Nintendo...what happened to you? You used to be cool. You used to be fun. You used to be this. Now you don't even get a port of SFIV. Now, you don't even release any good fighting games. Now...now you're releasing games called Let's Tap and Jelly Belly Ballistic Beans. Jelly...Belly...Ballistic...Beans. Just, I mean, like...really?

Kotaku posted an article [found here] early yesterday morning listed Nintendo's upcoming games...and jesus christ, this needs to stop. I realize that Nintendo has shifted gears and directed its aim towards the casual crowd, and I understand that it's given them a lot of headway in the video game industry. But they also did something that always kept the die-hard, oldschool, nintenboys happy. They released good games. Well, they used to anyway. Sure, not all of them were winners, but for every 10 shitty, poppy, crowd-pleasing games, there was one gem that made it worth having a Wii if you were a hardcore gamer. No More Heroes, Mario Galaxy, Twilight Princess, Prime 3, Brawl and so on. And I'll even include Mario Kart, even though it was a little bit of a crowd-pleaser.

I remember when the Wii first came out, I was surprised at how many of the heavy-hitting titles came out so suddenly. I mean, within two years, Nintendo seemed to throw every great franchise it had at us. It was like it was using both your Ultra Attack as well as your Special before you've even damaged the enemy (OK, I've been playing a lot of SFIV recently, so fuck you for the lame reference). I thought this tactic of pulling out all the stops when the Wii was first released was a bad plan, but now I feel like it was ingenious of Nintendo to do so.



By releasing the new Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Mario Kart, SS Bros, even Mario Party, games in only a couple years, Nintendo gained the attention of its hardcore crowd. I mean I know that's why I bought the Wii. It wasn't because I thought it was going to be a solid system. It was because by the time the Wii came out, Nintendo had already announced all its major titles and their release dates. If the Wii didn't have all those great games come out in the first few months of its release, I probably wouldn't have gotten one.


[I beat the shit out of this bitch in some Brawl.]

But I do have one. And now it sucks. As I scrolled down the list of games set to be released in the coming months, I felt like I was looking at games that were going to coming out on LeapFrog or some kids' interactive learning toy. It's a list littered with Disney-tie-ins, Movie-tie-ins, and other obviously child-aimed games. I mean, for christ's sake, there's a developer called MumboJumbo. What the fuck is a MumboJumbo and why are they being allowed to release a game called Crazy Chicken Star Karts in March? What the fuck Nintendo? What the fuck?

Stop being pansies, and go back to being this.

You once upheld such legendary titles like Ninja Gaiden, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy, Kung Fu, Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, Shadowrun, Secret of Evermore, Megaman, and so many others. Now? Now you're doing this shit.

Some would call it maturing. I just call it whoring yourself out to look good for the cool kids. You used to be a nerd, Nintendo. You used to talk about cartoons and eat lunch with the dorks and collect Magic Cards and wear over-sized clothing. You used to like comics and D&D and staying in on Fridays to play an RPG for 8 hours. But now you cut your hair and changed you clothes and suddenly like The Jonas Brothers. And to think I used to blow you to get you to work correctly. You're a whore, Nintendo...a dirty, dirty, whore.