Had some free time at work today and decided to practice some speed creative writing, oh God, what is wrong with me!?
Hey podtoid gang! Hope you like my tribute Dafoe Movie pitch! Hopefully you see this and maybe find it good enough to read it during the podcast!
Danny Devito plays Vanny Devito, a regular magic van working as a school transport. He was pretty miserable because kids would jump and pinch his seats ‘Stop joimping on my god damn seats you pricks! I’m warning you!’. One day, when getting an oil change at the local magic van shop, he tells his favorite mechanic about his awful job. ‘Those joiks at school make no effort to teach those kids good manners on how to handle my insides, I bet if they would learn in a more fun way they wouldn’t be idiots’.
‘WELL I’VE GOT THE SOLUTION FOR YOU!’, Yells his favorite mechanic, Mr. Coggers, as he takes his cap off ‘I WILL TAKE THEM ON A MAGIC RIDE ACROSS THE WORLD, AND TEACH THEM THE IDEA OF RESPECT!!’, and it’s actually Mrs. Fritz (from the Magic School Bus) played by Willem Dafoe. Vanny can’t contain his excitement as he wonders about better days where kids don’t touch his insides improperly “Oh please Mrs. Fritz could you come and..’, ‘I SAID I WOULD HELP YOU YA IDIOT’, rudely interrupted Mrs. Firtz ‘DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME!? NOW LET’S GO TO SCHOOL AND PICK UP THOSE KIDS FROM THEIR CLASSROOM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!’.
Then there is a 30 minute montage of Mrs. Fritz recklessly driving way above the speed limit around Generic City USA “Wait Mrs. Fritz we may crash!” Vanny says as he shivers in regret and fear. ‘NO! YOU ARE A MAGIC VAN AND MAGIC VANS NEVER CRASH OR HURT PEOPLE! SO ITS OK!’ says Mrs. Fritz filled with joy, ‘I’M COMING FOR YOU KIDS! OR I’M NOT CALLED THE FRITZ FOR NOTHING!!!’.
So they get to “Generic City USA School for Ungrateful Brats” (or G.C.U.S.A.S.U.B. as the cool kids call it) and parks right outside the school ‘COME ON KIDS! GET INSIDE VANNY! WE WILL GO ON AN ADVEEEEENTUUUREEEEE!!’ the kids are ecstatic because they are going to skip class for this. ‘NOW VANNY HERE TELLS ME YOU’VE ALL BEEN JOYCKS TO HIM! SO I WILL TEACH YOU ABOUT RESPECT! I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE SCARIETS PLACES ON EARTH!’ says Mrs. Fritz viciously.
Then there is an hour montage of Mrs. Fritz taking the kids through the scariest and god-forsaken places in planet earth. The events include; visiting the pirates in Somalia, the drug cartels controlled jungles of Colombia and Mexico, the hideouts of all the Islamist extremists, a Westboro Baptist church service and all the prisons around the world. During all these events they are closely exposed to mortal danger but never close enough for them to actually be in serious trouble. ‘VANNY IS MAGIC!!!’, Mrs. Fritz yells ‘THEREFORE, YOU ARE ALL SAFE AND NOT EXPOSED TO SERIOUS TROUBLE!’
After traveling around the world they get back to school just in time for lunch and no one ever noticed they left. ‘WELL KIDS! I HOPE YOU LEARNED ABOUT NOT MESSING WITH VANNY’S INSIDES! FOR THE WORLD IS A FAR WORSE PLACE THAN WHAT YOU THOUGHT!!’ Mrs. Fritz lectured the kids followed by a low whisper ‘and you’ve got it pretty good’. As the kids come out of the bus filled with a new spirit and intentions of living a better and nicer life, Vanny thanks Mrs. Fritz for her help ‘Thank you “The Fritz” without you this kids would not have stopped pinching and jumping in my insides’, ‘DON’T MENTION IT KID!’ yells Mrs. Fritz as she floats up into the sky while two bat wings come out of his back followed by a full black giant vampire bat that flies away and Mrs. Fritz yells ‘EEEEAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH’, she then falls back onto the ground and says ‘not only the kids learned to be good, I learned to leave my bad thoughts and intentions fly away IN THE FORM OF A BAT!!! LET’S GO VANNY! WE HAVE MORE SCHOOLS TO FIX!’