Just wanted to quick post about this new show on Spike called The Deadliest Warrior. If you haven't seen it, definitely check it out, because this show is the tits.



Basically the show is about pitting two historical "warriors" against each other to see who would win. For example, the first week's episode was an Apache Indian against a Roman Gladiator. Sounds stupid at first, but if you're a history geek like I am, this show is incredibly addictive. Campy, macho banter aside, this show really does offer some kick ass information and tests of different types of historical weapons. Below is a video from the first ep. Go to about 7 minutes in and see a simulation of what an Indian Tomahawk would do to a person's skull. It's pretty bad ass.



Next week is a Samurai v. a Viking. Boom.

[FTS NOTE: Ok, so god damn fucking AD at the top of the page, which doesnt show in the pic, keeps expanding every time I roll over and I just wanted to mention how fucking irritating that is.]


[unless this is what is meant by a video game movie, I don't want to see it]


So yeah, this is going to be another rant about how Hollywood is ruining games and how the newly announced Shadow of the Colossus movie is going to blow harder than hammered didgeridoo-playing hooker during a breathalyzer test. And she's not blowing the breathalyzer, if you know what saying...she's blowing the cop.

Anyway! Extensive metaphors aside, I believe this SOC movie is a problem for the same reason I believed the Watchmen movie was a problem. I'll admit, some games would work well as movies. Others, not so much. SOC is one of the "other" games.



Like Watchmen to comics, SOC did something in the video game media that hasn't been done before and probably will never be executed as well ever again. [side note: i'm actually glad this movie was announced on a purely a journalistic level because i planned to write an blog about SOC anyway.] There are many things to love about SOC: the music, the atmosphere, the beautiful graphics (that are still incredible), the overall opened ended-ness of the story. Everything about it is so physical and engaging, it's hard not to get swept up in it's majesty. And dont get me wrong, it does have potential as a movie. However, I feel like this movie will just be thrown to the wayside and delivered with such lividity and haphazardness that it won't do SOC justice.



Now, I'm a firm believer that there hasn't really been an amazing video game movie made yet, and I'm also a firm believer there never will be. And I'm ok with that. I don't think making video games into movies is something that really needs to happen. Video games are cinematic enough and interactive enough that making them into a movie just betrays and simplifies the experience for people. Something gets lost in the translation from game to movie and leaves the movie feeling cheap or..well...this...or...this...or....well...this. (Although I have to admit, using Snap's "The Power" in the Super Mario Bros. trailer was pretty tight).

And this will happen with SOC. That game is so voluptuous and has such a jarring grandeur, translating it to the silver screen will be disingenuous no matter how it's made. Viewers won't feel the excitement of actually controlling Wander as he scales the tremendous colossi. They won't feel the awkward, uncomfortable mix of accomplishment and sympathy a player feels as they deliver the final fatal lunge from their sword and watch the behemoth-sized beast somberly stumble to its death. Perhaps with the right direction, this deviant experience can be delivered to some degree that it was in the game. But no one will be able to capture it like it is in the original format. It's just too extraordinary.



The other main problem about SOC being made into a movie is it's story. In the game, ambiguity and intrigue cloud the story of SOC, leaving much of it left in the players hands for interpretation. I LOVED this about the game. Forget the brilliant soundtrack, the thick mechanics, the absolute sheerness of the game. If there was one thing that burrowed that game into my heart, it was the nostalgic, simplistic storyline of: Here's your character, here's your sword, here's your horse, there's the enemy, GO! It was a call back to simpler days of gaming where we didn't need shallow plots or flashy gimmicks, we just needed a base story about love or hate or revenge, and we were happy. The game is about how far one will go for those they love, and nothing more. Fuck all the theories about the in's and out's of the game. When it comes down to it, it's simply about this lovestruck Romeo that needs to save his Juliet no matter what the cost. And THAT is what I love about the game. It's absoluteness. It's quaint, unquestionable certainty that this what you're doing, and this is why. And to make that into a movie will undoubtedly shed light on parts of the story that remain a mystery and ought to be left that way. Explaining who Wander really is or what really happens to him or how Mono died would just detract for the majesty of the game.



And I'm sure other fans think this way too and have ranted on their own blogs about it, but I think it needs to be reiterated over and over until people truly understand why making THIS game into a movie really and wholly is a bad choice. Let Jake Gyllenhaal run around pretending to be a Persian Prince that can stop time. Let Uwe Boll slowly annihilate every already shitty game in the market [except you sir, you went down like a champ]. I'm OK with another Doom being made or another Resident Evil being made because those games are well-known enough that people who have never even played the games understand that what they're watching is a really shitty representation of them. But for a game like SOC, it's too indie to made into a film. Like Watchmen, people wont appreciate the film version because they dont fully understand what is going on. And that is such a shame. Also like Watchmen, SOC is brilliant and timeless, and it will influence games long after it's fucktastic movie counterpart is made. So please, Hollywood, leave that game alone. Go revamp some shitty horror film from the 70's and let us have our beloved game.

Alright, so that title may be a bit disingenuous, but I'm a blogger on a gamer website, so I'm pretty sure being an insensitive biased prick is mandatory. Besides, anyone that finds that title offensive is dumber than a bag of hammers.



The idea of this post, if you couldn't tell from my very informative title, is about the current status of RPG's. Currently, RPGs suck. Of course there are exceptions (Odin Sphere, Grim Grimoire, Persona), but overall, RPGs have been stuck in the year 2003 for way too long. And when I say that, I mean the majority of RPG stories, looks, and gameplay really haven't advanced or changed since then. I remember rummaging through video game stores back when the PS1 was on its way out. I remember finding so many gems that RPG fans would only dream of (Tactics Ogre, Xenogears, Vandal Hearts, Vagrant Story, Star Ocean 2, Hoshigami, Saiyuki, Suikoden 2, Lunar).



But that really doesn't exist anymore. I know back then games were a lot cheaper to produce so developers weren't afraid to create a game that might not sell over a million copies. Today, though, since games are so expensive and so over-the-top, we don't really have those unknown, japanese rpgs with terrible translations and poor production value. Today we have something that, majority-wise, hasn't really changed or broken new grounds.

Today we have RPG's that are generally guaranteed to have 1 of 3 things:
1. Pretty, flashy, Animesque graphics.
2. A lame, uninspiring, unrewarding story.
3. Some stale, dated gameplay with a gimmick to make it look cooler than it actually is.



Of course, there are exceptions to this (lookin' at you), but overall, RPG's have fallen into this slump of banal, foppish-haired, over-the-topness that is just comes off shallow in the end. And it doesn't seem like it's going to stop. With games like Final Fantasy XIII, which looks like nothing new, and the new Kingdom Hearts, which looks like potential shit if I knew what the hell was going on, it seems this genre of games has drifted away from the originality and urgency it used to have.

But if I sound too harsh or too tactless, then just listen to this kid. He knows what I'm talking about.

I decided to take a break from my usual rants and riveter niche and post something everyone can enjoy.

It's just some hilarity from the Onion. Yet again, their genius is unparalleled.

[check it out here]



Also, I posted a video from them which is also just as awesome. It's a little old, but still just as good.



Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

Nintendo...what happened to you? You used to be cool. You used to be fun. You used to be this. Now you don't even get a port of SFIV. Now, you don't even release any good fighting games. Now...now you're releasing games called Let's Tap and Jelly Belly Ballistic Beans. Jelly...Belly...Ballistic...Beans. Just, I mean, like...really?

Kotaku posted an article [found here] early yesterday morning listed Nintendo's upcoming games...and jesus christ, this needs to stop. I realize that Nintendo has shifted gears and directed its aim towards the casual crowd, and I understand that it's given them a lot of headway in the video game industry. But they also did something that always kept the die-hard, oldschool, nintenboys happy. They released good games. Well, they used to anyway. Sure, not all of them were winners, but for every 10 shitty, poppy, crowd-pleasing games, there was one gem that made it worth having a Wii if you were a hardcore gamer. No More Heroes, Mario Galaxy, Twilight Princess, Prime 3, Brawl and so on. And I'll even include Mario Kart, even though it was a little bit of a crowd-pleaser.

I remember when the Wii first came out, I was surprised at how many of the heavy-hitting titles came out so suddenly. I mean, within two years, Nintendo seemed to throw every great franchise it had at us. It was like it was using both your Ultra Attack as well as your Special before you've even damaged the enemy (OK, I've been playing a lot of SFIV recently, so fuck you for the lame reference). I thought this tactic of pulling out all the stops when the Wii was first released was a bad plan, but now I feel like it was ingenious of Nintendo to do so.



By releasing the new Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Mario Kart, SS Bros, even Mario Party, games in only a couple years, Nintendo gained the attention of its hardcore crowd. I mean I know that's why I bought the Wii. It wasn't because I thought it was going to be a solid system. It was because by the time the Wii came out, Nintendo had already announced all its major titles and their release dates. If the Wii didn't have all those great games come out in the first few months of its release, I probably wouldn't have gotten one.


[I beat the shit out of this bitch in some Brawl.]

But I do have one. And now it sucks. As I scrolled down the list of games set to be released in the coming months, I felt like I was looking at games that were going to coming out on LeapFrog or some kids' interactive learning toy. It's a list littered with Disney-tie-ins, Movie-tie-ins, and other obviously child-aimed games. I mean, for christ's sake, there's a developer called MumboJumbo. What the fuck is a MumboJumbo and why are they being allowed to release a game called Crazy Chicken Star Karts in March? What the fuck Nintendo? What the fuck?

Stop being pansies, and go back to being this.

You once upheld such legendary titles like Ninja Gaiden, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy, Kung Fu, Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, Shadowrun, Secret of Evermore, Megaman, and so many others. Now? Now you're doing this shit.

Some would call it maturing. I just call it whoring yourself out to look good for the cool kids. You used to be a nerd, Nintendo. You used to talk about cartoons and eat lunch with the dorks and collect Magic Cards and wear over-sized clothing. You used to like comics and D&D and staying in on Fridays to play an RPG for 8 hours. But now you cut your hair and changed you clothes and suddenly like The Jonas Brothers. And to think I used to blow you to get you to work correctly. You're a whore, Nintendo...a dirty, dirty, whore.

This is in response to this article I found at GamePolitics.com.


[photo courtesy of torokun]

So, not to sound all snobby and elitist, but politicians are the fucking suck when it comes it video games. And I'm not taking sides on which party is more the fuck dumb because to me the only difference when it comes to video game regulations and politicians is the amount of bullshit being thrown at citizens. On the Democrats side we have newly elected Secretary of State Hilary "MAN-MEAT NOM-NOM" Clinton and newly denounced Ron Blaglagalovogovich speaking about the ills of video games. And on the Republican side we have Lacks A Job-son- I mean Sacks Lovesum-I mean Jack Thompson-I mean Stupid Douche Attorney That Won't Fuck the Shut Up. And of course, the Republicans have the man, the myth, the legend, Governor of California, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.


[image courtesy of my unparalleled skills in paint]

This past Friday the 9th Circuit Court has, again, rejected a statue proposed by the state of California to ban the selling of violent video games to minors. Now, while it is good that the court has struck down the appeal, there is still a potential shitshow amidst the situation. The Govenator still does have the power to bring this case the Supreme Court if he so chooses.

However, if that does happen, the chance of it being passed is still very low. There are a lot of things that the law would have to prove. Such as substantial government interest, which no appeal has been able to do yet. And since this isnt the first time a state has tried to pass an anti-violent video game law and failed, I doubt California will be any different. True, they do have this fucking guy as their Governor, but then again, they also have this fucking guy as their Governor. So I don't think he'll have that much influence.

Now, as a gamer and as a young adult, I understand why adults of past generations don't like video games. It's the same thing our parents' generation went through with movies and music. Back in the 60's and 70's, movies were breaking into taboo subjects that many older folks thought would corrupt and ruin the minds of the youngin's. In the early 90's we saw this same thing with the rap musics 'dem damn kids listen to. Today, it's video games. Now while Mortal Kombat and Doom were pretty prevalent in the advent of all this superfluous nonsense, the heavy stuff didnt come around until Mr. Bigshot GTA San Andreas had to be a show-off and have a hidden sex game. Fucking Rockstar...so damn wild....so damn talented. And since mainstream music today sounds like cats killing themselves while simultaneously scratching dinner plates with forks, and since film today is made up of nothing but rehashed versions of classics, video games became the central target for concerned mothers, politicians and fucking Scientologists. OK so maybe the last one doesn't really belong...but god damn it I hate that bullshit religion.



But Soccer Moms, Lawyers, Politicians, Scientologists...these people aren't the real problem here. No. The real problem and the cause for all this commotion is you, Michael...(OK so it's not really Michael's fault, I just thought it'd be really freaky for anyone reading this named Michael).

Anyway, my point is, the real problem are the young gamers of today. Today, the gaming community has expanded so much anyone ranging from the age of 10 to 40 are active. And I don't mind that. What I do mind is little Johnny Peepants bitchin' and moanin' to him Mom about the new BloodyFuck Fest FPS that's coming out on the 360 next week. So Mom, being the lovable woman she is, takes her bitchy son to the store to let him get it. And what does she see when the kids playing it later? This shit. I'm not saying little kids shouldn't be playing online, but I do think parents should just know what they're little angel is getting into before he starts crying and whining and cursing because he can't win any matches. It's situations like these that start the snowball effect that have the potential of ending at the Supreme Court.

So to all you youngin's out there just starting to play online, watch yourself. Because for every 12 year old gamer out there that's either being "pwned because he's a n00b" or "pwning n00bz" himself, there's a middle aged Mom that sees some vigilant, abrasive politician willing to fight for her "troubled little boy."



This graph is an accurate representation of how much Pwnage has increased as the popularity of online gaming has also increased. If this continues, the pwnage to noobs ratio will be so astronomically high, no court in the world will be able to stop it. Soccer Moms across the country will be livid with concern. If that happens, then may God help us all...