Oh, 2007.... how I loathed thee. You will forever go down as the worst year in my gaming life. I completed, on my own, two, count 'em, MOTHERFUCKING TWO games this year. I will grant you, some of this is my own fault; but seeing as we have one HD tv for two active gamers, and the balls-and-chain "has" to suck up all our gaming time for his "job," it's tough to get a game in edgewise. I have seen the ending frames of many more games, but we play most of our games as a "team," or whatever, and that's about as satisfying as splitting a tic-tac. I long for the days of beating a final boss by myself at three o'clock in the morning, after a marathon nine-hour gaming session, glistening with a sheen of taco bell/peanut m&ms/peach snapple sweat, crowing in triumph over the dead body of that shit-fucking fox demon at the end of Otogi 2.

So here's how it's gonna be: the goddamned tv is mine. Mine. Super Smash Brothers Brawl is coming out and everyone is playing it? Fuck off. Wanna try out the controls for Devil May Cry 4? Go cry in a corner. Grand Theft Auto IV looks fun to you? Wait your freakin' turn. Oh, and the handhelds are mine too. Have to review Ninja Gaiden DS? Tough titties, I'm playin' it first. I can feel the maniacal laughter bubbling up as I type.....

While I'm at it, I'm quitting my job, the house cleaning is at an end, and you can forget about sex, mister. I've got a lot of missing thumb cramps to make up for. I'll let you go down on me while I play MGS IV.