kwaselow 's blog
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Name: Adam Eliot Kwaselow
Date of Birth: October 2, 1990
Race: Kwyjibo
Favorite Game: Chrono Trigger
First game played: Super Mario World
First game played through: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
Game played when bored in programming class with no new assignments: Marvel Vs. Capcom
Favorite breakfast cereal: Count Chocula
Fears: Bees, dolls, Samuel L. Jackson
Weaknesses: Knees, cardiovascular system, beautiful women
Pronounced: Kwazlo

Destructoid easily has the most British users out of any site I go to, and technically, I'm 1/4 British. I say technically because, although my grandfather was from Montreal, he became a citizen in 1932, 50 years before Canadian independence.

I'm a proud Michigander, and I appreciate some motherfucking jazz.

Up to now, I have earned
2 Dolphin King Badges
2 Gold Retroid Badges
1 Silver Retroid Badge

I have been on the front page 1 time

Fuck yeah!
Following (23)  

Hey Destructoid. It's been a while. I've been reading the front page every day, I just haven't really been back to the community. I haven't really had anything worth while to write about. Then summer started, and a friend of mine and I were hanging out in my room. He got a Wacom tablet - let's him draw directly to his laptop. That's how it started: he was in my room hanging out, and I looked at his laptop, and he had drawn Mario naked, staring at a lamp. That sketch became the very first Can Mario Fuck It. It's a project we've decided to get going, and our goal is to keep it going until the good people at Nintendo send us a Cease and Desist letter. I hope you like it, DToid. Also, I missed you.

It appears Brittany Murphy, 32, has died this morning. Her death raises interesting questions: was it drugs? was it MURDER? and, most importantly, who the fuck is Brittany Murphy? Well, Wikipedia tells me she was the voice of Luanne Platter on King of the Hill, and she was in Just Married (which sucked), Uptown Girls (which sucked), and Riding In Cars With Boys (which was about riding in cars with boys, so it probably sucked). So, I guess we didn't really lose much acting-wise, but now I'm going to feel guilty about masturbating to her because that would make me a necrophiliac. Is it still ok to masturbate to Luanne?

This was the classiest picture of her I could find

As my friend Michelle put it: "yeah i haven't seen anything this girl was in but she was young so i feel bad"

Like many of you, I enjoy 2 things in life: video games and fapping. The great thing about video games is that they have many wimmenz in them for me to fap to. I find video game wimmenz easier to fap to than real life wimmenz, because video game wimmenz don't leave the room whenever I take out my winky (and I'm not talking about the Donkey Kong Country series... unless I'm fapping to Candy Kong). Because video games are so convenient to fap to, I've decided to start a series with which to cover to many fappable wimmenz in the world of gaming. For my first entry, I wanted to talk about Bayonetta, but since Jim Sterling has already covered her (with his sperm), I decided to choose a different wummen for my first entry.

Carmen Sandiego

Carmen Sandiego is very elusive, and is always trying to hide from me just like a real wummen! She has a sense of mystery about her, which means you never know just how your faptasy (fapping fantasy) is going to turn out. She's an evil crime overlord, which means that she's probably a top, which I like because I'm a power bottom (and I would power her bottom). She tends to wear a Fedora, which means we could act out all of the Humphrey Bogart fantasies which I'm going to say I don't have because I'm writing this on the interwebs which means that everybody will see it at Thanksgiving when we have our yearly talk about how much of a failure I am. She tries to hide all over the world, which means that when I fap to her, my faptasy can take place in any exotic location I wish, such as the dungeon in my basement where I keep my ex-girlfriend because I have trouble letting go... or Hawaii or something. Anyway, I'd like to Carmen her Sandiego.

Fap fap fap.

I thoroughly enjoyed what I watched of the Extra Life marathon last night. I watched from about 10:45 AM until about 1:30 AM or so (I am a college student, and this is how I spent my Saturday night. Great fun was had by all. Colgate Bennett wrote me a love letter. Topher, Hamza, Rey, and the almighty Horsehead all gave me girl advice. We got to see CEO cat. We heard Colgate's beautiful singing voice. I started to believe in the god that is Kyle McLaughlin. We were introduced to the greatness that is Super Mic Chan. MEME'S WERE CREATED! But there's still one thing about last night that truly disappoints me: Gabe never took his shirt off.

No matter how much we begged and pleaded, Gabe's shirt just would not come off. Rey's shirt came off multiple times, and for that, Rey, I thank you. But nobody else, especially not Gabe, ever took their shirt off. I had to cry myself to sleep, thinking about how shirtless Bizarro Jim Sterling could have been. But alas, it was not to be. I eventually fell asleep dreaming about playing Super Mic Chan with a wimmenz.

I'm not so disappointed that Colgate Bennett didn't sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" to me. That could easily happen at some point in the future. I'm not even upset that they didn't play VISIONS! But I still can't get over Gabe and the shirt that never came off.

A friend of mine showed me this random clip today, and it made me realize that when I was a kid, I probably would have done the same thing. At the very least, the video should provide some "aww"s for the cuteness-loving crowd

She is so hot

Video games and masturbation have always gone together. From Custer's Revenge to Xtreme Beach Volleyball to Cho Aniki for some of you guys out there, many gamers have had to deal with the dilemma of having to pause because the game is to hard too control with one hand. But now you, yes YOU, can play video games not just while you're masturbating, but because you're masturbating*. This is all thanks to the guys at SF Media Labs who have invented the Joydick (no, I'm not making this up), a device that turns your penis into an Atari joystick (as if you've never referred to it as a joystick). To quote their write-up "For games requiring the fire button, a separate ring can be worn which converts hand-strokes into button presses," so it seems they're already thinking ahead (or should I say: thinking o' head) to future game possibilities. In case you're curious, the link I posted has a guide to making your own.

*Does not apply to wimmenz

Note to the front page censorship system: This post does not contain lobster milkshakes