Happy Halloween, Destructoid. Mine was spent as usual, rounding up waifs and vagrants on the street and ushering them into my manor where I sang Halloween carols at them and washed their feet with my hair. I was just about to hand out the last of the Baby Ruths when one of the little wretches piped up and ruined it for everyone.

"But why are you being so nice to us today?" he asked. "What about the other 364 days when you scream at us to get out of your yard and stop trying to touch your dog?"

"Because," I bellowed, revelling in the look of doe-eyed panic on his face as he recoiled in terror, "humanity simply doesn't have the patience or the willpower to maintain so much selfless affection for an entire year, and anybody who even entertains the notion that they do is clearly an imbecile. If we didn't allot specific dates for compassion and peace, then you wouldn't even be getting your fucking kit kat, so why don't you just thank your lucky stars we're good enough to give you a Halloween at all!"

And with that, I removed my embroidered slipper and administered a beating the likes of which give wastrels nightmares

The human is at heart a selfish creature and expecting more than 5 or 6 days of empathy a year is wholly unrealistic and naive.

And so it should be!







O hallo thar pop culture of 2002.



Happy halloween, I'm inhaling my own face in FEAR