Pictured: A professional interview.

With all of the excitement of E3 and the flurry of analyst predictions that the event has spawned, I wanted to sit down and have a chat with famous industry analyst Michael Pachter to ask him for some answer about topics that we, as gamers, really care about.

Apparently that isn’t quite as easy as I thought.

I did manage, however, to get Michael Pachter’s uncle, Mitch Pachter, for an exclusive one-on-one interview about the hard-hitting topics from the videogame world. His answers were…interesting.

Kauz: Many industry analysts and journalists have spoken lately about the eventual winner in the console war. In your opinion, who will come out on top?

Mitch Pachter: AMERICA. [emphasis his]

Kauz: So, you mean to say that Microsoft will win this console war?

Pachter: God damn Windows. I can never get that damn thing to work. I always knew that Bill Gates was a terrorist.

Kauz: Sir, I’m asking about the videogame console war, not the War on Terrorism.

Pachter: Oh fuck off you communist. Of course you’re gonna just forget about the greatest threat the nation has ever faced.

Kauz: Let’s move on. Both Microsoft and Sony introduced motion control systems at their E3 press conferences. How do you expect this to affect the sales of all three consoles?

Pachter: Um, my truck has a center console. It’s where I keep my beers. God almighty, is there anything better than driving down the highway with a PBR in your hand?

Kauz: Yes. Yes there is. How do you believe the global recession has affected each console manufacturer?

Pachter: Oh fuck off with the goddamned recession talk. Everybody knows it’s just the rest of the world trying to make America look weak. But I’ve got news for you: we’ll kick your ass!

Kauz: Right. Sir, if you could refrain from throwing beer cans in the interview room. Now, do you believe that Nintendo will release a new version of its Wii console in the next two years?

Pachter: No, I don’t.

Kauz: Oh? Oh, wow, OK. What makes you feel that way, Mr. Pachter?

Pachter: Oh son of a bitch. I got a damn mustard stain on my shirt.

Kauz: You have many, sir. Now, about that new Wii. Do you feel that Nintendo might release an HD version of the Wii console?

Pachter: Where the fuck did you hear that? Did my wife tell you?

Kauz: Actually, it was your nephew that made the…

Pachter: That son of a bitch. Now the whole damn world’s gonna know I’ve got VD.

Kauz: HD, sir. Not VD. Forget it, let’s move on.

Pachter: Can we talk about that Miley Cyrus? She’s so god damned hot.

Kauz: That’s horrifying, sir. How do you feel about the viability of the Playstation 2 in the near future?

Pachter: Mexicans.

Kauz: I beg your pardon.

Pachter: Shitty product made by lazy Mexicans, and I won’t stand for it. I spent my entire life working for this country. I built this god damned nation. And you want me to talk about Playstation? I’ll tell you something. I enjoy a good bean burrito from Taco Bell as much as the next guy, but what’s the point? I could make a damn burrito if I wanted to. Give me a damn can of beans.

Kauz: I have no idea what you just said. Last question: how do you feel about the popularity of portable gaming, specifically, gaming on cell phones?

Pachter: Bunch of crooks, the phone company. Maybe I’ll just stop paying my bill, huh? See how they like that! Where the hell did my beer go? You know, I played a video game once. Crock of shit. Had those homosexual chipmunks in it from the cartoon. That female mouse was hot, though. God damn it, now I have an erection.

Kauz: Gadget from Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers, right. Glad to hear it. Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Pachter. This actually managed to be more enlightening than a conversation with your nephew.