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2:52 PM on 12.23.2011

The Night Before Creepmas.

Happy holidays, guys! In celebration of the season and my ever-extending obsession with Minecraft, I present to you the following: "The Night Before Creepmas", a poem written by me and illustrated by my good friend Tcat!

(Note: Forgot that destructoid resizes the images for posts, so if you're having trouble reading it, the full size one can be found here.)

I'll have some more new content up very soon as well! I've been working on an EP after the release of the Creeper rap I did (The rest is not Minecraft-related, but decidedly nerdcore-tastic). I hope to have more info out about that soon! Until then, eat all the Christmas Candy!   read

10:34 PM on 05.02.2011

Have a Creeper Rap!

I like how every time I say the words "I'm going to update this thing more often." it somehow translates to me using some sort of mathematical combination of Mayan and Valve Time that basically state that I never *do* the intended thing. Stuff happens, terrible plots are unfurled and vanquished and sometimes I'm just very sleepy and forget for a while. It's all well-intentioned, I assure you!

But this time is the time! I will update more often! I have a game I'm working on at the moment and I really need a place to write things down in order to keep my goals. That could very well be here! Work is slow on it at the moment, but I'm finally at a point where I can begin making levels instead of mystifying over mysterious bugs that are beyond mankind's comprehension. I'll be sure to include some more info and pics when I feel its ready to be shown off.

But in the meantime, as a form of appeasement, have a nerdcore rap about everyone's favorite green mob thingy from Minecraft. He just wants to hug you! HUG YOU DEAD.


Yes, I was very bored the weekend this was made, but I'm still proud of it. I may do more of these in the future, depending on the reaction. Pxtone was used for the majority of the music. Crowbar/SirCrowbar is the nick I usually go by everywhere on the internet I don't feel like having a weirder name (See my Xbox Gamertag), so it ended up being my choice for artist name at the moment. Sorry for the confusion!

Anyway, enjoy! And I mean it about the updating thing! Yes, yes I see you rolling your eyes. We'll see who is eye rolling last! ... Wow, that makes even less sense than it did in my head.   read

7:31 PM on 04.19.2010

Videolympics! (Or: I run a game competition among friends so they can drink.)

I'm going to stop your brain with a single picture.

Starting NOW:

You may be confused by this thing. There there. It's okay. We all are. What you are looking at above is a relic from ancient times and ancient thrift stores. Like the Ark of the Covenant with a terrible rap discography, it has known to melt men in its presence and make crops wither into nothingness. Profits plummet from being caught in the same state of it and passport pictures gain 30% more zits by its sinister glare alone. Scientists would have dubbed it the ultimate element, but no man can approach it without dying in mid-thesis.

This... This is the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartridge. Forged crappily from the Spray-Paints of Mount Wal-Mart and signed with the blood of previous champions, it is passed on in the only way it knows how: in GLORIOUS, BLOODY BATTLE.


A couple of years ago, bored out my frickin' mind two hours away from sanity, I decided to organize a little contest among my friends dubbed as the "Videolympics". From this innocuous competition of playing old video games once a year has come some of the most brutal competition I have seen among my crew.. Like a can of Surge raised high above a group of teens, you spray-paint a crappy game a golden-ish color and make them fight for it and magic happens. From games no man was meant to play (Double Dare for the NES-- No really, don't try this) to nostalgia attacks (NBA Jam: Tournament Edition) to "OH GOD WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE PROXIMITY MINES" (Goldeneye, of course.) it has been a source of smack talk for things that may never have smack talk attributed to it in the first place. It seemed like a fun thing, so we continued it. I bring it up here, in its third year, as an opportunity to talk about games on this long-forgotten cblog and give people ideas for their own hells. We're both bored and here anyway, so let's get to it.

The Games

We're going by a points system, not unlike the one you would see in Mario Kart. First place in a game will get points equal to the number of people participating, second n-1, third n-2, etc. etc. The two highest point values will face off in a SEEKRIT GAME (The urge to shout "Super Mario Brothers 3!" in a crazy The Wizard style is temptation in of itself, but no.)

Ironically, the Videolympics have banned all Olympic-style games. Missing all the hurdles because we don't know the controls to Summer Olympic Games '96 is funny the first three or so times, but it gets old [i]really[i] fast.

So, we have these instead:

California Games:

Good ol' California Games! I don't think anyone in my group remembers how to play you anymore! Everything I knew about California growing up came from this game, which meant I assumed the entire population was hanging around outdoors refusing to go inside and people were roller skating and falling flat on their faces 24-7.

I will destroy all the seagulls in Footbag. All of them. I will get soooo many litter fines from their corpses.

Skate or Die:

After the Epyx created California Games, we get the game made up by Epyx employees for Konami! I know for a fact this is the game I'm weakest at. My best event is "Staring wide-eyed at Lester, for fear of averting my gaze will result in my soul being devoured by skate-mania." Expect high scores in the hundreds, folks!

Tetris The Grandmaster 2 Plus:

Okay, listeners, we're going to slow it down with a nice little game of Tetris. Friendly competition while we all chill on our beanbags and drink lukewarm espresso and click our fingers as we see a fellow compadre of ours make a beautiful tetris from basic shapes before our eyes. Oh yeah. I dig, I dig it--



Determined score will be the sum of Grandmaster Mode + T.A Death mode. If anyone survives one minute in Death mode, I will be amazed.

Of course, Shaq-Fu:

A pro-tip to all you would-be Shaq-Attacks: Shaq only has one good move and that's his jump fierce kick. Pulling off super moves (Such as the Shaq-uriken. Gack.) is a feat best succeeded in by use of pentagrams and other occult objects. In fact, everyone's best move is the jump fierce kick. I expect a lot of acrobatics and button mashing to be done, which we will then mask as critical thinking and skill in hopes others will be impressed by. They will not.

Other stuff will be happening in the meantime, as time permits. VVVVVV time-trial runs and Robot Unicorn Attack rank high on the list of challenges people have made to each other among my peers. I find both ideas to be delicious.

But what about after that? What about the final round?

Well, that's where I need your help, guys. The final match will be between the two top players and have to be something that will blow their minds. I have a few ideas for stuff. I am curious if you guys have something better. I would prefer a two player game that both players play simultaneously, but I will consider devious ideas otherwise as well. I joked with a friend about making it a Sleep is Death battle and thus everyone wins, but we'll save that for when all is done and everyone is sufficiently drunk. Anything that may make everyone in the room go "Oh SNAP." is fair game.

Second Place does not get the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartidge, but instead earn ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS.

(In defunct Zimbabwe Currency.)


Because I'm bored and want to see people play old videogames that never get their chance in tourney play or will never otherwise. Because they're bored and they put up with me submitting them through the process. To have a group of people suffer their way through American Gladiators for the Super Nintendo and the joy on their faces when they realize that "spinny-your-joust-stick-over-the-head" move is the key to victory. Mostly because my friends like to drink and playing video games and drinking among friends make for the best blackmail/times. Because the end result will be awesome.

But mostly, for the GLORY of saying one has earned a spray-painted Shaq-Fu cartidge. It makes a great conversation piece among the insane!

Anyway, I think that's enough dust brushed off on the cblog. I'm going to try and post more here and try to maintain some sort of normalcy. We're going to hang more. We coo'. We 'coo.


Tiebreakers will be determined by Rise of the Robots for the SNES:

[embed]171487:29219[/embed]   read

2:41 PM on 09.01.2009

Persona 4 and Rock Anthems.

So, I've been meaning to post about a lot of cool things that have happened to me lately. I am now the owner of two arcade machines I bought for ubercheap off of Craigslist, for instance (A Neo Geo MVS and a Mortal Kombat II cabinet! It's like I got the local pizza diner's experience in my very apartment now! Pics and story coming soon, I swear.) I will be attending Dragon*Con very very soon and am wondering if any of the other members of the Destructoid force are attacking it as well, since you're all lovable bastards and I want to see you there. I saw District 9 and Inglorious Basterds, which pleased my movie senses greatly.

But no, I decide not to talk about any of that. Instead, I'm going to talk about Persona 4. I'm really liking it thus far, though it's up in the air on whether I've obsessed over it more than Persona 3 or not. The characters are very fun, as is the dungeon crawling. Furthermore, Persona remains one of the few RPGs where I'm happy grinding for a few more levels if necessary. Usually I'm trying to wriggle my way out of getting those last few levels GameFAQs totally swears I need (This explains why I beat stuff like Final Fantasy I on the PSX Origins disc at Level 26. It's surely a sign of madness.)

However, there's been a song I've listened to in game for the past 50 hours or so that I couldn't help but make a slight edit too. Restless from waiting to get out to Dragon*Con and having nothing better to do, I opened my favorite sound editors and began working on... Something.

The end result? Well, Let me be the first to apologize to both fans of Persona 4 and fans of Queen..

. . .

Yes, that is a mashup of "Backside of the TV" from Persona 4 mixed with "We Will Rock You" by Queen. Here's hoping you enjoy, or at least are amused as I am over it.

Finally, if anyone going to Dragon*Con and is not wanting to punch me for the above*, the sketch comedy group I am with, Channel Z, will be doing a Podcast Party somewhere at Friday at 10 PM. We're not sure on the location, but if people are digging it, I will update here shortly as soon as we figure out where that will be. Do not be surprised if I make you read bad fanfiction for the internet to hear later or if copious Shaq Fu references are involved in some way.

* - I'm just kidding. You punchers can come too! Just punch softly. With love.   read

9:24 PM on 06.19.2009

Contest Swag Won! + The Wonderful World of Atari Radio Dramas

So, I apparently won a contest on Destructoid not too long ago! This one, to be precise. I have determined that this is the bee's knees, if not only for the fact that there's now an envelope sitting in my living room with the Destructoid logo on it. Hurrah!

Mostly, it's just little Hudson swag. Demo discs for Marble Saga Kororinopa, Deca Sports and Help Wanted, a Help Wanted ID thingy (With about 50 cards in it, one for each job in the game I assume. I don't think I'll take it off Action Hero.), A Miami Law badge and a Marble Saga Kororinopa beanie in which people claim is supposed to placed on the head. The beanie was especially important in teaching me that I look incredibly silly with a beanie on my head.

There. I am now completely out of my element. Home and Garden Associations! I am here to look suspicious, to get out of your yards and stop playing that darned rock n' roll music!

(Yes, the 3D Glasses are absolutely necessary. Do not question the red/cyan spectrum. You will only get severe eyestrain!)

I would do the full unpacking thing, but I have determined it far too boring to release onto the masses. The narcolepsy that would befall this land would be nigh unrecoverable from.

INSTEAD, a post on the main Destructoid site about the Missile Command vinyl album today made me remember that I had not only heard it before, but have a link to snag the whole album for download! The Missile Command songs are surreal in of themsleves (Remember the plots you would make based on the covers of Atari 2600 games? It's sort of like that, but with a chorus phoning in "Missile commannnnddd!" every few seconds), but the real gem on this page is the Asteroids drama vinyl.

Meant for a younger audience eager to pay over their allowance to have even a twinge of the game at the close reach, it details the adventure of Captain Jim Stanton and his plucky trainee kid as they fight the shit out Asteroids and inevitably gets sent backwards in time to the 1980's (You know, like Star Trek IV, but with less funny and less whales.)! Captain Jim Stanton is also kind of a dick, threatening to blow up Saturn moments after meeting his apprentice and proceeding to mock all of the eighties before (of course) saving it. Come for the asteroids, stay for the nonsensical technobabble!

So there you have it. Add this stuff to you MP3 players, kiddies, and make sure you make everyone in your car listen to it three times each! They'll be sure to thank you!

BONUS - Continuing the Pro Tip Hotline stuff from my last post: have you ever wanted to try to improve your Dig Dug game via more ancient technolog than VHS tapes? Well, now you can with "Conquer the Video Game Craze!"! It's worth it just to hear the audio summary of each game. (As with Centipede: "You - are - a - gun - who - is -also - a - snake - head!" So awesome.)   read

8:29 PM on 05.12.2009

It's Freedom Stick! It's the One to Get!

So, I haven't been able to post on this thing for awhile. My bad. Things have been hectic. Real hectic. Family emergency hectic. Might make for a good post someday, but it's definitely not video game related. It's calmed down since then, thankfully. The important thing is that I have returned to you, the viewers at home, and I am ready and fully willing to rock anyone's face off who dare get in my way.

And when those people, who wish their faces to be rocked off, dare to challenge me, this will be my weapon:

A little bit of backstory: Game Player's Magazine, long ago, commissioned a research company to make a bunch of "Game Player's Gametapes" with lots of Pro-Tips on them. Mostly, these tapes filled up space in the Scholastic Book Ads that all elementary schools got. When we weren't trying to figure out how to con our parents into getting us the latest Calvin and Hobbes collection (Which always seemed to be the only decent thing in these catalogs, next to the Far Side Books), we were trying to con them into getting us one of these tapes. "It'll make me awesome mom! It'll teach me how to beat Blaster Master!" If you followed these tapes carefully, you would learn one thing very, very quickly: That goddamn mutant frog of yours is gone forever, boy. They were, in fact, lies.

Anyway, I found a bunch of these tapes long ago for cheap at a thrift store back in college. Among the "helpful" tips were commercials such as the Freedom Stick. And I have decreed them hilarious enough in retrospect to preserver and throw up on the youtubernets. Which means you get more joy/pain in this world. It's a happy day for everyone!

So, hey kids! Did you want to learn how to master Mega Man 2? Apparently not, if you listen to Mr. Announcer Face! Remember, if you can't run through it, it must be too hard! Just keep running through it instead!

Don't believe me? No, seriously, check out what he does during Bubbleman's stage. Watch carefully; these tips could save your life!


A bunch more of these videos, each segmented by game, can be found here.

BONUS ROUND: (Also found on one of the tapes)


8:07 PM on 01.19.2009

How to Make My Day

So, a while ago, I wrote this blog post about the Daily Life of a Doritos Delivery Man in the hellish world that involves T-Rexes, Spoilers and the Renegade Drivers Who Love Them. People seemed to dig it, which I think is pretty cool! Definitely makes me want to do more random entries at 3 in the morning when I should be sleeping. There were a couple of things I didn't expect coming out of it though.

Yesterday, I woke up to the following on my 360:

(Gamertag blurred to protect the awesome.)

For those who don't want to wait and load the image, the message was as follows:

"Hi. John, right?

I'm Steve Taylor, one of the people at NinjaBee. I just now read your blog post about Dash of Destruction, and I just wanted to say:

Hahaha! nice work! :)"

Considering I was having a pretty crappy weekend, this absolutely made my day. Plus, it's always nice to see a developer with a sense of humor. Just goes to show who may be reading this AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Thumbs up!

In other news, I'm finally on the final dungeon of Persona 3's "The Answer". When it's done, I will most likely respond the same way as I did for Dragon Quest VIII and be extremely tempted to start it up again. Or finally get going on Persona 4. Well, so much for free time again!   read

10:25 PM on 01.07.2009

Plans for 2009: Video Game Edition!

Yeah, yeah, I know this is under NVGR. It doesn't exactly fit in any of the other categories, I say with a sad emoticon on the screen. :(

But anyway...

October 1, 1997: THE END DAY-- Oh. Wait. Um. Nevermind.

January, 2009: Finally finish Persona 3 after making the mistake of starting it on my vacation. Spent the majority of my Christmas vacation rocking out and loving it. Will probably hemorrhage at battle theme when coming into minor contact with it in later months.

February: Relieved that I have finally completed everything in Persona 3 FES and realize that I have Persona 4 waiting for me. Simultaneously thank and curse the heavens for this inevitable fate. Also, play a lot of Street Fighter IV and new Star Ocean that both come out right before my birthday. This is a major hint towards those in the business of giving me gifts which will guide you towards the best ending in JohannHat Land.

March: Probably make some headway in my backlog, which is kind of scary looking. I've got no real quips to add here. I've got the entire Atelier Iris series to get through!

April 7: Complete transfer to Gekkoukan High School. Notice that electronics stop working at midnight. Also, things may be a slightly greener tint during this time. Huh. Weird. May use new found powers in this time period to finally beat Mars Matrix and not, you know, save the world.

May: Be sad as Mars Matrix kicks my ass still. Ikaruga joins him, kicks some dirt in my face and takes my girl for good measure. Will consider that comic ad in the back of Archie Comics to get buff in a matter of weeks for one low, low price.

June: Hopefully get a game project off the ground and finished by then. We shall see! So far, it's going pretty good!

July - August: Magical Island Hopping Adventure. It's certainly not because it's too early to realize what may be actually going on during this time. By the way, tell Mike to dip my letter in water.

September: Dragon*Con. Spend the rest of the month recovering from massive intakes of awesometanium radiation (This may also be called "Booze".)

October: LAVOS 1999 CATACLYSM TEN YEAR REUNION TOUR hits my town, whooo! I'll see you in the spawn pit!

November: Both Dread and Anticipate another onslaught of possibly good games I would like to play as they tsunami across the entire internet. Few wallets will be saved from being ripped apart with the sheer and utter force of consumerism. Many donations will be made to a charity organization that most companies call "Profit" for some indeterminable reason.

December: Prepare for Publishing of Cliched Duke Nukem Forever Joke Book for release in oncoming year. Possibility of game actually coming out will not alter plans in any way.   read

1:20 AM on 12.24.2008

Diary of a Doritos Delivery Man

Day 1: I got this sweet new job today! I'm going to be an Official Doritos Delivery Man Person! Yeah, I know, it's not the most glamorous thing in the universe, but a job's a job. Sounds pretty easy in any case. I don't even have to enter stores! I just drop them off at indescriminate circles all over the city and they "Do the Rest". I'm about 94% sure it isn't a mafia front this time. I mean, I wrote "Delivery Man" on my W-2 and everything!

Anyway... My boss, Mike Borland, seems like a nice enough guy. Said he already had a special vehicle lined up just for me. That sounds kind of neat, but I'm not expecting much. He kept going on and on about improving my gamerscore or something? I don't know, sounds like some sort of seniority circle jerk within the company or something. If I'm to get anywhere in this job, I better just keep them happy. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

Tomorrow's the big day! Hooray, job!

Day 2, 10:02 AM: Wow. Already this job is boring. Traffic slowed to a crawl up ahead, so I'm updating this on the road. Get up, get in, drive, drop the packages off, etc. etc. etc. Nothing I didn't expect, but yawwwwwwn.

Radio's going on all morning about dinosaur sightings. Damn morning show. They're all "panicked" and "horrified", but they not even trying to hide the fakeness of it all. They even got the listeners in on the hysteria. Really, stop with the crappy T-Rex sound effect, guys. Screw the "Zed and Reba in the Rockin' Morning" Show. You heard it here first!

Hold on, I think this traffic jam is about to break free. Something's going on, anyway... BRB.



Day 2, 4:01 PM: I survived. I don't know how I did it, but I survived. If there's a world record for Most Times Survived a T-Rex Attack while Driving a Delivery Truck award, it belongs to me now. I've done it once.

Mike called in the middle of the whole thing too! Asked me if a T-Rex was chasing me. What the hell, man? He didn't even sound phased when I responded by screaming incomprehensibly. He just told me to finish my deliveries and get out of there. I don't know what the hell I was thinking actually following throw with his orders, but I delivered it to every last stop. It's like I had some Worksmanship Honor Adrenaline Rush going on or something. By god, I earned my pay today.

Mike threw in an extra five bucks to commend me for my efforts. Probably to shut me up too. He also promised he'd try and fix the problem and that I should take tomorrow off in the meantime. It sounded like he knew some people in the government used to this sort of thing, since he started going in on some high-tech stuff. Well, whatever, man. I just never want to go through that again.

Bought a large bag of Doritos with the money. Tasted like processed cheese powder, which is weird since I specifically got the Cool Ranch ones. Ah well.

Day 4: Mike Borland added a spoiler to my van.


Also, change my T-Rex Record to two, now.

Day 6: I don't think I've seen this much chaos and city destruction since I went to Angel Grove for my summer vacation.

T-Rex Attack Count: Something like 48 now? Beats me these days.

Day 8: Today, some asshole in a blue delivery van tried to steal my own delivery spots. I wasn't aware blazing rivalries came with the job (And their own respective T-Rex, apparently) but I also didn't read beyond the first two sentences in my contract either. I'm just now starting to wish I did. But it did prove to me that they drawn primarily to vans carrying junk food products. It concerns me greatly, this development.

Tomorrow is "Bring Your Daughter to Work" day at the company. I don't think it's a very good idea, but the wife is insisting. Show her a positive role model in action and all that. I can't say no to her, so I guess I'm stuck. Bleh.

Day 9: Look, I told her it wasn't a very good idea. Fortunately, we hid her in a pile of a competitor's brand chip supply, which the T-Rex refused to touch. I fear the Salt and Vinegar Chip smell may never leave my daughter for the rest of her natural life.

Also, now the T-Rex has armor plating? Fuck, man. Know what? I don't care. I blame PETA.

Day 13: Beginning to suspect Mike Borland is playing both sides for his own gains. When I went to my vehicle, there were these tiny little cybernetic claws on each side where the rear view mirrors used to be. I pointed them out to him and he just laughed it off. Said it was an office prank. Last I checked, office pranks did not claw the sides off the van in an effort to get into the contents. By this point, I've learned just to stop asking questions.

At least turbo boosting is fun.

Day 17: Tried to get my old job back at Toyota. Wasn't there anymore. Suspect T-Rex had something to do with it, much like rest of city.

You know, thinking back on it, it wasn't so bad. I shot robots in the face all day. Let me repeat that. I SHOT ROBOTS IN THE FACE. ALL DAY. ... Well, it would have been all day if it wasn't for the fact I got bored of the job within five minutes. Who sleeps at the wheel in an awesome half-pipe? I do, apparently. So did everyone else who got the job after me, too, so I hear.

Sighhhh. BRB. T-Rex chasing me. I think this one has cybernetic arms on it. HMMMM.

Day 18: I now know too much. It was all before my eyes and I was far too blind to see the reality veiled behind the madness. Mike Borland knows all. Mike Borland controls all. He has all this time and we never knew. Mike Borland is the alpha and the omega and he wields a future vision fueled by nothing more than sheer EXTREME. He will climb to the top of our corpses and sit in his throne made from his chips and our blood. He will rule and WE WILL DESPAIR.

... Oh god. It found me. I don't know how, but it found me. Run for it, Internet!


Day ??: Geezus Christ, this dino's stomach is DISGUSTING.. What has he been eating?

... Oh. ... Wait. ... Yeah.


AFK, being digested.

[With apologies to the real Mike Borland, who is probably a nice dude. Unless this is his diabolical plan all along. In that case, I would like to be dragged to my grave screaming "I WAS RIGHT! I. WAS. RIGGHHHT"]

[Also, Dash of Destruction is pretty okay for being pretty free.]   read

8:05 AM on 10.20.2008

Wind and Water: Puzzle Battles Pre-Ordering Has Begun!

I'm actually surprised noone else jumped on this one yet. I shall take it upon myself to do just that!

Redspotgames has announced that pre-ordering has begun for Yuan Work's latest game, Wind and Water: Puzzle Battles, on the Sega Dreamcast. I'll wait for you to finish you "Dreamcast Just Won't Die" comment before we continue. ... Good! The game goes for 25.95, which is roughly $35 in US Smackeroos not including shipping. I was initially intrigued by the well done pixelated art-style. I stayed for the frantic puzzle action that reminds me of fond memories with Magical Drop 3. There's a GP2X demo out there right now and I think there was a Dreamcast demo released in some European magazine, so if anyone had access to one or the other, I'd love to hear what others thought on this.

The game is supposed to ship out by the end of October, so I'll have to stare at my mailbox intently until it springs forth from it. INTENTLY, I say. Surely, this will make the time go faster!

The Dreamcast continues to be one of the best decisions I have made in gaming. I bought the system used my first year in my college and most of the games I still continue to play on it for less than $100. Copies of Skies of Arcadia and my import Street Fighter III: Third Strike (Which was actually cheaper than the US version, for whatever reason) are so close to my heart that they may in fact be fused with it. If I could snag a copy of Capcom Versus SNK 2 for it too, life may in fact be complete.

- Pre-order Info Portal Away!
- Also, Yuan Works Dev Blog.   read

11:23 PM on 10.15.2008

Tales from the Ticket Prize Counter

Ginnybear and Company in the Asheville Mall is probably one of the weirdest, tiniest arcades I've been to in recent memory. It's essentially half weapons store/half arcade hang out. This has the potential of being the most awesome place on earth, but it has the Aura of Southern-ness that comes in and ruins most things around here. POW-MIA flags, camo nets draped on the walls and pictures of an American Eagle teaming up with a howling Wolf to battle the Dragon of Communism, etc. etc. (Okay, that last one isn't real, but someone should make it so. For... Science. And stuff. Yeah.)

Now because it's in the mall it can't actually sell stuff like, y'know, guns. It mostly consists of hunting knives, decorative weaponry and Airsoft rifles. And because of its claustrophobic location, weird placements occur. The knives are in close proximity to the DDR unit. This worried me until I realized the endless possibilities knife fighting could bring to the Bemani Rhythm platform. Oh, what's that? You cut in line in front of me? KNIFE KNIFE REVOLUTION IT IS. Add in the cheesy announcer going "I KNEW THAT BLOOD WAS IN YOUR HEART." and we have a new favorite Bloodsport!

All this is odd, but not show stopping. This is the South here. I've seen weirder crossover storefronts (My favorite is still the Gun/Vacuum Shoppe) No, what finally stopped me was the ticket counter and what I found in place of the traditional stale Tootsie Rolls:

Yes, that's right, kiddies. Your magical skee-ball journey has granted you the holy gift of Jack T. Chick! Enjoy eternally going to hell! Everywhere else, these are littered among our nations bathrooms, telephone booths and Waffle Houses. Not here! You work to get your damnation here, bucko!

I didn't see Dark Dungeons or Boo!, so I didn't investigate much further. Still, there has to be weirder things to grace the ticket counter that I am completely forgetting about. If so, let me know!

In other news, I really wish opting-out of the Mario Kart Wii message service actually opted you out of it. I'm tired of seeing the blue light come on the Wii only to see it's another damn time trial I don't care about.

[Apologies for the fuzzyness of the pic. I would say my cell phone sucks at being anything other than a phone, but it does a pretty poor job of that too.]   read

10:47 AM on 09.22.2008

The 8-Bit Time Machine

So, Mega Man 9 was/will be released today. I'm actually pretty pumped up for it. I've already spoiled myself to the soundtrack early last week (Galaxy Man's theme won't leave my brain, taking root and hanging out with the Mega Man 2 and 3 Wily Themes), but the idea that I'll be able to go home and play what is essentially a new NES Mega Man game? Elation!

Still, what I wouldn't give to have a time machine at this very moment. Admittedly, this would also be a bad idea, 'cause I'd spend all the time just messing up my own timelime. It'd probably go something like this:

Younger Me: [Humming the MM2 Wily Theme.]

Me: [Suddenly appears!] BEYOWZA!

Younger Me: Whoooa!

Me: Greetings, younger version of me! I've come from the future to bring you great tidings of what is to come and to be. Furthermore, I have-- Oh god, you're making the Rush Jet Skateboard, aren't you?

YM: Yeah! It's made of wood!*

Me: Well, of course! All kid projects have to be made of wood! It's clearly the most available and useful of all kids' projects materials, pliable to the extreme!

YM: And metal's hard to bend, and dad won't let me touch the welding tools. :(

Me: Trust me kid, it's for the best. But look, I brought video games!

YM: I'm distracted again!

Me: You better be, because it's the latest Mega Man game!

YM: Whoa, radical! You still have Mega Man!?

Me: And more! Let me just get things around to set it up [Hooks the Wii up to the TV]

YM: Why do you have a white toaster, future me?

Me: Oh, this? Eh, it's just a new Nintendo system. It's pretty okay.


Me: ... You... Just saw the tiny screencaps of Super Mario World in Nintendo Power, didn't you?

YM: ... Yes?

Me: Kid, there's a lot to look forward to in the future. I'm not going to ruin it all for you. Just... Close your eyes and wait, okay?

YM: No way-- Wait, why are you swinging your hand like-- OH NEATO! YOU MADE THAT THING MOVE WITH YOUR HAND THING!

Me: *sigh*

[20 minutes later, after he's done asking questions and ruining all the surprises for the next 15 years.]

Me: Alright, get ready! It's Mega Man 9 time!

YM: Hooray! I bet it, like, goes into your mind and I can pretend to be Mega Man around my neighborhood, doesn't it? Pew pew pew! [Arm cannon imatation motions.]

Me: You just watch, kid.

[The Screen comes up.]

YM: It... Looks like *my* Mega Man games.

Me: Yeah!

YM: ...

Me: ...

YM: Yay new Mega Man!

Me: Yeahhh!

Annnnnnnd... SCENE.

* Yes, I did attempt to do this. I also attempted to turn the entire backyard into a training ground for American Gladiators in fourth grade. It was probably also going to be made of wood.   read

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