that one of the releases for this week is already known, but in case you didn't hear about it, it will be the first game I mention.
The weekly Virtual Console releases always have some effect on my penis. Some weeks I'm left flaccid. Some weeks, I get an erection. This week, I'm kind of like this:
MASSIVE ERECTION. Note: Contains 32 ounces of liquid which can, at any point, wind up on your face. Watch out!
I just got a phone call from my friend Jim asking where the nearest Gamestop is. His mom works as a lawyer, and needed a game in order to do legal research. I was immediately worried that the mother of one of my closest friends may be one of our opponents in the latest political fad of blaming everything on video games (it's this decade's race to the moon). The game his mother needed was Destroy All Humans. Thankfully, the reason his mother needed it was another legal issue. Apparently, Big Boy is pissed off because they think Big Willy is a rip off of the Big Boy mascot. Now the reason I was hesitant to give him the information was the fact that it sounded absolutely retarded, but thankfully, my beloved hobby was safe.
In a world where the Wii Virtual Console had new releases of old games every Monday, he decided to discover upcoming releases. One man, one message: "Hey everybody, guess what's coming to the VC this week!" This spring, a Jew will solve the mystery. Featuring Academy Award nominee Chad Concelmo as the dolphin, Emmy winner Samit Sarkar as Billy, and Golden Globe watcher Colette Bennett as Girl in Coffee House #3. This April, Kwaselow is... The Jew Sleuth. Directed by Ron Workman.
Anyway, here's one of the games coming Monday...
Bases Loaded. NES. 500 Wii points
As you can no doubt see, the game has real voices and sounds. Holy shit!
I'm sure only about 3 of you guys have ever even heard of a game called Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but I've had it for a little while and I must say, it's a pretty good game. They brought back the Multi-Man stadium mode from Melee, and at first glance, I noticed that Cruel Brawl had been made to be nearly impossible. In Cruel Brawl, out of all of my characters, I was able to record a grand total of 1 KO. I thought it was going to be impossible to get the challenges for 5 and 10. That's when I realized that, with the right character, it's damn easy. All you have to do is jump off the edge.
I've decided to place 2 Cruel Brawl videos into this post. One involves the Pit method, which I used to record 14 KOs. The other involves a man getting 78 KOs with Jigglypuff (the video starts part way through his run, and I've only been able to get 6 this way). You'll notice that the players never actually attack the alloys. They don't have to. The makers of the game decided to fuck with us by making us think the alloys were super strong and super smart, when they really just love jumping to their own deaths.
I've used the Pit method with other flying characters (Meta Knight, for example) and I've used a variation with characters who have tether recoveries. The simple truth still remains: the alloys love to self destruct.
I'd also like to note that 15-Minute Brawl is the same way. I tried using Pit and could never get past 5 minutes. Then, I tried playing it co-op... by myself. 15 minutes later, I had 2 KOs and the Green Alloy trophy. I've also placed the video of this method into the post. Seriously, how stupid did they think we are?
Pit method for Cruel Brawl
Jigglypuff method for Cruel Brawl
Lucario method for Co-op 15-Minute Brawl
So, tell me Destructoid, is the hidden ease of Multi-Man Brawl's hardest modes a good thing, or does it disgust you?
Note: I did not record any of the three videos I placed in this post. They are not my work, and I will never claim them as my own.
Also, to Tazarthayoot and Cheeburga: Thank you for your sympathy. You guys are, so far, the only DToiders who know what happened in my life on Thursday, and I'd like to thank you guys for your support. I wuv you guys.
What you are about to see is real. This picture was taken by my friend Alex while he and I were at the local K-Mart. This picture may shock you, it may disturb you, but it is 100% authentic. So please, Destructoid, tell me: What's wrong with this picture?
Today, Upcoming movies... why shouldn't you see them? makes its triumphant return. This edition is very different from the past 2 installments, however, for 2 reasons: 1) I have actually seen this movie (at a free screening last night) and 2) It has already been released on DVD in Britain. It still counts as an upcoming movie, however, because it won't be released in the US until Friday.
I will be rating this movie on a disappointment scale from 1 to 5. The disappointment scale will rate the disappointment that I speculate would be had by a person who camped outside the theater in anticipation for said movie. A 1 represents if the person were to see the movie and wish they could have an hour and a half of their life back. A 5 represents if the person were to see the movie... and plot to kill the director.
Run Fatboy Run
I know what you're thinking: "Kwaselow, this movie has Simon Pegg in it. How could it possibly be horrible?" I'll admit, that's a good argument to make, and when I mention that it also stars Hank Azaria, and was written by Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black, I'll probably notice a massive erection in your pants. However, you must keep in mind that it was directed by this guy:
David Schwimmer
That's right, this movie was directed by Ross fucking Geller. It's actually kind of funny because Ross was a paleontologist, and half of the movie's jokes are so old, he probably studied them. In this movie, you will find: a naked man saying "do you see my point?", a skin deformity exploding and causing a man to be covered in pus, a little kid giving the finger to a man waving happily, people describing a made up disease while a friend acts out the symptoms, and at least 5 other gags that you've definitely seen in a movie before. The plot follows a man who runs away from everything trying to actually finish something he started (that something is a marathon. Get it? He's spent his entire life running away from things, and the big thing that he doesn't run away from... is a race. OYFG, I'm fake laughing so hard my ribs don't hurt).
As somebody who has actually seen this movie and knows the disappointment it truly provides, on the Kwaselow disappointment scale, I give Run Fatboy Run 5 out of a possible 5 Al Capone's vaults.
I'm a Jew. Therefore, I don't know much about your little Christian festivities. I do, however, know that today is Easter, and Easter is very special for you people. From what I hear, it is based on your lord, Jesus, who I hear was a swell guy, coming back from the dead. This was supposedly a good thing. However, if there's anything I've learned in my life, it's that zombies are never a good thing. And so, armed with a chainsaw, I await Jesus' return. Do you think his blood will taste like wine?
It's times like these that I wish I could shoop some Resident Evil Jesus box art.
Name: Adam Eliot Kwaselow
Date of Birth: October 2, 1990
Race: Kwyjibo
Favorite Game: Chrono Trigger
First game played: Super Mario World
First game played through: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
Game played when bored in programming class with no new assignments: Marvel Vs. Capcom
Favorite breakfast cereal: Count Chocula
Fears: Bees, dolls, Samuel L. Jackson
Weaknesses: Knees, cardiovascular system, beautiful women
Pronounced: Kwazlo
Destructoid easily has the most British users out of any site I go to, and technically, I'm 1/4 British. I say technically because, although my grandfather was from Montreal, he became a citizen in 1932, 50 years before Canadian independence.
I'm a proud Michigander, and I appreciate some motherfucking jazz.
I hate it when people try to step all over me (and yes, that actually is me in that picture)
Up to now, I have earned
2 Dolphin King Badges
2 Gold Retroid Badges
1 Silver Retroid Badge
