So, last week I was sitting in front of my computer at work, doing various things that can't reasonably be considered work, when I had a little Twitter message pop up. It was Twitter Friday, and I was ready to reply!

Of course, I won, or you wouldn't be reading this post. But who gives a shit about that? The real news is the fun shit that I picked up from the post office today.

It all started with a box:



It's from Destructoid! And it has some other guy's name and address on it! Oh well, postal laws are bullshit anyway. Let's bust it open.



First attempt: magnifying glass. Result: failure. But check out my kick ass cuticles.



Second attempt: key to someone else's house. Result: success! That tape is no match for the sharp metal edges. Cuticles still rule.

Anyway, I tore into that box like a ravenous but surprisingly meticulous tiger. I opened it up to find...



...a plastic artichoke!

Thanks Destructoid!! You're the best! Until next time.

Oh, wait. That's not actually what happened. Let me try again.



Swag! As you can see, there a bunch of shit in there, inclu--wait, how did that carrot get there? Fucking vegetables.

Anyway, as you can see, I was as giddy as a little girl.



Aren't I cute? I was pleased to see a lot of random shit in there that I wasn't expecting, like that Wii demo that you see. Surprises are fun.

Moving on, I checked out the Fatal Fury hat that Niero found at the last minute and included. Awesome! My peace lily, Police Constable Nicolas Angel, was kind enough to model the hat for us all.



Hot shit, PCNA. Thanks.

Then there was the real attraction that spawned many offers of sexual favors in return for it: the MAI shirt.





Please keep your boners to yourself until the end of the production, thank you very much. I was pleasantly surprised to see this on there, which in my opinion makes the shirt at least 17x more amazing.



Yes, it says mofo. You are not just the King of Fighters when you wear this shirt. You are the King of Fighters, mofo. Chest bumps are NOT optional.



Rowdy likes it. He also really likes hanging out in my kitchen. Weirdo.

Anyway, there was plenty of other stuff in the box. There were some stickers in there. Now, I made a comment on the contest post promising that I'd post pictures of the stickers on my nipples. So...



God, check out my gangsta sag! Horrifying. Also, there's a toilet in my bathroom, just in case you were unsure about that. Dirty mirror, too. Too bad I don't use MySpace--this would be perfect! Let's move on...



Trading cards, bitches!



A bunch of postcard sorts of things arranged in an aesthetically pleasing manner!



Temporary tattoos for The Kingdom of Loathing. I put the meatball monster thing on my ass. I'm not going to post that picture.



Another Wii demo! Impressions: it has sports in it. Also, it is wrapped in plastic.



A bunch of shit related to GTA4! I really wish I could think of some good uses for a lot of these, as the stickers are actually quite nice. I did come up with a good use for lollipop girl, though.



CODPIECE MOTHERFUCKERS

Rowdy, on the other hand, joined the LCPD, got drunk off of Coke Zero and somehow picked up these Mardi Gras beads and this bow-tie.



Jesus Rowdy, take it easy.

Last, but not least (OK, last and least), this paper:



That shit got refrigeratored.

So that, my friends, is the epic story of my swag pack unboxing, complete with unbelievably poor photography! I hope you all enjoyed it! I certainly did.

But the story doesn't end here. The huge interest in the shirt that I saw after winning made me realize something: there are people who want this shirt more than I do. I'm talking hardcore KOF fans. It makes me sad to say it, but I know what I have to do. I have to give it up. Anything else would be unjust.

So, unless there's some sort of policy here against "recontesting," I'd actually like to have a little competition of my own where the winner would get this shirt. Sound good? I'll start a new post with the details soon. One word hint: art. If you've got skillz and you want this shirt, keep an eye out in the next couple of days.

I'm sorry you all didn't get to see my nipples.