Day 1: I got this sweet new job today! I'm going to be an Official Doritos Delivery Man Person! Yeah, I know, it's not the most glamorous thing in the universe, but a job's a job. Sounds pretty easy in any case. I don't even have to enter stores! I just drop them off at indescriminate circles all over the city and they "Do the Rest". I'm about 94% sure it isn't a mafia front this time. I mean, I wrote "Delivery Man" on my W-2 and everything!
Anyway... My boss, Mike Borland, seems like a nice enough guy. Said he already had a special vehicle lined up just for me. That sounds kind of neat, but I'm not expecting much. He kept going on and on about improving my gamerscore or something? I don't know, sounds like some sort of seniority circle jerk within the company or something. If I'm to get anywhere in this job, I better just keep them happy. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.
Tomorrow's the big day! Hooray, job!
Day 2, 10:02 AM: Wow. Already this job is boring. Traffic slowed to a crawl up ahead, so I'm updating this on the road. Get up, get in, drive, drop the packages off, etc. etc. etc. Nothing I didn't expect, but yawwwwwwn.
Radio's going on all morning about dinosaur sightings. Damn morning show. They're all "panicked" and "horrified", but they not even trying to hide the fakeness of it all. They even got the listeners in on the hysteria. Really, stop with the crappy T-Rex sound effect, guys. Screw the "Zed and Reba in the Rockin' Morning" Show. You heard it here first!
Hold on, I think this traffic jam is about to break free. Something's going on, anyway... BRB.
Day 2, 10:04 AM: HOLY GAWD THERE'S A T-REX ON THE LOOSE OUT THERE OH GEEZ HELL DOES OUR PRESIDENT KNOW!?!
SHIT I NEED TO UPDATE TWITTER WITH THIS SHIT HOLD ON: @twittersaurusrex: OH MY GOD IT'S LOOKING RIGHT AT MEEEEEE.
Day 2, 4:01 PM: I survived. I don't know how I did it, but I survived. If there's a world record for Most Times Survived a T-Rex Attack while Driving a Delivery Truck award, it belongs to me now. I've done it once.
Mike called in the middle of the whole thing too! Asked me if a T-Rex was chasing me. What the hell, man? He didn't even sound phased when I responded by screaming incomprehensibly. He just told me to finish my deliveries and get out of there. I don't know what the hell I was thinking actually following throw with his orders, but I delivered it to every last stop. It's like I had some Worksmanship Honor Adrenaline Rush going on or something. By god, I earned my pay today.
Mike threw in an extra five bucks to commend me for my efforts. Probably to shut me up too. He also promised he'd try and fix the problem and that I should take tomorrow off in the meantime. It sounded like he knew some people in the government used to this sort of thing, since he started going in on some high-tech stuff. Well, whatever, man. I just never want to go through that again.
Bought a large bag of Doritos with the money. Tasted like processed cheese powder, which is weird since I specifically got the Cool Ranch ones. Ah well.
Day 4: Mike Borland added a spoiler to my van.
I DON'T CALL THIS FIXING THE PROBLEM, MIKE.
Also, change my T-Rex Record to two, now.
Day 6: I don't think I've seen this much chaos and city destruction since I went to Angel Grove for my summer vacation.
T-Rex Attack Count: Something like 48 now? Beats me these days.
Day 8: Today, some asshole in a blue delivery van tried to steal my own delivery spots. I wasn't aware blazing rivalries came with the job (And their own respective T-Rex, apparently) but I also didn't read beyond the first two sentences in my contract either. I'm just now starting to wish I did. But it did prove to me that they drawn primarily to vans carrying junk food products. It concerns me greatly, this development.
Tomorrow is "Bring Your Daughter to Work" day at the company. I don't think it's a very good idea, but the wife is insisting. Show her a positive role model in action and all that. I can't say no to her, so I guess I'm stuck. Bleh.
Day 9: Look, I told her it wasn't a very good idea. Fortunately, we hid her in a pile of a competitor's brand chip supply, which the T-Rex refused to touch. I fear the Salt and Vinegar Chip smell may never leave my daughter for the rest of her natural life.
Also, now the T-Rex has armor plating
? Fuck, man. Know what? I don't care. I blame PETA.
Day 13: Beginning to suspect Mike Borland is playing both sides for his own gains. When I went to my vehicle, there were these tiny little cybernetic claws on each side where the rear view mirrors used to be. I pointed them out to him and he just laughed it off. Said it was an office prank. Last I checked, office pranks did not claw the sides off the van in an effort to get into the contents. By this point, I've learned just to stop asking questions.
At least turbo boosting is fun.
Day 17: Tried to get my old job back at Toyota. Wasn't there anymore. Suspect T-Rex had something to do with it, much like rest of city.
You know, thinking back on it, it wasn't so bad. I shot robots in the face all day. Let me repeat that. I SHOT ROBOTS IN THE FACE. ALL DAY. ... Well, it would have been all day if it wasn't for the fact I got bored of the job within five minutes. Who sleeps at the wheel in an awesome half-pipe? I do, apparently. So did everyone else who got the job after me, too, so I hear.
Sighhhh. BRB. T-Rex chasing me. I think this one has cybernetic arms on it. HMMMM.
Day 18: I now know too much. It was all before my eyes and I was far too blind to see the reality veiled behind the madness. Mike Borland knows all. Mike Borland controls all. He has all this time and we never knew. Mike Borland is the alpha and the omega and he wields a future vision fueled by nothing more than sheer EXTREME. He will climb to the top of our corpses and sit in his throne made from his chips and our blood. He will rule and WE WILL DESPAIR.
... Oh god. It found me. I don't know how, but it found me. Run for it, Internet!
I HATE YOU, MIKE BORLAND. I. HATE. YOUUUUU--
Day ??: Geezus Christ, this dino's stomach is DISGUSTING.. What has he been eating
... Oh. ... Wait. ... Yeah.
AFK, being digested.
[With apologies to the real Mike Borland, who is probably a nice dude. Unless this is his diabolical plan all along. In that case, I would like to be dragged to my grave screaming "I WAS RIGHT! I. WAS. RIGGHHHT"]
[Also, Dash of Destruction is pretty okay for being pretty free.] read