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Member since: 2009-02-05 12:37:19
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    Street Fighter Cast seen here is a horrifying portrayal.

    After more than twenty years of game appearances, the cast of the acclaimed Capcom gaming staple Street Fighter have decided they've had enough of their shitty one-liners.


    In an act reminiscent of 2007's writer's strike, Ryu, Ken, Chun-Li and rest of the iconic gang have decided to rewrite the set of default pre-battle and post-battle dialogue blips they're contracted to say for each game.

    "Shit's getting old man," Ryu said. "Who gives a shit about the 'fury of my dragon punch?' How about instead I say, 'Yo, cocklips, let's dance.' "

    Ryu, left, seen here with post-Ark of Covenant viewer, Bison.

    With Super Street Fighter 4 just around the bend, many characters feel it's time to bring some originality and flare to the gaming franchise.

    Fat Abs.

    Fatty-McFat Fat Abs, E. Honda, said he doesn't understand why the writers chose such shitty sayings for the characters when they win a battle.

    "No shitting, Vega used to say 'Thank you for a gorgeous time' back in Street Fighter 2 Turbo. You get that? A gorgeous time," he said. "What in the shit? I mean...damn man."

    Other characters are less concerned with their "Win-Battle" quotes and more worried about what they have to say when they lose.

    "Most of the time we're told to jump up and give a thumbs up or some stupid-ass intimidating stance," Guile, hair-fashion consigliere, said. "I just wanna get up and be like, 'Really? Really Blanka? You cheap, green, Brazilian fuck.' "


    Capcom President Kenzo Tsujimoto said he understands his characters' concerns and promised to iron out the kinks before the next games release.

    However, shortly after making this vow Tsujimoto killed himself when he realized he was empathizing with fictional video game characters.

    "FUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh--," he said.

    While most characters are griping about the games shoddy script, one cast member has completely different set of qualms with the next game.

    "Granny-panties," Sakura, pedophile bait, said. "Granny-mother-fucking-panties."

    After learning Joss Whedon's Dollhouse was canceled, which I did enjoy despite my previous blog, I started wondering how the show could have been more of a success. My first answer: naked Eliza Dushku. Realizing that probably won't happen any time soon (or will it?), I came up with a second solution: Making it into an Anime.

    Then I thought up 4 other geeky outlets I've come across that I believe would make good animes as well. Here we go.

    1. Dollhouse: As I said, the show was very enjoyable. It had a solid premise, a great amount of potential and, most importantly, a cult following. With all of those ingredients, there is no reason the show wouldn't work as anime. I mean it already has a Ghost in the Shell vibe, so half of its work is cut out. And I feel like with an anime the writers would have an easier time transforming the characters into whatever role their supposed to play. Not to hark on Dushku's acting abilities...but I mean...

    2. Stephen King's IT: I'm currently reading this book for the first time and all I can think as I read it is anime. Originally I thought it would be good as a miniseries, but the amount of time spent in characters heads and pasts would make it challenging to get all the best parts of the book across. An anime would work so well because it could really bring out the terror of IT. There was one part in particular with a bird, which I won't spoil it here, that continually made me think "anime." With all the kids in the story, an anime could do well to make their interactions and fear more genuine than any child actors could. Whenever I'm reading IT, I just imagine something along the lines of 20th Century Boys, which is very similar in design. And with Stephen King already breaking into the comic book world, there's no reason it wouldn't work as a cartoon.

    3. Marvel's Spider Man: OK, while this may not seem obvious or plausible at first, let's look at the contents of the comic. Geeky protagonist that's lovable as well as a genius? Check. A sexy female love interest that's slutty but doesn't know it? Check. Fast-pace, kung-fu-esque fighting that involves swinging around rooftops? Check. A costume that slightly resembles established anime heroes? Check. From what I see, there is no reason this comic couldn't be made into a successful anime. And with an Iron Man anime and a Wolverine anime on the way, I'm pretty sure Spidey deserves one too. I mean we already lost an awesome CG version of the comic starring Neil Patrick Harris thanks to MTV, so how about we let another country handle this one? But if you're still unconvinced, watch this and tell me it doesn't look remotely cool.

    4. Ender's Game: I read this book a little over a year ago, and it's fantastic. It's also perfect fodder for anime. Again we have children being badass, which always works well in anime. Think about it: Dragonball, Naruto, Pokemon, Full Metal Alchemist, One Piece, Gurren Lagann, Evangelion and so many others have young kids playing the leads, and it works. I think Ender's Game would work so well mainly because it's such a visual book that would transition well into a cartoon form. I mean, author Orson Scott Card has already written comics and is currently making one for Ender's Game, so it only makes sense to take the next step into the anime realm. I mean...seriously.

    5. Xenogears: This one is mainly because I want this game to be redone, but I don't think it would work with today's graphics. I think this game would work better as an anime because it's story is so convoluted and rich, it would help alleviate some of the heaviness if it was spaced out over 50 or so episodes. This game needs to be redone in some way, shape or form. It deserves it. It is a cult classic which means it's a gold mine for an anime company. I guarantee if Aniplex or Funimation or someone announced this game was being made into a show, it would annihilate any other competition out there. The only other game I can think of that also deserves this treatment is you sir, but I suspect you're second wind is still in development...or was.

    Luigi, the globally recognized Italian plumber and younger brother of the more well-known Mario, was arrested last night for possession of narcotics.

    The Toad Police Squad has not yet confirmed what type of drugs Luigi was caught using, but those close to him suspect mushrooms. Many people have said he has been known to overuse both the growth-granting red mushrooms as well as the more dangerous poisonous purple mushrooms that can shrink or even kill the user.

    Luigi (left) and Princess Peach (right) seen here a few years back, when things were more simple and made more sense.

    After being taken to Mushroom Kingdom General Hospital where he was embarrassingly operated on by his studious older brother, Dr. Mario, Luigi was said to be lethargic and unresponsive to the medication of over-sized pills.

    His aforementioned brother Mario, who is most well-known for his persistent prowess of saving Princes Peach from the would-be-pussy-excuse-for-a-final-boss Bowser, has also been recognized for starting his own go-kart racing league, traveling to space and participating in ever goddamn sport under the sun.

    "Eetsa shame whata happened to my brother," Mario said after nursing Luigi, "He'sa always atryin' to be better than a-me, but you can't be better than a-me, I mean, eetsa-me, Mario!"

    Newcomer to the Mushroom Kingdom family and shitty substitute for the much more voluptuous Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, was dating Luigi on and off before the arrest.

    "That motherf**ker got what he f**king deserved," Daisy said during an interview with the media, "He's a peice of f**cking trash and I hope he dies."

    Friends of the collapsing once-hero have said Luigi's need for drugs started when he felt unappreciated and ashamed that he wasn't as popular or cool as his big older brother.

    "Oh yeah, Luigi has done some crazy shit in the past," Toad, a life-long friend, said. "During the original Super Smash Brother days he got so excited about the secret character spot that he got strung out on Stars before each fight, hence the hazed look in his eyes."

    Luigi, seen here, coked out of his fucking mind before a Smash Bros match.

    As well as dabbling in serious drugs to feel better for his overshadowed career, Luigi also developed a number of habits that many who know him call “odd as f*ck.” These include: a slightly homosexual demeanor, awkwardly desperate attempts to be in games (Super Mario Galaxy), and pathetic game concepts with Ghostbuster-knockoff gameplay.

    Archrival and evil lookalike Waluigi is also disappointed in his foe.

    “Look, I’m not saying he’s a waste of a person, but…well…um…,” he said. Waluigi also confessed that his name isn’t actually Waluigi and he is not the brother of the acclaimed glutton Wario. He instead was hired by Luigi so that he too could have a nemesis to battle, he said.

    “I mean, for Christ’s sake, Waluigi? What the f*ck kinda stupid name is that,” he said. “Luigi actually thought that up, he thought he was so clever…what a dumbass.”

    It seems this Johnny Chase of the video game world has given up on trying to establish himself as something more than just the brother of everyone’s favorite Italian plumber. It seems he has instead settled for cheap drug highs, bizarre cameos, and just an overall self-abnegating approach to life.

    Luigi’s bail has been set at 300,000 coins.

    Artists rendering of Luigi since he's been indisposed.

    So today I got a magazine in the mail and I'm a little confused. Now if this were about 7 months ago while I was still subscribed to both EGM and Game Informer, it wouldn't have been a big deal. However, my subscription to Game Informer has since expired and the paper-ink love fest that was EGM magazine has been terminated. So I haven't had a magazine sent to me in over half a year. Hence my confusion when I was sent the May 2009 issue of Maxim with the ever-so-lovely Jennifer Love Hewitte quite literally busting off the cover.

    Now, I have no problem receiving a free issue of Maxim in which skimpy pictures of both Jennifer Love Hewitt and that hot chick from the Fast and the Furious can be found. However, I did become slightly arous-I mean, confused when I was drooli-looking at the cover of the magazine and found a note covering the better parts of Ms. Love-Hewitt's already extraordinary body. The note was from EGM and it was informing me that the January 2009 issue of the magazine had been canceled due to, you know, its death. And in order to make up for this, they sent me the May 2009 issue of Maxim. The sentiment, while awesome, left me bewildered and with better fitting pants.

    Many questions went through my head: why would they send me the issue now? Do they realize that EGM was canceled six months ago? Why would they send me a month old issue of Maxim? What does Jennifer Love Hewitt look like naked? What does Jennifer Love-Hewitt look like naked and covered in whipped cream? What does Jennifer Love-Hewitt look like naked, covered in whip cream and eating a suggestively large Popsicle? When did I suddenly go from wearing boxers to briefs?

    As you can see, the entire event was hard on me. I mean it just erected all types of problems after it happened. My little head was throbbing with confusion...I have a boner.

    A lot of people think graphics are a very important element of games. And I don't disagree. I believe graphics should be as crisp and beautiful and push the console to its limit. But we've reached the point where outstanding graphics have become so expected and realistic, they've kind of become stale. That's not to say I think games should look shitty. Not at all. If two games came out that were exactly the same except for a severe alteration in graphics, I'd of course chose the better looking one. That's partially the reason I'm bummed I have a Wii.

    However, have graphics reached the point that seemed unimaginable a few years ago? I feel like we won't be seeing any more drastic leaps in design or presentation from games anymore. Getting excited for the graphical face-lift that comes packaged with each new console (Wii aside) was something I always looked forward too. But I think that's over. Games like Crysis, Killzone, MGS 4, Halo, RE 5, Gran Turismo, and so many others are known for pushing themselves higher and producing amazing aesthetics, but how much further can they really push?

    In these days of graphical glory, I find myself getting more excited for the 2D releases. Perhaps it's because these games are rare and seeing a new IP that uses 2D is more intriguing and conspicuous than a hot girl wearing a comic book t shirt while playing Street Fighter in an arcade...and winning. Perhaps its because graphics nowadays are just a bit too "been there, done that" so I'm reverting back to the more simplistic, more refined style of gaming. Perhaps its just because most games today have this exhausting infatuation with dreary grays and browns that I just don't find appealing anymore.

    Games like Odin Sphere, Braid, Castle Crashers, and the highly anticipated Muramasa are the games I find myself more keen to watching gameplay videos of. I dont know why, but watching a game in 2D is more appealing than a game in 3D. I mean 3D games most certainly do have an advantage when it comes to making gamers want to be in the game. Games like BioShock, FF12, SoTC, and others have such a heavy atmosphere and sense of grandeur that the world alone is enough to immerse in, regardless of graphics. Still though, I feel like today developers are more concerned to make a pretty game, dipping in a muddy puddle, slapping some drab, pale protagonists in there and call it a day.

    2D to me has always had a special place in my heart (hence the header). I'm the type of guy that prefers the oldschool 2D PS1 RPGs rather than the big-budget, high-end ones of today. I know many people believe it's a stupid move for games to come out in 2D in today's market. I think they're wrong. I think games today are more bold and more appealing if they choose to take a chance and try 2D out...or they're just a downloadable indie title that a few hardcore gamers may give a shot.

    Tetris Attack.

    I have this game for the SNES and my brothers and I still play the hell out of it. And every time I play it I find myself humming the music long after I play. I'm not sure how many people actually remember this game or have played enough to remember the music, but for a limited 16bit cartridge, this game pushed out some really memorable tunes and beats that I would compare to Donkey Kong Country's soundtrack.

    Music aside, the game is also really fun. Nothing too groundbreaking or industry changing, but still addictive and amusing as much as any other Nintendo offshoot game. Not to mention, the patented "BRawwahaaa" sound that Gargantuan Blaarg made was fucking boss.

    BTW, playing Bowser on the hard difficulty was a god damn bitch in this game.

    Anyway, if you're interested, you can find the music here, or if you want better quality with a slight change in style, check here.

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