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kjohnson1585 avatar 9:24 AM on 07.31.2009
I, the Author: Ratchet and Clank - All of Nothing [part 2 of ???]

Squeezing the next part onto the I, The Author, before the month's up. Afterwards, it'll be just the generic postings. I may start dropping these every other day - Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - since I'm really cooking with this.

I'm not liking the flashback here. I use one similarly in the next part, too. I think a 5 minute recap at the beginning would serve better, for those unfamiliar with the R&C canon. What do you think?

Anyways, more goodness!

-----------------------------------------------------------



Part 1 is here.

EXT. PLANET BARLOW – DAY

The Lombax jumps out the ship onto the crowded cliff side, a series of massive walkways along the edge of the canyon walls, filled with people like a busy street. Ratchet slides in and out of the crowds, lightly bumping into people or knocking robots over by accident as he rushes.

RATCHET
Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. I apologize. Oof, pardon me again. Excuse me. Sorry.

He finally struggles towards one of the many elevators installed in the cliff side, squeezed in among various bizarre creatures, both mechanical and organic.

Before the door closes, a way-too fat creature, a FLATULENT BLARGIAN, pushes his way inside.

The door closes, crushing everyone together like a stuffed burrito. It begins to move upward.

The Blargian scratches his behind. Then farts.

When the elevator reaches the top floor the doors open and a huge puff of black smoke floats out, with all the OCCUPANTS collapsing out with disgusted faces, including Ratchet.

OCCUPANT 1 and 2
Eeee!

OCCUPANT 3 and 4
Gross!

OCCUPANT 5 and 6
That's disgusting!

OCCUPANT 7 and 8
I'm gonna be sick…

The Blargian walks out as if nothing's the matter.

Ratchet stumbles out, coughing, hands on his knees.

RATCHET
Great! Now I'll smell like rotten eggs for the next six hours!

He wipes his nose and looks up, and his jaw drops. He sees an intricate city, alive, busting, and busy with occupants. And, at the far end of the block from which he stands, is the largest building on the street. A massive sign strung across the front says it all: "GRAND RE-OPENING OF GADGETRON".

Underneath it is a smaller but still prominent message: "NOW A SUBSIDIARY OF MEGACORP."

Taking a deep breath, Ratchet enters the bustling crowd towards the building.

INT. GADGETRON CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

The huge expanse of a freshly refurbished main floor greets Ratchet's view. Both robots and organic creatures of various shapes and sizes walk around, dressed in either suits or lab coats. In the center of the floor is a massive, ornate fountain, shaped as explosive mine, water spilling gracefully over the spikes.

The Lombax heads over to the far wall and looks at the huge sign of nameplates. His eyes catch "POTENTIAL AND NEW EMPLOYEES – FLOOR 13". Curious, he turns to the NEAREST ROBOT.

RATCHET
Uh, do buildings even have a floor 13?

NEARBY ROBOT
Sorry, can't talk on break, union rules.

The robot spins away quickly. Ratchet sighs and just heads to the nearest elevator and steps inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Ratchet stands in the center of a myriad of robotic scientists. They begin sniffing the air. One by one, they move away from the Lombax. Ratchet can only facepalm.

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR RECEPTION – DAY

Ratchet exits the elevator and walks down a long hallway filled with numbered doors. He reaches a small reception area, where a loud ROBOT RECEPTIONIST speaks into an earpiece behind a desk, clearly not talking about work.

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
… I know, girl! You gotta kick that 'bot to the curb!... That's what I've been saying! No 'bot wit' no programming worth his salt ain't no 'bot to be haingin' 'round wit'!

Ratchet walks over to her.

RATCHET
Uh… excuse me—

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
Who cares if he has "a download error"? If he ain't being repaired, he don't care, and neither should you!

RATCHET
Um, I'm sorry, but uh—

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
Hold on. (to Ratchet) What had happened now?

RATCHET
Ahem. I, uh, I have an interview for the new mechanic position here at Gadgetron.

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
Take a seat over there and he'll be with you shortly.

Ratchet grunts and slowly shuffles over to the mentioned seat, flopping down and waits. The clock reads ten o' clock.

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR RECEPTION – LATER

Ratchet twiddles his thumbs and sighs. The clock reads eleven-thirty.

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR RECEPTION – LATER

Ratchet is asleep, drooling on himself. The clock reads twelve forty-five.

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
Hey… HEY!

Ratchet wakes up with a start, clutching his briefcase as a weapon.

RATCHET
HUH!? WHAT?!

ROBOT RECEPTIONIST
What's wrong wit' you? Your interview's up! (points to a open door)

RATCHET
Oh! Oh. Um. Okay. Huh.

The Lombax slowly gets down from his seat, tries to straighten himself up, and heads into the open door.

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOT OFFICE – DAY

He comes into a massive room enclosed by a intricate glass window. Outside, flying cars zoom by over the spectacularly elaborate city skyline. A massive table sits in the center of the room, and seated along the sides are a number of suited robots and creatures. On the far side is an expensive chair, the front turned away from Ratchet.

He coughs and straightens himself up, approaching his side of the table with a new-founded sense of false pride.

RATCHET
Ahem. Good morning, er, afternoon, sir, my name is Ratchet and –

He sits on the smaller, rickety chair on his side of the table. It rocks a bit, uneven against the ground.

RATCHET
Er, uh, (adjusting to the seat) and, I think I'm perfectly, um, qualified for the mechanic position. I'm good with my hands, and I build things… with my hands. Very well. So… yeah.

The robots and creatures just stare at the Lombax. It's eerily silent.

The expansive office chair turns around slowly. Rachet's jaw drops.

It's the THUG LEADER, seated in that very chair, big, creepy, blue skinned, and red, evil eyes glaring at the Lombax. Also, he's in a suit that's too small for him. He speaks with a New York accent.

THUG LEADER
Hello, Ratchet!

Ratchet's eyes shoot open wide.

EXT. PLANET SYLVIAN ROOFTOPS (RATCHET'S FLASHBACK) – DAY

Ratchet dives right as a massive laser blast shoots through an entire building, obliterating it. He hauls tail across the roofs, as a gigantic robot, as tall as Godzilla, stomps through the city after him. Sitting on the shoulder of the mechanical beast is the Thug Leader.

THUG LEADER
Hold still so I can evaporate ya!

Ratchet leaps out the way of another blast. He pulls out a whip-like device and fires it, grabbing onto a pole and swings around it in mid-air, jumping high into the air. Clank, attached to Ratchet's back and sprouting wings like a plane, shoots out flames similar to a weaken jet pack, shooting the Lombax through the air.

He lands on and jumps-jets across a series of flying enemy ships. Each blast shoots and obliterates the airships but they all miss Ratchet just in the nick of time.

He bounds closer and closer towards the Thug Leader, springing off each ship before they explode.

He leaps off the final ship, pulling out the Omniwrench, poised over his head, ready to strike. He screams a warcry.

The Thug Leader's eyes pop open.

THUG LEADER
Dis is gonna hurt.

Ratchet comes down hard on the Thug Leader—

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR OFFICE – DAY

Ratchet snaps out his flashback, grabs his briefcase again, and jumps on the table, ready to attack.

RATCHET
(screaming) You want more, huh? I got plenty more where that came from!

The Thug Leader looks surprised, backing up his chair, waving his hands confusedly.

THUG LEADER
Whoa, whoa! Calm down!

Ratchet gets into the Thug Leader's face!

THUG LEADER
Seriously! I's no longer in da business of takin' names! I'm cor-por-ate.

Ratchet blinks confusedly. He looks around. The group is now staring at him as if he's worthless AND psychopathic.

RATCHET
Uh… wait, what? Really?

THUG LEADER
Yeah, really. Now, if ya don't want me to be callin' security now, ya should jus' sit down so we's can begin.

Ratchet is completely confused, but slowly he backs off the Thug Leader, off the table, and back into his rickety chair.

THUG LEADER
Dat's better. Now, would ya like me to get my secretary t' get ya som'in? Coffee?

RATCHET
(mumbling) I'm good. Look, I think that maybe I should, uh, maybe reschedule.

THUG LEADER
Nonsense! We can finish dis fine. Unless you want me t' call da cops.

Ratchet speaks through gritted teeth.

RATCHET
You're doing this on purpose.

THUG LEADER
Of course I am. It's my job. By the way, does you’s guys smell a really terrible breakfast?

The members around the table shrug confusedly. Ratchet winces and blushes behind his fur.

THUG LEADER
Now… name?

RATCHET
… Ratchet.

THUG LEADER
Ratchet what?

RATCHET
Just Ratchet.

THUG LEADER
Oh. Payroll might have trouble wit' dat. Experience?

RATCHET
(to himself) Experienced in whipping your a—

THUG LEADER
What's that?

RATCHET
(louder) Experienced in whipping up a damn good machine in no time flat!

THUG LEADER
Anything recent?

Ratchet hesitates a bit before answering.

RATCHET
Uh… no. I've been out of it, recently. Cause people are always trying to kill me.

THUG LEADER
Ha-ha! In this market, we all know what dat's like!

He and the other board members at the table start laughing. Ratchet chuckles too, but sarcastically.

RATCHET
Ha, ha, yeah—no, no, you don't know what's that like, actually. None of you do. Stop laughing.

They stop, indeed, but only gaze at the Lombax again.

INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR RECEPTION – LATER

The Thug Leader escorts Ratchet out the office. The Lombax turns to him.

RATCHET
So, when will I hear back from you?

The Thug Leader stares at Ratchet.

Ratchet stares back at him.

The Thug Leader just slowly closes the door on his face.

Ratchet facepalms.

EXT. PLANET BARLOW – DAY

A dejected Lombax emerges from the elevators back into the ship parking lot in the massive canyon. He shuffles slowly towards his ship.

RATCHET
Huh?

He notices a UNIFORMED ROBOT writing a ticket near his parked ship.

RATCHET
No… no, no, no! Wait!

He sprints over to his ship, pleadingly.

RATCHET
Oh, come on! A ticket? For what?

UNIFORMED ROBOT
Sorry, bud, can't park here without a permit.

RATCHET
A permit? Are you serious? Dude! Cut me a break! I had a terrible day!

The machine plops the ticket into a section on the wing.

UNIFORMED ROBOT
Oh, YOU had a terrible day? Well, la-de-freakin'-da! No one ever asks about my day!

RATCHET
Uh, how was your day?

UNIFORMED ROBOT
It was okay. They had fresh danishes at the office.

Ratchet closes his eyes in annoyance.

RATCHET
I saved the galaxy three times, you know! Even this planet!

UNIFORMED ROBOT
Save it for the 'bot judge.

The machine rumbles away. Ratchet grunts and looks at the ticket.

RATCHET
TWELVE THOUSAND BOLTS?!

Ratchet faceplams a third time.

 
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