This past Wednesday I saw a preview screening of the upcoming Will Smith disaster Seven Pounds (due out in December if there is no goodness or justice in the world). It's not video game related at all (except that any video game is better than this garbage, even Daikatana and Eternity's Child), but I am compelled to keep as many people away from this pile of crap as I can.

So here's the review. Please, please, PLEASE, do NOT see this movie under ANY circumstances if/when it is ever released.



What makes a great game^Wmovie review? Is it thoughtful analysis of the themes and meaning behind the game^Wmovie? Is it a detailed list of flaws and successes in mechanics and presentation?

Of course not! It's the freaking SCORE!

So here it is, The Score Whore Ultimate Review of Seven Pounds, hopefully never in a theater anywhere near you.

Graphics: -10
Sound: -10
Gameplay: -10
Fun: -10
Overall: -10*
Place on the Top 5 Worst Movies of All Time: #1

* Scoring is on a scale of -10 to 11, because some games^Wmovies are Eternity's Child^W^WSeven Pounds and some games^Wmovies are almost as good as Super Mario World, respectively.

What makes a great game review? Is it thoughtful analysis of the themes and meaning behind the game? Is it a detailed list of flaws and successes in mechanics and presentation?

Of course not! It's the freaking SCORE!

So here it is, The Score Whore Ultimate Review of Lost: Via Domus for PLAYSTATION 3.

Graphics: 4
Sound: 5
Gameplay: 3
Fun: 2
Overall: 2*
For Lost Fans: 5

* Scoring is on a scale of 0 to 11, because some games are Eternity's Child and some games are Super Mario World, respectively.

What makes a great game review controversy review? Is it thoughtful analysis of the analysis of the game? Is it a list of grammatical and stylistic flaws? Is it a summary of the flamebait, trolling, whining, and truth?

Of course not! It's the freaking SCORE!

So here it is, The Score Whore Ultimate Review of The Eternity's Child Review Controversy exclusively at Destructoid.com.

Initial Reviews: 11
Comment Count: 10
CBlog Follow-Ups: 11
Fuck Yous: 10
Entertainment Value: 11
Overall: 11*

* Scoring is on a scale of 0 to 11, because some controversies REALLY suck and some controversies are also cocks.

What makes a great game review? Is it thoughtful analysis of the themes and meaning behind the game? Is it a detailed list of flaws and successes in mechanics and presentation?

Of course not! It's the freaking SCORE!

So here it is, The Score Whore Ultimate Review of LostWinds for WiiWare.

Graphics: 9
Sound: 8
Gameplay: 8
Fun: 9
Overall: 9*

* Scoring is on a scale of 0 to 11, because some games REALLY suck and some games are Super Mario World.

What makes a great game review? Is it thoughtful analysis of the themes and meaning behind the game? Is it a detailed list of flaws and successes in mechanics and presentation?

Of course not! It's the freaking SCORE!

So here it is, The Score Whore Ultimate Review of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King for WiiWare.

Graphics: 5
Sound: 6
Gameplay: 7
Fun: 9
Overall: 8*

Special Bonus:

As an extra awesome treat for all you readers (those are disdainful, disgusted italics btw) I am providing you with a written review of the two qualities that truly make a great game great: SOUND & PACKAGING, BABY!

Sound: Unfortunately there isn't much to the sound package on this one. The usual menu sounds are serviceable but won't blow you away, though the ringing in the remote when you summon your nerdy assistant Chime is always a crowd pleaser. The background music is pretty nice but it never changes and gets kind of repetitive. It won't wow your ears but it won't make you mute the TV either. Verdict: cassette

Packaging: Since this is a WiiWare title there isn't really packaging, just the Wii Channel screen. The art is fine here but it's no substitute for a cloth map, hard-bound art book/manual, or castle-themed lunch pale. Verdict: manila envelope

* Scoring is on a scale of 0 to 11, because some games REALLY suck and some games are Super Mario World.