http://www.actionbutton.net/?p=495
By writing *cough*
Six thousand sixty-seven words.
Look, I've got a big epeen, but if I ever found myself blathering 500+ words of the fucking stomp mechanic in a game (no really, it's in there), I'd think it's time to put the viagra away. Christ, I think I'd rather read a dissertation on the merits of fruit in Pacman.
OLO I'M DEEP ABOUT VIDEOGAMES
I won't pretend to not pretend the mind behind the review isn't conforming himself to regular review standards. Except the part where he left out of the About page that every other paragraph tends to ramble more than a room full of geriatrics at an old folks home.
"
In Dead Space, you find the time-slowing down thing on the ground literally three feet away from a door that is opening and closing at roughly the speed of sound. Pick it up and someone tells you: “That’s a Stasis Module. You can use it to slow down time! Try using it on that fucking psychotic door right in front of you.” Then, a tutorial message pops up, telling you to aim your gun with the L bumper and shoot the Stasis Module with one of the face buttons. Then a second window tells you that this is the only way to slow down this door. Try walking through the door, and your character gets cut in half. Okay. Use the Stasis Module, and the door slows down. Now you can walk through it.
Up the stairs and down the hall, there’s a “puzzle”. A computer panel tells you to “manually attach the arms to initiate repair”. Okay. You press the lever on the left side of the room. One of the arms shoots out and connects to something. Press the lever on the other side of the room (look out for the monster lurking in the shadows!) and the second arm shoots out, grabs a thing, and then shoots back a second later. You have to touch the computer panel while the second arm is attached."
What the fuck is this, a Myst Let's Play?
"
Have you thought of the solution? Of course, you have to shoot the second arm with your Stasis Module and then press the lever; it’ll now take ten seconds to get to the Thing it needs to repair. You can enjoy a little walk up to the panel."
Nevermind. Apparently this man was looking for the game to smother his balls in molasses. Nothing to see here. Really, I'm not just cherry picking excerpts, look through that shit. Gaudy. Get to the point you muppet, no one cares you think you know more than people you wish you were in the industry.
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"I won't pretend to not pretend the mind behind the review isn't conforming himself to regular review standards"
is there a typo somewhere in there? Are you trying to mock the style of the review?
Anyhow I read like half of this and he makes a lot of good points. This game was big time overrated, I thought I was going to love it but it just wasn't fun for exactly the reasons the reviewer points out. Perhaps he choose to write it like this, to parallel how dead space devs choose style over substance? My head hurts just thinking about the game and this review.
Btw check out the Soul Calibur 4 review, it also received one star. The main reason the reviewer gives for this is that people are sore losers on Xbox live. I think this website is a perfect example of how subjective reviews are, and they probably shouldn't be trusted...the end
you probably shouldn't thrust this site.
"The evidence of this is that you are able to stomp corpses, by pressing the R trigger. Usually in an Xbox 360 game, the R trigger fires your gun. In Dead Space, you have a gun. The game designers of Dead Space obviously consider corpse-stomping more important than gun-firing."
What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's playing it wrong, right?
Right? :(
Yeah he must of changed the controls or something at one point in the review he says aim is left bumper and shoot is right bumper. He has no idea what he is talking about.
"So yeah, this is a videogame. It takes place in a ruined environment that once housed human life (BioShock), features an over-the-shoulder third-person camera perspective (Resident Evil 4, Gears of War), a hero wearing a power suit complete with a helmet (Metroid), a gravity / telekinesis gun (System Shock 2, Half-Life 2, Psi-Ops, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed), slow-moving grotesque monsters (Resident Evil) who happen to be aliens (Gears of War), bleeds in back-story snippets via “Audio Logs” recovered from kleptomaniacally scouring the environment (BioShock), and frequently asks players to solve puzzles (Zelda, Metroid) to advance. Eventually, the bad guy is revealed to be a poster Muslim (Fox News), and the walls start growing flesh, hair, and teeth (Silent Hill). Atop this heap of identitylessness Dead Space drops"
Hey guys did you know Dead Space is a 3rd person shooter so it's ripping off Gears of War? The main character is also wearing a space suit so it rips off Metroid. It also has zombie like creatures so it rips off Resident Evil. Finally it has puzzles so it rips of Zelda and Metroid.
Now I'm not saying Dead Space is the most original game ever but come on... Claiming it's a Gears of War clone because it's a 3rd person shooter? Who is this asshole? Does he also know it's a game? That apparently means it ripped off every other game before it.
This asshole even bitched about the face that Issac has a kinetic module to move objects but the game never explains why... Maybe it's because ISSAC IS A FUCKING ENGINEER YOU TARD. They make it clear from the beginning of the game. He's not in fucking combat armor. He doesn't have an arsenal of weapons as soon as the game starts. His first weapon is a god damn tool.
Also god forbid the game has a fucking tutorial. Really what the fuck does he expect? No tutorial? I'm pretty sure he'd bitch about that even more.
What's even worse are the comments. There are people who agree with this douche bag? Really? At least they're a fucking minority sitting in their basements circle jerking each other off. Dead Space sold well and most people I've talked to really enjoyed it. At worst I've heard complaints about how the environment doesn't really look like a place anyone would live. Fair enough but it doesn't kill the experience.
It's no Resident Evil 4 but it's still a good game and a blast to play. It kept me glued to it till I finished it. Hell it's one of the best games EA has published in years.
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