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Hello, my name is Jenn and I'm a lover of games and student-dentist in SF. I live with my boyfriend (Max), our idiotic cat-monster (Brinkjob) and a classmate of mine from dental school (Sam). We drink too much and think too little. Or is it the other way around?

Fantasy games are my favorite. If I had to score Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced I would give it "BLOWJOBS/10" because reasons. I picked up Skyrim and proceeded to get into fights with Max over whose turn it was for the next 3 months. Sometimes we're best friends but usually I just need him to SHUT THE FUCK UP I WANT TO BE A LIZARD WIZARD, AGHH.


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That sounds gross. Now I'm imagining some sort of disgusting feces-only adoption agency where the babys are just giant poo sculptures and I now need to scrub my brain. Sometimes I hate myself.

Ahem.

I'll be attending PAX east this year and I need some sweet, sweet avatars to bring along with me. Mostly because Max will probably be busy doing whatever the hell his job entails and I'll be lurking behind Darik and hoping he doesn't mind the smell. HEY DARIK, YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Then when Darik decide he's had enough of me, all I'll have left are your awesome avatars to take pictures with. I think I'll be taking two or three along with me and will select them based on no criteria at all.


WELCOME TO MY LIFE WHERE THE RULES ARE MADE UP
AND THE AVATARS ARE RANDOMLY CHOSEN

Is it a bit early to be making adoption posts? Fuckit, I'm punctual (read:impatient).

Note: anthropomorphic boobs and animals with abs kind of freak me out. So, you know. Drop your avatar in the comments!








I am filled with bubbling green jealousy towards all of you who are attending PAX. While you're all galavanting about, making blurry memories, I'll be here - looking at graphic photos of horrifying things like oral cancer and Sarah Jessica Parke (I just started watching Sex and the City) [NSFL]. The point is, everybody needs to floss.

Just kidding. I want you to adopt my avatar (but you should still floss anyway).

Unfortunately, since my mac died, I don't have a high-res photo of my present avatar. I do however have Pika-Jenn who is my avatar over in the dtoid forums.


A LITTLE CROSS-EYED, BUT SHE'S ALRIGHT OTHERWISE.

You might be asking why I'm looking for an avatar parent when my very own roommate is going to be attending PAX. "But Jenn," you might say, "Aren't you and Max Scoville doing the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing? Wouldn't he make the perfect avatar-parent?" Yes and no.

First of all, him adopting my avatar would be sort of weird, incestual, reverse-Woody Allen type situation. HI, I ADOPTED MY GIRLFRIEND. Ew.

Secondly, have you met Max? He's pretty flighty and his twitter addiction makes me wonder if he'd have the mental capabilities to remember snapping a picture with my avatar before he started tweeting about that incredibly sexy bikini girl in stilletos. UM I WAS GOING TO DO FUN THINGS WITH YOUR AVATAR BUT THEN A BOOTH BABE TOUCHED ME AND I DROPPED IT LIKE YOUR STANDARDS.

Lastly, I live with him, I have enough pictures of the two of us doing things together. I would much rather be hanging out with people I don't see on a regular basis.

So, now that we've gone over that stuff, here's a list of reasons why you should adopt Pika-Jenn:

1. She was the source of much controversy when she first arrived on the dtoid Cblog scene. You know what people think of when they thing controversy? Prince. Er, the artist formerly known as Prince. And you know what? Prince is fucking awesome. So there.

2. Carrying Pika-Jenn around is like a combination of having a Chobit and Pokemon, except she's a dentist. THE INTRIGUE.

3. She will be the perfect accessory if you plan on wearing yellow.

4. Asians are all patron saints of arithmetic. Need to impress that girl you asked out to dinner by quickly calculating the tip in your head? Well, Pika-Jenn is there for you (just take the tax, move the decimal to the right one space, and double it).

And there you have it. Please adopt my avatar, Pika-Jenn would love to see Seattle.







gennhaver
11:32 PM on 07.20.2011

I've been dying to post this ever since I finished it but had to wait until it arrived at Mr. Andy Dixon's doorstep so I wouldn't ruin the surprise. He was one of the first people who popped into my mind when I began my goodie exchange saga.


BAM, DEXTERITY.

Apologies for the short post but I just got my white coat which means I am officially obligated to spend a bajillion hours on patient cases so I'm tired as balls. Who's balls? Ron Jeremy's balls.


LET ME PUT MY FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH

If you'd like to be a part of the goodie exchange, PM me with your name and address! Be warned, I'm a little slow.
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Oh hey. I didn't see you come in there. Have a seat, watch the candles. Wouldn't want you to burn yourself. I know, it's been a while. I can't keep making excuses to you. I keep making these promises and I know it hurts. Baby, just give me one more chance.

Ahem.

Remember ages ago when I said I was doing a gift giveaway? Well, I'm still doing that. It's turning out to be more like a gift exchange, which is all sorts of awesome for me. Especially since the Dtoid community members are much more interesting and creative than I am. So far, I've gotten goodies from both Occam's Electric Toothbrush and DJKirsch and though I doubt either of them knew it was my birthday I'm going to pretend they were sending me birthday gifts. Because I am pathetic and lonely like that. LET ME LIVE MY LIE.


BITCH I WILL EAT YOUR FACE

This was the first thing to arrive from Occam. I want to write about the second package, which is full of all sorts of amazing goodies but Max wants to do an unboxing video so I'll leave that to him (I have an irritating voice). I'm pretty sure that Occam is some kind of wizard, there's no other explanation for how he could know about my rampant love for Xena. Just a few months ago, Max got me this:


INTERCHANGEABLE WEAPONRY

I found some more teeth models laying around while cleaning out my sim lab station so Occam's Electric Toothbrush, you've got more teeth headed your way in the near future. I think this is the only place on the internet that I can say that without it being weird.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to play every single gameboy-accessible Zelda game created by the end of my summer. I realized all the friend visiting and family catching-up-with that I have to shove into a mere 4 weeks just wasn't going to allow that to happen. Sigh. This isn't going to stop me from trying, though. I powered through Link to the Past and Minish Cap in about 2 weeks and proceeded to order Link's Awakening. When it arrived, I realized it wasn't compatible with my DS lite and proceeded to whine about it in Outer Heaven (my Dtoid hideaway). DJKirsch decided to end my incessant whining by sending me his old gameboy advanced, along with a few other goodies.


I AM SPOILED

He also sent me an old gaming magazine and Boktai. Max Scoville has taken both of these things with him to work, because the magazine is actually pretty fun to look through. Oh nostalgia. I haven't had a chance to play Boktai for two reasons: 1) I'm still on my Zelda mission 2) Max stole it.

I really hate using this word because it sounds awfully cheesy and lame but I feel pretty blessed to find so many awesome friends in the Destructoid community. Max and I were talking about the community members last night, discussing who's having a baby, what's so and so's work schedule, when we might be able to meet up with somebody while we're in New York... and I realized how much more Dtoid is than just an online community. At the risk of sounding like an after school special: Dtoid is like a family. A family that makes a lot of cock jokes, but a family none the less.

Thanks for making me feel welcome. It's my birthday today, and I know at least a few people still like me now that I'm 23.
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I know that clogging up the cblog stream is a big no-no but I completely forgot to post a few days ago and I wanted to get it up before THE PACKAGE arrives. After I wrote about being a dental student a few posts ago, Occam's Electric Toothbrush and I bonded over a mutual affinity for teeth-related things. One email led to another and now this is on its way to his home:


Yo dawg, I'M IN YOUR MAIL.

The picture frame is there to cover up our addresses because my mama told me not to tell the internetz things like that. Yes, I framed a napkin. Max drew that for me before I started my first day of dental school and I might have been PMSing because it made me cry. He also drew the unicorn thing in the background (that's actually a portrait of Zwuh, the alpha and omegacorn).

ANYWAY I don't know about you, but I really like sending/receiving things in the mail. I like it even better when those things aren't bills. I hope this becomes a thing (I am so good with words). I'm really excited to see unboxing c-blog posts with pictures of the silly things I've sent out and peoples' smiles. I'm kind of gay like that. There are 3 other Dtoiders on my list of people to harass with random shit but if you'd like to join in on the fun and don't think I'll stalk you or steal your identity, send me you address at: gennhaver@gmail.com

I've been kind of slow about sending things out but think of it this way: by the time I actually send you something, you'll probably have forgotten about the whole thing and be pleasantly surprised. I LOVE PLEASANT SURPRISES. You know what I love even more? PRESENT SURPRISES. Get it? I'm Asian.
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In my mind, there are two reasons you never listened when that glowing twat demanded, "HEY, LISTEN." First of all, what kind of self respecting fairy DOESN'T look like a tiny version of someone I want to fuck? Secondly, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't need some non-big-titted, winged being telling me what to do. I think a general rule for female video game and/or cartoon characters should be thus: if you're going to be irritating, you better be hot. Of course, in real life I really don't care how hot you are. If you're irritating then do us all a favor and go chug some bleach (here's looking at you, iJustine).

When I first heard about the OOT remake I burst into a flurry of sparkles. It was as if I saved Rachel McAdams from certain death and she rewarded me with baby pandas and a feel of her tits. Unexpected, but nice. Then I heard more about it, and it was more like I got a quick hug and some underfed rats

As a raging fangirl, I'll have to admit that I made loud squeeing sounds at the thought of a shiny new opportunity to ride Epona into the Hyrulian sunset. As I read on about all the new bells and whistles in the re-release, I felt less like an anime character and more like a Matt Groening creation - confused and generally disgruntled. So… Navi's still around, huh? Have you ever met anybody that ACTUALLY enjoyed Navi's presence? And they haven't changed anything about the main story at all? There are really only two notable features in the upcoming release, those being the inclusion of Master Quest and Boss Rush modes. And, on a more personal note, I don't even have a fucking 3DS.

I'm sorry, but what's the point? Sure, you can cruise through the menu lightning quick with the touch screen, get helpful hints from the improved gossip stones, and wave your arms around like an idiot trying to gyroscopically introduce your arrow into that Skulltula's ass, but is that worth $50? For those like me who don't already own a 3DS, is worth $300? Zelda lovers have probably already played through the entire game at least three times and super serious Zelda lovers have probably already bent Master Quest over their knee and spanked it a few times over. Boss Rush mode seems like a neat little novelty but it feels like Nintendo R&D just phoned that shit in.

"Uh... yeah. We'll challenge them with exciting timed battles with all new opponents and abilities and magic stuff. Wait, we spent all the money on making Zelda's hair look shiny? Fuck, okay well… just line up all the bosses. OH, and give them ONE LIFE. Man. I am good. I totally M. Night Shyamalaned that. THEY WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING."


Sure, Link's shield looks more tree-y but and Navi still looks like a pain in the ass.

Nintendo could have done something awesome here, but they decided they were too afraid of potential nerd rage to commit to any real innovation. In my mind, the only thing that this re-release accomplishes is introducing the wonders of Zelda to a whole new generation of gamers. Sounds great, but keep in mind Nintendo only sold a third of the 3DS units predicted by early projections. There isn't much of an incentive for parents when most of their kids already have a DSi, the system is just too expensive.

The thing is, this revamped Zelda just doesn't hold enough appeal for the non-3DS-owning gamer. Those unfamiliar with Zelda aren't inclined to buy a brand new system just for this game, and there just aren't enough changes to satisfy those fanatics who spent hours wondering what the hell Princess Ruto is. It's just not enough for me that I can now count the stitches in Link's tunic, it's not enough that I can beat up on Bongo Bongo as many times as I want. I didn't give a shit about the gossip stones then, Nintendo, and now I already know how to solve all the fucking puzzles.


Wait, didn't you kill Steve Irwin?

Okay, I'm a bit biased here. I have a terrible astigmatism in my right eye that makes it impossible for me to see 3D. Except, you know, real life. Whenever I tell people that someone usually starts shouting “BUT I HAVE AN ASTIGMATISM AND 3D WORKS GREAT FOR ME”. Thanks, asshole, way to rub it in my face that my eyeball is more fucked up than yours. That's awesome. No, it doesn't look like Voldemort is actually coming at me. Yes, I can only tell that Chun-Li is closer to me than that barrel by looking at context clues. Even aside from that little medical hiccup, the 3DS isn't all that alluring to me. Its short battery life, small library of games, my trusty old DSlite, and my grad-student state of poverty all kind of point to a pass on this one for me.

I just wish my mom didn't give our N64 to goodwill.
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