Originally posted on another site that shall not be named



Before I begin, I must reveal to the blogosphere my latest Spore monster. His name is Tylenol Jefferson. Tylenol eats gods and brings nations to their knees. Mr. Jefferson, as his peoples know him, fear to love. In essence, he is what perfect would be like if LOLcats didn't do it first. (Note the sarcasm)



Although poorly photoshopped out of the background, he still kicks ass and takes orphans.



In the last few weeks I've been thinking about blog ideas, stringing you asses along until I finally settled upon something. Anything. I had many ideas ranging from critiquing my favorite game of all time (Tales of Symphonia), to doing a blog that had no more ambitious designs than to piss off a whole lot of people, and at the height of it all I would reveal to the world the truth. That wouldn't be much fun, for the internet only thrives on that sort of behavior, so I threw it out. After vast internal strife (and much wondering if the term "strife" can ever be justified outside of porn for soap opera lovers), I settled upon these two basic concepts: Making real world things (things=lack of a better word) into not real world things (video games). The second idea is fairly generic but still worth exploring, which is discussion of the nature of video game reviews. Because it's perfectly acceptable to do lame things as long as you point out how lame it actually is, I said to myself (in fact, I actually said this aloud, pleased with my unusually high level of clever) "why the Will Wright not?".



Yes, this is an actual screen shot from the Spore Creature Creator



The First

Whether I be food shopping, mowing lawns, to even rocking out a concert (the word "rock" is still acceptable as a verb, right?), when my mind wanders, it often ends up in scary places. Oftentimes, it's a place where surfers think they are still relevant. In others, people no longer suffer from mid-life crisis, but end of life crises are rampant. In most, though, I always wonder if what I'm doing at the time would be any good as a video game. Or rather, how would it work as a video game. I rarely ever consider if it would be fun; merely the idea of a food shopping simulation is delightful. For example, using the 360 controller, you would use both analog sticks to control the arm (with the hand just kind of hanging limply at the end, like most of welfare check America-hey, it's a work in progress). Maybe the left analog stick to move forward, backward, left, right, and the right one to move up and down, and to add another level of boredom. Depth. Everybody claims that incredibly simple mechanics leads to hidden complexity, which in turn leads to brain melting goodness, so of course this would work. We would rip off the graphics from Limbo of the Lost, just to implode the Internets with a level of irony and Pandora's box complex unseen since Jeff Bell's infamous NeoGaf post, and his instant fall into irrelevance. The object of the game will to be to fuck over as many people as possible by buying everything on sale. The final level will be Christmas Eve.

50 grand budget. The projected total sales is in the ten billions. We (me and my conspires in Anarchy, of course) hope to do this by porting it to everything that can read software that has ever existed. In fact, that will be where most of the budget will go to-paying other people to port it. In even more fact than the previous fact, we will only be making the GameBoy version of the game. It will come and conquer.

Only half of that was pulled out of the mushroom infested depths of my ass. Yes, you can write that off as a fat joke. I'm sorry...



For some reason "quirky" games are rising in popularity. We plan to reveal the truth behind the douche bags through our game.


Crap. I was typing this, left for a few hours, then came back. It's kind of late now, so instead of putting you through the painful process of more reading, I'll save the second half for later.