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10:24 AM on 11.11.2009

More of the Same: Gaming is for chil'ren

I first would like to apologize over the lack of postings recently. I have been working on a ton of other blogging articles for other sites, as well as working on way too many projects which will or not be revealed next year. That, and a recent sickness has rendered me near-useless to write at any productive level. So it goes.

Now that my health and my time has become more manageable, I figured I'd post something to ease myself back into the thick of things. But what? I had no idea.

Until, I came across this recent status update on my Facebook. Names and faces edited out to protect the moronic.

The fact that the edits look like penises are merely a delicious coincidence.

Just so you know. The first and last people on the comment posts are male. The others are female. Granted, some of them are the original poster's replies. Who, after that last comment, replied:

"not a good enough excuse..the only one ill accept is on your death bed! lol"

lol, indeed. Because, you see, only when you're at the final stages of cancer can you play video games unashamedly.


2009. The decade of the naughts (so, that's what we're calling it?) is almost over, and yet we still have this kind of thinking oh-so-prevalently filling our society. Comic book nerds never kissed a girl. 12 year-olds only play video games. WOMEN BE SHOPPIN'. To be fair, those comments were made by women, lest I be accused of sexist.

And before you ask: Why have them as friends? I believe that it's important to keep tabs on one's enemies, even the moronic ones, to know what they're up to and what their thinking, even if dumb shit like this spew from their mouths onto the keyboard in front of them. If you don't want to watch your boyfriend play video games, why don't you just leave? I'm sure there are other TVs in the house. GO SHOPPING, like your friends suggest. Do your hair, and other stereotypical things that women do. (I don't know-- make sandwiches? Jump off balconies? Is that a thing women do?)

It's sad to really see things like this nowadays, and I'm not saying she needs to utterly go out her way to understand the BEAUTY of video games or something like that. Just, with the evidence that many gamers are female and the fact that gaming is a legit, billion dollar industry, to snark on what is one of the biggest games of the year, followed by a shit-ton of stereotypes afterward, just reeks of a level of ignorance that I thought was gone-- or, at least a little less obvious.

I'd call this evil, but I'd be stretching the Monthly Musing definition here. Unless ya'll think I could portray it as evil-- which I think I could. What say you?   read

2:19 PM on 10.14.2009

Citizen Kane is to Pac-Man as Rosebud is to Wakka Wakka Wakka

Kane, after dying on Quick Man's stage for the 90th time.

The term "Citizen Kane of gaming" needs to be buried, along with "totes," "staycation," and "sparkling vampires".

Not because it's an exaggerated phrase, like the Godwin equivalent of any Internet argument invoking Hitler or the Holocaust. That, I don't mind. The problem is that it's trite. What's a famous movie that critics like? Citizen Kane. What do I like doing in my spare time? Gaming. How can I combine the two to create a delicious sandwich of my favorite pastime and art/intellectualism? Say X is the video game's Citizen Kane.

Beyond sounding like a hipster's failed attempt at MadLibs, the main issue is that it shows a somewhat obvious misunderstanding of a movie like Citizen Kane and, perhaps, movies in general. It was on the top of AFI's greatest movie list, but is by no means the most important movie to define cinema. Birth of a Nation defined the epic. Metropolis might be the first sci-fi/dystopian vision. Safety Last could be the first high-concept comedy.

Seeking the "Citizen Kane" of games is a silly endeavor because you should be seeking not one but several video games that redefined the genre in some manner. There are plenty games that do this, even if the use the same basic mechanics or style.

Below is an example. First is the final scene of Citizen Kane, which uses deep focus as a "larger than life" visual motif.


Now, below is a video from Jean Renoir's Rules of the Game, a French film that-- dare I say it-- also used deep focus! In fact, this movie is pretty damn famous (outside the US) and, I believe, uses deep focus much more effectively, especially in relation to the overly-complex plot involving emotional portrayals and backstabbing and cheating and so-on (by the way-- it's not as melodramatic as it sounds; it's actually pretty funny.)


I know that this makes me appear like some sort of hipster-film snob, but I'm not. Hell, I enjoyed Transformers!... when the robots were fighting. But I think the pursuit of a game that, as Destructoid's Burch quotes, "[utilizes] a medium's strength" is really nothing that you need to "find" so much as you have to explain in relation to the genre of video games as a whole. Citizen Kane's reputation is not unlike many other films that have been released; On the Waterfront is a good example, and so is Chinatown. Nothing particular is unique about deep focus and good editing; hell, this is what films should have. And, as being a complex character study? I can't count the number of good films focusing on one slightly-disturbed character.

As far as I'm concerned, Doom is a good contender is for such a title, in that it took the FPS and utilized it in a format that, at the time, was novel and seemed perfect for it. I personally wouldn't argue it, but it's a viable possibility. So is Goldeneye, Mario 64, Final Fantasy, and so on.

It's telling that the "Citizen Kane of gaming" is being used; no one says "the Macbeth of gaming" or "the Mona Lisa of gaming" or "the Death of a Salesman of gaming," all of which are genre defining and game-changing in their own ways. Let's be honest here-- it's not about genre-defining, since we have plenty of games that do that-- but it's about games as art, as the game we're "going to show to Ebert to convince him videogames are a legitimate art form". There's a pretty huge difference in games that utilize the medium to its most potent effect, and showing the world games can be art. The latter requires several games to do this, from the indie to the blockbuster to the foreign. It requires an avenue through which games can be studied and explored, returned to and debated, thought upon and analyzed. And while I truly admire sites like Destructoid trying to approach this issue, along with the active fanbase, I think that overall approach is flawed. I don't want "a" game to showcase gaming as an artform. I want "lots" of games. I want the people, the fans, the game designers, and so on to explain their thinking and their flaws, the ins and outs, the interplay of gamer/game, the controversy (real controversy, not Sambo-watermelon crap), and nuances of gaming as a whole.

A critic would already "roll his eyes" at the debate of a single game that's definitive of this.

The argument of Portal, Braid, Shadow of the Colossus, and Half-Life are starts. Hell, add in Pong, Pac-Man, Space Invaders, Mario 64, Sonic 3/Sonic and Knuckles, Mortal Kombat and Metal Gear Solid. Even the defunct Dreamcast. Show how they started an idea, began a movement, instigated a social and cultural response, supported or subjugated a genre, and so on.

Stop looking for the Rosebud, people, and start looking at everything around it.   read

8:55 PM on 09.08.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 19 of 19]

And finally, the resolution. Ahhh, sweet release.

Thanks to everyone who kept up with this! I'll be taking a short break (as in, working on my own original stuff) before I come back here with some more original blog type post things. Let me know what you think overall! At some point, I'll re-write this in proper format. :)

Thanks Destructoid for the opportunity!

Part 18 is here.


Ratchet, Sasha, Angela, and Clank stand on the roof within a new bustling city underneath a bright blue sky filled with flying cars and other aircraft.

They all watch a video on a floating vid-communicator screen with Abercrombie Fizzwidget signing a number of forms, while he waves and smiles for the camera.

…the exciting news that Fizzwidget will be taking full responsibility for all further developments at both Megacorp and Gadgetron. Courtney Gears and the leader of Thugs-4-Less are in custody, while Nefarious and Drek are nowhere to be found. In other news—

Ratchet turns it off.

I guess it never ends.

Some things do.

He turns to look at the two ladies in front of him.

You're really going back, huh?

I'm afraid so. Metropolis still needs a mayor.

And I just want to go home and get away from it all.

I hear you. It's why I escaped out here.

Thank you for all your help, Sasha, Angela.

I should be thanking you, Secret Agent Clank.

Clank laughs his signature laugh.

I believe my movie days are over.

Sasha hugs Ratchet. Angela hugs Clank. Angela hugs Ratchet. Sasha hugs Clank.

Take care.

Will do.

You too.

The two girls turn towards each other. There's a moment between them before they shake each other's hands.

You do good work. If you're ever in Metropolis, drop me a line. Maybe I can get you a job.

Politics? No thanks. Maybe security.

I can handle myself, thank you very much.


They smile at each other.

Ratchet and Clank watch silently as the two ladies head to their respective ships. The enter them, they blast off, and they disappearing into the sky in opposite directions.

Ratchet looks at Clank. Clank looks at Ratchet.

We make a pretty good team.

I would have to agree on that point.

So let's see if we can get this baby going!

You are certainly back, Ratchet.

The two walk over to a metal, motorcycle-like aircraft vehicle. Clank grabs the vid-communicator screen and presses a few buttons, changing it into a checklist, while Ratchet fiddles with the vehicle.



Horizontal stabilizers.


Ion thrusters.

Looks like we got a tailwind. If we time it right, we could ride the slipstream of the grav-train past the Sea Green track—


--launch the mag-grabler onto that headway overpass and slingshot right up to—


Ratchet waves Clank off.

The thrusters are fine, Clank. See?

He turns on the thrusts. They power on for a second then shut down with a puff a smoke. Clank gives Ratchet a look.

Er, don't worry! It's probably just a fused ion duct.


THE END   read

11:06 AM on 09.06.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 18 of ???]


Wow, to think this is the second to last one. Wow, it's been a fun, fun, ride.

Part 17 is here.


The Thug Leader laughs manically as his humvee approaches the Discovery crew, who are trapped under the hail of laser fire from his gattling gun.

Suddenly, they hear a scream.

Get out of the way, Lardo!

Hey! Who you callin'—

He turns and sees Gears hustling towards him, complete with the Bio-Obliterator obliterating everything in its path.

The goons and robots scream and run all over the place in a mess of chaos and disorder.


He immediately stops firing and hops off the humvee. The ball runs over some of the goons and bots, leaving Gears and the Thug Leader the only ones running from it, Indiana-Jones style.

The Bio-Obliterator rolls towards the Discovery crew.

Look out!

Sasha, Angela, Qwark, Al, Helga, and Skidd duck into the tiniest corners they can find as Gears, the Thug Leader, and the massive ball run past them. At the very end of the hall, the two jump into another side doorway as the ball rolls past them, into the wall—and through it.

It bowls through the wall, tearing a humongous hole into side of the stadium, into the outside world.


The Bio-Obliterator rolls out into the streets, where pedestrians and cars and ships swerve out the way to avoid it.

It tumbles towards the dock and rolls right off it, splashing into the water, causing a huge tidal wave, splashing over the entire bay area, practically.

Gears and the Thug Leader peek out the hole, staring at the tremendous amount of damage.

Whew. Dat was a close one.


They look up and see a host of Galactic Rangers, piloting several heavily armed aircraft. The Galactic President sits within the main ship leading the armada.

The two criminals put their hands up as the ships land. Two rangers immediately jump out and arrest Gears and the Thug Leader. The Galactic President emerges from his ship and looks around.

Immediately after, Sasha comes sprinting out.



She runs over and gives him a hug hug. The rest of the crew stumbles out into the daylight. Behind them, a huge number of patrons rush out like a wave, fleeing for their lives.

A RANGER CONTROLLER with a loudspeaker tries to speak to the crowd.

Now, if we can all just form one line so we can take individual statements.

The entire crowd rushes past him as if he wasn't there.

Dude. Let it go.

The Ranger Controller sighs and looks dejectedly.

Suddenly, both Angela and Sasha turn towards the stadium.


The entire remaining group stares at the stadium. Waiting.


Ratchet stares down silently at the destroyed mess left by the Obliterator on his hoverboard.

He slowly turns around and gazes at the announce booth, directly at Drek.

Drek stares back. Neither says a word. Green eyes gaze hard into eyes of pure emerald.

Ratchet glides over to Drek, slowly at first, then with increasing speed. He grits his teeth, which becomes a growl.

Right as he gets near the booth, Drek whips out a massive gun from behind his back and fires a huge, explosive barrage of flames, tearing through the window like nothing.

The burnt remains of the hoverboard lands at his feet. Drek kicks it and looks out before him.


The Lombax falls down from above and gives Drek a powerful kick to his face, sending him flying across the room. Clank's rocket boosts slowly lower Ratchet onto his feet.

He picks up the dropped gun and walks over to Drek slowly, who's trying to crawl away.

I was just kidding, Ratchet! C'mon! It's all in good fun!

Ratchet has the look of death on his face as he steps closer towards Drek.

I have you want, Ratchet! It's all in this computer! Every single detail about the Lombaxes! What they stand for! Where they are now! Don't you want that? Don't you want to know where you come from? Who you are?

No. Not at your expense.

He raises his gun in the air.


-- Ratchet and Sasha look at each other on Veldin.

You are sure something special, Ratchet.

-- The Lombax whoops some Protopet butt on Veldin.

I know what I can do.

-- Ratchet and Angela look at each other at Qwark’s Hideout.

Like Lombaxes are built for action.

-- He performs some amazing feats to escape the rangers and goons on the Veldin powerlines.

I know what I'm capable of.

-- He talks with the New-Age Alien on Tebora.

You will have to confront your worst enemy to find it.

-- He stares at his reflection on the windshield in his ship on Veldin.

-- He stares at his reflection in the oasis on Tebora.

I know who I am.

-- He and Clank cheer over defeating the fake Ratchet and Klunk on Tebora.

… to understand their role in galactic society.

-- Ratchet and Clank pilot the escape pod through the depths of space towards Endako.

-- Clank leans over and whispers into his ear on the platform in the MegaRumble Stadium.


Drek gawks up at the renewed and rejuvenated Lombax.

This is what you were born for.

RATCHET (simultaneously)
This is what I was born for.

Drek frowns at that powerful statement. Ratchet stands above him.

The frown turns into a twisted, sadistic grin.

Then this is what you will die for.

He turns swiftly and slams on a huge red button behind him. The entire place begins flashing alarms and sirens blare into the air.

Drek begins to laugh. Louder. Louder. His laughter echoes all over as machines break apart and wires explode from the walls. Lights pop and the entire building begins to shake.

DREK (in creepy hysterics)
There's no central pad to press to save you from this, Lombax!

Ratchet backs up from Drek as a huge part of the scaffolding onto his vicinity, his form immediately disappearing underneath it. His laugh is still heard but the sirens drown it out eventually.

Ratchet sprints to the last remaining console and quickly starts typing in commands.

Clank! I can download the code off this machine! I can save her in time, and—

Clank places his hand on top of Ratchet's stopping him.

We must let it go, Ratchet. She knows she must be destroyed. Her, and everything with her.

Ratchet and Clank look up at the massive green screen above them. Even as everything shakes and crumbles around them, the screen remains blank and silent. An understood calmness in the storm.

Clank hops onto Ratchet's back and the two hustle out of there.


Rangers forcefully back up the crowd as huge chucks of the stadium begin to fall apart and rip at the seams. Giant fireballs propel from a number of sections. Metal debris rains down from the sky as the roof of the stadium collapse upon itself. The entire thing in time crumbles save for a few side walls and arches.


The winds howl silently as Rangers and other uniformed personnel rush over with hoses, spraying water onto the burning wreckage. No movement is noticeable except for the flickering flames spread all over.

SASHA (to herself)

Everyone around the wrecked stadium looks down, sad, and dejected. Helga and Big Al cry loud sobs against each other. Even Captain Qwark sheds a few tears.

Whoa! Dudes, look!

Everyone turns and looks up, From the darkness of one of the remaining archways, Ratchet and Clank walk out calmly. They're covered in soot and dirt, but are other wise fine.

The crowd erupts in cheers and applause. The two heroes smile and wave to the excited mass around them, enjoying the moment as much as they can.

Darla Gratch suddenly makes an appearance, zooming over with her CAMERAMAN.

Ratchet! Clank! Two heroes-turned-villains-turned-heroes have indeed done the impossible: dispatched the universe's most notorious criminals, stopped perhaps the most dangerous plot in all of super-villain history, and cleared his own name, all at the same time! What do you have to say for yourself?

She points the mic at them both. Ratchet tries to speak but can't catch his breath. Clank just coughs black smoke.

The Galactic President appears in a flash. He hugs the two against his chest.

I'd just like to say that I believed these two were innocent all this time. In fact, this was an all an undercover operation, designed by me, to expose Drek and his shenanigans!

Ratchet and Clank struggle to breathe in the President's arms.

Remember, a vote for me is a vote to be free!

Now, mister President…

He snatches the mic from Gratch's hand and talks directly at the cameraman's camera.

Don't forget, this amazing plan of yours was spear-headed by yours truly! Displaying amazing bravado and a keen sense of keenness, I first deduced easily that the Lombax couldn't have possibly—

--As I was saying, vote for me in the next election—

--that's Q-W-A-R-K. A lot of people misspell it with a U—

-- probably cause that's the way you're supposed to spell it! Now, remember, folks—

As the two fight and mug for the camera, Ratchet and Clank sneak off to the side, towards Angela and Sasha.

Aren't you going to fight for you dues?

Nah, they can have it. I don't need any attention right now.

Clank laughs his signature laugh.

Look, Ratchet… we're sorry we never went after you after you left the Discovery.

Yeah. That was kind of a selfish thing to do.

No. It's all my fault. I'm sorry for bailing on you.

He looks to Sasha, Angela, and Clank.

I'm lucky to have you all as friends. Al, Helga, Skidd, and yes, even Qwark. Sometimes.

The three of them laugh as the Rangers clean up the mess and the President and Qwark fight it out.   read

6:52 PM on 09.03.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 17 of ???]

Getting there, guys... almost at the end. Some climactic stuff ahead. :)


Part 16 is here.


The clanking noises of Clank's feet grow louder. He rushes out one of the bleacher doors and hustles through the crowds. The goons security sees him and tries to shoot him, but he's too small to hit.

He leaps over the edge of the walls and rockets over on to the platform where Ratchet lies.

Ratchet… please. You must get up. Everyone here is depending on you.

I… I can't do it. I'm a failure. I screwed up everything.

That is not true! You exposed Drek's and Nefarious's plans. You saved the galaxy countless times. You can do this.

Why bother? There's nothing left for me. I can't do it, and even if I could, it'd be for nothing.


Ratchet turns his head from Clank.

I found her, Ratchet.

The Lombax turns his head towards Clank.


I found my mother. She controls this. She is what Drek used to frame you. She knows you, Ratchet. She knows the real you. She knows what Lombaxes all about.

Ratchet looks to Clank with a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes.

You can do this, Ratchet. She told me to tell you this.

Clank leans into Ratchet's ear and whispers. Suddenly, his eyes pop open.


Ace Hartlight leaps and grabs hold of the edge of the platform with ease. He starts to lift himself up.

A pair of Lombax boots slam right against Ace’s face. Ratchet’s rocket-kick knocks Hartlight back to the ground, not before leaping off the robot and landing on the top edge of the walls.

Ratchet sprints across the walls, over all the traps, which elicits huge cheers from the captive audience.

An angry Ace begins firing laser shots at Ratchet, running along the ground. Skillfully the Lombax avoids every shot, leaping from wall to wall with the help of Clank’s rocket-blasts. The crowd goes nuts.

Drek watches the scene unfold in brooding silence. The clock reads thirty-three minutes. Nefarious scoffs.

Enough of this! Gears! Finish him once and for all!

What ever you say, snooky-wookums!

She hops back on her hoverboard and zooms back out into the battlefield. Nefarious calls out after her.

Stop calling me that!

She rides the board out over towards two other FEMALE ROBOT DANCERS near the announcer booth. They hop on their own hoverboards and go racing into battle.

Meanwhile, Ratchet still moves quickly along the wall edges, Ace still on his tail. Gears and her cohorts tag along. A laser light show of firepower zooms past Ratchet and Clank on all sides.

He reaches the end of the wall and leaps crazy-high over the stadium walls, landing in the bleachers. Two guards try to shoot him, but he ducks, inadvertently making the guards shoot each other.

Ace leaps high into the air to reach Ratchet.

The Lombax turns around, dual armed with the fallen guards weapons.

Two powerful shots knock Ace out in mid-air, the robot slamming on his back with a powerful thud. Gears gasps.

Like, annihilate him!

All three female robots begin blasting. Ratchet leaps high into the air and shoots Gears right off her board, who lands right on top of Ace. The Lombax pulls two swift moves and blast the other femme bots off as well.

The clock reads thrity-two minutes. Drek grits his teeth and yells into the mic loudly.


The voice echoes throughout the stadium. Sasha and Angela scream.

Ratchet acts FAST. He kicks the two free hoverboards into overdrive and knocks them hard towards the tubes. They zoom through the air, right as the platform beneath the ladies opens up.

They scream as they fall. The hoverboards speed over towards them at the same time.

They fall on the boards right before they disappear into the acid. The crowd goes wild.

Drek slams his fists hard against the console.

(to Nefarious) Fire the Bio-Obliterator! (to the Thug Leader) You! I want every goon, security personnel, robot—every plebian with a gun to kill that Lombax!

You got it!

He rushes out the room as Nefarious rubs his hands together.

Ooooh, goodie! Time to bring this planet to my side! Lawrence! Give me the switch!

Lawrence hands him a device with a huge red button. Nefarious presses it.

In the center of the battle zone, the Bio-Obliterator charges itself up, glowing yellow, orange, and white.

SASHA (pointing at the Bio-Obliterator)

Ratchet sees it, and turns his board, zooming towards it.

Behind you!

He turns and sees Ace running like a bulldozer through every trap and wall, ripping through everything like paper. On his shoulders sit Gears, dual-wielding a set of blasters on her own.

RATCHET (to Angela and Sasha)
Go rescue the rest of the crew! I'll handle this!


Just go!

He zooms off towards the Bio-Obliterator. Sasha and Angela shrug at each other and dart off into the halls of the stadium.

At this point, every single enemy is trying to shoot Ratchet, thousands of laser shoots flinging through the air. But with impeccable, determined skill, he avoids every single one.

As he gets closer to the Bio-Obliterator, a huge, giant, armed robot with rocket-powered feet flies down, piloted by both Lawrence and Dr. Nefarious.

Now I shall have my revenge! Lawrence, destroy him!

The machine unloads a barrage of blasts at Ratchet, who zigs off course to avoid them.

The Bio-Obliterator grows brighter and brighter.


Angela and Sasha race through the internal halls of the stadium.

Do you know where we need to go?

If I remember the schematic correctly, it's over here!

She turns a corner and Angela follows. They eventually indeed reach where Qwark, Skidd, Big Al, and Helga are held captive.

Hey! Sasha! Angela!


Boy am I glad to see you! I bet you're just as glad to see (flexes) me…

Everyone just looks at Qwark.

Er, sorry.

Well, don't just float there! Get us out! Get us out!

In one second.

She hops off her board and fiddles with the nearby controls. Angela leaps off hers as well, checking the areas around them. She turns a corner, and sees several goons and robots running towards them.

Looks like we got company!

Just give me a minute…

Angela trips the first goon hard with a well-placed kick, and flips another over her back, throwing him into the robots. She grabs the dropped blaster off the ground and starts to provide cover fire.


A click is heard, and the gates open, freeing the crew from their prison!

Got it!

They all rush out the jail, staying low to avoid the laser fire.

Grab a weapon, guys! We're gonna have to fight our way out!

All six members battle their way down the hall, picking up the dropped weapons and the laser fire continues.

Lasers volley back and forth as the crew duck, cover, and return fire.

Angela and Sasha end up back-to-back, picking off two good shots and nailing their enemies. They look at each other and share a smile.

Make way, boys! Time to test this baby out!

The goons and bots separate as the Thug Leader drives in on a humvee-like vehicle with a huge machine gun attached to the front.

Time to make you's into mince-meat, meat-heads! Heh. That was pretty clever.

The gattling gun winds up before unloading a high-speed barrage of laser shots, around a hundred shots per second! The crew duck around the corners as their surroundings are destroyed by the gunfire!

There's no way we can get past this thing!

The car drives closer to them, the rest of their enemies following behind it.


The Bio-Obliterator gains more and more energy as Ratchet works his way around the stadium to dodge the bullets, with Ace, Gears, and Nefarious' robot on his tail.

He surfs underneath the Bio-Obliterator, maneuvering carefully around the thick, metal support poles holding it up. Continuous laser fire blasts in his direction, many of them striking the poles and knocking them down.

Loud creaking is heard as the center structure begins to fall apart. The poles collapse and pieces break apart, but Ratchet skillfully avoids them with jumps, ducks, and dodges, clearly in his element.

In time the massive screen with the timer rips off and falls, tearing a hole in the bottom of the Bio-Obliterator, ripping it as bursts of electrical energy and exposed wires and hoses drop from the destroyed section.

Gears looks up, seeing the screen crumple towards her and Ace, the latter too busy shooting at Ratchet to notice. She leans over and gives Ace a kiss on the forehead.

I don't think this relationship is going to work out. Hugs and kisses!

She jumps off and books it. Ace looks confused, but then looks up and sees the screen tumbling right towards him.

A high-pitched squeal emerges from his mouth, right before the screen crushes him flat.

Meanwhile, Nefarious' robot searches for Ratchet within the crumbling structure beneath the Bio-Obliterator, which still powers up, but is quivering atop the weakened structure.

Where are you, my little squishie friend? I want to make amends! And by that I mean I want to mend your entrails as a medal!

That was exceedingly gross, sir.

Yeah? You know, I was thinking that was a little overboard. How about 'I want to mend your face to the bottom of my foot'?

Poetic license is not your strong suit, sir.

As the two ramble on, Ratchet slips out in secret behind the Obliterator. Clank jumps off Ratchet and onto the back of the massive robot. He unlatches a compartment, exposing a glowing mechanical part, similar to an engine core.

He gives Ratchet the thumbs up. The Lombax grabs one the loose electric hoses dangling from the Bio-Obliterator.

Here's one, Nefarious—consider yourself hosed!

He shoves the end of the hose into the engine core. The robot writhes and shakes powerfully as it's overloaded with excess energy, making it glow, the rockets going from red to blue to white.

Nefarious jumps and squeezes Lawrence and screams as the robot surges upward with a huge burst of speed and energy, ripping through the rest of the structure, exploding through the roof and blasting off into space.

The Bio-Obliterator begins to roll off its hinges, the massive ball bouncing off, explosions ripping from the outer walls as it powers down and shuts off, becoming nothing more than a deadly, unstoppable metal boulder.

It rolls onto the stadium floor and tumbles over the walls and traps like nothing. Gears screams and sprints as the Bio-Obliterator topples after her.

She ducks into the doorway leading underneath the stadium. The ball still goes after her, rolling through the walls, outer structure, and obstacles without even slowing down.   read

8:18 PM on 09.01.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 16 of ???]

Things are not boding well for our Lombax hero...

Next part is up!


Part 15 is here.


Ratchet surges into the gigantic, open field of the stadium around him. The air is alive with the deafening crowds, cheering and yelling frantically in unabashed excitement. Around him are the robotic remains of past warriors and destroyed weapons. In front of him, two giant robots clash in a heated hand-to-hand brawl.

On the other side of the field, high in the stands, within the announcer booth, Drek saunters in calmly, meeting with Nefarious, the Thug Leader, and Lawrence. The SCOREKEEPER ROBOT is also there, who seems to be tallying every blow the battling bots are giving each other down below.

I take it everything is ready?

Nefarious mumbles something unclear towards Drek.

What was that?

I said everything is ready! You…

He trails off into another set of unclear obscenities.

Drek gives Dr. Nefarious a look before he turns to the scorekeeper.

These moronic excuses for Rock'em Sock'em Robots are still at it?


...blow them both up.


He presses a button on the console in front of him.

On the battlefield, the mechanical warriors suddenly start beeping. They look down at the small collars that they're wearing; a light flashes on them. The look at each other, helplessly, and give each other a hug while crying.

Their heads explode right off. The audience cheers even louder.

Drek grabs an intercom piece and starts to talk into it, which booms and echo all around the stadium.

Looks like we have a tie!

Cheers fill the air excitedly at that announcement.

But enough with the small fries, folks. It time for the main event! We at the Megacorp-Gadgetron Corporation have managed to acquire, for your entertainment, the most famous and infamous creature the galaxy has ever seen, the intergalactic hero-turned-public enemy number one: ladies and gentlemen, introducing Ratchet!

The crowd replies in a mix of gasps, applause, and boos as every single light and camera focuses on Ratchet, who has to squint. Cameras flash and camcorders roll, watching his every reaction. His horrified face is even on the big screen.

Ratchet has… ahem, agreed to forgo a few years in prison to instead fight for life and death, all for you and your children!

The audience goes nuts.

And which of our sadistic gladiators will the Lombax be going up against? None of them! Instead, he will be going up a brand new enemy! A staple from many of your childhood pasts, coming back to right certain wrongs! Introducing Ace Hartlight two-point-O!

Ratchet's jaw drops as the crowds go wild. The whole battleground begins to shift now. Huge walls and deathtraps sprout from the walls and floors. Two massive tube-like structures slide out from the walls on opposite ends of the stadium. Electric wires, flamethrowers, spikes, sharpened pendulums—all sorts of dangerous torture devices spring up, including two boiling pots of acid under the tubes.

At the far end, a huge cage emerges from the ground upon a tower that rises into the air. Inside is ACE HARTLIGHT 2.0, a robotic version of a perfectly chiseled, handsome specimen of a man, with glowing read eyes.

He squeezes his cage bars, crushing the metal with ease. This makes the audience go crazy.

But that's not all, folks! Ratchet will have forty-five minutes to defeat Ace Hartlight. If he fails…

The numbers "45:00" appears on the corner of the big screen. Above that screen, however, rises what appears to be a giant, mechanical, miniature version of the Death Star. The audience oohs and aahs.

… that device, the Bio-Obliterator, created by the… uh… impressionable Doctor Nefarious, will turn you all into robots, where you will assist me in finishing my original plan of destroyed other planets to create another perfect planet, which I will exploit for my own gain and yadda, yadda, yadda. Don't bother to try and escape, or you will be shot. Thank you.

The audience gasps, although the robotic members still cheer and hoot.

And finally, just to up the ante, and just because I really don't care, at the thirty minute mark…

The two tubes suddenly shift open, revealing Sasha in one pole and Angela in the other. They bang at the glass, but are unable to escape. They are inaudible, but their eyes focus on the captured Lombax.

… Ratchet's two lovebirds will be dropped in two giant vats of boiling acid, forcing him to choose the one who he really pines for, and ignoring the one who he was just stringing along all this time. And that's if he can even get away to save them!

The audience is a mixed bag of emotions of cheers, yells, boos, and cries. Ratchet's concern is on the two females caught in their glass prison. The look on his face is of complete worthlessness.

It all boils down to this. Are you a hero, Ratchet? Or are you just a failure? Time will tell. Let's get it on!

Riding in on a flying hoverboard, Courtney Gears floats down onto the same platform that hosts the captured Ace Hartlight. She blows the robot a kiss before opening the gate, and a the machine comes sprinting out towards Ratchet, leaping over the walls and traps with ease.

Ratchet struggles in his chains as Ace pounds in closer and closer, his steps bending every metal platform he lands on. He leaps high into the air, over Ratchet's platform, and comes flying down, ready to crush the Lombax.

Suddenly, Ratchet's chains come loose. He immediately rolls off the platform as Ace lands on it, hard, ripping into the top like a wrecking ball. The crowd cheers as Ratchet lands on the ground, dodged a swinging sword from nowhere, and hauls tail through the maze of walls and traps.


Elsewhere in the darkened corridors is a room with the rest of the captured crew of the Discovery—Skidd, Helga, Big Al, and Captain Qwark. Qwark, specifically, is playing a harmonica.

Clank, however, is a prison of his own—he's attached to some sort of containment device. His head and feet are plugged into this device, and his eyes are pure white.


Inside Clank's head is another world, all green and composed mostly of lasers and circuitry. Clank, or a version of him, is stuck behind a set of green laser bars. Surrounding the bars is another set of robot ninja-pirates. One speaks, again, where his lips don't match his voice.

Arrg, matey! You won't be escaping this metaphorical representation of your computerized mental state. Ah-ha ha! Ha-ha! Ha!

You are lucky these bars are here. You know I very well can take you all.

Ha-ha! Ha! Those bars are powered by the computer's mainframe! There is absolutely no way that they will ever go off, ever!

All the robot pirate-ninjas start laughing.

The bars suddenly turn off.

The robot pirate-ninjas stop laughing.

Clank gives them a "start running" look.


Ratchet leans up against a wall, tired and bruised, but otherwise still intact. He looks around, making sure no cameras or lights are focused on him.

The booming sounds of Ace's footsteps are heard nearby. Ratchet holds his breath. The steps slowly start to fade away. He releases the air from his lungs and turns the corner—

And runs right into Ace.


He ducks as Ace swings a massive punch, which tears a hole into the metal wall. The Lombax flees again, leaping over flames and avoiding spinning spikes; Ace, being a robot now, runs though it all without a scratch. He even pulls out a laser blaster now, firing endlessly at Ratchet.

The Lombax dodges the blasts, but barely. He struggles to run through his fatigue, but he keeps on going. He turns another corner and ducks down into a small trench. Ace stops running, looking left and right for him.

A whistle noise is heard. Ratchet looks up from his hiding place, and sees Courtney Gears on her hoverboard, pointing right at him.

There he is, Acey-Poo!

Ace Hartlight groans and shakes his head, but then fires his blaster at Ratchet. He leaps out in the nick of time, and hustles out of there, Ace on his tail, Gears tracking him from above.


A final punch knocks the metal teeth out of the remaining robot ninja-pirate. Clank is surrounded by a number of the unconscious machines. He wipes his hands cleanly.

That was easy. Now, who would have released me from that cage?

There's a mechanical, computational sound that occurs behind Clank. He turns around. In the air floats a huge sequence of letters and numbers, flashing before his eyes. He scans them all, carefully, quickly. He gasps.


The coding sequence "opens" up like a door, revealing a giant green screen, completely blank save for a flashing cursor mark. CLANK'S MOM does not speak, but communicates through the text on the screen.

Hello, Clank.

I cannot believe I found you. I mean the odds are astronomical. One billion, four hundred thirty-eight million, nine hundred fifty-six thousand, seven hounded and twelve to one, to be exact.

Precisely. It is good to see you, too, Clank. But, unfortunately, this cannot last. There is something you must do.

What is it?

You must destroy me.

Clank gasps.


The timer ticks down to forty minutes.

Ratchet looks up at both Angela and Sasha. They're trying to be strong while confined but with each second they grow more and more worried. He can only return a helpless look, unable to do anything.

A massive blade flings by Ratchet, knocking him off his feet. He looks up, noticing Gears with a number of those blade-boomerang weapons. She starts tossing them like mad at the Lombax.

He jumps and leaps over each one before rushing out of her line of sight. He slides underneath another swinging pendulum, but is knocked hard against a wall by a swinging pole. Everything goes dizzy for him; he starts stumbling.


Clank shakes his head wildly.

But there must be some other option!

I have scanned every piece of my software. There is no other solution. Drek is using me for his purposes. The weapons in the stadium. The Bio-Obliterator.

Clank is hurt at the choice.

Do not worry. I will always be around, Clank. You once told me that you would try to make me proud.

Clank eyes look up at the screen in surprise.

You already have.

Clank smiles brightly at that message.

Ratchet is in great danger. He needs you. When I free you, Clank, you must tell him this message, for he is the only one that can save you all.

Which message is that?

Clank reads what the screen displays. He nods.

Lights begin to surround Clank. Everything begins to go white.


Clank's eyes slowly fade back to his traditional green color. The device trapping him recedes into the wall, freeing the little robot. He pushes himself up to his knees, then his feet, his face ready for action.

He sprints down the hall, little feet making clanking noises as he runs past the prisons with the rest of the Discovery crew.

It's Clank! And he is free!

Helga, Big Al, Skidd, and Qwark call out to Clank.

Hey! Clank! Save us! Get us out of here! Do you have the key! Open up these bars!

Clank runs right past.


The crewmembers stare at the disappearing Clank blankly.


Ratchet is done. Mentally.

Huffing and puffing as he holds his stomach and barely trots through the death course, the Lombax has nothing left. He leans against the wall, holding his weakened self up. The time reads thirty-six minutes.

A small, round, blinking device lands at Ratchet's feet. His eyes go wide and he tries to climb the wall to escape it.

It explodes and sends Ratchet flying through the air. The entire audience gasps as he lands hard onto the platform sporting Ace's cage.

Drek's laughter is heard through the intercom, all around the stadium.

It looks like it's all over for you, Ratchet. Do feel that? That humiliation? That pain?

Drek's voice grows angrier as he speaks.

That was my pain! That was my humiliation! I want you to feel every single sensation I felt that day you stopped me. You are a failure, Ratchet! And now, everyone knows!

Dr. Nefarious and the Thug Leader look at each other.

Whoa. And I thought I hated the little furball. That guy's off his rocker.

It takes one to know one, sir.

You're telling me. Wait, what?

Whatever, I'm just in it for the bolts.

Drek watches the barely mobile Ratchet with a quiet glee.

The Lombax is indeed feeling those sensations, with those hot lights, floating cameras, and awe-struck spectators helplessly watching.

Ace Hartlight 2.0 approaches the platform slowly, taking his time to reach him. Country Gears smirks, and flies over towards the announcer booth, to watch the final blow with the rest of Ratchet's enemies.

To the Lombax, there is no sound, no noise, no anything. He can barely move, his face frozen in the full realization of absolute disappointment.


-- He sees his sad face within the oasis

-- He records his message to the camera to the Discovery crew

-- He sees the disappointed looks of all his friends on Barlow

-- He reflects on the dream he had on the escape pod

Anyone can fall from grace, but it takes a particularly special someone to bring their friends down with them.

-- He witnesses the helpless faces of Sasha and Angela.


Ratchet slowly closes his eyes. He lets out a breath as if it was his last one.   read

10:56 AM on 08.30.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 15 of ???]

Here's the next batch.

This next couple of scenes were a little tricky, and I'll have to really work to fix them up, so feedback on these will be most requested. If you every seen Gladiator, Sleepy Hollow, Lucky Number Slevin, or the Saw movies, they have these flashes, these moments of reflection, like really quick flashbacks. They're called "Quick Flashes" according to The Screenwriter's Bible, but I'm not sure if they're formatted correctly, as the book doesn't exactly explain it in detail. I'll need to purchase a screenplay from those movies and compare/contrast.

Right now, though, if things make sense here, just let me know if you can. Thanks!


Part 14 is here.


A groggy Lombax slowly awakens to find himself in chains. Green eyes look around as the Lombax's location slowly comes into a clear view—refurbished prison quarters. Cozy, with beds, benches, and lockers, but complete with jail bars, massive metal gates, and security cameras.

As his surroundings come into focus, he realizes that Dr. Nefarious, Lawrence and the Thug Leader are standing in the background. They wave at him.

Suddenly, Drek's face comes right into view, up close and personal.

Hello, Ratchet. I have to admit I expected you three hours ago.

Huh? What? What's going on?

He struggles in his chains.

Where's Clank? Where's my crew?

My dear Lombax, I think you have more pressing matters to consider than the location of your sorry excuse for friends.


Ratchet tries to attack Drek but can't. All three villains laugh.

Looks like you's stuck between a rock and uh… um… er…

A hard place, perhaps?

Hard place? Dat don't make no sense. Stupid robot.

What!? You dare speak ill of the robot race! Once I am done here, you squishes will be nothing more than an organic ooze used to lubricate trash compactors!

Ya. Sure. Whatever. It's good t' have goals, I suppose.

DR. NEFARIOUS (furious)

He snaps in anger, but completely freezes, triggering his head to elicit a soap opera show, where a SOAP OPERA ACTOR and a SOAP OPERA ACTRESS speak their horrid parts.

-- to leave you again. But I must! For you see, I have another lover!

But you cannot! For you see, I am that same lover!

Oh, dear, you've done gone and riled him up a bit.

Drek and Ratchet just stare at all this.

Are you done?

In one moment, Mister Drek.

Lawrence slaps Dr. Nefarious hard, knocking him out of his trace and putting him back into his rant mode.

--oooooo! Mark my words, you filthy, air breathing waste receptacles, after the day is over—

Nefarious, I am having a moment here—

-- I swear on the race of my own kind you will be completely and utterly annihilated off the face of the universe! Everyone single one of you!

Drek looses his cool.

Now listen to me you fake, pathetic pile of gears! You have the audacity to speak on the behalf of robot kind? You were nothing but moronic, failed, living mad scientist who was embarrassingly dispatched by Captain Qwark, of all people! You became a robot by pure dumb idiocy. So if you do not shut up this instant I will make it my personal mission to make sure every robot in the entire universe knows about your embarrassing secret, forcing you to return you that asteroid that I saved your wretched, feeble behind from!

Nefarious is absolutely dumb-stricken silent.

The Thug Leader tries to stifle his laughter.

I believe you have just been p-owned, sir.


The robot waiter and blue skin creature just break in hysterics.

I'll just go and prepare everything upstairs. Join me when you stop giggling like fools!

Nefarious storms off in a huff. The Thug Leader and Lawrence follow, still laughing crazily.

Drek rolls his eyes.

As you can most likely tell, Ratchet, it was me who put this entire plan together.


Drek grins. He turns around and faces the Lombax up close.

You haven't figured it out yet? Tisk, tisk, Ratchet. Maybe you have been out of it recently, cause people are always trying to kill you.

Ratchet looks at Drek closely.


-- Ratchet sits in the Gadgetron office during his job interview.

Uh… no. I've been out of it, recently. Cause people are always trying to kill me.


Drek smiles at Ratchet's facial expressions as the Lombax begins to remember.

I've realized something, Ratchet, while I was in jail.

Drek's face moves in closer.


Drek is adorned in orange prison clothes. His eyes are glued to the TV screen, watching some sort of game show battle, where Ratchet is shooting and blowing up robot enemies left and right.

Pondering so long how you could have stopped me. Then Qwark and the Thug Leader. And Nefarious. Entire armies of goons, Blargians, Tyrranoids, and robots. And then, while I watched you during your stint in Dreadzone, it hit me.

Drek's eyes shimmer with a stroke of realization.


Drek glares at Ratchet, right in the eye.

You're not normal. You're different. I needed to know about you. I needed to understand you.

Ratchet says nothing, but his breathing grows slightly heavier.


Drek sits in the back of a limo-ship, staring at the floating remains of what looks to be an outer space stadium. Hovering, destroyed bleachers, seats, food stands, robot parts, ship parts, lights, and other debris fill the vacuous space.

Clearly you can't just finish off someone like you by throwing a bunch of bullets and explosions at you. No. You would have to be disposed of another way. A businessman must always prepare.

Drek squints carefully as he sees the remains of a complex ship compartment, filled with ruined computer equipment and machines.

Gleeman Vox had one heck of system going. He was using technology that was beyond the scope of this universe, most of it just plain illegal. But very, very powerful.[/i]

Drek grins.


The area of space is now filled with robots and creatures in space suits, busily organizing and restructuring the debris, using large ships and crane-like aircraft to haul the parts around.

I put quite a bit of bolts into exploiting Dreadzone capabilities. I hired the Thug-4-Less goons to assist, and even managed to find that worthless Nefarious floating helplessly on a rock.

Dr. Nefarious and Lawrence work on the mechanical panel against a partially destroyed satellite system. Lawrence hands Dr. Nefarious a few tools as the robot scientist fiddles with the wiring.

Nefarious is suddenly shocked by a huge current and freezes again, with a goofy look on his face. The wiring lights up though, and the satellite dish begins to move. Lawrence gives a thumbs up—

-- to Drek, who is inside a nearby ship, a more complex, larger one, complete with a series of consoles and computers all its own. Drek proceeds to fiddle with the controls, the satellite rotating slowly as the signals it receive trigger several different "channels" that flash across the screen.

One channel involves two robots hitting each other. Another has a Blargian walk into a room and trip over an Ottoman. Another channel shows Captain Qwark using a Crotchetizer on himself.

Drek flinches at that one and changes the channel again.

And then, I found it. The story of the Lombax.

On the screen is a shot of a number of Lombaxes interacting. Drek smiles widely.


Ratchet's jaw drop at Drek.

Yes, Ratchet. Everything about you. How you work, how you think, how you act. I was generous enough to give you a little taste of itt.

The Lombax's breathing grows heavier.


-- Ratchet struggles at the controls on his escape pod, trying to receive the signal.

-- Ratchet stares through the windshield of the Discovery at the Lombax video before him.


Ratchet's eyes grow angry with a twinge of pain.


Yes, Ratchet, me. And it was me who put this plan together. To frame you. To ruin you. To make you into nothing. If I couldn't finish you physically, I'd have to do it mentally.

Drek reaches out and pinches Ratchet's cheek. The Lombax jerks his face away.


-- Drek shakes hands with Fizzwidget in a crowded press conference.

I rebuilt Gadgetron and Megacorp from the ground up. I brought along Nefarious and the Thug Leader as well.

-- Scientists inject the Protopet with something.

I had the Protopet rewired per my specifications—

-- Ratchet fights off the Protopets on Veldin.

To attack only you, at the perfect moment.

-- The Lombax sleeps in his bed on Veldin. Outside his house, goons run around and place several cages with Protopets locked inside. Another goon slips into Ratchet's ship and removes the engine.

All placed while you slept, probably dreaming about your miserable existence at that point.

-- Ratchet and Sasha watch the video of the fake Ratchet planting bombs in the Gadgetron basement.

Nefarious built the perfect fake Ratchet to frame you, knowing full well—

-- The Lombax turns and run from the accusations on Veldin.

-- you'd run and fight for yourself, bring everyone down with you.

-- A saddened Ratchet speaks on videotape to the entire Discovery crew.

Your every move was a predictable as if written by a hack writer. Plus, it helped that I was tracking the Discovery. After all, who do you think sold it to Slim? Indirectly of course.

-- Slim Cognito on Obani speaks with Ratchet.

You'll be surprised what was left over after the Dreadzone incident.

He had no idea. Neither did you.

-- Ratchet flies the escape pod through space.

-- He crash-lands on Tebora's desert landscape.

-- He looks at himself in the water's reflection in the oasis.

-- He fights his robot counterpart within the outskirts of the cave.

Your every move was planned. Tracking Gears, fighting off the Galactic Rangers, running away like some sniveling, guilty wuss – oh, yes, that Lombax footage that you thought would help you, would save you, ended up being your very demise.

Ratchet screams.


The Lombax pulls himself at the chains, furious, hurt, suffering from what he heard. He growls to Drek.

You got me! You happy now? Huh! Finish me then! Why don't you just end it right here, right now!?

Drek responds, perfectly calm.

Oh, Ratchet, I would love nothing more than to crush you in the palm of my hand. But I have better plans for you. You think it hurts now. Just you wait. I want to see you suffer to the very, very end.

Drek grins sickly, evilly, before he turns around and heads upstairs, leaving the Lombax alone to his thoughts.

An eerie silence fills the room. The only noise is the crackled breathing from Ratchet's mouth.

Suddenly, the platform he's on raises upward life a lift. He looks around in a panic as a set of massive doors open above him. A huge, bright light glares his vision as he's rises into the open air.   read

9:30 PM on 08.27.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 14 of ???]

More, more, more!

It's getting towards the end, guys. Probably another 4 or 5 more posts before it's all done. Just a heads up. :)


Part 13 is here.

Ratchet looks around a bit.

Where's… um, everyone else?

Clank frowns at the question.

I am afraid that the Discovery crew has proceeded to Endako without you, Ratchet. I get the sense that they believe you have abandoned them.

What? No! I didn't! I just--!

Ratchet screams loudly in annoyance and pulls at his ears.

I freaking ruined everything! If I just listened to you on Veldin we could have just solved this mess.

I do not have the software to compute the logistics of the validity of that statement.

Take my word for it.

Ratchet sits on a rock, head in his hands.

Angela could have gone back home. Sasha wouldn't have to abandon her father. You could have kept your celebrity status, Helga and Al could have lived happily ever after, we could have just avoided Qwark altogether, and Skidd could have… uh… kept medicated.

But they did all this for you, Ratchet.

And who am I!? I come in, save a few planets, and then—nothing! I'm no one. Everywhere I go, everything goes wrong, things gets destroyed, galaxies get conquered, people get killed—

Surely that is not your fault.

It might as well be!

Ratchet yells out that last line, which silences Clank completely.

There's nothing left for me, Clank. I feel like the last Lombax in the universe.

A soft silence fills the oasis again, the wind blowing through the area. Clank walks up to Ratchet.

On the Thug-4-Less prison, when I was operating the bay doors, I saw my mother.


Not my mother per se, but the coding that represents her, the master code that my own programming was derived from. It was not the exact code, but a form of it. But it was the code all the same.

Clank looks down, disappointed.

I do not know if I will ever find that actual code again. I was created on the robot planet Quartu, but since then Drek, Nefarious, and even the Thug Leader has used the technology for their own needs. She could be anywhere.

The exact code, you mean.

Precisely. It is difficult for robots to process emotions, Ratchet, but I do know how you feel.

Ratchet smiles down at Clank, and Clank smiles back up at him. Ratchet jumps off the rock.

We kick butt together, huh?

I would think so.

C'mon, we got a ship to repair and a deathcourse to fight.

Clank jumps onto Ratchet's back with a grin.


Ratchet treks back across the empty desert, sporting the canteen filled with water this time.

So, Clank, how'd you find me? I disabled all the tracking devices for the escape pod.

I calculated the approximate time when you finished your recording with your average speed of performing mundane tasks, then estimated the approximate speed of the escape pod with its size, and the shortest distance from The Discovery to Endako. I flew out and traced your ships residue signature through space, and recognized the floating debris of your damaged ship, and the gravitational pull of it directed me towards this planet. Here, I followed your footsteps towards the oasis, and, well, the rest is history, I suppose.

Huh. Did that all for me? You're crazy.

I am not crazy. I was programmed this way.

Programmed to be crazy.

Clank laughs his signature laugh.


The two inspect the damaged escape pod thoroughly.

Hey, not too bad. Looks like the titanium tail is a bit damaged, some of the fusion engine parts were rattled, and these Blargian hoses were busted.

CLANK (rambling)
How odd, considering I am made of titanium and my processor is powered by fusion parts and Blargian hoses.

Ratchet peeks up over at Clank, right as the robot realizes what he said.

Wait, Ratchet, no, I did not mean—

Ratchet just grins.


The escape pod zooms through the pitch-black darkness of space. The damage tail is replaced with a piece of Clank's body.


Clank is only a head sitting on his feet; his torso is gone.

This is so embarrassing.

Relax, Clank. It’s not like I can’t put you back together. Besides, I thought robots couldn’t process emotions.

It is difficult to do so. It does not mean we cannot. (to himself) I hope no one sees me like this.

Don’t worry. Remember, I disabled this ships tracking device.

Suddenly, the ship’s console television pops on, displaying a one-hundred-plus crowd of various alien creatures and robots, dressed in Clank-outfits all cheering and yelling in excitement. At the front of the pack is the a youthful sprite, the FAN CLUB LEADER, adorned in the most Secret Agent Clank paraphernalia of them all.

Whooooo! Clank! We found you! Your last movie rocked! We at the Secret Agent Clank fan club would like to—

The cheering and speaking dies down as they all notice the body-less Clank.

Uh… what happened to your pecs?

I… uh…

We’re filming the next Secret Agent Clank movie!

The crowd cheers!

Sneak peeks rule! But… uh, why are you in it?

Ratchet and Clank stare angrily at the screen.

RATCHET (annoyed)
Oh. No. A meteor shower is approaching.

CLANK (fakely)

Ratchet immediately turns the screen off.


The rockets boost up strongly as it kicks into overdrive.

Geez. How’d they find you, anyway?

That fan club has access to things you would not even think to believe.

The ship fires off into the distance.


A bustling, bright, busy metropolis stretches as far as the eye can see. Huge, towering skyscrapers smother the skyline as planes, ships, and flying vehicles weave in and out and around each one through the aerial traffic.

In the middle of all this is a massive, enclosed stadium. The noise of ecstatic fans is heard from outside the walls, clearly indicating something intensely exciting is taking place within.

Large lines of crowds stand around the standing, trying to get inside. A huge side is stretched across the front: “MegaCorp MegaRumble: If You Can’t Tell Who the Sponsor is, You Should be Disintegrated.”

A few miles from the stadium, in a more desolate part of the city, the escape pod rests with a nests of other ships. Ratchet tightens a screw on Clank’s back within the darkness of an alley.

There you go! Good as new.

You even loosened that rusted bolt in my back.

Sure did, buddy. Now, we gotta try and find everyone from the Discovery.

Clank’s antenna on his head pops up a glows a bit. He then turns around.

That is odd. The Discovery is releasing a signal in that direction.

How is that odd? Let’s go!

The signal is completely unencrypted, Ratchet. Any one with a receiver could easily pick it up.

Hmm. With Al on board, that doesn’t sound right. Something’s either wrong or it’s probably a trap. We gotta be careful.

Clank nods, and hops on Ratchet’s back.


-- Ratchet ducks in and out of crowds, avoiding cameras plastered on nearby buildings

-- A uniformed robot passes underneath Ratchet as he holds himself up between two walls

-- Ratchet springs from wall to wall as he climbs to the top of an apartment complex

-- The Lombax carefully avoids the site of flying police craft by ducking behind smoke stacks and doorways


Ratchet and Clank reach the edge of one rooftop and gaze over the massive piles of rubble, scrap metal and trash that are spread over what seems like miles.

Well, it seems like a good hiding place.

Indeed. Let us keep moving.

The Lombax leaps onto a lamp post and flip-jumps over the fence, landing into the dump with ease. He stays low and stealthily runs from one pile to the next. Clank points and guides Ratchet where to go.

Soon, they reach a set of massive sized trash piles. Between them, indeed, sits the Discovery.

Ratchet pulls out the Hypershot. He anchors it to the tail of the ship and pulls himself and Clank onto the roof. He silently crawls along the top, looking around to make sure he’s in the clear.

They reach the main windshield of the cockpit. Ratchet peeks over the side and looks inside—and gasps.

On one of the large screens within the Discovery displays what seems to be a group of Lombaxes talking. It cuts to more footage of them doing chores, interacting with other species, and fighting some sort of battle.

Clank, perched high on Ratchet’s back, cannot see.

What is it? What do you see?

Ratchet doesn’t answer. He in fact turns himself right side up and slides down the front of the ship, which inadvertently knocks Clank off his back.

Ratchet! Wait!

The little robot falls to the ground as Ratchet hustles towards the ship’s main doors—which are wide open.

Clank reaches out to Ratchet in vein. Suddenly, large shadows loom over him.


Ratchet rushes through the halls towards the cockpit. He bursts inside and sees the video playing, but there’s no sound.

Jumping to the main console, the Lombax fiddles with every control he can find.

C’mon! Work! Give me some noise.

He starts coughing some. Still frantic at the controls, he pays it no mind.

He looks up at the screen again. Strange creatures are fighting the warring Lombaxes. Laser blasts volley back and forth.

He coughs again, harder, and goes back to the controls. His eyes start to water.

Where’s the volume control on this thing?

Ratchet keeps coughing, and his movements slow. He looks up at the screen again. It looks blurry.

Suddenly, it strikes him that there’s something wrong.

He turns towards the vents and notices that a yellowish gas is seeping inside.

Coughing loudly now, Ratchet grabs at his Omniwrench and slams it hard against the windshield to try and break it. It cracks some, but his hits grow weaker and weaker as he starts to loose energy.

He collapses on the console. With one last look out the window, he sees the fuzzy visages of Drek, Nefarious, and the Thug Leader, all before everything goes black.   read

10:28 PM on 08.25.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 13 of ???]

Next part of the script is up! Awesome fight sequence below.


Part 12 is here.

A silent, heated moment passes.

Ratchet's lips are suddenly met with drips of water. He stirs somewhat, and opens his eyes, refocusing them to see a green figure dousing his lips with water from an old canteen.

The NEW-AGE ALIEN, a green skinned creature wearing purple robes offers his canteen to Ratchet, speaking in a high pitched, slightly scratchy voice.

Drink up, Ratchet.

Ratchet jumps up and snatches the canteen, taking a long, frantic drink, which doesn't last long; the canteen is empty rather quickly.

Ugh… ack! Got… got any more?

Heat is but an illusion, my friend. (holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm.

Uh… well. Thanks anyway. I'm actually glad to see you.

Ratchet jumps to his feet.

What brings you to Tebora? Searching for piece of mind?

No, but I'm searching for someone to give a piece of my mind to! (looking to New-Age Alien) Uh… you used some magic mumbo-jumbo on my ship before to get it going… so… uh…

I cannot, Ratchet. The help you seek is just beyond that sand dune.

He points in the direction of the cave, which is indeed behind a mountain of sand.

However, you will have to confront your worst enemy to find it. (holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm.

Drek's here? But why would he be here? He should be on Endako. What's he planning?

(holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm.

Er, Nefarious? His butler shot me down. Or the Thug Leader?

(holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm. Aauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumm.

Uh, yeah. So, thanks.

You are welcome. Good luck. (holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm.

He begins walking off into the distance in the opposite way.

Hey! Where you going?

Where ever the spirits take me. (holds fingers together) Aauuuumm. Aauuuumm.

He disappears over another sand dune.

I hope that's to an asylum.

Ratchet turns and treks over the indicated sand dune and gasps as he looks down.

It's a sand valley leading to a large oasis, which sits at the lip of the cave, much bigger than it appeared to be. Ratchet smiles hugely and hustles down into the water, shoving his face into it a getting a long, long drink. He then starts to douse him all over, like an animal fooling around in a lake.

A dark figure moves about in the cave. Ratchet doesn't see him.

What he does see once he stops celebrating, however, is his own reflection in the water. The bright eyes and smug smile. They disappear slowly off his face as some revelation strikes across his face.

How did I get here?

He flops onto his butt and covers his face with his heads, sighing dejectedly.

How… did I get here?

The faint sounds of mechanical movement perk his head up.

Across the oasis, at the cave's entrance, the MECHANICAL RATCHET, the Carbonax armored robot that framed him, stands right there like a looming apparition.

A silent moment occurs between them. Ratchet gets onto his face.

You wouldn't happen to be a hallucination?

The fake Ratchet pulls out a huge, sniper-rifle-like weapon.

Guess not.

He dives out the way as the robo-Ratchet fires the gun, a bright green laser blast narrowly zing by his ear.

The Lombax zig-zag-sprints his way through the palm trees and rocks as more shots pass by. He starts counting.

Four… five… six…

He slides under another shoot and takes cover behind a large boulder at the cave entrance.

… seven…

He then grabs a rock and tosses it out from behind the boulder in one way, luring the next shot away from him. The rock explodes right as Ratchet runs at the fake Ratchet from the other side of the boulder, Omniwrench at the ready.


The robo-Ratchet tries firing but his gun is out of bullets. Ratchet jumps right into his face and swings.

He misses.

The mechanical Ratchet somehow shoots straight into the air via rockets, and lands a few feet away.

What the--?

Ratchet turns to the robo-Ratchet. A head pops up from behind him, attached to his back. A green-eyed robot that definitely resembles Clank looks at the real Lombax.


The fake-Clank's eyes turn red. Ratchet's eyes narrow.


KLUNK laughs, which resembles Clank's laugh, but much more sinister. Robot-Ratchet then whips out an Omniwrench himself weapon, brandishing it like a sword. Ratchet gets himself poised to strike as well.

The Metal Lombax rockets at Ratchet thanks to Klunk's rocket boost. Ratchet reacts fast, parrying the strike, and the two go blow to blow, slamming and swinging wildly against each other.

Wrenches strike against wrenches as sparks fly with each hit. It's like a sword fight from ancient Roman gladiators, stepping and moving swiftly around each other as they brawl with similar fashion.

The Mechanical Ratchet has the upper hand in speed and mobility; Klunk's rocket boosts shoot him faster and higher to certain spots. Ratchet holds his own for a while.

The battle starts to shift to the robot's favor. Ratchet, weakened from the desert heat and overall fatigue, begins to wear down. The robots, unaffected by such things, continue to fight functionally, without wear and tear.

A momentary slip-up lowers Ratchet's guard down. He's tripped up by a low swing of the wrench, but manages to roll out the way as a powerful blow comes from above. He jumps up and tries to hit the fake Lombax from behind.

Klunk, however, gives Ratchet a punch to the face. Distracted, the fake Ratchet then delivers a powerful uppercut with his wrench, sending Ratchet high into the air. He lands flat on his back, dazed and injured.

The robot stands over Ratchet. He stomps on the Lombax's chest. Ratchet gazes up helplessly as the impostor holds his wrench up, ready to finish the job.

Ratchet closes his eyes. Peacefully.



Ratchet, robo-Ratchet, and Klunk look over. Clank comes barreling at them, powered by his own rockets. He slams hard into the two machines, knocking them off Ratchet and letting the Ominwrench fly into the air.

The real Lombax jumps up onto his feet, leaps into the air, grabs the flying weapon, lands, and poses, ready to fight. Clank lands right next to him.

Thanks, Clank.

Robo-Ratchet and Klunk immediately recover and get back on their feet. The fake Lombax removes another device from his belt and presses a button. It extends into a dual-edged, staffed Omniwrench!

Do not thank me yet.

Clank jumps onto Ratchet's back as the two stare down each other. Ratchet wields two separate Ominwrench weapons. Fake Ratchet wields one long bo-like weapon with two Omniwrenches attached to each side.

You ready, Clank?

I was built ready.

Both Ratchets immediately rocket towards each other and clash, hard. They start fighting with perfect speed and perfect timing, dual wrenches meeting against staffed wrenches. More sparks fly between them.

The battle is frantic, with swing metal rocking back and forth, strikes slapping against the water, the rocks, the sand, the trees, and the cave walls.

Ratchet is much more active and alert this time around, his natural fatigue seemingly nonexistence as he jumps and flips and parries to fight against his impostor. Springing from walls and rocks, the two jump and rocket-jump against each other, a beautiful conflict of chaos.

They fight towards a narrowed space in the cave, still attacking each other with reckless abandon. Two of their swings get lodged into the rock wall, leaving them facing away from one another—which makes Clank and Klunk face each other.

Red eyes and green eyes narrow at each other.

While the Ratchets struggle to pull their weapons out the wall, the two mini-robots exchange not only punches and kicks in expert karate-like fashion, but robot-specific attacks, like saw blades and laser blasts.

Of course, this leaves the Ratchets to struggle to remove their weapons and avoid the errant attacks from their backs; jumping and bouncing around to dodge the tiny saw blades and plasma fire.

Whoa! Clank! Watch it back there!

CLANK (while fighting)
… my… apologies…

The two Ratchets manage to pull their weapons from the walls and return to clashing. More swinging and jumping, slicing and dicing, thrusting and parrying and dodging all around. The cave walls are ruined and destroyed.

The battle pushes itself back to the cave's entrance, Ratchet poised on the outside, the fake one on the inside.

Gah! He fights like me at every level! I can't beat him!

Then we must do what your enemies do.

Clank points up at the top of the cave. A large boulder sits over the edge of the entrance, held in place by a smaller, slightly loosened rock.


Ratchet grins. He and Clank rockets back into the battle, attacking Metal Ratchet and Klunk actively. The combatant machines ward off the advance with carefully swung blows.

Ratchet and Clank then rocket-blasts backward, and the two robots rocket-blast towards them. In the middle of the air, Ratchet tosses both his wrenches—one at the Mechanical Ratchet, and one at the loosened rock above him., knocing it away. The boulder teeters.

The Metal Ratchet dodges it with ease. Ratchet is weaponless, and the fake one laughs as it approaches the real one, Ominwrench Bo in hand.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Ratchet backs up a few steps. The boulder falls.

Klunk looks up at the last second. His eyes go from red to pure white.

The boulder crushes both the robo-Ratchet and Klunk underneath its weight, destroying them instantly.

A stillness flows over the entire oasis. A peaceful, quiet silences that –

Whoo-Hooo! Yeah, boy! That's what I'm talking about!

Clank jumps off Ratchet's back and they give each other a high-five. They celebrate for a little longer before calming down. Ratchet, breathing heavily, looks at Clank and smiles.

Thanks again, Clank.

Do not mention it.   read

10:19 PM on 08.25.2009

Published! [Shortblog but VG-related]

Hey everyone! Check this out:

I was recently published there as a feature! I detail intimately how REALLY powerful Princess Toadstool is (I guess the kids call her Peach now.)

I had asked about doing something like this before-- so I hope it's okay that I promote this. It's video game related, so it's on topic, and I'm totally down for debating it here.

So, check it out if and when you have the time.   read

11:01 AM on 08.23.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 12 of ???]

Next part, ya'll!

The bulk of my drama is basically in this scene. I hope it comes out okay with out being to melodramatic or on-the-nose.

Comments are welcome! Thanks for the well-wishes for those who have been keeping up!


Part 11 is here.

They all follow Clank towards the living room, standing around the big screen TV. Clank presses a button on it.

A recording of Ratchet plays, complete with timecode. He messes with something offscreen.

Is this thing on? Yeah. We're good.

He steps back so he's in front of the camera.

Hey, everyone. Um, I'm not sure how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I guess. Look, everything that's happened, that's been happening, it's my fault. And I'm sorry.

The crew looks confused, but they listen silently.

Everywhere I go, trouble follows. And this mess right now, it's all about me. And I have no right to bring you down with me. You have lives. And purpose. I don't. Take the ship and go back home. Go back to your lives and your plans and forget about me. I'm handling this myself. And I'm serious.

Everyone gasps. Sasha and Angela become much more upset than the others.

I readjusted the ships coordinates to send it back to Obani. I took one of the escape pods, and disabled the other ones so you can't follow. This is my problem, and I apologize for bring you along.

Helga starts sobbing loudly, almost comically. Al consoles her.

I thank you all for you help, but now I must finish this on my own. Heh. Well… I guess… wish me luck. Bye.

The camera goes off—leaving the static snow on the screen.

There is an eerie silence. Not a sound his heard except for Helga's crying.

CAPTAIN QWARK (blurting out, angrily)
That crazy Lombax took my idea! I was gonna high-tail it out of here!

Everyone turns and stares hard at Qwark. He blinks.

Uh, did I say that out loud?

Sasha clenches her fist, angrily.

Al! Infiltrate the mainframe and override those coordinates. We're heading to MegaRumble Games!

But what about Ratchet?

ANGELA (angry, too)
Sasha's right. We don't have time for him. We have to stop Drek and Nafarious and whatever they're planning.


We'll infiltrate the Games by stealth and force. We'll create a distraction at one end—

-- while someone sneaks in at the other. Good idea.


HELGA (suddenly no longer crying)
Oooh! I get to beat up on security?

And I get to tackle that Alpha-Omega encryption?


Alright, dude!

He and the rest of the crew move quickly in different directions. Clank tries to say something but by that time, everyone is gone. Clank sadly hangs his head down, left along in the living room, static TV running next to him.


A tired, utterly exhausted Lombax pilots a tiny spaceship into the deep blackness of space. In the distance, stars twinkle, other ships fly by as specks, and planets pass by him like giant looming balls of gas.

Ratchet struggles to stay awake at the controls, but his eyes are heavy. He yawns and keeps shaking his head to keep from passing out.

He looks at his reflection again. He's fatigued, but his face looks beyond that. Confused. Frustrated. Lost.

I can't do this…

He hits a switch and pulls at lever, which slows the ship down into a stop. He leans back into his seat and drifts off.


Ratchet wakes up slowly, looking slightly refreshed from the sleep. He yawns, stretches, relaxes, and looks down.

He's wearing the same exact uniform as Captain Qwark.

What! Get off me!

He tries to tear violently at his clothes but they just won't come off.

He then hears laughter. Turning around, he sees Captain Qwark, cackling at him.

Hahahaha! So, so, sad.


I may be a worthless sellout, but I would never risk the lives of my friends because I lust for adventure! Mainly because I have no friends and no sense for adventure, but still.

Ratchet looks horrified as Qwark continues laughing.

I'm not like you.

No, you're… just a little worse. You're not even fit to wear my uniform!

Ratchet looks down and sees he is suddenly butt-naked.

He looks outside and sees Sasha and Angela floating in space, pointing and laughing at him. The Lombax panics and tries to cover up but to no avail. Sasha and Angela grow larger, more grotesque as their laughter becomes more evil and sadistic.

Suddenly, the windshield of the ship turns green, and folding inward, matching the look of Clank's angry facial expression. The eyes slowly turn red, then start to glow.

Clank! Wait, no! I'm sorry! Little buddy, don't—

The end of the Lombax.

The eyes suddenly fire a huge red laser into the cockpit—


Ratchet wakes up with a start, in the midst of a cold sweat, as a PROFESSOR VOICE speaks from the console.

The Lombax takes a deep breath and calms down, right as he begins to listen to what playing.

… to understand their role in galactic society. Well, this concludes the full, truthful report on that mysterious race known as Lombaxes—

Ratchet's eyes get huge. He messes with the controls frantically.

WHAT!? Wait! Hold on! Come back! Repeat! Replay! Repeat!

-- and their masterful nature. This is Professor Nosey, signing off.

No! Please… just… can't you…

Ratchet trails off, deeply disappointed, as a different LEGAL VOICE finishes the recording.

LEGAL VOICE (speaking swiftly)
Recording provided by the Cragmitian Interpol Association for Tachyon Royalties.

Ratchet is too hurt to even move, though. His eyes are closed, his breathing deep and heavy.

A honk from the ships console knocks him out his funk.


He presses a few more buttons, which displays a view from the back of his ship. Apparently, another smaller ship is directly behind him. The vague driver is honking at him.

RATCHET (into intercom)
Go around!

The driver continues to honk. Annoyingly.

Go around! C'mon! What? My hazard lights aren't on? Dude!

The ship floats silently for a creepy moment before pulling up onto the side. Ratchet looks—and gasps.

LAWRENCE, an overly pudgy robot with a exotic voice and dressed as a butler, pilots the other ship. He speaks into his intercom, which is heard from Ratchet's ship.[/i]

Do you have any gray Pup-yion?

Ratchet growls and kicks the ship into high drive.

I got your Pup-yion right here!

Ratchet pulls the ship around to try and get behind Lawrence's ship. But the butler manages to stick to Ratchet tightly. The Lombax can shake him.

What the--?

Lawrence begins shooting laser blasts towards Ratchet's ship. He tries to avoid them and escape the tail, but the robot is behind him every step of the way.

Gah! Who knew this guy would be so good?!

The chase continues, Ratchet narrowly dodging every shot while loop-de-looping, barrel rolling, and twisting and turning to shake him, but nothing works.

An errant blast finally nails Ratchet's tail, exploding and causing his rocket engines to shut down.

The cockpit flashes red as Ratchet tries desperately to manage the controls. Smoke and steam blow from practically every duct. Wires snap and warning lights flash like crazy. The console flashes "EMERGENCY" repeatedly.

Ratchet grits his teeth and pulls hard at the controls, steering the ruined ship towards the nearest planet—a brown-colored one. He hurls down into the atmosphere at a record pace.


The ship zooms down through the clouds over a huge expanse of barren desert, smoke reeking from the engines.

Ratchet bears down and work the controls like a madman.

The ship comes in hard but straight, sliding against the sandy landscape for a good distance, leaving a huge trail in its wake. It slowly comes to a stop, the ship contorted and in pieces, but grounded.

Ratchet sighs heavily. The lights and noises are off, but smoke still fills the cockpit. He gives the hatch a hard kick, knocking it off, which lands and crashes on the ground. The ship itself is in shambles.

He crawls onto the hood and sees endless miles of sand, rocks, and desert. The only resemblance of something possibly interesting is a cave several miles away. Sighing worriedly, Ratchet begins his trek across the barren sand.[/i]


Two bright suns burn heavily onto the ground, causing the air to look wavy and mobile.

A slow-moving Lombax drags his Omniwrench behind him as he continues to walk.


The paw prints Ratchet leaves in his wake start to run together as he drags his feet now, moving much slower.


He falls on his knees, not a few miles from the cave. Short of breath, fatigued, and suffering, the Lombax collapses on his front. He doesn't move. Overhead, buzzard-like alien creatures begin to circle.   read

9:18 PM on 08.20.2009

Fan Script - Ratchet and Clank: All or Nothing [Part 11 of ???]

And on and on and on....

Drama increases slowly yet surely....

In this chapter, I introduce the MONTAGE, which is usually formatted like indicated below. It's like your typical 80s montage, where some sort of music usually plays while shots go by that indicate a bit of time passing.

So enjoy!


Part 10 is here.


The interior of the Discovery is large and expansive, yet surprisingly cozy, similar to an upscale, posh office. White walls and floors lead to several automatic doors, opening to clean living quarters, bathrooms, a kitchen, an exercise room, a dining area, and even a living room with a large screen TV and a device that resembles a gaming system.

One of the rooms resembles a boardroom, complete with a huge table and several chairs. In the center is a large, round device. The entire crew of Ratchet, Clank, Angela, Sasha, Captain Qwark, Skidd, Big Al, and Helga are seated. Sassha speaks while pointing at the central device. It turns on and displays a hologram of a schematic of a stadium.

The energy is positive, but unenthusiastic. Ratchet, in particular, looks very distracted.

This is a schematic of the MegaRumble Games' Stadium. Knowing Drek, all entrances should be well guarded and all windows and extraneous entrances will, at the very least be under surveillance or armed with some sort of deadly motion sensor.

That sounds… er, deadly.

We have about twenty-four hours before we reach in range of the Bogon Galaxy. I suggest we spend the time planning a detailed method of infiltration. Al here can take care of the security systems.

This place uses Ultimate Alpha-Omega one-thousand-twenty-four bit encryption. This is some serious security you guys. I can infiltrate it, but I'll be traced and shut down within minutes. You'll have to work fast, or…

Al traces an index finger across his neck. Qwark gulps.

Bah! Decapitation is so overrated. We need to simply join the MegaRumble ranks and fight our way through. Or, which I prefer, just burst in and kick some butt!

I have serious reservations about a direct assault—

The stealth approach is way too polarizing. Sounds to me like we either succeed, or fail and die. Am I right, Al?

Big Al takes a deep breath and nods.


We all don't have stealth skills, but we all can kick some tail, so fighting our way in seems the best option.

Hardly. I think we're seriously underestimating the sheer number of forces we'll be up against. Sneaking in is risky, but doable. Besides, I would think the experienced thief would know how to sneak into a few places.

Since you're being a wise Alec, I actually broke in and fought my way to steal it. You know what happens when you assume, Sass-sha? [Note: Angela pronounces it so it rhymes with "grass-a," emphasizing the "ass" part.]

Since no one really cares what a former criminal-turned-witch thinks—


-- let's take it to a vote. Al?

I have no doubt that I am fully capable of going up against a network that will give my superior intellect a worthy challenge!

Bah! This is child's play. Fighting off thousands of weaklings should be no match for us, especially when I put you all through my expertise-training program!

Honey, dear, I don't think we have the time for something like that…

Hmmph! It would take three hours! Tops! Besides, no one would want to listen to you talk nerd!

That's two and two. Clank?

I would prefer the infiltration option. Qwark?

Qwark is doodling something on a napkin.

Uh, would I have to do stuff for the stealth thing?

Uh, yes, but---

Fight my way in.

On the napkin, he doodles the entire crew fighting a huge number of creatures, with a doodle of himself way in the far distance. He laughs to himself.

Well, that's three and three. Skidd?

Skidd munches on nachos.

Whatever, dude!

Sasha and Angela just stare at Skidd as he eats. They roll their eyes and look to the Lombax.

Well, Ratchet?

What do you think?

Ratchet, all this time, has been deep in thought, clearly distracting by something. He seems completely unaware that a conversation was even going on.

He looks at each person in the room, a serious, slightly worried expression on his face.

I think we should call it a night. Get some rest tonight.

Top bunk dibs!

Skidd sprints out the room.

CAPTAIN QWARK (stretching)
Whoo! Hard work today guys, good job!

Qwark shuffles out the room, too.

Ratchet, we need a vote!

We need to plan, no matter what we choose.

A democratic decision is required or the system is no good, Ratchet.

Well, it's no good today. We've been through a lot. We should rest. Just for a few hours. I promise I'll make my decision then.

He jumps off his chair and shuffles out the room.

Ratchet, wait!

Clank runs after him. There is a moment of silence.

I'm hungry. Let's get some food.

Right behind you, snookums.

They exit the room together, leaving the two ladies alone together. They look very, very confused.

As Ratchet walks down the hallways, Clank tugs a bit on his tail.

What seems to be the matter?

It's nothing, Clank. I just need to lie down for a bit. I think.

Ratchet, we have been doing this for a while, so my sensors are finely tuned to indicate distress within the Lombax body language.

Ratchet blinks confusedly at Clank.

I can tell you are upset.

Oh. Well, I'm just not feeling well. I'm fine, Clank. I really am.

Ratchet slides into his room, the automatic doors closing behind him. Clank can only watch those doors close.


-- Ratchet wanders the ship halls. The lights are dimmed. The blackness of space passes outside the windows

-- He wanders past the living quarters. Qwark is fast asleep, snoring very, very loudly. Skidd, on the top bed, is watching something on a mini-TV device. He clearly is enjoying it.

-- He wanders past the dinner. Al and Helga are asleep on the table, arms wrapped around each other. Food crumbs and dirty plates surround them.

-- He wanders through a section of hallway where, in the distance, he sees Angela, perched on a windowsill, staring forlornly into distant space silently.

-- He then walks by another section of the hallway and sees Sasha leaning against a door, looking sadly at a picture of her father.

-- He walks back to his room, seeing his Omniwrench lying on his bed.


Sasha whistles loudly and wakes a sleeping Qwark. He jolts up and bumps his head against the bed above him.


C'mon, Qwark, we need to plan our attack now.


A saddened Qwark follows Sasha. They head into the meeting room from earlier, where Al, Helga, and Skidd wait patiently, if all a bit tired.

Angela walks in, concerned.

Is Ratchet back?

No, wasn't he in his room?

No dice.

Ooo, maybe he got a head start in the exercise room, ya?


They turn to see the small robot standing outside the doorway.

You all will need to see this.   read

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