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12:55 PM on 09.25.2007

Sick joke: clean in words, not in concept, super "don't visit the fourms much" edition

[yes, i know the 'editions' crap is old, but it makes me happy so deal with it. [: ]

i've been working on finding sick jokes ever since i heard the current 'winner' told to me. i posted this in the forums earlier, but wanted to put it on my blog for several reasons. first, i don't frequent the forums as much as i look through the blogs and the main site. i figure there are more like me so this way more people can enjoy it. second, i'm still looking for sicker jokes. the aristocrats doesn't count because it is too free form to pin down. sure dead baby jokes are pretty sick, but they still don't have quite the umph that the two jokes below have.

warning: these two jokes create some very disturbing mental pictures/concepts. i've already gotten one person today so consider yourselves warned. and on that note, Enjoy! [:

first the runner up, this is one competed with what i feel to be the worst and came in a very close second. **comment corner**[it is copied from another forum {didn't feel like typing it all out again} so it is a little cleaned up but you will get the point.]

A guy walks into a brothel going in to try and enjoy a few moments with one of the ladies. he walks up to a small window where a man is sitting. the guy walks up to the window and explains his situation to the proprietor of this brothel. "I was wondering if you could help me, I am in great need of the company of one of your ladies, but i only have $7 to my name. Is there anything you can do to help me?" the owner looks a little confused and a little aggravated for a minute then he shakes the look from his face and says "let me see what i can do" He gets out of the little room and walks down to the end of a hall. he returns a few minutes later and takes the man's money. he tells him "go down that hall way, go into the last door on the right, but don't turn the light on." the man figures that he must have put him with a real dog so he figured for his money he would just go about his business per the instructions of the owner. he walks back to room opens the door and walks in, closing the door behind him. As his eyes adjust just a little he sees the silhouette of a womens body on the bed. he begins to undress and work himself towards the women on the bed. he works his way up to her and all his pent up hormones get the best of him and he just goes right into it. he's got her legs up over his shoulders while he is just going to town like a wild animal. Finally he gets his release and he collapses over the women with much satisfaction. feeling quite proud of himself and macho, he tells the women she was a great shag and he might have to come back to see her again. he puts his cloths back on and just as he is closing the door behind him to leave he turns and notices that there is a glimmer under the woman's eyes, like she was crying. he closes the door and figures he should maybe mention this to the owner; i mean, a crying prostitute is bad for business. he walks out to the window and thanks the owner for his services and informs him about the women in the room. the owner thanks the man and the man turns to walk out the door.

just after he turns he hears the owner yell to the back.... "hey larry, i think the one in room 4 is full again"

now for the one that is my favorite:

I don't remember where i heard this, but it has been grossing out listeners for many years now. it takes a second at the end to understand, but then it hits you like a brick wall. [also, again, i'm cleaning it up. if you heard me say this joke in person it would be much more graphic. although my cleaned up versions do add a bit of shock to the jokes.] you have been warned, even cleaned up it is really gross, but i couldn't stop laughing/wanting to puke.

A guy walks into a brothel in much need of attention from a lady. he walks up to the madam and explains his situation. "Good evening. I would like to spend a little time with one of your ladies, but my problem you see is i only have $5 to my name. is there anything you can do to help me?" The madam looks at him for a second in thought and says "Sure." she snatches the money from his hand and says, "go down the hallway and go into room six."

The man walks down the hallway and enters the room, inside he finds a women that is old enough to his grandmother. He shakes that thought from his mind as he is too horny to really care. He needs some relief! he starts talking to the woman and she is putting on her best act for him trying to make him feel comfortable. he quickly ignores all the issues in his head and begins to play it smooth with the woman. He finally gets her on the bed with her legs in the air. he works his way into position and puts his 'member' inside her. He gets it half way in and realizes it feels like broken glass. like someone broke a twelve pack up and put it inside this women. he instantly withdraws and tries to nicely explain what he just felt. the old woman says, well you just stand there for a second and let me see what i can do. she spreads her legs and lets her fingers go to work. she puts on quite a show for the man and gets him completely interested again. she finally says, "ok, give it another go cowboy." He gets back on top of her and puts his 'member' inside her. This time, though, he is surprised to find that what once felt like broken glass felt like the softest, warmest thing he had ever laid into [pun?] he completely forgets what had shocked him a few moments ago and he gives this woman the most vigorous and energetic performance he had ever given. he finishes and slides off the top of her. he spends a couple of minutes regaining his composure while she lights up a cigarette.

he finally catches his breath and is compelled to ask about what just happened. he says, "wow, that was amazing, first it felt like broken glass, then you fingered yourself and afterwards it was the most amazing thing i've ever had the pleasure of 'spending time with'. what is your secret? what did you do to make it so wonderful?" She takes a drag off her cigarette, looks at him, smiles just the smallest bit and says, "Well once you break up all the scabs ...."   read

12:37 PM on 09.24.2007

Weng Weng Rap: if you haven't seen it stop by for a listen.

over the weekend a friend of mine showed me this hilarious video. I had never run across it here, so i figured i would share to the dtoid fam. enjoy! [:


i so need to find the original movie the video is from. it looks hilarious.

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11:58 AM on 09.24.2007

News To Me: Has anyone looked at the google interface language options?

if you haven't, i'll give you a look.

it worked out wonderfully that the few i wanted to point out were colored different because i had clicked on them. [the yiddish one doesn't fit my pattern, i just wanted to see what it looked like.]

I've made some links so you can check out a few quickly:
Bork, bork, bork
Elmer Fudd
Pig Latin

i think my two favorite are elmer fudd and pig latin.

if you have seen this before, tell me if you have gone to any of these more wacky front ends for your searching needs.

if you have seen this on here before and want to make fun of me for being tardy to the party, do so in the comments. i like comments. [:

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11:55 AM on 09.20.2007

I'm talking about Brain Games Again, but this time i brough real video! [:

well i managed to dump one of the vob files from the poor dvd copy that i have. i'm working on piecing together and converting the second part. even after converted the video [which runs almost 42 minutes long] was pretty big, so i had to upload it via google video. [man i hope it embeds like youtube stuff does]

what you will see is 1 complete episode and 2.5/5 parts of a second episode. the quality isn't great, and the original video source had some errors, but you can enjoy at least a sample of the great show that is Brain Games

enjoy! [:
and fully enjoy, clicking through to the google site will yield a bigger picture.

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4:48 PM on 09.19.2007

Remember "Brain Games"? A series of educational shorts on HBO

When i was a young lad, we had cable. [had it from birth till 5 then never lived in a house with cable until i was 20]

i use to love fraggle rock and my mother would tape it for me. watching back at those tapes [something i haven't done in ages] i was delighted that she had managed to capture a few episodes of Brain Games

this is the only video youtube has that relates to the show i'm talking about.

that sample doesn't do it justice. *tear*

i haven't checked in a decade, but i'm not sure just how good the vhs copies i used to own will still be. i was able to find an ebay auction a year or 2 ago were a guy was selling vhs to dvd transfers of the show. i only paid a few bucks, so i wasn't really mad, but it only contains 3 episodes of the series, plus it has an error in the image so it doesn't play all the way through.

I want someone else to remember this wonderful show and hopefully have a copy of some/all of these shows. i want to get a dvd transfer of the shows together so they can be preserved. there isn't much info about the show at all [hell it doesn't have a wikipedia entry] and i've even tried contacting HBO [which was no help]

yes, this is me begging. i know my blog doesn't get read much, but start asking around about this show, i want to get something together so others can enjoy the show.

[in the spirit]

"Brain games...... is now..... *sob* over."   read

12:30 PM on 09.19.2007

People never cease to amaze me with their stupidity.

i work for a college helping students who are interested finding out information about the school through setting up meeting times to have them visit. most of my job is calling people to find out their interests and finding a time to have them visit.

well it is the time of the year that high school seniors are going to start looking for schools. I have nothing against high school kids, but they sometimes think they are funnier than they actually are.

my question, and what prompted this, is: why would you drive almost an hour to visit a school, bring two friends and a grandparent, then care so little about being here that you make jokes and don't do anything serious. don't get me wrong, i'm used to dealing with false phone number and misinformation. filling in fake information sounds funny on the starting end, and although it makes my job suck, it isn't a blatant waste of energy and time.

now don't get me wrong, when i was a senior i was more worried about finishing my senior year than i was looking into colleges. i wouldn't have agreed to meet with someone under the pretense of getting college information then actually showing up then acting like i couldn't understand words with more than 5 letters or that how hot the girls and how many vending machines are offered. i mean, i'm a man who appreciates humor, but why waste your time unless you are getting something out of it. i mean, unless he was coming to town anyway [going to the mall seems a bit lite] what point was it for them to show up?

on the up side. i have no interest in talking or sending him any information, so he doesn't have to get a bunch of phone calls from me.

its a good thing i was out numbered, i probably would have gotten fired.

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3:36 PM on 09.18.2007

My review of Pixel Junk Racers :: "I got nothing for the title" Edition

i am going to do something different that what i normally do. i'm going to give you the short answer up front.

I Like It Alot but i don't love it. [that is just one step down from loving it so i am actually giving it a pretty good score]

now to explain.... [oh and fyi, i suck at writing reviews]

pixel junk racers is a beautiful game but it should be as it doesn't have a lot going on. speed and control are its weapons of choice and it definitely lets you know that fact as it changes around your objectives each race.

now i have a 55" 1080p tv so i have no problem enjoying what graphics this game give out. thinking about it now, if you have a smallish tv, i'm not sure how the tracks and fast moving cars will translate. Take that into your own consideration. [read= things could get pretty small, but i don't really know] [I might hook it up to a 13" just to see how it looks. i'll update if i get around to it]

the game is basically slot cars on a track, but you can control movement side to side as well as control the throttle. I like slot cars so this concept got me interested. another thing i like is games that help tune visual and reflex acuity. sure i make it sound more like work, but lots of games rely on these things so i was excited when i played the demo and saw how they combined the slot car mechanics into a very entrancing racer/quasi-puzzler.

the first solo race you get into [if you choose the obvious first choice] shows you right from the start that speed isn't everything. you are first challenged to maintain speed and lane control in an effort to destroy pace cars. the next race shows you the mechanics of avoiding traffic for speed increases. they mix it up later allowing you to destroy cars for speed increases in one race then forcing you to avoid faster traffic that can destroy you in another. that really took me for a loop the first couple of seconds i played it. i was so used to looking ahead of my car to see who i was going to hit, that now looking behind my car as well made things a real challenge. i learned quickly, but that doesn't mean it got any easier.

Lots of cars moving around the levels help to create a sense of tension that really helped draw me in. i'm not putting this game on the same level of REZ but i will say i haven't been as blatantly sucked into paying attention since that game.

one of my favorite things is really the most transparent. not since i last played games in cart form have i seen such lack of load screens. i would quit out of a race series and be right back at the race screen. i mean the most waiting you will do is the initial load [which button presses can cut short] and the countdown timer to each race [and even that isn't terrible] for a small hdd based game i would have expected such response and it certainly delivers.

the multiplayer aspect is the only real down side as there is no online based competitive racing structure. there is score mode where you basically complete tasks that are completed in the single player mode for time or points and they are put in a leader board system. Fun to compete, but it would be great to race a group of people in such a fast paced environment. [I'm pretty sure speed is what kept networked online mulitplayer out of the game] All that being said, i believe you can race friends on the same console. I have yet to test it out, so i can't really say much about it.

many people have hated on this game for its simplicity and lack of halo-esque media hype, but i found it to be well worth the $7 price tag. decent looks [for what it is], good game play depth that is a real challenge, and replay value that i personally have trouble finding in many of today's games make this something fun.

if your game must have blood, guns, cg cut scenes, super deep story lines, highly imitatable actions/characters, this probably isn't your bag. but there is a demo that allows you to see alot of what i have talked about so go try it for yourself. if you have any classic game memories you will probably find a good bit of fun from this game.

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6:43 PM on 09.06.2007

personal note time.

about 2 weeks ago my favorite, personally owned, car of all time had a main structural piece rust through. i tried for a week to find a replacement piece, but finding anything that major for a 1988 honda civic WAGON 4WD is a little hard. i have since given up on trying to salvage it [even though it has a full tank of gas.]

Me and that car go way back. it was my third car and i bought it when it had 125,000 miles on it. i drove it to Canada a couple of times, i popped the seals on all 4 tires going around a 90 degree turn at 50 miles an hour, i've gotten in and our of more sticky situations than i can count, and i've even gotten it's 1.6l power train up to 115mph. I mean the car was a 5spd with 1 extra gear named SUPER LOW!! the gears top speed was 12 mph!! [read as 'bad ass'] that things was a beast and did everything i asked without question or hesitation. well i got another car and it eventually went to my brother at 180,000 miles. he drove it till it hit 200,000 and then i got it back because my previous car bought the farm. me and my fiance have been driving it around like it was stolen ever since. that is until 2 weeks ago.

may it Rest In Peace.

well now $5800 poorer, me and my fiance have a newer car. a 1998 civic ex. my dad had a 4 door dx, one of my best friends has a similar model to the one we bought. They are solid cars. Still i hate spending money.

that is all for now, i said what i wanted to say. i wanted to say more, but i'm leaving work now, and i've got demo's to download. have a good night everyone. [:

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5:57 PM on 09.06.2007

The Wachoski Brothers No Longer Brothers.

They are brother and sister!

This isn't totally game news, but it was news to me, and they were in the news just a few days ago. i'm not much to pay attention to celebrity blogs, but this one makes me laugh so i catch it from time to time.

I want to be......well, among those wishing them both luck for the future. [:

[oh and if someone else posted this, i'm sorry in advance. i looked but didn't see it. but my looking skills aren't the best as i couldn't figure out a way to search the Cblogs.]

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8:27 PM on 09.02.2007

God Of War Banner Entry : inquire within.....

Finally it has been finished. With the wonderful help of my fiance's brother I have a God Of War themed banner to add to the contest. My only question goes out to the head robot and his minions: does it count? post in the comments so I know that it meets certification. Oh and if i win "benji" gets the ps3. he doesn't have one yet and would love to have one.

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11:53 AM on 08.23.2007

Pandora Battery: or how the PSP was Won

Read here, courtesy of DCEMU, about how all bricked psp's can now be fixed, as well as downgraded. i'll write up more later if i need to, but go check it out! big news indeed [:   read

5:17 PM on 08.22.2007

Have woman make sexy time out of your ip address. [sorry for the Borat reference]

today on Gizmodo i read about this web site that is setup so that you can have a female voice read off your ip address.

i'm a connoisseur, if you will, of adult content and even i am confused by this. i mean it almost seems like they are abusing the privilege that is "sex sells" [mostly because they aren't actually selling anything]

It doesn't do anything for me, but if you like having your digits read off in orgasmic bursts, you've got something to fap to tonight.

[maybe they will make one for phone numbers next. yeah, i could see this quickly replacing the bland, "you have reached..." voicemails we sometimes hear today. granted if you are a guy it will probably just guarantee that even your mom won't call your number, but if you are a girl... well i see you becoming more popular than your man-attract-oid-sacks already make you.]   read

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