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Community Discussion: Blog by gennhaver | Nintendo gives me blue balls, once again.Destructoid
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About
Hello, my name is Jenn and I'm a lover of games and student-dentist in SF. I live with my boyfriend (Max), our idiotic cat-monster (Brinkjob) and a classmate of mine from dental school (Sam). We drink too much and think too little. Or is it the other way around?

Fantasy games are my favorite. If I had to score Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced I would give it "BLOWJOBS/10" because reasons. I picked up Skyrim and proceeded to get into fights with Max over whose turn it was for the next 3 months. Sometimes we're best friends but usually I just need him to SHUT THE FUCK UP I WANT TO BE A LIZARD WIZARD, AGHH.


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In my mind, there are two reasons you never listened when that glowing twat demanded, "HEY, LISTEN." First of all, what kind of self respecting fairy DOESN'T look like a tiny version of someone I want to fuck? Secondly, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't need some non-big-titted, winged being telling me what to do. I think a general rule for female video game and/or cartoon characters should be thus: if you're going to be irritating, you better be hot. Of course, in real life I really don't care how hot you are. If you're irritating then do us all a favor and go chug some bleach (here's looking at you, iJustine).

When I first heard about the OOT remake I burst into a flurry of sparkles. It was as if I saved Rachel McAdams from certain death and she rewarded me with baby pandas and a feel of her tits. Unexpected, but nice. Then I heard more about it, and it was more like I got a quick hug and some underfed rats

As a raging fangirl, I'll have to admit that I made loud squeeing sounds at the thought of a shiny new opportunity to ride Epona into the Hyrulian sunset. As I read on about all the new bells and whistles in the re-release, I felt less like an anime character and more like a Matt Groening creation - confused and generally disgruntled. So… Navi's still around, huh? Have you ever met anybody that ACTUALLY enjoyed Navi's presence? And they haven't changed anything about the main story at all? There are really only two notable features in the upcoming release, those being the inclusion of Master Quest and Boss Rush modes. And, on a more personal note, I don't even have a fucking 3DS.

I'm sorry, but what's the point? Sure, you can cruise through the menu lightning quick with the touch screen, get helpful hints from the improved gossip stones, and wave your arms around like an idiot trying to gyroscopically introduce your arrow into that Skulltula's ass, but is that worth $50? For those like me who don't already own a 3DS, is worth $300? Zelda lovers have probably already played through the entire game at least three times and super serious Zelda lovers have probably already bent Master Quest over their knee and spanked it a few times over. Boss Rush mode seems like a neat little novelty but it feels like Nintendo R&D just phoned that shit in.

"Uh... yeah. We'll challenge them with exciting timed battles with all new opponents and abilities and magic stuff. Wait, we spent all the money on making Zelda's hair look shiny? Fuck, okay well… just line up all the bosses. OH, and give them ONE LIFE. Man. I am good. I totally M. Night Shyamalaned that. THEY WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING."


Sure, Link's shield looks more tree-y but and Navi still looks like a pain in the ass.

Nintendo could have done something awesome here, but they decided they were too afraid of potential nerd rage to commit to any real innovation. In my mind, the only thing that this re-release accomplishes is introducing the wonders of Zelda to a whole new generation of gamers. Sounds great, but keep in mind Nintendo only sold a third of the 3DS units predicted by early projections. There isn't much of an incentive for parents when most of their kids already have a DSi, the system is just too expensive.

The thing is, this revamped Zelda just doesn't hold enough appeal for the non-3DS-owning gamer. Those unfamiliar with Zelda aren't inclined to buy a brand new system just for this game, and there just aren't enough changes to satisfy those fanatics who spent hours wondering what the hell Princess Ruto is. It's just not enough for me that I can now count the stitches in Link's tunic, it's not enough that I can beat up on Bongo Bongo as many times as I want. I didn't give a shit about the gossip stones then, Nintendo, and now I already know how to solve all the fucking puzzles.


Wait, didn't you kill Steve Irwin?

Okay, I'm a bit biased here. I have a terrible astigmatism in my right eye that makes it impossible for me to see 3D. Except, you know, real life. Whenever I tell people that someone usually starts shouting “BUT I HAVE AN ASTIGMATISM AND 3D WORKS GREAT FOR ME”. Thanks, asshole, way to rub it in my face that my eyeball is more fucked up than yours. That's awesome. No, it doesn't look like Voldemort is actually coming at me. Yes, I can only tell that Chun-Li is closer to me than that barrel by looking at context clues. Even aside from that little medical hiccup, the 3DS isn't all that alluring to me. Its short battery life, small library of games, my trusty old DSlite, and my grad-student state of poverty all kind of point to a pass on this one for me.

I just wish my mom didn't give our N64 to goodwill.
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A lot of expletives there.
It's a re-release. Obviously they aren't going to drastically change anything. It could be worse - it could just be a half-assed port like Star Fox 64.
Keep in mind that Navi existed in part to help people through the new era of polygonal 3D and, in her how way, encouraged you to really explore it. There are things I wouldn't have thought to do today that I did 13 years ago because 3D was still pretty new in games.

Now 3DS is bringing actual depth to the experience, so yeah, Navi still has a purpose. And even without her, Link's always had a sidekick since OOT- Tatl, King of Red Lions, Midna, Linebeck and Zelda herself. They do what Navi does and being that Navi is part of the OOT story, why not keep her?

When you do a remake, you have to walk a fine line and not shake up the formula too much. There are newer gamers that honestly will not go back and play N64/VC OOT because of its graphics - yep, those people still exist and they'll never change - but there's also the old fans to consider.

So you have to make compromises that are reasonable while not fucking with what worked.

Resident Evil was a remake that added a little something to the mythos and gameplay, but it did it within what already worked. MGS Twin Snakes was a remake that sometimes went off-track, embellishing the cutscenes and then also original gameplay elements too much. So not only was the original experience diminished, it wasn't as challenging as before.

We still don't know what all is in the final version. Either previews have told us all there is to know or there's something else there NDAs are keeping people from talking about. Its not unheard of for a Zelda re-release to have an extra dungeon, for example.

So Nintendo seems to be walking that fine line, which is really the best thing to do in this case. Trust me, there are purists already flustered by the Sheikah Stone thing. I don't see the problem because the things were damn useless before this so at least now they have a point for someone. They were more useful in MM.
I've never been a huge Zelda fan. I dig, I've played/watched all the games and can dig why some people really really love them. Hell, I dated a girl with the Hyrule crest on her arm. However, for me, they just don't do it. So the remakes and the such for Zelda, well, I don't really notice. I do know from friends who bought a 3DS that they stopped playing it a couple of weeks after they bought it due to the lack of a solid launch line up. So that's a shame.

However

I can speak to some other points in your blog.

If a game character is going to tell me what to do, I want them to be hot as well. But hot for me is a Filipino grandmother in a striking navy blue pant suit accessorized with a scarf and a small but fetching brooch. Hot is also Bea Arthur. I bet that woman could have ripped Godzilla's dick off with her eyes. Hot also can be someone crying with streaked mascara but that's really a matter of lighting and alcohol.

I know what killed Steve Irwin:




Your N64 went to the Goodwill? Ouch. Every time I see a Dreamcast at the Goodwill in the case I think there's a really sad story that had to happen for this to occur. Kinda like the cigar box of wedding rings at a pawn shop.
Oh, man. This is awesome.
I love you. Marry me.
@Venus: Yeah it's kind of terrible. I type the way I talk, which is also kind of terrible.

@Turtle: You're right, it could be worse. But that's not exactly a reason for it not to be better.

@Protagonist: I see your point but I think my frustration with OOT is a culmination of my general frustration with entertainment as of late. It seems so many games and movies these days are just rehashings of already popular themes/video games/super heros. The thought, "Hey, it works, why mess with it?" seems awfully complacent to me. If you're not going to Christopher Nolan that shit, you're not exactly exciting me.

@Occam: She did it without telling my brother or I while we were both away in college. Yes, it hurt.

@Falsen: Thanks!

@Lord Death: Errr, gotta run that by Scoville first.
I accept WAY too much of the shit that Nintendo does. I am quite the idiot fanboy.
God I fucking love you.

*kills wife*

*kills Max Scoville*

*goes to jail*

Wait for me...
On a more serious note...

I actually have an extra N64 sitting in a box in my basement, and I have no idea where it came from (that's not a joke). The only thing missing is the power cable, but it's yours if you'd like it.

Let me know!
I am so happy right now.

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