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Andrew Kauz avatar 10:58 AM on 08.11.2009
Seven reasons that I will end you in creative ways if you don't play Folklore



Let's face it: ten is a stupid and clichéd number. Seven, on the other hand, is much improved, and is especially fitting when one considers all of the creative murders depicted in the film of the same name. Those are what you should have in mind as you read this post. Folklore is serious business and I'm not messing around. So, now that I've planted the seed of abject terror in your hearts, enjoy the following list of seven reasons that I will end you in creative ways if you don't play Folklore.

1. It's balls awesome.



Sure, I might be getting a little ambitious with my first reason. After that, why do I even need six other reasons? Well, Mr. Complainy Complainer, just relax and read.

Folklore is an action/adventure game that's out now on PS3. In fact, it was one of the earlier releases in the PS3 library, and it remains one of the more original, intelligent, and enjoyable games of this generation.

Basically, the game takes place in the fictional Irish village of Doolin. On the surface, Doolin is a boring small town despite its beautiful location right next to the coast. However, there are dozens of unanswered questions about the area, including the fate of many of its inhabitant, both current and former, as well as the existence of bunches of supernatural beings. The two main characters, Ellen and Keats, meet serendipitously in this small town and attempt to find some answers together.

To do this, you must recruit a bunch of folks, which are basically badass fighting monsters with some of the most amazing designs that I've seen in videogames. You'll have full control over their powers, allowing you to thrash away at other folks in a quest to kick as much ass as the game will allow. How much ass can be kicked, you ask? Well, at lot, you mongoloid. There are over 100 folks in the game, varying depending on which character you play as. Furthermore, you'll have to fuck up each folk multiple times, as the power of your captured folks increases with each subsequent fucking up of a folk. Your power also increases through the use of warm tree nuts. Figured I should mention that.



It also has the distinct honor of being one of the only games that makes the Sixaxis control fun. In order to capture a folk, you have to rip the little shit's soul out by literally beating the soul into the ground using the controller, or shaking the hell out of it until it presumably has an aneurysm or something, at which point you're granted its power. So, no, you're not going to suddenly believe that the Sixaxis control is amazing, but you won't hate it, and that's something to be proud of.

Really, Folklore is the sort of game that you love for what it does differently rather than what it does well. The story is extremely interesting and has a mindfuck of an ending, and the beautiful visuals and incredible settings keep the game interesting. And, yes, the gameplay is awesome as well. The basic mechanics of the game may be slightly repetitive, but the constant struggle to acquire all of the game's folks and raise them to their maximum power has the same addiction factor as Pokemon.

It's the hot shit, dammit, and you need to play it right now. There's no excuse.

Punishment for not heeding these words: Your junk in a box full of tiny but extremely powerful fairy boxers.

2. The story won't insult you.



Do you enjoy the murder mysteries of Sue Grafton? Of course you do, you unrefined alphabet-loving buffoon. U is for Unoriginal, and F is for Folklore Does It Way Better than Grafton Could Ever Strive to Achieve. Yeah, this story is a murder mystery, but it doesn't take the easy route. Instead, it places the actual murder seventeen years in the past, requiring two strangers with bizarre ties to the area to piece everything together themselves. The discovery takes place in the real world, as people continue to disappear amid rumors that spirits from the underworld are snatching them away. Pretty soon, shit gets completely crazy, and if you have even a slight love of the surreal, then your mind should be open to the awesomeness that is Folklore.

Punishment for not heeding these words: A 20-minute conversation with Sue Grafton. Yes, it will kill you.

3. Boobrie, bitches.



I'm going to pretend that you didn't just think "What the hell is a Boobrie?" else I just flip my shit and kill you now before this list even has a chance to conclude. Boobrie is the legendary water bird of the Scottish highlands, and, as you can see above, it is not to be dicked around with. For one, it is a bird that can roar. Yeah. Have you ever been roared at from the air, grasped by a giant powerful beak and carried out to sea? Then don't piss of Boobrie, and don't you dare make fun of its name or compare it to a certain female anatomical part, lest you have your own anatomical parts suddenly mocked and subsequently removed.

Yes, this badass bird is a major player in this game, and despite the presence of lots of other crazy folks, such as Ga-boi, who has giant electrical spikes for hands, or Ogma, some sort of crazy cat thing that will slash the shit out of you, Boobrie will thrash its way not only through hoards of enemies, but also into your heart. Boobrie forever. Just get it tattooed on your ass now and save yourself the trouble of contemplating.

Punishment for not heeding these words: Transportation to the Scottish highlands wearing nothing but a kilt on your head and a sign that says “lol BOOBrie.”

4. Ellen dresses like some sort of woodland prostitute.



The chances of you being able to earn enough money in your lives to afford a prostitute the likes of Ellen are extremely low. It may be hard to hear, but you should give up the pursuit of women altogether. And, yes, if you're a woman yourself, you can also give up this pursuit, even if you didn't know that you were participating in it.

Instead, you should play Folklore to have the closest thing possible to the tear-filled forest-dwelling prostitute marriage that you've always dreamed of. As you can see above, the good lady Ellen is ready and waiting for you. Her many costumes are sure to excite, and as long as you're careful not to cut a finger off on the dangerously sharp edges of her vestments, you're sure to have a good time.

And, yeah, Keats is a dude. He's there too. You can dress him like that one twat who always comes to Christmas parties in the most atrocious sweaters and swears that they're cool. Oh, right, that's you, you jackass. Go play Folklore and renounce your hedonistic love of jackassery.

Punishment for not heeding these words: Banishment to a cheap motel room filled with horny simian knife masters dressed as various woodland creatures.



5. Scarecrow will make you a man.



In your current form, you are but a boy or girl, unwashed and rather pathetic, barely venturing out of the fetal position. It doesn't have to be this way, however. All that you need is Scarecrow.

Bro here calls himself a jester, but he's certainly not like any sort of jester that I've seen, as most jesters don't make hair grow on your palms. In the game, he functions as your guide, telling you what to do and where to go with more than a dash of terror and confusion.

And in case you're wondering, the making of you into a man also applies to all of the little girls out there. Just take caution around Scarecrow. Just saying.

Punishment for not heeding these words: I won’t be the one punishing you.

6. If you switch the Ls and Rs, it becomes Forkrole.


NOTE: This is the first thing that came up on a Google image search of “Japanese.” WTF.

Let's be honest with ourselves. We all occasionally forget how to speak the English language. And by we I mainly mean you, oh Chief Bastard of the Folklore Uninitiated. In other cases, perhaps this would be embarrassing. Yet in this case, you only make the title of the game even more awesome. It's so awesome, in fact, that Firefox doesn't identify it as a misspelled word. That, friends, is a true badge of perfection.

Punishment for not heeding these words: A severe beating with a Kanji learner’s dictionary.

7. You have an overall desire to keep living.



If you're still reading at this point rather than playing Folklore, there is clearly something wrong with you. If you'd like me to, I would be glad to have a one-on-one sit down to discuss your lack of a future on this Earth, but I think you'll agree with me that it's far more beneficial for you to simply play Folklore now. You won't experience a game like it any time soon.

Punishment for not heeding these words: Having “BALLS” tattooed on your forehead, and having "FOREHEAD" tattooed on your balls. And then having a piano dropped on you cartoon style.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that it is the product of one Kouji Okada of Shin Megami Tensei fame. You seriously don't need another reason now. Don't make me get out the wooden spoon.

 
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