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6:57 AM on 06.26.2015

Well... wax my humongous Bat Balls !!!

When you start down the path of becoming a pc gamer, it dawns on you real fast that, much like that photo of a Thai lapdancer that you downloaded, there's a little more to it than you first imagined. Certainly if you've jumped ship from the console arena things can seem to get alarmingly complex, especially if your only previous interaction with a keyboard harks back to keeping an eagle eye out in Curry's as you sent an Amstrad cpc into a tourettes meltdown with the timeless classic that is

   10 PRINT " jizzblaster ";

   20 GOTO 10

    RUN

 

You see, there's a curve and a sobering amount of acceptance that must be learned which was never really a factor in your pre pc days. An xbox or a playstation will pretty much always deliver the expected result, in any given generation there's always only whatever is unique to either machine to be taken into consideration for game developers, your ps4 console will run Batman the same as your friends ps4, it's a comforting balance i think , most console gamers aren't particular about the technical particulars and happily tootle along , playing because its fun and stress free and almost filling that gap in their lives that the recently deceased family pet has left. Console gamers smile alot easier and alot more often, am i jealous ? Sometimes...

Shift to a pc gamers perspective and it becomes alot more uncomfortable rather quickly. Now i tend to try and act the realist, so i'm going to guess that there are slightly more than say 4 variants of gaming pc set up ? Fuck from above, there's got to be literally thousands, from the shitty rip off pc world offerings to the truly mouthwatering home enthusiast builds that run into costing thousands, we are a complete ununiform mess and in my opinion, all the more fantastic for it. Very rarely do you get two alike stories, your pc is the unruly adopted kid whom your trying to teach that gnawing on the sofa is in contravention of social ettiquette. Our uniqueness though does come with it's own dog shit flavoured down side..put a game on a console and you know it's going to work, try having that level of optimism when you put a new game on your pc, you may well find a level of dourness that would have blighted the spirits of The Commitments. Rule of thumb, 50% of the time this fan you bought already came with pre-applied shit, so dig out your creative big boy pants and Mungo's journal of common sense for the over fives. In short, everyone whose been a pc gamer for any period of time knows what your going to have to do...some good old fashioned google based research,

and that bunch of long-winded arsery finally brings me to the actual point of this whorespawn smeg of a blog... Batman : Arkham Knight PC version ....

Mother of Satan there's been some tireless bitching about this one has there not ? A hell of a lot of it from, as far as i can tell, established PC gamers. Seriously , go on the forums and have a read, ten thousand weeping manchilds all shitting a mushroom because, horror from above...the game wont run at all or runs like arse on whatever wonder machine they own. You'd think that this was the first time this kind of thing had ever happened and that not one solitary person had any idea what to do next. Yes, there was a huge amount of expectancy wagered toward this title, but so what, thats hardly a newie is it ? Every majorly hyped title seems to come with some inherent technical foible or other, so why this huge uprising over Batman ? ( add your own homoerotic image to that line Dr Freud ).

 

 

 

Nothing but discussion after discussion , a million angry voices all crying out in the night ( it's a bit like when i have a hand shandy in the middle of the night and i assign a group voice to my semen as each terrified tadpole screams.. " NOOOOooooooo !!! " as en masse they approach the underside of the duvet ), seasoned veterans of many a pc lauch game campaign all screaming for the head of whoever's responsible, threatening more bans and embargos than a russian gas pipeline owner. You know what there's an absolute lack of  ?  Help..answers..suggestions..you know, little handy guides from some folk with experience as regards to how to get shit fixed. If you elect to stay a pc gamer, you have a very good idea what your in for, and only a thorough dumbass responds the way far too many on here seem to have done, dessicating from the inside , out, due to crying so much. As i quoted in a forum on this topic recently.. " nut up or shut up "........

 

and now, for mild relief, here's a photo of my eldest son trying to get minecraft to exceed 7 fps....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  read


3:34 AM on 06.20.2013

" That's not custard, it's jizz you fuckin' idiot "

Christ what a week ! From the heady delirium of having the pleasure of playing through Spec Ops: The Line ( finally ! ), all the way through to MicroThought receiving a map of the solar system and discovering that the sun doesn't actually shine from their arse, in total my head has been more fucked with this week than Jenna Jamesons' after she's agreed to a pay increase.

I was trying really hard to just ignore the whole shitty daytime tv soap opera that was the fallout from the Xbox one reveal by Microsoft, but then they went and made me take notice by acting like the biggest bunch of dickslappers since Teddy "Iron Paws" Kochinsky and Sylvia "Bullet Thumbs" McCord stormed a porno theater during a screening of " The Art Of Ass To Mouth ".

Just ...HOW ?? How in the name of all things frigging normal did Don Mattrick and those other cats at Microsoft HQ come up with a battleplan that fucked up ? There are long dried up, crusty semen deposits on the underside of my duvet cover that could have forwarded a more cohesive and endearing system unveiling and the long since inert, once wiggly tails of aforementioned spunky tadpoles could have certainly done a far better job at damage limitation when the shit really did hit the fan. From the pre-release ( sticking with the semen theme ? ) clusterfuck that was Adam Orths' " Deal with it ", a statement both so spastic and asinine it's hard to quantify, right up to last nights press release which read pretty much to me like " dammit, you fuckers, and we thought we were being such a smart bunch of cunts.." , Microsoft has conducted itself with such a staggering lack of finesse and honour that there are now retired commanders of the Khmer Rouge who can sleep with a clearer conscience.

Plain and simple, you just DON'T try and tell folk what to do with shit they paid for and you just DON'T try and decimate an eager, practically pre-existing userbase by forcing unwanted shit upon them..

A box that does everything ( ish )..?.. NO !! fuck off !! All anyone wanted was a box that played games that looked the shit, were reasonably priced, weren't tits heavy with DRM and other bullshit and the only thing extra that box might possibly need would be an adjustable mouth shaped hole on the front to accomodate a variety of penile girth and length, should Microsoft ever broker out a deal with Digital Playground.

Best thing to come from all this is, of course, that it shows a uniform backlash against even such a corporate heavyweight as MicroSoft can garner a positive result, now i want to see how badly the big M is wanting to try and win back peoples faith and loyalty and trust. Such things never come cheaply, so i hope they've been careful with the company coffers over the last decade.


Oh yeah, right...Spec Ops: The Line ...just give it a whirl then get back to me about it ok ? All i can say is I recommend it with the same fervour the owner of the local brothel engages when he talks to travelling salesmen about my mum. :-)   read


2:16 PM on 06.08.2013

Just..Just ..WTF happened ?

Know what i miss more than anything else these days ? Apart from cigarettes and lager both costing under 1 and me still being youthful and good looking enough to not have to pay for blowjobs on a regular basis ? I miss being left the fuck ALONE when i want to play a videogame ! Did i miss a meeting or something ? In the space of a decade i've gone from just being able to buy a game and then happily fuck off and play it , to the now standard practice of dealing with dipshit DRM systems, cumbuckets worth of worthless DLC, the neverending forcefeeding of sharing my gaming experience with an online community i have no intention at all of ever wanting to join, fuck me..some modern day publishers are trying their worlds best to 'internet groom' me, even though all i want to do is fuck things up playing far cry 3 and not, as they seem to think, am wanting to have a plastic school ruler shoved down my throat in order to measure my 'gag threshold' . Everytime i sit down to kick back and relax and play a game, i end up facing more hurdles than a steeplechaser with double vision and it's starting to really fuck me right off. All across the board from MicrofuckshittingSoftinthehead to Ubibastardingbollocksoft to the biggest band of cunt monkeys ever, that being EA, everyone involved in just getting the game into a retail outlet now sees fit to try and get involved in how i have chosen to spend my free time, all without my asking or consent, seriously if i treated a girl on a date this way i'd make Ted Bundy look like fucking Al Bundy.

I'm currently a pc gamer, done the consoles thing, had fun, i just prefer having a bit more leeway to fuck around with stuff. Now, I hold my hands way up that I, like a fair few other pc users, always download a pirate copy of a game i'm interested in first and i'll tell you why, because if i just dive in the shallow end tits first im goin to get my nipples grazed. Every pcs different, devs can guess at a performance level but cant guarantee it across such a full spectrum of diversity, so with that mindset i download a copy and see how it runs. Same applies regarding how the games marketed to me..if its shown doing a tonne of funky cool shit and catches my interest , i want to give it a test run and make sure im not getting sucker nut punched Aliens: Colonial Marines style !! I just look at it as me trying before i commit to buy, if it works as it should and does what it promises, i shitcan the copy and go and buy the thing. Point to all this ? Well, one game that really got my eyes watery was the earlier mentioned Far Cry 3. Nice looking free to roam environments, doolally characters, tits out tribal chicks, and the ability to kill a bear..yup..fuck it, im having me some of that i thought, so, soon as it appeared on a torrent site..I done gone got me some and..it was fucking brilliant. Looked great, ran fine, they'd fucked the DRM out of the equation and the tits were as stellar as promised..gaming nirvana.
I played the blagged copy for about 2 hours and was sold on the whole concept, so went straight out and bought the physical , legally nice version. Pirate version thoroughly deleted and forever gone. Not as Ubisoft probably assume what i did, you know, ran off ten thousand copies and sold it to nefarious types because i get a boner thinking im subsiding hookers and drugs and any other of charlie sheens early morning hobbies. Being a dumbfuck i thought i could just put the dvd in and install the game but noooo, first i need to set up a friggin uplay thingy..oh great, theres fifteen fucking minutes of doing shit that i hate, then after more farting around i finally start an installation procedure that oddly seems to take 4 times longer than the pirated version did..alarm bells are ringing. Two coma inducing nightmare wanks and a change in currency later i finally get to play the fecking game, or so i thought, because when i try and actually get the bitch to start, it seems to want to spend more time haggling with ubisofts tin and string server set up than it does want to let me just go and brain a goat with a brick or drop a jeep on its head. Its been the same ever since..never had that pure far cry 3 experience ever again after i got rid of the pirated version.

I get the same shit with pretty much every new release now, same old 'join in our blah blah' bullshit 'download this extra testicle texture pack' and the worst fucking thing ever for me.. a constant dashboard display that tells me i have " 0 FRIENDS ". like i give a pornstars well shaven ballsack about fucking online friends !! i just want to escape from the wankpump that is living in a poohpants economy in 2013 and go into an invented otherworld where i can kill something that bleeds any colour other than red...and every developer/distributor and games company in general are all playing a game of " I'm the biggest SHITTYDICK " in order to stop me doing just that. Somedays i'd rather just send my eyes fuzzy trying to count my arsehairs with the aid of an angled dental mirror .   read





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