how do i follow up that title?

hell i don't know. all of it is true. tonight i 'm going to rant about things that are not video game related.

this community is the greatest in the world. it is nice that i don't have alot of people who read my blog. that way less people have to deal with what my brain has to say.

tonight i found out my ex fianceis officially dating a new guy. we still live together, we are still good friends [i think] but part of me is still a little hurt. i don't know why. this is the story of my life. yeah yeah yeah, self fulfilling prophecy's and all. again part of my life. life is rough, i should have learned that better the first 18 years of my life. no, i'am not 18. one of these days i might be happy, but you know what, i won't know the difference. again that is me. i have had my chance, i have had it all, i let it pass like a fool. the day begins just like it ends confusion laced with and a mixture of love and hate.

love is but something you rent, something you don't have anymore. i was born in the wrong age, or maybe i would have a different perception of what is real. people think that absolution exists, but i personally don't believe it. i can't play games anymore which is probably the greatest tragedy of it all. this will pass. it happened once, it happened twice, i don't want it to happen again. maybe i should be a priest. i'm catholic and i don't like males. i should do well and keep from the lawsuits. [:

thanks for letting me vent. i'm sorry if you have made it this far.

the expansion of the communication age has created something that the human mind was not ready for. still it prevails, which still keeps it as the most complex thing ever conceived. the thought of multiple dimension and the abstract concept of worlds beyond are clouded by the sanity that the world thinks you should have.

if you think you are crazy. you probably are, but at the same time there is nothing wrong that. crazy is what makes the world spin. people thinking differently is what makes the world an exciting endeavor. sadly, some are really too crazy for prime time. you have to accept this. i'm not to crazy, but i know what it is like to be lost in a world that you can't control.

you play games, you wait for games. like me you have something to get away from. once i thought that life was about living, which it still is. sadly hiding from life is just easier. people who hide from life don't really seem to understand everything, but they are doing what works. i hide. i tell myself what i want to believe. reality is what you make of it, and i have contoured reality so much, i don't know what to believe. that works for me. if you struggle to understand life, don't worry, no one has ever figured it out. figuring out women is left to a joke:

a guy is walking down the beach as he stumbles upon a corroded old lamp. he cleans it off and frees a genie. the genie is so greatfull that he offers him one wish. the guy thinks and says, i have always wanted to visit hawaii, but sadly i am afraid of flying and boats. please build me a bridge so i can drive to hawaii and see what it is like. the genie thinks for a second and says, i'm not sure i can do that. building all that road would cause a great impact on the worlds resources as well as a push on the limits of my genie power. i can't do that for fear of destroying all that i am. do you have any other wishes? the guy thinks about it for a second and says, "there is something else". the genie says, "what is it. just name it." "i want to understand women." without hesitation the genie says, "do you want concrete or blacktop for you bridge."

if you didn't understand that, you are lucky. very lucky. I should have taken all my crazy mother taught me growing up. women are crazy. sorry ladies, as henry rollins once said, "men are idiots, and women are evil" so true. i told my mom the other day how i was surprised how her super craziness didn't drive me to be gay. sadly for her, as much as living with her convinced me otherwise, i still like women too much.

god, i am glad.... glad that no one will really understand me. i will never understand me and that is actually a good thing. sure this sounds like the same old shit that comes from someone drunk and at an end. sure. i'll accept it. i've never been normal. i've never been that good at much. i've been proven that time and time again. especially lately.

blah blah blah. i'm full of shit and it is how i am. self degrading and without an understanding of life. i've spent most of my life trying to understand life and the people in it. i thought i had a way out. i was wrong. like everything else in life, i'm only good at screwing things up. finish games..... ha! god of war and grand theft auto are all i've ever finished besides half life one. i get dragged into movies more than any normal person should.

i know i won't find it again. and even if i did, i would end up screwing it up so well that i would be right back here posting on this blog.

if you have made it this far, you totally earn some points. i would give you money if i had any to give.

the world of dune, and family guy dance in my head. the reality of life means so much, yet so little to me. karma is what proves its point, and i am reaping the punishment of karma as we speak.

i should probabaly stop. lucky for me, i don't have any one who tracks my blog. i would feel bad if i did this to someone who actually wanted to hear my speak. lately i haven't had time to add to my blog. i want to talk about games, but i don't have the drive. even gtaiv doesn't really interest me considering how much i have had on my mind. no one here understand this, but i love grand theft auto. it is another world in which i can get away from things. sadly i haven't played it in months.

i probably shouldn't be watching mtv right now. but it creates this very colorful topping background for my ramblings.

i'm probably going to leave this up till i get back from indiana with my friend [ex] i'm glad i have some real, die hard friends from home that will hang by me no matter what. if they don't that is cool. i i understand as i wouldn't hang out with me either.

"thriller!!! thriller night!!!" sorry, i use to rent theat video from the library every week. i don't know why, but i love that song.

my brain has decicded that i have nothing left. i am left with nothing but what you see here. I hope youd don't hate me for this. i just needed someplace to vent. while the thunder and lightning rumbles around me i am left with nothing, which is just what i expect. one day i wil die. and sadly, i have accepted it. no one should have to accept death till they are 105. really!



thanks for this. thanks again for this. i am beyond help and that is comforting in itself. i never expect anyone to understand me after my life so far.


im worried that this willl be seen as some sort of call for help. i don't need help. i never need help. never! the keyboard strokes are nothing but dreams in the stars. people are without understanding and i have accepted this. i have a new lease on life and i'm sure i will fuck it up. yeah, i said fuck. fuck that. fuck this.. it doesn't matter. obscure refernces to doom 1 or dune. or fletch will never dig me out of this hole. yeah, this is terrible. god i hope no one reads this. really! this is nothing but a vent session as i feel anyone should be afforded.

next, the real confsion:

make steak feel like kite. people of respect have monkey's between their sheets. turltle power!!!! the stagnate lies of life have spread between the toast that is life. super mario knew his place. chase the princess no matter what that cost. killing is ok, if it makes the world a better place. love is a noose that strangles while it can, and blinds when it can't. people of today have no idea what is wrong or right. the world is full of lies and truth. sorting thought it is what makes life exciting.

ha, exciting. it is like life is boiled down to a finalist on american idol. simon would hate me. he would want to kill me in my sleep.

ok, break from the rant. why would mtv play flock of seagulls right when i'm typing away. even mtv hates me. ha, when mtv hates you, you have reached a plateau that no one wants to attain.

i am done.

go play grand theft auto 4. go play waht you want to play. feel happy because feeling happy is what life is all about. if you aren't happy, make your own happiness. if you don't think you can be happy..... don't believe it. you can be. someone out there, will make you happy if the internet has taught you anything, it should be that happiness is what you make of it. be happy. no matter what life throws at you. feel bad.. go ahead. but feel happy afterwards. if you still don't feel happy send me a message. i will astound you with confusion and mystery. if that doesn't help you realize how pleasurable life can be, then i haven't done my job.


yeah,

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