I'm going to stop your brain with a single picture.

Starting NOW:



You may be confused by this thing. There there. It's okay. We all are. What you are looking at above is a relic from ancient times and ancient thrift stores. Like the Ark of the Covenant with a terrible rap discography, it has known to melt men in its presence and make crops wither into nothingness. Profits plummet from being caught in the same state of it and passport pictures gain 30% more zits by its sinister glare alone. Scientists would have dubbed it the ultimate element, but no man can approach it without dying in mid-thesis.

This... This is the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartridge. Forged crappily from the Spray-Paints of Mount Wal-Mart and signed with the blood of previous champions, it is passed on in the only way it knows how: in GLORIOUS, BLOODY BATTLE.

Wut.

A couple of years ago, bored out my frickin' mind two hours away from sanity, I decided to organize a little contest among my friends dubbed as the "Videolympics". From this innocuous competition of playing old video games once a year has come some of the most brutal competition I have seen among my crew.. Like a can of Surge raised high above a group of teens, you spray-paint a crappy game a golden-ish color and make them fight for it and magic happens. From games no man was meant to play (Double Dare for the NES-- No really, don't try this) to nostalgia attacks (NBA Jam: Tournament Edition) to "OH GOD WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE PROXIMITY MINES" (Goldeneye, of course.) it has been a source of smack talk for things that may never have smack talk attributed to it in the first place. It seemed like a fun thing, so we continued it. I bring it up here, in its third year, as an opportunity to talk about games on this long-forgotten cblog and give people ideas for their own hells. We're both bored and here anyway, so let's get to it.

The Games

We're going by a points system, not unlike the one you would see in Mario Kart. First place in a game will get points equal to the number of people participating, second n-1, third n-2, etc. etc. The two highest point values will face off in a SEEKRIT GAME (The urge to shout "Super Mario Brothers 3!" in a crazy The Wizard style is temptation in of itself, but no.)

Ironically, the Videolympics have banned all Olympic-style games. Missing all the hurdles because we don't know the controls to Summer Olympic Games '96 is funny the first three or so times, but it gets old [i]really[i] fast.

So, we have these instead:

California Games:

Good ol' California Games! I don't think anyone in my group remembers how to play you anymore! Everything I knew about California growing up came from this game, which meant I assumed the entire population was hanging around outdoors refusing to go inside and people were roller skating and falling flat on their faces 24-7.



I will destroy all the seagulls in Footbag. All of them. I will get soooo many litter fines from their corpses.

Skate or Die:



After the Epyx created California Games, we get the game made up by Epyx employees for Konami! I know for a fact this is the game I'm weakest at. My best event is "Staring wide-eyed at Lester, for fear of averting my gaze will result in my soul being devoured by skate-mania." Expect high scores in the hundreds, folks!

Tetris The Grandmaster 2 Plus:

Okay, listeners, we're going to slow it down with a nice little game of Tetris. Friendly competition while we all chill on our beanbags and drink lukewarm espresso and click our fingers as we see a fellow compadre of ours make a beautiful tetris from basic shapes before our eyes. Oh yeah. I dig, I dig it--



AHHHHHHHHHH!

Determined score will be the sum of Grandmaster Mode + T.A Death mode. If anyone survives one minute in Death mode, I will be amazed.

Of course, Shaq-Fu:



A pro-tip to all you would-be Shaq-Attacks: Shaq only has one good move and that's his jump fierce kick. Pulling off super moves (Such as the Shaq-uriken. Gack.) is a feat best succeeded in by use of pentagrams and other occult objects. In fact, everyone's best move is the jump fierce kick. I expect a lot of acrobatics and button mashing to be done, which we will then mask as critical thinking and skill in hopes others will be impressed by. They will not.


Other stuff will be happening in the meantime, as time permits. VVVVVV time-trial runs and Robot Unicorn Attack rank high on the list of challenges people have made to each other among my peers. I find both ideas to be delicious.

But what about after that? What about the final round?

Well, that's where I need your help, guys. The final match will be between the two top players and have to be something that will blow their minds. I have a few ideas for stuff. I am curious if you guys have something better. I would prefer a two player game that both players play simultaneously, but I will consider devious ideas otherwise as well. I joked with a friend about making it a Sleep is Death battle and thus everyone wins, but we'll save that for when all is done and everyone is sufficiently drunk. Anything that may make everyone in the room go "Oh SNAP." is fair game.

Second Place does not get the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartidge, but instead earn ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS.



(In defunct Zimbabwe Currency.)

Why?

Because I'm bored and want to see people play old videogames that never get their chance in tourney play or will never otherwise. Because they're bored and they put up with me submitting them through the process. To have a group of people suffer their way through American Gladiators for the Super Nintendo and the joy on their faces when they realize that "spinny-your-joust-stick-over-the-head" move is the key to victory. Mostly because my friends like to drink and playing video games and drinking among friends make for the best blackmail/times. Because the end result will be awesome.

But mostly, for the GLORY of saying one has earned a spray-painted Shaq-Fu cartidge. It makes a great conversation piece among the insane!

Anyway, I think that's enough dust brushed off on the cblog. I'm going to try and post more here and try to maintain some sort of normalcy. We're going to hang more. We coo'. We 'coo.

BONUS THING:

Tiebreakers will be determined by Rise of the Robots for the SNES: