Luigi, the globally recognized Italian plumber and younger brother of the plumper, more well-known Mario, was arrested last night for possession of narcotics.

The Toad Police Squad has not yet confirmed what type of drugs Luigi was caught using, but those close to him suspect mushrooms. Many people have said he has been known to overuse both the growth-granting red mushrooms as well as the more dangerous poisonous purple mushrooms that can shrink or even kill the user.


Luigi (left) and Princess Peach (right) seen here a few years back, when things were more simple and made more sense.

After being taken to Mushroom Kingdom General Hospital where he was embarrassingly operated on by his studious older brother, Dr. Mario, Luigi was said to be lethargic and unresponsive to the medication of over-sized pills.

His aforementioned brother Mario, who is most well-known for his persistent prowess of saving Princes Peach from the would-be-pussy-excuse-for-a-final-boss Bowser, has also been recognized for starting his own go-kart racing league, traveling to space and participating in ever goddamn sport under the sun.

"Eetsa shame whata happened to my brother," Mario said after nursing Luigi, "He'sa always atryin' to be better than a-me, but you can't be better than a-me, I mean, eetsa-me, Mario!"

Newcomer to the Mushroom Kingdom family and shitty substitute for the much more voluptuous Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, was dating Luigi on and off before the arrest.

"That motherf**ker got what he f**king deserved," Daisy said during an interview with the media, "He's a peice of f**cking trash and I hope he dies."

Friends of the collapsing once-hero have said Luigi's need for drugs started when he felt unappreciated and ashamed that he wasn't as popular or cool as his big older brother.

"Oh yeah, Luigi has done some crazy shit in the past," Toad, a life-long friend, said. "During the original Super Smash Brother days he got so excited about the secret character spot that he got strung out on Stars before each fight, hence the hazed look in his eyes."


Luigi, seen here, coked out of his fucking mind before a Smash Bros match.

As well as dabbling in serious drugs to feel better for his overshadowed career, Luigi also developed a number of habits that many who know him call “odd as f*ck.” These include: a slightly homosexual demeanor, awkwardly desperate attempts to be in games (Super Mario Galaxy), and pathetic game concepts with Ghostbuster-knockoff gameplay.

Archrival and evil lookalike Waluigi is also disappointed in his foe.

“Look, I’m not saying he’s a waste of a person, but…well…um…,” he said. Waluigi also confessed that his name isn’t actually Waluigi and he is not the brother of the acclaimed glutton Wario. He instead was hired by Luigi so that he too could have a nemesis to battle, he said.

“I mean, for Christ’s sake, Waluigi? What the f*ck kinda stupid name is that,” he said. “Luigi actually thought that up, he thought he was so clever…what a dumbass.”

It seems this Johnny Chase of the video game world has given up on trying to establish himself as something more than just the brother of everyone’s favorite Italian plumber. It seems he has instead settled for cheap drug highs, bizarre cameos, and just an overall self-abnegating approach to life.

Luigi’s bail has been set at 300,000 coins.


Artists rendering of Luigi since he's been indisposed.