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4:10 PM on 02.23.2010

Speech Fighter


Street Fighter Cast seen here is a horrifying portrayal.

After more than twenty years of game appearances, the cast of the acclaimed Capcom gaming staple Street Fighter have decided they've had enough of their shitty one-liners.


Context!

In an act reminiscent of 2007's writer's strike, Ryu, Ken, Chun-Li and rest of the iconic gang have decided to rewrite the set of default pre-battle and post-battle dialogue blips they're contracted to say for each game.

"Shit's getting old man," Ryu said. "Who gives a shit about the 'fury of my dragon punch?' How about instead I say, 'Yo, cocklips, let's dance.' "

Ryu, left, seen here with post-Ark of Covenant viewer, Bison.

With Super Street Fighter 4 just around the bend, many characters feel it's time to bring some originality and flare to the gaming franchise.


Fat Abs.

Fatty-McFat Fat Abs, E. Honda, said he doesn't understand why the writers chose such shitty sayings for the characters when they win a battle.

"No shitting, Vega used to say 'Thank you for a gorgeous time' back in Street Fighter 2 Turbo. You get that? A gorgeous time," he said. "What in the shit? I mean...damn man."

Other characters are less concerned with their "Win-Battle" quotes and more worried about what they have to say when they lose.

"Most of the time we're told to jump up and give a thumbs up or some stupid-ass intimidating stance," Guile, hair-fashion consigliere, said. "I just wanna get up and be like, 'Really? Really Blanka? You cheap, green, Brazilian fuck.' "


Latino

Capcom President Kenzo Tsujimoto said he understands his characters' concerns and promised to iron out the kinks before the next games release.

However, shortly after making this vow Tsujimoto killed himself when he realized he was empathizing with fictional video game characters.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh--," he said.

While most characters are griping about the games shoddy script, one cast member has completely different set of qualms with the next game.

"Granny-panties," Sakura, pedophile bait, said. "Granny-mother-fucking-panties."   read


12:33 PM on 11.12.2009

5 Things That Should Be Animes

After learning Joss Whedon's Dollhouse was canceled, which I did enjoy despite my previous blog, I started wondering how the show could have been more of a success. My first answer: naked Eliza Dushku. Realizing that probably won't happen any time soon (or will it?), I came up with a second solution: Making it into an Anime.

Then I thought up 4 other geeky outlets I've come across that I believe would make good animes as well. Here we go.



1. Dollhouse: As I said, the show was very enjoyable. It had a solid premise, a great amount of potential and, most importantly, a cult following. With all of those ingredients, there is no reason the show wouldn't work as anime. I mean it already has a Ghost in the Shell vibe, so half of its work is cut out. And I feel like with an anime the writers would have an easier time transforming the characters into whatever role their supposed to play. Not to hark on Dushku's acting abilities...but I mean...



2. Stephen King's IT: I'm currently reading this book for the first time and all I can think as I read it is anime. Originally I thought it would be good as a miniseries, but the amount of time spent in characters heads and pasts would make it challenging to get all the best parts of the book across. An anime would work so well because it could really bring out the terror of IT. There was one part in particular with a bird, which I won't spoil it here, that continually made me think "anime." With all the kids in the story, an anime could do well to make their interactions and fear more genuine than any child actors could. Whenever I'm reading IT, I just imagine something along the lines of 20th Century Boys, which is very similar in design. And with Stephen King already breaking into the comic book world, there's no reason it wouldn't work as a cartoon.



3. Marvel's Spider Man: OK, while this may not seem obvious or plausible at first, let's look at the contents of the comic. Geeky protagonist that's lovable as well as a genius? Check. A sexy female love interest that's slutty but doesn't know it? Check. Fast-pace, kung-fu-esque fighting that involves swinging around rooftops? Check. A costume that slightly resembles established anime heroes? Check. From what I see, there is no reason this comic couldn't be made into a successful anime. And with an Iron Man anime and a Wolverine anime on the way, I'm pretty sure Spidey deserves one too. I mean we already lost an awesome CG version of the comic starring Neil Patrick Harris thanks to MTV, so how about we let another country handle this one? But if you're still unconvinced, watch this and tell me it doesn't look remotely cool.



4. Ender's Game: I read this book a little over a year ago, and it's fantastic. It's also perfect fodder for anime. Again we have children being badass, which always works well in anime. Think about it: Dragonball, Naruto, Pokemon, Full Metal Alchemist, One Piece, Gurren Lagann, Evangelion and so many others have young kids playing the leads, and it works. I think Ender's Game would work so well mainly because it's such a visual book that would transition well into a cartoon form. I mean, author Orson Scott Card has already written comics and is currently making one for Ender's Game, so it only makes sense to take the next step into the anime realm. I mean...seriously.



5. Xenogears: This one is mainly because I want this game to be redone, but I don't think it would work with today's graphics. I think this game would work better as an anime because it's story is so convoluted and rich, it would help alleviate some of the heaviness if it was spaced out over 50 or so episodes. This game needs to be redone in some way, shape or form. It deserves it. It is a cult classic which means it's a gold mine for an anime company. I guarantee if Aniplex or Funimation or someone announced this game was being made into a show, it would annihilate any other competition out there. The only other game I can think of that also deserves this treatment is you sir, but I suspect you're second wind is still in development...or was.   read


10:38 AM on 06.24.2009

Down the Tubes: The Luigi Story



Luigi, the globally recognized Italian plumber and younger brother of the more well-known Mario, was arrested last night for possession of narcotics.

The Toad Police Squad has not yet confirmed what type of drugs Luigi was caught using, but those close to him suspect mushrooms. Many people have said he has been known to overuse both the growth-granting red mushrooms as well as the more dangerous poisonous purple mushrooms that can shrink or even kill the user.


Luigi (left) and Princess Peach (right) seen here a few years back, when things were more simple and made more sense.

After being taken to Mushroom Kingdom General Hospital where he was embarrassingly operated on by his studious older brother, Dr. Mario, Luigi was said to be lethargic and unresponsive to the medication of over-sized pills.

His aforementioned brother Mario, who is most well-known for his persistent prowess of saving Princes Peach from the would-be-pussy-excuse-for-a-final-boss Bowser, has also been recognized for starting his own go-kart racing league, traveling to space and participating in ever goddamn sport under the sun.

"Eetsa shame whata happened to my brother," Mario said after nursing Luigi, "He'sa always atryin' to be better than a-me, but you can't be better than a-me, I mean, eetsa-me, Mario!"

Newcomer to the Mushroom Kingdom family and shitty substitute for the much more voluptuous Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, was dating Luigi on and off before the arrest.

"That motherf**ker got what he f**king deserved," Daisy said during an interview with the media, "He's a peice of f**cking trash and I hope he dies."

Friends of the collapsing once-hero have said Luigi's need for drugs started when he felt unappreciated and ashamed that he wasn't as popular or cool as his big older brother.

"Oh yeah, Luigi has done some crazy shit in the past," Toad, a life-long friend, said. "During the original Super Smash Brother days he got so excited about the secret character spot that he got strung out on Stars before each fight, hence the hazed look in his eyes."


Luigi, seen here, coked out of his fucking mind before a Smash Bros match.

As well as dabbling in serious drugs to feel better for his overshadowed career, Luigi also developed a number of habits that many who know him call “odd as f*ck.” These include: a slightly homosexual demeanor, awkwardly desperate attempts to be in games (Super Mario Galaxy), and pathetic game concepts with Ghostbuster-knockoff gameplay.

Archrival and evil lookalike Waluigi is also disappointed in his foe.

“Look, I’m not saying he’s a waste of a person, but…well…um…,” he said. Waluigi also confessed that his name isn’t actually Waluigi and he is not the brother of the acclaimed glutton Wario. He instead was hired by Luigi so that he too could have a nemesis to battle, he said.

“I mean, for Christ’s sake, Waluigi? What the f*ck kinda stupid name is that,” he said. “Luigi actually thought that up, he thought he was so clever…what a dumbass.”

It seems this Johnny Chase of the video game world has given up on trying to establish himself as something more than just the brother of everyone’s favorite Italian plumber. It seems he has instead settled for cheap drug highs, bizarre cameos, and just an overall self-abnegating approach to life.

Luigi’s bail has been set at 300,000 coins.


Artists rendering of Luigi since he's been indisposed.   read


4:18 PM on 06.16.2009

O.M.G. E.G.M.

So today I got a magazine in the mail and I'm a little confused. Now if this were about 7 months ago while I was still subscribed to both EGM and Game Informer, it wouldn't have been a big deal. However, my subscription to Game Informer has since expired and the paper-ink love fest that was EGM magazine has been terminated. So I haven't had a magazine sent to me in over half a year. Hence my confusion when I was sent the May 2009 issue of Maxim with the ever-so-lovely Jennifer Love Hewitte quite literally busting off the cover.



Now, I have no problem receiving a free issue of Maxim in which skimpy pictures of both Jennifer Love Hewitt and that hot chick from the Fast and the Furious can be found. However, I did become slightly arous-I mean, confused when I was drooli-looking at the cover of the magazine and found a note covering the better parts of Ms. Love-Hewitt's already extraordinary body. The note was from EGM and it was informing me that the January 2009 issue of the magazine had been canceled due to, you know, its death. And in order to make up for this, they sent me the May 2009 issue of Maxim. The sentiment, while awesome, left me bewildered and with better fitting pants.

Many questions went through my head: why would they send me the issue now? Do they realize that EGM was canceled six months ago? Why would they send me a month old issue of Maxim? What does Jennifer Love Hewitt look like naked? What does Jennifer Love-Hewitt look like naked and covered in whipped cream? What does Jennifer Love-Hewitt look like naked, covered in whip cream and eating a suggestively large Popsicle? When did I suddenly go from wearing boxers to briefs?

As you can see, the entire event was hard on me. I mean it just erected all types of problems after it happened. My little head was throbbing with confusion...I have a boner.   read


11:20 AM on 04.29.2009

2D or not 2D



A lot of people think graphics are a very important element of games. And I don't disagree. I believe graphics should be as crisp and beautiful and push the console to its limit. But we've reached the point where outstanding graphics have become so expected and realistic, they've kind of become stale. That's not to say I think games should look shitty. Not at all. If two games came out that were exactly the same except for a severe alteration in graphics, I'd of course chose the better looking one. That's partially the reason I'm bummed I have a Wii.



However, have graphics reached the point that seemed unimaginable a few years ago? I feel like we won't be seeing any more drastic leaps in design or presentation from games anymore. Getting excited for the graphical face-lift that comes packaged with each new console (Wii aside) was something I always looked forward too. But I think that's over. Games like Crysis, Killzone, MGS 4, Halo, RE 5, Gran Turismo, and so many others are known for pushing themselves higher and producing amazing aesthetics, but how much further can they really push?

In these days of graphical glory, I find myself getting more excited for the 2D releases. Perhaps it's because these games are rare and seeing a new IP that uses 2D is more intriguing and conspicuous than a hot girl wearing a comic book t shirt while playing Street Fighter in an arcade...and winning. Perhaps its because graphics nowadays are just a bit too "been there, done that" so I'm reverting back to the more simplistic, more refined style of gaming. Perhaps its just because most games today have this exhausting infatuation with dreary grays and browns that I just don't find appealing anymore.



Games like Odin Sphere, Braid, Castle Crashers, and the highly anticipated Muramasa are the games I find myself more keen to watching gameplay videos of. I dont know why, but watching a game in 2D is more appealing than a game in 3D. I mean 3D games most certainly do have an advantage when it comes to making gamers want to be in the game. Games like BioShock, FF12, SoTC, and others have such a heavy atmosphere and sense of grandeur that the world alone is enough to immerse in, regardless of graphics. Still though, I feel like today developers are more concerned to make a pretty game, dipping in a muddy puddle, slapping some drab, pale protagonists in there and call it a day.



2D to me has always had a special place in my heart (hence the header). I'm the type of guy that prefers the oldschool 2D PS1 RPGs rather than the big-budget, high-end ones of today. I know many people believe it's a stupid move for games to come out in 2D in today's market. I think they're wrong. I think games today are more bold and more appealing if they choose to take a chance and try 2D out...or they're just a downloadable indie title that a few hardcore gamers may give a shot.   read


10:42 AM on 04.15.2009

You Know What Game Had Awesome Music?



Tetris Attack.



I have this game for the SNES and my brothers and I still play the hell out of it. And every time I play it I find myself humming the music long after I play. I'm not sure how many people actually remember this game or have played enough to remember the music, but for a limited 16bit cartridge, this game pushed out some really memorable tunes and beats that I would compare to Donkey Kong Country's soundtrack.



Music aside, the game is also really fun. Nothing too groundbreaking or industry changing, but still addictive and amusing as much as any other Nintendo offshoot game. Not to mention, the patented "BRawwahaaa" sound that Gargantuan Blaarg made was fucking boss.

BTW, playing Bowser on the hard difficulty was a god damn bitch in this game.

[embed]128776:18753[/embed]

Anyway, if you're interested, you can find the music here, or if you want better quality with a slight change in style, check here.   read


12:22 PM on 04.13.2009

Dance, Dance Dragonball Evolution

So....shit.



[fair spoiler warning for all...if you care.]

OK, let's do this. First, let me just say that I am a gigantic fan of DBZ. I know a lot of people find it childish and boring and long and yeah, yeah. I know and I agree. The show, nowadays, is dated and laughable. But it was revolutionary for it's time and it pretty much created the quintessential example of what a Shonen anime should be. Dimwitted main character that is pure of heart? Check. Over exaggerated fight scenes and powers? Check. Low amount of female presence? Check. Awesome fucking show? Check.



So! Now after twenty years of the show's first airing, we're given a live-action, American film. And we all know what to expect. Firstly, let's just establish how the characters of the movie deviated from the original source material.

1. Goku - an American teen that is attending school and finds it hard to talk to girls that he fantasizes eating strawberries in an open field (actually fucking happened). Also, apparently an avid Beatles fan.
2. Bulma- also an American. That's basically all that's wrong here, she's done pretty well actually.
3. Roshi - Not bald.
4. Oozaru - um...looked right, just not to scale.

Now I realize this is just nitpicking, but as an avid fan, I think I should nitpick for all those other avid fans out there. The first thing I was asked by my friends who are just as diehard fans as I am was "so how different (shitty) was it?" To which I, to my surprise, respond: "It wasn't THAT bad."

Look, we all know the movie wasn't going to be as true to the series as we all want it to be because, let's be honest, you couldn't make a 2 hour movie out of it and have it be enjoyable. So the creators instead made a hour and half film that has spliced together different already done films and created some strange DB offspring that, if you took away the DB elements, could have been any other movie.

The formula is basically this:

Karate Kid + Transformers + Harry Potteresque Effects - Magic, Robots and the Crane Technique X the Dragon Ball Appendix = DB Evolution.

Which, if you look at the movies in the ingredients, doesn't seem that bad. And it isn't...THAT bad. It's bad. It's definitely bad. But it's not unenjoyable. In fact, it was pretty sweet to see a Spikey haired, orange and blue clad, Justin Chatwin powering up and screaming "kamehameha!!!" at the end of the film. So, for what it is, it does well. Does it stick to the series? No. Does it make up for that? Sorta.



If you're not that sensitive to the DBZ universe being raped and Americanized to please audiences, then you'll walk out of the film at least mildly amused. And if that's not enough, the girl that plays Chi Chi is fucking hot.

  read


11:34 AM on 04.13.2009

Deadliest Warrior = Great. Effing. TV.



Just wanted to quick post about this new show on Spike called The Deadliest Warrior. If you haven't seen it, definitely check it out, because this show is the tits.

[embed]128525:18696[/embed]

Basically the show is about pitting two historical "warriors" against each other to see who would win. For example, the first week's episode was an Apache Indian against a Roman Gladiator. Sounds stupid at first, but if you're a history geek like I am, this show is incredibly addictive. Campy, macho banter aside, this show really does offer some kick ass information and tests of different types of historical weapons. Below is a video from the first ep. Go to about 7 minutes in and see a simulation of what an Indian Tomahawk would do to a person's skull. It's pretty bad ass.

[embed]128525:18695[/embed]

Next week is a Samurai v. a Viking. Boom.   read


8:17 AM on 04.08.2009

Dear Hollywood, Leave Video Games Alone.

[FTS NOTE: Ok, so god damn fucking AD at the top of the page, which doesnt show in the pic, keeps expanding every time I roll over and I just wanted to mention how fucking irritating that is.]


[unless this is what is meant by a video game movie, I don't want to see it]


So yeah, this is going to be another rant about how Hollywood is ruining games and how the newly announced Shadow of the Colossus movie is going to blow harder than hammered didgeridoo-playing hooker during a breathalyzer test. And she's not blowing the breathalyzer, if you know what saying...she's blowing the cop.

Anyway! Extensive metaphors aside, I believe this SOC movie is a problem for the same reason I believed the Watchmen movie was a problem. I'll admit, some games would work well as movies. Others, not so much. SOC is one of the "other" games.



Like Watchmen to comics, SOC did something in the video game media that hasn't been done before and probably will never be executed as well ever again. [side note: i'm actually glad this movie was announced on a purely a journalistic level because i planned to write an blog about SOC anyway.] There are many things to love about SOC: the music, the atmosphere, the beautiful graphics (that are still incredible), the overall opened ended-ness of the story. Everything about it is so physical and engaging, it's hard not to get swept up in it's majesty. And dont get me wrong, it does have potential as a movie. However, I feel like this movie will just be thrown to the wayside and delivered with such lividity and haphazardness that it won't do SOC justice.



Now, I'm a firm believer that there hasn't really been an amazing video game movie made yet, and I'm also a firm believer there never will be. And I'm ok with that. I don't think making video games into movies is something that really needs to happen. Video games are cinematic enough and interactive enough that making them into a movie just betrays and simplifies the experience for people. Something gets lost in the translation from game to movie and leaves the movie feeling cheap or..well...this...or...this...or....well...this. (Although I have to admit, using Snap's "The Power" in the Super Mario Bros. trailer was pretty tight).

And this will happen with SOC. That game is so voluptuous and has such a jarring grandeur, translating it to the silver screen will be disingenuous no matter how it's made. Viewers won't feel the excitement of actually controlling Wander as he scales the tremendous colossi. They won't feel the awkward, uncomfortable mix of accomplishment and sympathy a player feels as they deliver the final fatal lunge from their sword and watch the behemoth-sized beast somberly stumble to its death. Perhaps with the right direction, this deviant experience can be delivered to some degree that it was in the game. But no one will be able to capture it like it is in the original format. It's just too extraordinary.



The other main problem about SOC being made into a movie is it's story. In the game, ambiguity and intrigue cloud the story of SOC, leaving much of it left in the players hands for interpretation. I LOVED this about the game. Forget the brilliant soundtrack, the thick mechanics, the absolute sheerness of the game. If there was one thing that burrowed that game into my heart, it was the nostalgic, simplistic storyline of: Here's your character, here's your sword, here's your horse, there's the enemy, GO! It was a call back to simpler days of gaming where we didn't need shallow plots or flashy gimmicks, we just needed a base story about love or hate or revenge, and we were happy. The game is about how far one will go for those they love, and nothing more. Fuck all the theories about the in's and out's of the game. When it comes down to it, it's simply about this lovestruck Romeo that needs to save his Juliet no matter what the cost. And THAT is what I love about the game. It's absoluteness. It's quaint, unquestionable certainty that this what you're doing, and this is why. And to make that into a movie will undoubtedly shed light on parts of the story that remain a mystery and ought to be left that way. Explaining who Wander really is or what really happens to him or how Mono died would just detract for the majesty of the game.



And I'm sure other fans think this way too and have ranted on their own blogs about it, but I think it needs to be reiterated over and over until people truly understand why making THIS game into a movie really and wholly is a bad choice. Let Jake Gyllenhaal run around pretending to be a Persian Prince that can stop time. Let Uwe Boll slowly annihilate every already shitty game in the market [except you sir, you went down like a champ]. I'm OK with another Doom being made or another Resident Evil being made because those games are well-known enough that people who have never even played the games understand that what they're watching is a really shitty representation of them. But for a game like SOC, it's too indie to made into a film. Like Watchmen, people wont appreciate the film version because they dont fully understand what is going on. And that is such a shame. Also like Watchmen, SOC is brilliant and timeless, and it will influence games long after it's fucktastic movie counterpart is made. So please, Hollywood, leave that game alone. Go revamp some shitty horror film from the 70's and let us have our beloved game.

  read


11:20 AM on 03.13.2009

JRPG? More like SuckRPG.

Alright, so that title may be a bit disingenuous, but I'm a blogger on a gamer website, so I'm pretty sure being an insensitive biased prick is mandatory. Besides, anyone that finds that title offensive is dumber than a bag of hammers.



The idea of this post, if you couldn't tell from my very informative title, is about the current status of RPG's. Currently, RPGs suck. Of course there are exceptions (Odin Sphere, Grim Grimoire, Persona), but overall, RPGs have been stuck in the year 2003 for way too long. And when I say that, I mean the majority of RPG stories, looks, and gameplay really haven't advanced or changed since then. I remember rummaging through video game stores back when the PS1 was on its way out. I remember finding so many gems that RPG fans would only dream of (Tactics Ogre, Xenogears, Vandal Hearts, Vagrant Story, Star Ocean 2, Hoshigami, Saiyuki, Suikoden 2, Lunar).



But that really doesn't exist anymore. I know back then games were a lot cheaper to produce so developers weren't afraid to create a game that might not sell over a million copies. Today, though, since games are so expensive and so over-the-top, we don't really have those unknown, japanese rpgs with terrible translations and poor production value. Today we have something that, majority-wise, hasn't really changed or broken new grounds.

Today we have RPG's that are generally guaranteed to have 1 of 3 things:
1. Pretty, flashy, Animesque graphics.
2. A lame, uninspiring, unrewarding story.
3. Some stale, dated gameplay with a gimmick to make it look cooler than it actually is.



Of course, there are exceptions to this (lookin' at you), but overall, RPG's have fallen into this slump of banal, foppish-haired, over-the-topness that is just comes off shallow in the end. And it doesn't seem like it's going to stop. With games like Final Fantasy XIII, which looks like nothing new, and the new Kingdom Hearts, which looks like potential shit if I knew what the hell was going on, it seems this genre of games has drifted away from the originality and urgency it used to have.

But if I sound too harsh or too tactless, then just listen to this kid. He knows what I'm talking about.   read


10:43 AM on 03.02.2009

Mike Tyson, the Video Game Apocalypse, and the Onion




I decided to take a break from my usual rants and riveter niche and post something everyone can enjoy.

It's just some hilarity from the Onion. Yet again, their genius is unparalleled.

[check it out here]



Also, I posted a video from them which is also just as awesome. It's a little old, but still just as good.


[embed]123413:17833[/embed]   read


10:03 AM on 02.27.2009

What Ever Happened to Nintendo?



Nintendo...what happened to you? You used to be cool. You used to be fun. You used to be this. Now you don't even get a port of SFIV. Now, you don't even release any good fighting games. Now...now you're releasing games called Let's Tap and Jelly Belly Ballistic Beans. Jelly...Belly...Ballistic...Beans. Just, I mean, like...really?

Kotaku posted an article [found here] early yesterday morning listed Nintendo's upcoming games...and jesus christ, this needs to stop. I realize that Nintendo has shifted gears and directed its aim towards the casual crowd, and I understand that it's given them a lot of headway in the video game industry. But they also did something that always kept the die-hard, oldschool, nintenboys happy. They released good games. Well, they used to anyway. Sure, not all of them were winners, but for every 10 shitty, poppy, crowd-pleasing games, there was one gem that made it worth having a Wii if you were a hardcore gamer. No More Heroes, Mario Galaxy, Twilight Princess, Prime 3, Brawl and so on. And I'll even include Mario Kart, even though it was a little bit of a crowd-pleaser.

I remember when the Wii first came out, I was surprised at how many of the heavy-hitting titles came out so suddenly. I mean, within two years, Nintendo seemed to throw every great franchise it had at us. It was like it was using both your Ultra Attack as well as your Special before you've even damaged the enemy (OK, I've been playing a lot of SFIV recently, so fuck you for the lame reference). I thought this tactic of pulling out all the stops when the Wii was first released was a bad plan, but now I feel like it was ingenious of Nintendo to do so.



By releasing the new Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Mario Kart, SS Bros, even Mario Party, games in only a couple years, Nintendo gained the attention of its hardcore crowd. I mean I know that's why I bought the Wii. It wasn't because I thought it was going to be a solid system. It was because by the time the Wii came out, Nintendo had already announced all its major titles and their release dates. If the Wii didn't have all those great games come out in the first few months of its release, I probably wouldn't have gotten one.


[I beat the shit out of this bitch in some Brawl.]

But I do have one. And now it sucks. As I scrolled down the list of games set to be released in the coming months, I felt like I was looking at games that were going to coming out on LeapFrog or some kids' interactive learning toy. It's a list littered with Disney-tie-ins, Movie-tie-ins, and other obviously child-aimed games. I mean, for christ's sake, there's a developer called MumboJumbo. What the fuck is a MumboJumbo and why are they being allowed to release a game called Crazy Chicken Star Karts in March? What the fuck Nintendo? What the fuck?

Stop being pansies, and go back to being this.

You once upheld such legendary titles like Ninja Gaiden, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy, Kung Fu, Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, Shadowrun, Secret of Evermore, Megaman, and so many others. Now? Now you're doing this shit.

Some would call it maturing. I just call it whoring yourself out to look good for the cool kids. You used to be a nerd, Nintendo. You used to talk about cartoons and eat lunch with the dorks and collect Magic Cards and wear over-sized clothing. You used to like comics and D&D and staying in on Fridays to play an RPG for 8 hours. But now you cut your hair and changed you clothes and suddenly like The Jonas Brothers. And to think I used to blow you to get you to work correctly. You're a whore, Nintendo...a dirty, dirty, whore.

  read


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