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1:58 AM on 04.07.2008

Mario Swears in a Nintendo Game

My virgin ears!!!

[embed]80248:10067[/embed]   read

8:26 PM on 03.16.2008

Worst Game Evar

With far too much of my past week having been spent on polishing my skillz on this low-budget, indie game, for yesterday (Sat.) alone, I entered "Round 2" of BTE feeling confident that I would be able to advance pretty deep. I wasn't expecting to repeat the previous week's glory, but what a major letdown it still turned out to be.

My posse of 2 and I arrived on the scene at 1pm, as was instructed by GameStop employees last week to do so, despite the certificate, that certified my victory, stating 2pm as the starting time of the tournament. Apparently, a couple of winnars either didn't get the memo or had better things to do (not possible), and were being waited on to show up. As a result, there were these little, 8 year old shits, who were with their brothers or something, trying to cajole their way into the bracket and steal the flakers' spots—thankfully in vain.

The organizer-lady put an end to the friendly warm-ups being played on the store's Wii kiosk, that was set up, just for today, outside in front of the window. She wielded the Wiimote and nunchuk, (once again) the only controller allowed, and jumped into Tournament Mode to set the rules. As items and time mode (set to 3 min.) were being turned on, from the previous off and stock settings (of which were in use during said warm-ups), the chorus of squirming and groaning from the crowd delighted my ears. Grow up, tourneyfags. After that, the next portion was for us participants to enter our 5-letter handles and select our characters. "GG!" I went with my boy Donkey Kong and heard lolling behind me. I told myself that this was good, for I was totally SIKEing them out. The late people ended up not showing after all, and the competition was to start, though with an abbreviated bracket.

The computer selected me and a blinged out brutha to compete the first match of the first round, on the Lylat stage. He was Link, and managed to get first blood on DK. I came back to +2 him though, with less than a minute a left, and held on to win. The peanut gallery seemed amazed that someone could actually use the monkey and be effective. I felt pretty good at this point, that it would indeed be a good tournament.

That's when things got real shitty, due to either the store's laziness and incompetence, or some idiotic rules they were forced to follow. The next randomly selected pair were forced, by Tournament Mode, to some shitty, custom map. One person did advance, but nobody really won this match. After the third match concluded, I was incredulous when I saw that, due to the odd number caused by no-shows, the winner moving on from this one would be heading straight to 3rd round, without having to beat anyone in the 2nd. What a load of shit. Thanks TM, you're way better than pen and paper combined with basic organizational skills, that could've allowed for a losers' bracket.

As the rest of the first round played itself out, I was hoping that I would not be subjected to any such bologna in my 2nd rounder. Low and behold, my opponent (a Metaknight) and I get to decide who advances, on some shitty, custom map. For a change, I managed to gain the upperhand immediately. I was in definite control for most of the match, feeding off the "LOLOLDONKEYPUNCH"s from behind me. I seemingly had it in the bag, when I spiked Metaknight straight down, off the side. Just about on any other maps, this would have decided the match in my favor, but the rigged ass stage resembled a target practice level and their verticalness, enabling this winged motherf'er to fly back up. I was a bit raged. This may or may not have affected me, as one of the next things I did was somehow commit a suicide on a ghey platform, and thus evened the score. With about 15 seconds left, I blew a perfect opportunity to land a charged punsch for the KO, and he ranaway. It went to sudden death, where I got caught in Metaknight's B "Tasmanian Devil" move, and completed the choke.

Didn't stick around to see the end, after my Waterloo, since it started getting colder and rain started falling. F this game. F Tournament Mode. F Metaknight. F U. Uninstalling.

Oh yeah, add me, leave your #. You know the drill.


12:45 AM on 03.09.2008

A Winnar Is Me

Yours truly attended a local GameStop's BIGGEST TOURNAMENT EVER! with a couple of buddies. The turnout at the 10am event was around a dozen or so people (all dudes). Less than I expected, but it was probably a good thing.

The atmosphere was antithetical of what I had come to expect from a Smash tourney. Time mode was used, not stock. Store provided Wiimote w/ Nunchuk were the only controllers allowed. Best of all, items, and all their zomgnubcake randomness, were on. I was quite pleased by this.

After each contestant got a chance to warm-up, in pairs, for 1:00 (not o'clock), we began. I chose DK, as I always have for decades, lost my practice run, and promptly lost in the 2:00 first round. I blame the controller config for my early shortcomings. Filled with disappointment, I was resigned to watching the rest of the tournament unfold without me, and ready to uninstall forever. However, it turned that there were an uneven number of people moving onto the second round, meaning one more spot was up for grabs.

This would be the turning point. We, first round losers, were instructed to pick between 1-100. The two nearest picks would be given the shot to reinsert themselves back into the bracket. 79 was revealed to be the magic number. I, 72, ended up handling 91(?) in the play-in match, to complete my resurrection.

8 remain. My remaining road to the finals had few bumps. Second round 3:00 match vs. Ike was EZ to Donkey Punch. learn 2 not telegraph counters.
4 remain. Hogged all the Final Smashes, and beat Mario in 4:00 semifinal. This guy beat my friend the previous round, so I avenged him.
2 remain. Oh shit son, the finals. 5 wholes minutes of fatty vs. fatty!

This was one of the most memorable, intense matches I've ever played. My fellow finalist had also steamrolled his way to this final, using the apparently improved Bowser. He had the clear advantage on me during the first two minutes, knocking my ass out first. I managed to hang in there though after that, trading kills a few times, without ever letting the separation be greater than +1 in his favor. Each and every big-time hit had the congregation buzzing. I tied it up with a minute to go, only to be KO'd and returned to the deficit at around the :40 mark. I knew I was in trouble at this point, for he did not have much damage and I did not have much time left, to at least pull even.

Vtec kicked in yo, as I saw a Final Smash ball appear and desperately tried to prevent him from touching it (that would be Gigabowser FYI). Success. The bongo fury was unleashed and I saw my window of opportunity open. With my pals beside me rooting me on, and the GameStop employees amused that "the phoenix" could go all the way, I finished Koopadikc off, and it was deadlocked with less than :15 left. Of course, I ran away to take my chances in f'ing SUDDEN DEATH.

Each is 300%. One-hit KO is fatty hit. Racing is heart. Hesitant is both. Jump goes titans. Imminent is impact. A forward air-smash do DK. A winner is me. (Oh sorry about that)

I now have one of these sitting on my desk. Jealous? Then what of the $40 gift card (not pictured)? I will be seeking more loot next weekend, against other Local Legends of Wreckage. Can't wait to pick my copy up and get my muscles up.   read

5:23 AM on 03.01.2008


Yeah! Footage!


(Notice the heated exchange:
"F you" )

The important thing though, is that we all hope this turns out better than terriBadlands, aka most rigged map evar.   read

1:52 AM on 02.11.2008

Wait, what?

(nice ass)   read

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