You see what people don’t realize is that beat-em ups are more than just a dying genre, they are the most many games, the videogame equivalent of sex. If we all realized this sooner, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a dead genre. The following is evidence:

They’re all about violent thrusts
This is what makes it the most obvious. The genre at its core is all about violent thrusting, and all real men know that’s what makes sex good. A good violent thrust is the most essential technique in bring pleasure to a mate. Beat-em ups are all about violent thrusting, be it punches, kicks, or shoving a 2x4 down opponent’s throats.

Repetitive actions
Some say that beat-em ups are dying because they are all repetitive and by nature that will tire itself out. Well those people are wrong. All good things are worth doing multiple times. That is why we have genres and videogames. And there is nothing more satisfying than violently, and repeatedly thrusting. Anyone who has actually gotten laid can attest to that.

Timing and control
Again, the subtle art of bringing a partner to a climax requires careful timing and control. Varying the degrees of pleasure, speed, and location. Beat-em ups require the careful timing of thrusting punches and kicks, and control of the crowd. Sounding similar yet? You bet it is.

Tons of phallic symbols
This is the final and most undeniable evidence. We all know that many weapons are nothing more than phallic extending symbols. Swords, pipes, bats, guns, hell even a 2x4. I mean come on, it’s a freakin piece of WOOD! And guess what games prominently feature all of these? That’s right, beat-em ups! Beat-em ups give you all these phallic extending weapons and let you violently thrust and throw them at your opponents. Again, and again, and again….

On the other hand…this could make beat-em ups some of the gayest games ever. I mean, a whole bunch of guys waving phallic symbols at each other and smacking each other around with them? Yea that’s pretty gay. That would make the ‘90’s Alien Vs. Predator arcade game the gayest of them all. Because as Jim Sterling points out in the his “How Aliens are Blatantly Better than Predators” article, Aliens are giant phallic symbols, and you beating hordes of them with your violent phallic extensions only makes it gayer. Pretty much a giant cock slapping contest.



Oh yea, this also makes all first person shooters gay. A bunch of guys waving around their penis extension guns and shooting them at each other? Very gay. That’s right, Modern Warfare and Halo are gay.