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Yo. I'm this dude. I do the things that make my life revolve around. Or something or other. Mostly, I try to figure out how to fit the mission guy from Bad Dudes into anything and everything. To show how dedicated I am to this idea, I own the domain http://www.badenoughdude.com/ Someday, I may even do more with it! Aside from that, I'm also the writer of a webcomic called RIPtheSYSTEM (http://www.ripsystem.com) and spend a lot of my time thinking up too many damn ideas for my own good. If this was an earlier time, I would have been executed for such things. Instead, I can just bitch about them on the internet. Hooray!

When I'm not doing weird stuff on the internet, I'm doing weird stuff behind or in front a camera. I'm part of the duo who created the sketch comedy group "Channel Z: The Last TV Station" (http://www.thelasttvstation.com/) Some of it has to do with video games!

When I'm not doing either of the two above, I'm planning my war room for when I get rich. It'll look exactly like the room in Wargames and have the game "Defcon" constantly playing at all times. You cannot sway me from this path.
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Happy holidays, guys! In celebration of the season and my ever-extending obsession with Minecraft, I present to you the following: "The Night Before Creepmas", a poem written by me and illustrated by my good friend Tcat!

(Note: Forgot that destructoid resizes the images for posts, so if you're having trouble reading it, the full size one can be found here.)



I'll have some more new content up very soon as well! I've been working on an EP after the release of the Creeper rap I did (The rest is not Minecraft-related, but decidedly nerdcore-tastic). I hope to have more info out about that soon! Until then, eat all the Christmas Candy!
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johannhat
10:34 PM on 05.02.2011

I like how every time I say the words "I'm going to update this thing more often." it somehow translates to me using some sort of mathematical combination of Mayan and Valve Time that basically state that I never *do* the intended thing. Stuff happens, terrible plots are unfurled and vanquished and sometimes I'm just very sleepy and forget for a while. It's all well-intentioned, I assure you!

But this time is the time! I will update more often! I have a game I'm working on at the moment and I really need a place to write things down in order to keep my goals. That could very well be here! Work is slow on it at the moment, but I'm finally at a point where I can begin making levels instead of mystifying over mysterious bugs that are beyond mankind's comprehension. I'll be sure to include some more info and pics when I feel its ready to be shown off.

But in the meantime, as a form of appeasement, have a nerdcore rap about everyone's favorite green mob thingy from Minecraft. He just wants to hug you! HUG YOU DEAD.



Yes, I was very bored the weekend this was made, but I'm still proud of it. I may do more of these in the future, depending on the reaction. Pxtone was used for the majority of the music. Crowbar/SirCrowbar is the nick I usually go by everywhere on the internet I don't feel like having a weirder name (See my Xbox Gamertag), so it ended up being my choice for artist name at the moment. Sorry for the confusion!

Anyway, enjoy! And I mean it about the updating thing! Yes, yes I see you rolling your eyes. We'll see who is eye rolling last! ... Wow, that makes even less sense than it did in my head.








I'm going to stop your brain with a single picture.

Starting NOW:



You may be confused by this thing. There there. It's okay. We all are. What you are looking at above is a relic from ancient times and ancient thrift stores. Like the Ark of the Covenant with a terrible rap discography, it has known to melt men in its presence and make crops wither into nothingness. Profits plummet from being caught in the same state of it and passport pictures gain 30% more zits by its sinister glare alone. Scientists would have dubbed it the ultimate element, but no man can approach it without dying in mid-thesis.

This... This is the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartridge. Forged crappily from the Spray-Paints of Mount Wal-Mart and signed with the blood of previous champions, it is passed on in the only way it knows how: in GLORIOUS, BLOODY BATTLE.

Wut.

A couple of years ago, bored out my frickin' mind two hours away from sanity, I decided to organize a little contest among my friends dubbed as the "Videolympics". From this innocuous competition of playing old video games once a year has come some of the most brutal competition I have seen among my crew.. Like a can of Surge raised high above a group of teens, you spray-paint a crappy game a golden-ish color and make them fight for it and magic happens. From games no man was meant to play (Double Dare for the NES-- No really, don't try this) to nostalgia attacks (NBA Jam: Tournament Edition) to "OH GOD WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE PROXIMITY MINES" (Goldeneye, of course.) it has been a source of smack talk for things that may never have smack talk attributed to it in the first place. It seemed like a fun thing, so we continued it. I bring it up here, in its third year, as an opportunity to talk about games on this long-forgotten cblog and give people ideas for their own hells. We're both bored and here anyway, so let's get to it.

The Games

We're going by a points system, not unlike the one you would see in Mario Kart. First place in a game will get points equal to the number of people participating, second n-1, third n-2, etc. etc. The two highest point values will face off in a SEEKRIT GAME (The urge to shout "Super Mario Brothers 3!" in a crazy The Wizard style is temptation in of itself, but no.)

Ironically, the Videolympics have banned all Olympic-style games. Missing all the hurdles because we don't know the controls to Summer Olympic Games '96 is funny the first three or so times, but it gets old [i]really[i] fast.

So, we have these instead:

California Games:

Good ol' California Games! I don't think anyone in my group remembers how to play you anymore! Everything I knew about California growing up came from this game, which meant I assumed the entire population was hanging around outdoors refusing to go inside and people were roller skating and falling flat on their faces 24-7.



I will destroy all the seagulls in Footbag. All of them. I will get soooo many litter fines from their corpses.

Skate or Die:



After the Epyx created California Games, we get the game made up by Epyx employees for Konami! I know for a fact this is the game I'm weakest at. My best event is "Staring wide-eyed at Lester, for fear of averting my gaze will result in my soul being devoured by skate-mania." Expect high scores in the hundreds, folks!

Tetris The Grandmaster 2 Plus:

Okay, listeners, we're going to slow it down with a nice little game of Tetris. Friendly competition while we all chill on our beanbags and drink lukewarm espresso and click our fingers as we see a fellow compadre of ours make a beautiful tetris from basic shapes before our eyes. Oh yeah. I dig, I dig it--



AHHHHHHHHHH!

Determined score will be the sum of Grandmaster Mode + T.A Death mode. If anyone survives one minute in Death mode, I will be amazed.

Of course, Shaq-Fu:



A pro-tip to all you would-be Shaq-Attacks: Shaq only has one good move and that's his jump fierce kick. Pulling off super moves (Such as the Shaq-uriken. Gack.) is a feat best succeeded in by use of pentagrams and other occult objects. In fact, everyone's best move is the jump fierce kick. I expect a lot of acrobatics and button mashing to be done, which we will then mask as critical thinking and skill in hopes others will be impressed by. They will not.


Other stuff will be happening in the meantime, as time permits. VVVVVV time-trial runs and Robot Unicorn Attack rank high on the list of challenges people have made to each other among my peers. I find both ideas to be delicious.

But what about after that? What about the final round?

Well, that's where I need your help, guys. The final match will be between the two top players and have to be something that will blow their minds. I have a few ideas for stuff. I am curious if you guys have something better. I would prefer a two player game that both players play simultaneously, but I will consider devious ideas otherwise as well. I joked with a friend about making it a Sleep is Death battle and thus everyone wins, but we'll save that for when all is done and everyone is sufficiently drunk. Anything that may make everyone in the room go "Oh SNAP." is fair game.

Second Place does not get the Golden Shaq-Fu Cartidge, but instead earn ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS.



(In defunct Zimbabwe Currency.)

Why?

Because I'm bored and want to see people play old videogames that never get their chance in tourney play or will never otherwise. Because they're bored and they put up with me submitting them through the process. To have a group of people suffer their way through American Gladiators for the Super Nintendo and the joy on their faces when they realize that "spinny-your-joust-stick-over-the-head" move is the key to victory. Mostly because my friends like to drink and playing video games and drinking among friends make for the best blackmail/times. Because the end result will be awesome.

But mostly, for the GLORY of saying one has earned a spray-painted Shaq-Fu cartidge. It makes a great conversation piece among the insane!

Anyway, I think that's enough dust brushed off on the cblog. I'm going to try and post more here and try to maintain some sort of normalcy. We're going to hang more. We coo'. We 'coo.

BONUS THING:

Tiebreakers will be determined by Rise of the Robots for the SNES:


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So, I've been meaning to post about a lot of cool things that have happened to me lately. I am now the owner of two arcade machines I bought for ubercheap off of Craigslist, for instance (A Neo Geo MVS and a Mortal Kombat II cabinet! It's like I got the local pizza diner's experience in my very apartment now! Pics and story coming soon, I swear.) I will be attending Dragon*Con very very soon and am wondering if any of the other members of the Destructoid force are attacking it as well, since you're all lovable bastards and I want to see you there. I saw District 9 and Inglorious Basterds, which pleased my movie senses greatly.

But no, I decide not to talk about any of that. Instead, I'm going to talk about Persona 4. I'm really liking it thus far, though it's up in the air on whether I've obsessed over it more than Persona 3 or not. The characters are very fun, as is the dungeon crawling. Furthermore, Persona remains one of the few RPGs where I'm happy grinding for a few more levels if necessary. Usually I'm trying to wriggle my way out of getting those last few levels GameFAQs totally swears I need (This explains why I beat stuff like Final Fantasy I on the PSX Origins disc at Level 26. It's surely a sign of madness.)

However, there's been a song I've listened to in game for the past 50 hours or so that I couldn't help but make a slight edit too. Restless from waiting to get out to Dragon*Con and having nothing better to do, I opened my favorite sound editors and began working on... Something.

The end result? Well, Let me be the first to apologize to both fans of Persona 4 and fans of Queen..

. . .

Yes, that is a mashup of "Backside of the TV" from Persona 4 mixed with "We Will Rock You" by Queen. Here's hoping you enjoy, or at least are amused as I am over it.

Finally, if anyone going to Dragon*Con and is not wanting to punch me for the above*, the sketch comedy group I am with, Channel Z, will be doing a Podcast Party somewhere at Friday at 10 PM. We're not sure on the location, but if people are digging it, I will update here shortly as soon as we figure out where that will be. Do not be surprised if I make you read bad fanfiction for the internet to hear later or if copious Shaq Fu references are involved in some way.

* - I'm just kidding. You punchers can come too! Just punch softly. With love.










So, I apparently won a contest on Destructoid not too long ago! This one, to be precise. I have determined that this is the bee's knees, if not only for the fact that there's now an envelope sitting in my living room with the Destructoid logo on it. Hurrah!



Mostly, it's just little Hudson swag. Demo discs for Marble Saga Kororinopa, Deca Sports and Help Wanted, a Help Wanted ID thingy (With about 50 cards in it, one for each job in the game I assume. I don't think I'll take it off Action Hero.), A Miami Law badge and a Marble Saga Kororinopa beanie in which people claim is supposed to placed on the head. The beanie was especially important in teaching me that I look incredibly silly with a beanie on my head.



There. I am now completely out of my element. Home and Garden Associations! I am here to look suspicious, to get out of your yards and stop playing that darned rock n' roll music!

(Yes, the 3D Glasses are absolutely necessary. Do not question the red/cyan spectrum. You will only get severe eyestrain!)

I would do the full unpacking thing, but I have determined it far too boring to release onto the masses. The narcolepsy that would befall this land would be nigh unrecoverable from.

INSTEAD, a post on the main Destructoid site about the Missile Command vinyl album today made me remember that I had not only heard it before, but have a link to snag the whole album for download! The Missile Command songs are surreal in of themsleves (Remember the plots you would make based on the covers of Atari 2600 games? It's sort of like that, but with a chorus phoning in "Missile commannnnddd!" every few seconds), but the real gem on this page is the Asteroids drama vinyl.

Meant for a younger audience eager to pay over their allowance to have even a twinge of the game at the close reach, it details the adventure of Captain Jim Stanton and his plucky trainee kid as they fight the shit out Asteroids and inevitably gets sent backwards in time to the 1980's (You know, like Star Trek IV, but with less funny and less whales.)! Captain Jim Stanton is also kind of a dick, threatening to blow up Saturn moments after meeting his apprentice and proceeding to mock all of the eighties before (of course) saving it. Come for the asteroids, stay for the nonsensical technobabble!

So there you have it. Add this stuff to you MP3 players, kiddies, and make sure you make everyone in your car listen to it three times each! They'll be sure to thank you!

BONUS - Continuing the Pro Tip Hotline stuff from my last post: have you ever wanted to try to improve your Dig Dug game via more ancient technolog than VHS tapes? Well, now you can with "Conquer the Video Game Craze!"! It's worth it just to hear the audio summary of each game. (As with Centipede: "You - are - a - gun - who - is -also - a - snake - head!" So awesome.)
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So, I haven't been able to post on this thing for awhile. My bad. Things have been hectic. Real hectic. Family emergency hectic. Might make for a good post someday, but it's definitely not video game related. It's calmed down since then, thankfully. The important thing is that I have returned to you, the viewers at home, and I am ready and fully willing to rock anyone's face off who dare get in my way.

And when those people, who wish their faces to be rocked off, dare to challenge me, this will be my weapon:


A little bit of backstory: Game Player's Magazine, long ago, commissioned a research company to make a bunch of "Game Player's Gametapes" with lots of Pro-Tips on them. Mostly, these tapes filled up space in the Scholastic Book Ads that all elementary schools got. When we weren't trying to figure out how to con our parents into getting us the latest Calvin and Hobbes collection (Which always seemed to be the only decent thing in these catalogs, next to the Far Side Books), we were trying to con them into getting us one of these tapes. "It'll make me awesome mom! It'll teach me how to beat Blaster Master!" If you followed these tapes carefully, you would learn one thing very, very quickly: That goddamn mutant frog of yours is gone forever, boy. They were, in fact, lies.

Anyway, I found a bunch of these tapes long ago for cheap at a thrift store back in college. Among the "helpful" tips were commercials such as the Freedom Stick. And I have decreed them hilarious enough in retrospect to preserver and throw up on the youtubernets. Which means you get more joy/pain in this world. It's a happy day for everyone!

So, hey kids! Did you want to learn how to master Mega Man 2? Apparently not, if you listen to Mr. Announcer Face! Remember, if you can't run through it, it must be too hard! Just keep running through it instead!

Don't believe me? No, seriously, check out what he does during Bubbleman's stage. Watch carefully; these tips could save your life!



A bunch more of these videos, each segmented by game, can be found here.

BONUS ROUND: (Also found on one of the tapes)


BONUS BONUS ROUND: